He’d locked himself in his room since he’d left Jackson’s two days before. Only left to go to work. What was even more painful than the morning after the goodbye…Jackson hadn’t come in for breakfast. He looked for him. Jackson probably wouldn’t talk to him, but he wanted to see him.

For one night, he’d felt whole and normal as if his body wasn’t slowly failing him. He was still sore. Still felt Jackson inside him. Never once in almost forty years had he ever let anyone take him without a condom, but if he had only the one night, he’d wanted it. Jackson made him feel like he was normal and not the fun-loving guy with the arm crutches.

His parents hadn’t treated him as if he had a disability, so the real world had proved a rude awakening. He’d done everything he had wanted to in life with only their encouragement. His head popped up from the pillow at the soft knock.

“Dem, can I come in?”

Harper’s voice was soft and concerned, he could hear it. She’d tried to get him to talk several times over the last few days, but all he’d wanted was silence.

“Gideon had a show at Brawlers, so he isn’t here.”

“Come in.”

The door opened, and Harper stepped in, closing it behind her.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Joker didn’t mean to do whatever he did.”

He despised the fact everyone always instantly defended Jackson as if he’d done something wrong. The man had reasons for being the way he was. Jackson had survived something most people wouldn’t, and even if Jackson told him goodbye, Jackson had given him a gift. A night where he wasn’t treated as if he were fragile.

“He didn’t do anything wrong, Harper. Do people always assume the worst about him?”

“I don’t assume the worst. Joker has taken care of me the best he could for a long time. People might think he’s crazy, but he’s my best friend.”

He pushed up to lean back against the headboard as Harper took a seat on the end of the bed.

“Why didn’t anyone help him?”

“Has he told you?”

“I didn’t have to be told. I saw. Who the hell would do that to a kid, hell, an adult?”

“Garnet Senior and Junior, there were stories that Senior was a nice kid, well liked in Powers, maybe a little odd. But small towns have at least one eccentric. He left town for a while and came back with a wife. Peaches said she was a pretty woman if a little quiet. Senior built a house out in the middle of nowhere. When Junior turned five, the wife suddenly killed herself. No explanations.”

“She did it to escape.”

Harper nodded. “After she died, people started talking. They didn’t remember seeing a lot of her, but when she came into town, she was timid…sometimes had bruises.”

“Again, why didn’t anyone do anything?”

“The same family has been the law in this town until Pelter took over. They tended to look the other way as long as you were—”

“White?”

“We don’t have the proudest history for tolerance. Back in the sixties, a group bought some land. Very peace and love, and shook things up around here.

“Peaches and Gib moved back to town and opened the shop. Lily and Damon moved here. After a while, the good people outnumbered the bad ones, but to be honest, the bad ones were in power.”

“Do you think Jackson’s mom did the same as his grandmother?”

“I don’t know. Jackson doesn’t talk about it. The only reason I know is because he used to talk to me when he thought I was asleep. Told me the things Garnet did to him.

“Did he hurt you,” Harper asked with a hint of embarrassment.

He placed his hand on her forearm and gave it a squeezed. “Not in the way you think. He wanted something, and I was more than willing to give it to him, but I made demands of my own. Did he go back out to the shack?”

“Why?”

“He hasn’t been in for breakfast, and he likes his routine.”

“I don’t know where he is. Sin and Saint did a flyover, but there was no sign of him. Do you want him?”

Had his mind changed? No, he wanted Jackson just as much as the first time he’d seen the man’s picture or when Jackson was arrested in front of the diner. Nothing had changed, to be honest, he wanted Jackson more.

“Since the first time I saw him.”

“What about him did it for you?”

“What doesn’t?”

“Let’s narrow it down.”

Harper smiled as she turned and crossed her legs on the bed, her forearms rested on her thighs. He’d quickly fell in love with Harper. She was all sweetness and light. He knew from the stories that hadn’t always been her, yet he didn’t know any different than the Harper who sat across from him.

“I know what he wants, but he doesn’t think he deserves it. He’s handsome of course. The whole bastard attitude, I like that. He makes me feel normal.”

“Normal? I don’t know if that is an insult or not.”

“Not like that. He doesn’t treat me like I’m damaged. I don’t know if he even pays attention to the crutches. Yeah, he modified his bike to make it easier for me to ride, but he doesn’t try to coddle me. He didn’t treat me like I was breakable.”

“He wouldn’t think of doing anything like that.”

“Everyone else does. Even Gideon does it sometimes. Asks if I need help to my room. We’ve known each other so long I don’t pay attention to it. Mainly, I don’t want someone who dates me to treat me less than.”

“Why would they treat you less than?”

“I want equal in everything from everyday relationship stuff to the bedroom. He gave me what I wanted.”

“You two had sex?”

Her eyes were comically wide.

“He touched you and let you touch him?”

“It didn’t start out that way. It was going to be a little mutual masturbation, but Jackson lost control a bit. You’d be surprised, he’s pretty impeccable at dirty talk.”

“I’m not hearing this.” She slapped her hands over her ears and started humming loudly.

He couldn’t keep himself from laughing at the horror on her face. He leaned forward and removed her hands from her ears. “I asked him did you two ever hook up?”

“He’s like my brother, that’s…disgusting.”

“He had the same reaction, but for a minute or two I was jealous.”

“Of me?”

“Yes, you. You’re beautiful, and you two have been close. I also heard rumors that you two were together.”

“No, best friends. He’s always been hyper-protective, but he’s that way with most of the women and children in town.”

“Because of his past?”

“I think a part of him feels guilty about his mom, but how can an eight-year-old protect himself and his mother?”

“Do you think I should let him go?”

“No,” Harper said sharply. “Everyone lets Joker do what he wants. When he disappears, they leave him alone. We love him, but we’re used to him and his…quirks. If you want him, you’re going to have to fight a lifetime of conditioning. I can’t believe I’m going to ask this.”

“I’m an open book, Harper, there’s not much I won’t answer.”

“When you two, ya know…” Harper paused, and her face blazed with mortification.

“Had sex?”

“Yes, that. Was it gentle or, ya know…” She stopped again.

“You want to know if the sex was rough?”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

“You brought it up.”

“He was a product of non-consensual sex.”

“He told me, but he couldn’t think—” He’d known, but it hadn’t crossed his mind until Harper brought it up that Jackson might relate all sex to rape or—

He was horrified by the thought, even more so that Jackson would ever consider what they did non-consensual.

He understood Jackson’s fear, but still didn’t—he’d begged for Jackson to take him.

How did someone live with the knowledge that they came to be by the vilest act?

“Joker doesn’t know what a healthy sex life is, Dem. If it got rough and, in his mind after the afterglow, he starts second guessing. Thinks what if you in some way said no—”

He didn’t even know what to say, and then it hit him. Jackson had been rough with him. Held him down. Took him raw and bare. Jackson associated all sex with—Dem bit his lip as tears again burned his eyes and slipped down his cheeks. Jackson saw himself as a monster. Believed himself to be just like Garnet and that was the farthest thing from the truth. What they did was mutual. He wasn’t forced.

He asked for what he wanted, and Jackson gave it to him. There wasn’t anything wrong with what they did together.

“He thinks he’s exactly like the bastard?”

“Yes, he lives in an almost constant rage. Ready to defend himself at any moment. At sixteen, he beat Garnet to death, they sentenced him as an adult, and he went to an adult prison. He’s been in a violent environment since before birth. He thinks he’s damaged and unworthy.”

“He’s not. He did what was necessary. Did they see what was done to him?”

“He was tried here in Powers and convicted here.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“I didn’t say it did, but he also found his mother’s journals. She outlined everything Garnet did to her since the day he grabbed her off the side of the road. Every beating, lashing, even rape was written, and Joker read them repeatedly. He admitted he found the journals years before, and they took that as a sign the murder was premeditated.”

“Where would he be?”

“If he’s not at the shack or at home, I don’t know. I know sometimes he gets in his truck or on his bike and just drives…clears his head. He normally checks in with me, though, so I don’t worry.”

“He hasn’t done that?”

“No.”

“What should I do?”

“Wait for him to come home. It’s the only thing you can do. If Joker doesn’t want to be found, then you won’t find him. I’m going to bed and read, I don’t like when Gideon isn’t home.”

“You two are really cute together.”

“I love him. He’s never tried to change me. He’s always made me feel safe. Gave me choices. He wants to have kids with me.”

“And have you two decided yet?”

He was thankful for the change of subject, he’d had enough heavy to last him for a while.

“Lou, Linus’ sister, she acted as a surrogate for Lucky and Priest, and offered to do the same for us.”

“That’s amazing.”

“Gideon wants me—”

“He wants some little blonde beauties running around the farm?”

“Yeah. I don’t know, I’d kinda like some handsome little Gingers running around.”

“Do both.”

“I don’t know about that. I’d be happy with one.”

“You two will work it out. Either way, you two will be so great as parents.”

“Do you think so?”

“Positive.”

“Thanks, Dem.” Harper stood and straightened her plain white gown. “Give Joker a few more days. If anyone knows where he is, it’s Peaches. She’s his lawyer, so if he’s in trouble, he’d definitely call her.”

“I have some thinking to do before I try to claim my man anyway.”

“Don’t talk yourself out of it.”

“Never, I just need to make sure I do this right. Jackson has been alone for a long time, and I’m trying to move into his personal space. I just need to woo him a bit.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’m going to call my mother.”

“Good luck with that.”

He waited until Harper left and closed the door, then he laid back down, staring up at the ceiling. His brain tried to process all he’d learned from Harper. He hadn’t wondered why Jackson killed Garnet passed the obvious abuse. Was there more than the torture? He’d seen the scars on Jackson’s penis. The circular ones that couldn’t be made by anything other than cigars or cigarettes being put on his groin. He couldn’t imagine the pain and suffering Jackson went through the first sixteen years of his life. What could’ve happened to him in an adult prison?

The what ifs were stacking up, and he hated them. He hated he couldn’t be with Jackson. He couldn’t say he loved Jackson, but he knew he could. He cared for and wanted Jackson. It wouldn’t be easy, but he knew anything that was easy wasn’t worth having. The struggle made it worth it. He needed to wait out Jackson’s panic, and when the man surfaced, he’d make sure Jackson knew that nothing Jackson did was unwanted.