FIVE
May 1953
“I’d like to thank you for joining us today, Miss Wills,” said the dean of students, Lewis Washington, looking over his spectacles at her like he was considering a slug he’d just uncovered in a prize flowerbed. The wooden smile he forced to his lips came too late to sweeten the tone that underlay his words. He sat facing her, his substantial desk forming an effective barrier between them. The office’s other chairs had been pulled into a straight line, stretching out from her left side to the ominously closed door.
These other seats had been filled by Jane Temple, the school registrar, Professor Charles, head professor of chemistry, and Lionel. She forced herself to think of him as Professor Ward lest she make a slip and an untoward familiarity show through. Graduation was less than six weeks away, and she was counting on recommendations from him and the others with him. “It’s an honor, sir,” she said.
Dean Washington smiled again, though this time the expression struck her as sincere. He looked from side to side, giving both professors and Miss Temple a look that seemed to tell them that they could relax, that there would be no trouble here. He leaned back in his large leather wingback chair, turning a bit to the side, and folded his hands on his round stomach. “I have been looking over your records, Miss Wills, and I have to tell you that I am impressed.” He spun the chair back to the center, not taking his eyes from her or his hands off his gut. “Your achievements here have indeed been outstanding.”
He stared at her, his face beaming with benevolence, and rocked in his chair, seeming to await a response. “Thank you, sir,” she said a moment after the silence began to feel heavy.
No longer rocking, he leaned forward and planted his hand on his desk, his stomach reaching out to touch its drawer. “Such a fine young lady,” he said, looking first at Charles and then at Ward.
Professor Charles must have read the comment as an invitation to speak. “One of the finest students I have ever had the pleasure to teach.”
Somehow his words affected her more than the dean’s compliment. Winning this man’s approval meant a lot to her. Jilo blushed and lowered her head.
“Don’t you agree, Lionel?” Dean Washington asked.
Lionel—Professor Ward’s lips curled into a smooth smile. “Unequaled.” Jilo glanced over at him, wishing that he still looked at her in private the way he regarded her now. Although their affair had continued, he no longer volunteered the words, “I love you.” When pressed, he would offer her, “You should know that I do,” but he grew cooler with each passing day. He cited pressures from work—although Jilo had begun to write and grade the exams for his courses over a year and a half ago, long before the physical aspect of their love had begun to be expressed. He blamed his wife’s continued declining health, although Mrs. Ward had begun to spend more time at her sister’s home than her own. He spoke with resentment of Jilo’s “clinginess”—explaining her own insecurities as the reason he had begun to pull away.
Last week Jilo had spotted Jeannette Walker, a freshman, a pretty girl with an hourglass shape and a secondhand intellect, carrying Professor Ward’s copy of Leaves of Grass. With a singular lack of care, she had left it deserted on a picnic table outside the auditorium with heavy clouds building overhead. Jilo had rescued it . . . and then watched later as the panicked girl returned, frantically seeking to retrieve that which she had so callously abandoned. It wasn’t stealing. This book belonged to Jilo now. She’d earned it.
Lionel had used this book as a tool to seduce her, and she had paid for it with her flesh. With her heart. The words “the embrace of love and resistance,” haunted her now, for they seemed to have divined the course of the affair, understanding it in a way Jilo herself only did now that she’d witnessed its full fruition. “I sing the body electric,” Ward had quoted, “The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them,” he’d continued, pressing her back into the wall as he leaned one arm forward to brace himself and wrapped a leg around hers. He’d held them locked together like that, his lips hovering a mere hairsbreadth from her own, as he spoke in a soft whisper the remainder of the stanza. That moment. Yes, it was precisely then that she had fallen in love with him. “You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul.” A gate he now shunned in favor of a new portal.
“Unequaled,” she heard her own voice repeat Professor Ward’s appraisal of her, using the word as an agreement, a pledge, a threat, and a promise all rolled into one. A worry line creased his forehead, but other than that he remained cool. Perhaps for the first time, she saw him completely—not as her love, not as the mate who completed her, but as a vain and aging man. A seaman whose sextant had enabled him to navigate this course many times before; an actor who’d returned again and again to the same role, employing the same props for each performance. “You’re far too kind. I’m sure you’ve known many like me before.”
“Oh, no, Miss Wills. You are special,” the dean continued, oblivious to everything save his own agenda. “Unless you face a spectacular reversal of fortune during your final examinations, Miss Temple assures us you are certain to graduate as your class’s valedictorian.” He raised his hand and pointed at her. “So you make sure to stay on course. Don’t go letting spring fever or the sight of some young buck turn your head.”
“No, sir,” Jilo responded.
“Fine,” the dean said, shifting his weight and pushing a bit back. “You have given this institution your best work, and we four have spoken. We all agree that we would be remiss if we didn’t band together and address the issue of what should come next for you.” He looked from her to his colleagues. Taking their silence as assent, he continued, “With that in view, we’ve invited you here to discuss your future.” He nodded toward Professor Ward. “I understand from Lionel that you have ambitions in the field of medicine.”
“Yes, sir, I do.” Jilo shifted forward on her seat, sitting up straight. “I believe more opportunities are available to me today than any of my sister graduates since the inception of this institution.” Enthusiasm overtook her, causing her to slide out of her seat and stand. “As you may know, three years ago the American College of Surgeons admitted its first Negro female into its ranks. My dream, no, my intent is to follow in her footsteps. I hope that you—”
“Miss Wills,” the dean said, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender, “I have been apprised of your goals.” One hand waved her back into her chair. He waited for her to slip onto the seat, wiping his hand across his mouth as he seemed to consider how to proceed. “I do so admire your youthful passion.” His lips puckered, then bunched up into a reassuring smile. “But I worry that your youth and your passion may in fact work against you. Here, at this institution,” he raised his hands palms up and gestured widely around as if to take in the entire campus, “we seek to ingrain confidence in our girls. However, we must also educate them in regard to the greater world in which we find ourselves. Inject a bit of reality into their dreams.” Nodding, as if in agreement with himself, he tilted his head to the side. “It is true that a few women have succeeded in obtaining medical degrees. Some have even begun to practice medicine. But they are curiosities, the bearded ladies, if you will, of the medical profession. Medicine is, after all, a man’s profession.”
“Any man would refuse treatment from a woman doctor,” Professor Charles broke in.
“Then I will treat women . . . and children.”
A look that straddled the line between amusement and irritation rose up on the dean’s face.
“Miss Wills,” the registrar spoke for the first time. “I assure you,” she said, pushing her thick spectacles back up the bridge of her nose, “women would be no more inclined to seek out care from a female doctor than would a man. Important issues such as a person’s health shouldn’t be left to a woman’s discernment.”
The dean nodded approvingly.
She and Lionel had spent hours together, speaking of her dreams, discussing the changes that were coming about in the world. He had supported her. Encouraged her. In spite of her feelings for him in this present moment, she turned to him for support.
He shifted uncomfortably under the weight of her pleading eyes. “You must understand, Miss Wills”—she felt a chill creep across her heart at the sound of her lover’s voice speaking her name in such a formal, removed tone—“medical schools have a limited numbers of seats available for incoming students. Only a fraction of those seats are open to Negro students. You have to place your community’s needs before your own unrealistic dreams. Even if you could make it into medical school, even if we supported you in this effort, you have to understand that you would be stealing that seat from a deserving male student, a student who could actually help the Negro community.” His hand reached up to straighten the knot of his tie. “Besides, you’re a young woman. You will undoubtedly choose to marry, and children will follow. You’ll have to stop working at that point. So your entire career would last how long? Two years? Perhaps five? This type of education is a waste on a woman.”
She stared at him. Frozen. Knowing without a doubt that these were his true thoughts, and before, he had only spoken the words she’d wanted to hear. She turned back to the dean, “But I could help—”
“Miss Wills,” the dean said, his tone harsh now. As if realizing he’d gone off message, he drew a deep breath. “Jilo,” he said more kindly. “We seek to help you reach a more realistic goal. Miss Temple has kindly looked over your transcript and compared your course of studies with the requirements of our nursing program. Miss Temple?”
The registrar cleared her throat. “Yes, that is correct. With a little creative interpretation on the part of Professors Ward and Charles of the coursework you’ve completed, we are delighted to offer you a degree in nursing.” She paused. “Of course, you’ll have to be tutored on certain practical aspects of patient care, dressing and cleaning wounds and the like, but your friend Mary has volunteered to get you caught up by graduation,” she said, tugging on the white gloves she was wearing, as puffed out and pleased as a preening chicken. “I hope you are aware that we would not go to this trouble for just any student.”
“But I don’t want to be a nurse.” Jilo said, and the room fell silent as Miss Temple’s face formed a sour pucker.
“The French have a saying,” Ward broke the silence, leaning forward and turning toward her, “roughly translated, it states that one must learn to put a little water in his wine, meaning one must ground his ambitions in reality.”
“And if I choose not to accept this nursing degree?”
“Well, young lady, that would be a mistake . . .”
“It will be my mistake to make,” she interrupted the dean, no longer caring if she lost his goodwill.
“In that unfortunate occurrence, we will, of course, issue you the bachelor of science you have earned, but it is our opinion that you will find it to be of very little practical use in the real world.”
What she wanted was to tell them all to go to hell. But she held her tongue and began to calculate the odds of this game. The nursing degree would get her into the medical field. Perhaps she could find a true mentor once she was in a hospital setting, someone who would see her value and help her to achieve her dreams. It wouldn’t be a direct route, but without this institution’s support, it might be the only one available to her.
“All right,” she said. “I will accept the nursing degree you offer.”
The dean slapped his palms happily down on his desk and pushed himself up. “I told you all she was a smart girl, that she’d see the reason.” He beamed at her as he held out his hand in an apparent offer to shake hers.
She wrapped her arms around herself. “May I be excused?”
As she made her way back to the boarding house, Jilo began to regret her capitulation, very nearly turning back and forcing her way into the dean’s office to make one more attempt to reason with him. Or maybe she should circle back to Lionel’s house later. She could throw herself at his feet, prostrate herself before him, beg him to step up to the promises he’d made in the past.
But that son of a bitch had betrayed her, and not just by making her a link in what she now guessed was a career-long chain of girls. He had manipulated her into thinking he believed in her. In her dreams. In her capabilities.
When she arrived home, Jilo eased the door open and closed it quietly behind her. Not wanting to talk to anyone, she did her best to creep past the pastor and his wife, who were deep in a discussion about the house’s finances, and flitted past the archway that opened onto the sitting room. She found the stairs and mounted them, carefully avoiding the steps that squeaked.
As she made her escape, it occurred to her that she wasn’t taking these precautions because she wasn’t in the mood to see a single living person. The truth, it pained her to realize, was that she felt ashamed. After years of hard work, all her dreams had been dashed in a single afternoon. And she felt like it was her own fault. If she hadn’t let Lionel touch her, if she hadn’t given into her own need to believe he saw her as special, would he have respected her more? Would he have viewed her as being a serious enough woman to become a lady doctor? Had giving in to him cheapened her in his eyes?
Hot tears began to flow down her cheeks, but they stopped cold when she opened the door to her room and caught sight of Mary sitting at her desk. Mary, who turned to face her with a smile on her lips and a look of excitement in her eyes. Both of which faded as soon as Mary’s eyes took in Jilo’s face. “Why, Jilo,” she said, “what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“What,” Jilo began, her voice breaking, “is wrong?” She swallowed hard to force the frog down. “You lying, conniving Judas Iscariot.”
Mary pushed back from her desk, rising and drawing near Jilo, her arms held wide for an embrace.
“Don’t you”—Jilo held up a hand in warning—“don’t you dare come near me.”
Mary froze as tears of her own began to brim in her eyes. “I don’t understand. Why are you angry? What have I done?”
“You knew. You knew and you didn’t tell me.”
Jilo didn’t expect Mary to out-and-out lie; Mary was not a liar. But she did expect her at least to feign ignorance of what she meant. Instead, Mary tilted her head, looking more confused than guilty. “But the dean told me not to say a thing till he could talk to you. He said they were going to look out for you, keep you from making a big mistake, and they needed my help.” For a moment her smile threatened to return. “I get to help catch you up on all the practical things you missed out on. Dressing wounds, rolling bandages . . .”
“I do not want your blessed help,” Jilo cut her off. “You knew this isn’t what I wanted. My sister is a nurse. I know what it is to be a nurse, and it was never my dream.” She clenched her fists in frustration. “You know that. I can do more. I can do better.”
Mary stumbled back a step, her shoulders slumping forward like Jilo had just knocked the wind clean out of her. She raised her wide-open eyes to meet Jilo’s gaze. “Well I am sorry,” she said, straightening as she did. “I am sorry if nursing isn’t good enough for you. If it isn’t your dream. ’Cause it is my dream. It always has been, since I was a little girl. And it was my mama’s dream for me, too. She saved every penny she could after feeding my brother and me to make it possible for me to come here. After daddy died in the war, she started working nights and weekends, scrubbing floors and taking in laundry. And you know what? After I finished my schoolwork, I would be right there with her, down on my knees, scrubbing at her side. So I am sorry, Miss Jilo Wills, who has plenty of money in her pockets and all the pretty dresses in the world, if my dream isn’t good enough for you . . .”
“Now, Mary,” Jilo found herself shift to the defensive, “you know I didn’t mean it quite like that.”
“Oh, yes, you did mean it. Quite like that.” Mary raised her chin and pulled her arms up around herself. “And fool that I am, I was happy to have the opportunity to help out my best friend. When I learned what the dean intended, I marched right out and got you a job. With me. At a fine hospital right here in Atlanta. The Greelies.” Mary said the name of the hospital with such obvious pride, and despite Jilo’s bitter disappointment over this turn of events, she felt like an absolute ass. Jilo took a step forward, but it was Mary’s turn to pull away. “I went to the hiring supervisor at the Greelies. Told him that if he thought I was good enough to bring on, he would be over the moon to have you on duty there.”
Her forehead bunched up into angry folds, and her eyes narrowed the way they always did when she remonstrated with Jilo. “I told him that, even though I knew I’d be the one who would need to catch you up and cover for you until you actually learned how to handle a patient.” Her features smoothed, but her lower lip pushed forward. “I was so looking forward to telling you.” And with those words, the tears started in earnest. “I thought the two of us could stay on here at the pastor’s. Together.”
“Well,” Jilo said, daring to draw near, “I don’t see why we can’t do just that.” She slipped an arm over Mary’s shoulders and pulled her into an embrace.