Prologue  

Kinsley

 

Memories flashed throughout my mind. They were consuming, controlling, and devastating. He was there kissing my neck, his lips soft and gentle. His eyes piercing mine as I walked up that aisle to him. 

Tears stained my cheeks as life without all those sweet tender moments stretched before me.  

I met Daniel at a job that I hated. I was working while going to school, and he was just there. I'm not sure why our paths crossed, but he said the very moment I walked into the room it got brighter.

Daniel said he knew he had to have me and that I needed to be his. My fingers clench harder on his hand as the thoughts ran through my head.

His calluses fingers were rough and soothing at the same time. The day we found out I was barren was the day he said he loved me more.

A giant sob racked from my chest as I whispered I couldn't do this without him. The endless nights of emptiness were all I could see.

They were a cold, dark, empty space that threatened my very existence. This is what I deserved for my foolish desires.

"Don't leave me."

I beg him even though I know it's too late.  I closed my eyes as more tears flowed freely. I remember his body was warmer than mine. He was always there to keep the cold at bay.

"I can't do this without you."

Again, I was begging. The silence that followed was deafening. I wanted the world to vanish and the truth to leave me.

  "Why are you doing this?" 

I asked, and only more silence was my answer.  

"You promised me forever." 

I whispered those words falling on deaf ears. No matter what I said or how much I wished, it would change nothing.  

My skin felt too tight for my own body.  If I could shrink any further into myself, I would. I hoped to hear a response or to hear his voice. 

The memories sucked me in again as the silence stretched on like an open void. We were lying in bed just this morning as his eyes were bright and his fingers running up my sides. 

My yoga pants and tank top not keeping his ticklish fingers at bay. 

"Stop it!"  

I screamed through the laughter and happy tears. He just tickled me more. His leg covered mine holding them in place as his fingers continued to wreak havoc on my nerves.  

"You love it!"

His voice was full of merit, and my eyes watered more. He was right, I did love it.

"Please, I'm going to pee my pants!"

His eyes turned serious as he released me.

"You love me right Kinsley?"

I looked at him in complete confusion.

"Of course, I do Daniel."

His eyes turned somber, and I could see something was off.

"No matter what?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"No matter what Kinsley?"

"Yes."

The morning's warmth left in a rush. Did he know what I felt? Did he know my secret shame?  

His lips pressed hard to mine as his hands pulled at my clothes. He was desperate as he slid my underwear down my legs.  

Before I could register the change in his mood again, he was thrusting inside me hard. He didn't wait like he normally did for me to adjust. He started pounding inside me. 

Biting my lip, I moaned in both pleasure and pain. I was close to falling over the edge, but before I reached it, he released deep inside me. 

My disappointment had me sagging into the bed in a ball of nerves 

"You're mine, Kinsley." 

I looked at the ceiling as dread filled me. He was never like this. 

"Remember that." 

Then he pulled away and got dressed.

Not once did he ask if I was okay or why I wasn't moving. I knew why now.

"How could you do this to me, Daniel?"

I thought I could hate him for it. That the love I had for him would die, but it didn't. Another memory, a happier one, flashed to the forefront.

The clear stone reflected off the light showed how beautiful it really was. I was screamed yes and fell into his arms.

"Why the secret Daniel?"

I looked at the ring on my left hand. The weight of it was almost more than I could bear.

"I thought you loved me."

More silence. I knew he couldn’t answer me, but the words kept coming.

"I can't hate you even if I wanted to."

My fingers twisted together. I was guilty as well.

  "You should have spent this life feeling happy, not pretending to be." 

"I am also in love another man." 

I sobbed as I admitted it out loud.  

"Ma'am? It's time." 

My hands clenched into fists. He left this morning and didn't come home. When the phone rang, my world began to spin.

"I want to stay. Is his brother here?" 

The pity in the beautiful nurse's eyes told me he still hasn't made it. 

"We really can't wait, we already went against the law." 

 

I watched as the doctor removed the tube from his throat. This was it. Soon, I will be alone again.

"It shouldn't be much longer. I'm sorry for your loss Ma'am."

I nodded my head, captivated by the man lying in bed. All the machines were removed, and his breathing became erratic.  His breaths were fewer and further apart.

His eyes half opened, and they looked at me. I felt a lump in my throat. The nurse patted my shoulder before placing the stethoscope against his chest.

She looked at me and again that pity. His breathing became rattled. His eyes started to turn dull.

“Is there something you could do to help him?”

This was my fault, I just knew it. Daniel’s once beautiful face was covered with purple colored marks his eyes puffy. Someone beat him, and he was dying because of it. I’ve been here for over an hour watching the machines breathe for him before they unplugged them.

When I walked into the hospital and told them Daniel’s name. The look of both shame and shock crossed the male nurse’s eyes as I introduced myself as his wife. I don’t know why he would look like that. 

I found out three minutes later as I walked into his room and a woman leaning over him crying.  

““I’m sorry Mrs. Luther, I didn’t know.  She said she was his wife.” 

I looked at the woman who raised her head, and the guilt and pain in her eyes filled me with dread. I knew right then that she was his lover. My Daniel wasn’t just mine.

For a moment I felt relief, and the guilt I’ve harbored was lifted.  That was until I looked passed her and saw He was almost unrecognizable. The nurse was ushering the woman out, and she was crying begging to stay. 

“You really don’t want to be here. Daniel’s brother is coming.” 

I didn’t tell her that he would kill her, but I knew he would. Fin wouldn’t be happy to find out about her. She looked at me, and that 

fear came back. She read what I was thinking.

Collapsing into the chair beside him I grabbed his hand. I haven’t moved since that moment. He had to be in pain, and a small evil part of me was glad he felt that pain.

He blew my world to shit today.

“Mrs. Luther if we give him something it would push him over.”

“He’s going to go anyway, please just make it painless.”

He deserved peace, no one deserved to die painfully not like this. I watched as he put a needle into the IV. A few shallow, barely there breathes later he wasn’t breathing anymore.

Time slipped by slowly. I refused to leave the room, even as they cleaned him and pulled out the IVs. I sat there as they placed him in the bag and zipped it closed.

That sound would haunt me until I died. I sat in that room long after he was gone. A hand gripped my shoulder causing me to jump. I looked over my shoulder, I looked into the eyes of my secret shame.

Fin O’Patrick.