CHAPTER TWENTY

 

For better or worse

In sickness and in health

In fire and in loss

 

BECK

“Hey, baby girl. How are you feeling?” Liv asks when I open my eyes.

My body feels numb, kind of floaty, strapped down to the bed by Liv’s arm around my waist and Hollander across my legs. I take a deep breath. Doesn’t hurt like earlier. My lungs were so tight, black spots danced before my eyes, and my heart felt like it was going to explode, spew out of my chest.

“I gave you a Valium.” She rests on one elbow and strokes my hair out of my face. “You were completely freaking out. Your hands weren’t too badly burned. I paid one of the local doctors to make a house call while you were out of it. To be certain. You’re going to be fine.”

“I ran toward a burning building,” I whisper. My throat is scratchy and dry, probably from the smoke I inhaled.

“You did.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “You didn’t want Nox to lose everything. That’s all.”

“If I’d gotten too close. If I’d actually made it inside I could have...” I shudder.

“It’s okay to say it, you know,” Liv continues to stroke my face. “You could have been trapped in the fire. You could have died. You could be dead.”

My heart stutters. It hurts so much. “Nox lost almost everything today. This past week. Because of me. I can’t do this anymore.”

“What happened isn’t because of you. You’re not unlucky, Beck. Bad things happen to all of us. Life happens to all of us.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. There’s truth to what she says. I know that. I do. But I’m more careful than that. Was more careful. Until Nox. And now his world is falling apart. My world is falling apart because somehow they’ve become one and the same. “It doesn’t happen to me.”

“No, it hasn’t for a while, has it?” she agrees. “But then you haven’t been living. Not until now. You’ve spent the last eight years avoiding life. Pretending that if you keep to yourself and never want anything that you can’t get hurt. Surrounding yourself with facts and statistics so that you can feel like it’s okay that you don’t want to try. Shielding yourself with a bogus curse and telling yourself that you’re making the right decision to hide from anything that might make you feel.”

“That’s not true,” I croak. But it is. I feel everything now and it’s crushing me. Killing me as surely as if my own emotions are the curse that I’ve been so afraid of. Breaking me...

“It is. And it has to stop. Nox is so good for you. He adores you. You have no idea how destroyed he is right now, but his main priority is you.” She smiles a watery smile that makes her eyes tear up. She dashes them away with her fingertips. “I had to kick him out of the room because he was a complete mess. That’s real, Beck. Emotions and feelings and just kind of hoping the good outweighs the bad. Throwing ourselves into the fray no matter what it might cost, or how much it could hurt. That’s living. Not what you’re doing.”

“I can’t. Not when it’s making me do stupid things like put my own life at risk. Or Nox’s.”

“Stop it. You were given a second chance. Do you realize that? I know the statistics too. Five percent of people who go through what you did survive. It’s nothing.” She jumps off the bed and collects her bag from the dresser, shoving containers and tubes back into it. “Most people in your position would want to grab life by the balls. You want to hide in your goddamn shell. I hate you for not being willing to do that for yourself, you know that? I don’t understand how you can waste it.” She strides toward the door.

“Liv?”

“What?” She hesitates, her hand hovering over the handle, but she doesn’t look at me.

“You wanted me to be with Nox, didn’t you?”

“I hoped he could get through to you, yes. But I’m not sure anyone can.”

“You said you would do anything if you thought it would make a difference,” I say. “Isn’t that what you keep telling me?”

“Yes.” She sighs.

“Did you pay him not to sign the papers? To try to make me fall for him?”

“No one can make you fall in love with them, Beck. You either do, or you don’t. But we did make a deal,” she admits. “If you stayed. We were going to tell you. He wanted to tell you. It might have been his motivation in the beginning, but that’s not why he’s with you. He knew telling you would probably send you running and that he would get nothing. He still wanted to tell you.”

“You’ll give it to him. Whatever it was,” I tell her. She swallows and her lips part, but I press on. “I don’t want to know the details. He’s lost so much because of me. Because you decided to interfere. He didn’t deserve to be pulled into this. Please make this right for him.”

“All right.” She exhales. “What about you? What are you going to do?”

“I have to talk to Nox. Get him to sign the papers.”

“I can’t believe that’s what you really want.”

“It is.” I can’t lie to myself. Not with any conviction. I’ll never get over Nox Casey. I’ll carry him with me always, everywhere I go and in everything I do. My heart is already breaking, and it will shatter. No amount of science can explain how much the idea of leaving someone behind hurts. But I can live with that. Go back to spending my time alone. Pretend that I’m happy. Like I did for so long. Because anything is better than the silencing of a heartbeat. His or mine. And I can’t take the chance.

Liv opens the door and sails through it as I sit up and scoop Hollander into my arms. My heart slams to a stop. Something inside me curls up and dies as I snuggle my face against his neck. Oh no, please no.

“Hollander,” I whisper into his fur. “Don’t do this.”

I’m used to his loud purr, his constant pawing, and head butting. But he’s so still and soft, flopped across my lap. My throats clogs and my hands shake as I pet him, waiting for him to move. But he isn’t, and he won’t. And it kills me.