CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Perfectly attuned to her every emotion though she hadn’t said much since they’d left the pizza place, Sean hadn’t let go of her hand even once during the drive from campus to Smith’s house. Now, as they stood on the front steps, he gently brushed a lock of hair away from her cheek and smiled reassuringly at her. “Ready?”
She’d expected to be nervous. Scared. Sick to her stomach. But, amazingly, she was ready.
It had taken her nineteen years to get to the point where she could finally stop second-guessing herself. At least for now, she thought with a small smile. Because Sean’s mother was right—difficult choices wouldn’t stop coming after this. After tonight, however, at least she’d know for certain that she was strong enough to brave each and every one of them.
“I’m ready.” She rang the doorbell. and the door opened only a few seconds later.
“Serena, hello! It’s great to see you again. Come on in, you two.”
Serena always thought that pictures of Smith’s wife Valentina didn’t come close to doing her justice. On top of being beautiful, she was smart and nice, too.
“It’s nice to see you again, too. This is my boyfriend, Sean.”
“Lovely to meet you, Sean.” Valentina, thankfully, didn’t look the least bit put out that Serena had brought him to the meeting. “Sorry the place is a mess—we’re getting ready to head back to Seattle tomorrow morning, but we couldn’t leave without having a big Sullivan family get-together first.”
“I hope you didn’t break up the party because of me.”
“Not at all. All the babies needed to go to bed anyway. Although if you ask me,” Valentina said with a laugh, “it’s their parents who looked like they were going to fall asleep at any moment.”
Smith called down from the top of the stairs, “Serena, it’s great to see you again.”
He looked every inch the movie star even in jeans and T-shirt. After going to enough Hollywood parties over the years, Serena had eventually stopped being starstruck. But Smith was different somehow, and not just because he was a thousand times better looking than any other actor she’d ever met.
“Smith, this is my boyfriend, Sean Morrison.”
Smith shook his hand, studying his face for a few seconds before saying, “Any chance you’re related to Drew Morrison?”
Sean grinned. “Guilty as charged.”
“In that case, maybe you can put in a good word for us for this soundtrack.”
“Sure, I’d be happy to,” Sean said, before turning to give Serena another reassuring smile. Clearly, he’d guessed that she might be a little freaked out by whatever additional complications this new twist might add to the whole situation.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Serena suddenly didn’t know what to do with herself—whether to sit or stand. Or run.
“Why don’t you two have a seat and relax while I go greet your mother?” Smith suggested as Valentina brought over bottles of sparkling water for them.
Serena didn’t know what magic dust Smith sprinkled over her mother between the front door and the living room, but Genevieve was positively glowing by the time she glided in on her five-inch heels. At least, until she spotted Sean sitting next to Serena.
Like a gentleman, he stood when she entered the room. “Genevieve, it’s nice to see you again.”
Serena could read each of the not-so-happy thoughts as they crossed her mother’s face before she finally settled on, “What a surprise to see you, Sean.” She was bristling as she gave Serena an air kiss on either cheek, but was smiling again by the time she turned back to Smith and Valentina. “It’s been far too long.” Genevieve’s voice was pure syrup. “Serena and I are just so glad the movie is off and running. Aren’t we?”
It was too late for Serena to turn back. Too late to pretend she was someone she wasn’t. And too late to play by the rules of anyone else’s game but her own. It had been scary to trust her instincts with Sean and leap into the unknown, but if she hadn’t, she never would have found love.
And as he slid his hand onto hers, warm and steady and there for her in a way she could still hardly wrap her head around, she knew it was time to trust her instincts again. “Actually, that’s why I asked if we could all meet tonight.”
Her mother was just about to sit down when she abruptly came back to her feet. “You called this meeting, Serena?”
Gone was the syrup. In its place was a warning behind every word. One that Serena had always obeyed before.
“Yes, I needed to speak with Smith and Valentina,” she replied in a voice that she was working really hard to keep steady. “And you, Mom. I needed to speak with you, too.”
“Serena, there’s no need to be so dramatic—”
“Genevieve.” Smith stopped her mother before she could say anything more. “I’d like to hear what Serena has to say.”
With that, he turned to smile at Serena. His smile reminded her of the one Sean gave her when he wanted her to know that it was okay to say anything she needed to say, anything at all. Amazingly, she found herself smiling back at the larger-than-life movie star.
“Smith, Valentina, you’ve been so kind to me every step of the way,” she began. “I can’t tell you what an honor it was to even be asked to audition for your movie, let alone be given a part in it. But—”
“It is so much more than an honor,” Genevieve exclaimed. “Working on your movie is everything she’s ever dreamed of!”
But Smith never looked away from Serena. “Is it really, Serena?”
She swallowed hard. “No.” Sean ran a thumb lightly across her palm, and his touch helped keep her grounded. “I love books. I love to read them, and maybe one day I’ll write them, or teach about them, or help people find information in them. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to make a career out of books yet, but I’m hoping to find out. That’s why I enrolled in Stanford this year, which I love. And even though I don’t know if they’re going to agree to let me go beyond this first probationary quarter to make me a permanent student, I can’t leave in the middle of the quarter.” But that wasn’t the full truth. “I don’t want to leave school, not now, or after the quarter ends. I’m so sorry—I know this will probably cause all sorts of problems for you both and it’s why I was going to do the movie anyway, because I don’t want to disappoint you. But I don’t want to be an actress.”
“Of course you do!” Genevieve exploded. “This is what you’ve been working for your entire life!”
Serena knew she needed to say no again, but if it had been hard to bail on Smith Sullivan’s movie, it was a thousand times harder to finally make it clear to her mother that she was never, ever going back to modeling or acting. In an instant, her palms were sweating, her heart was racing, and her breath was coming way too fast.
“Serena.”
Sean’s voice was soft, but firm enough that she had to snap out of her growing panic at least long enough to turn to face him. When she looked into his eyes, she saw not only love, but a reminder of the love he’d come from. “All of the answers are there inside your head, your body, your heart,” his mother had written to him. “And I promise you that your choices will always be supported by the people who love you exactly as you are: Strong. Smart. Talented. Uniquely, perfectly you.”
“You’re right,” she finally said to her mother. “Up until two months ago, this was exactly what I’d worked toward. But I was wrong to keep going when I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted. I don’t want to act or model. Not ever again.”
Valentina and Smith both stood up. “We’ll leave the three of you alone for a few minutes,” Smith said. As they walked past Serena, Valentina mouthed, “You’re doing great,” and gave her a thumbs-up.
Serena already knew the Sullivans were nice people, but after pulling out of their movie at the last minute, anyone would have been mad. Instead, they were being completely supportive of her in ways she’d never expected anyone to be. At least, not until Sean and Abi had shown her what true friendship, and love, was all about.
“Look at what you’ve done! Do you know how hard it’s going to be to get them to sign you on again once you come to your senses?”
Finally, Serena snapped. “I have come to my senses!” God, she didn’t want it to be like this, didn’t want to stand here yelling at her mother in a movie star’s living room. But before she could get a grip and somehow try to fix everything that was breaking more by the second, Genevieve turned on Sean.
“This is all your fault!” Her mother was practically breathing fire. “She was never headstrong like this, never would have dared yell at me until you appeared.”
“If Serena wanted to go back to modeling, I’d support her.” Sean held her close with an arm around her waist, his voice raw with emotion he wasn’t trying to hold back. “If she wanted to be an actress, I’d support her. But if you’d listen to what she’s been saying to you, you’d know that she doesn’t want either of those things.”
“How dare you speak to me about my daughter as if you know her better than I do!”
Serena knew how hard Sean had been working to let her speak for herself when he wanted so badly to protect her. So now, even though she knew he wouldn’t be able to get through to her mother, she let him say what he needed to say.
“I love your daughter exactly as she is,” Sean said. “And so should you.”
It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever heard anyone say. So beautiful that it gave her the final strength she needed to finish what she needed to say, too.
“I know you’ve only ever wanted the best for me.” She made herself look her mother in the eye, made herself stand strong and steady. “And I know you think that teaching me your beliefs about men and love was a way to protect me from getting hurt. But I’m not a little girl anymore.” When her mother didn’t leap straight down her throat, Serena hoped—prayed—that she was finally getting through. “Mom, please can’t we—”
“You did this on purpose, didn’t you? Brought me here to shame me in front of Smith Sullivan to try to teach me a lesson.”
“I would never do that to you.” She instinctively reached out for her mother, but Genevieve pulled back.
“Some day,” Serena said in a choked voice, “I hope you’ll forgive me. Not just for walking away from this movie and my modeling career...but for having to give up your own dreams for me. I tried so long to give them back to you any way I could. But now it’s time for me to live my own dreams.” Sean’s arms surrounded her as though he was trying to take away her pain. “I love you, Mom. I always have and always will, and one day I hope you’ll believe it’s true.”
Her mother was staring at her in a way that Serena had never seen before. A way that scared her. It was over. Her mother hated her...and Serena was going to break into a million pieces, right here in the middle of the living room. She buried her face in Sean’s chest, felt his hand stroke her hair.
“I don’t understand.”
The ringing in her ears was so loud that Serena thought it had to be her stupidly boundless well of hope that was making her hear things. But then she heard it again.
“I don’t understand.”
As if in slow motion, Serena lifted her face from Sean’s chest and turned to look at her mother. “Mom?” The short word broke in her tear-clogged throat, one syllable becoming two.
Her mother was crying, too, now. And saying, “I don’t understand,” again and again until the words all ran together. IdontunderstandIdontunderstandIdontunderstand.
Serena had to go to her. And when she did, she realized Sean was right beside her, helping her mother sit down. Finding a box of tissues. Being Serena’s rock through absolutely everything.
“I wanted you to have everything. To be everything. To never wonder what if like I did.”
“That’s why I had to go to college.” Serena felt as though her heart was finally starting to beat again. “Because if I didn’t, I’d never stop wondering what I had missed.”
Her mother finally looked at her. Really, truly looked. Mascara was running in black streaks down Genevieve’s cheeks, but for the first time in Serena’s memory, she didn’t try to fix it.
“I don’t understand,” her mother said again, but it sounded a little different now. “I never wanted to go to college. I never liked books, wanted to run screaming from the library. But you...even when you were a little girl, you had to have a book with you all the time.” Genevieve shook her head. “I thought that would change. That you would change. That you’d become more like me.” She brushed the back of her hand over her cheeks, smearing red lipstick into her running mascara. “But why would you want that when I was never anything? Never anything that mattered to anyone.”
“Yes, you were. You are.”
“What?” Her mom had never looked so lost. Or so afraid. “What am I?”
“You’re my mom. And you matter to me. So, so much.”
And this time, when she reached for her, Genevieve leaned all the way into Serena’s arms.
* * *
Thank God, thought Sean as they got out of his car behind his frat house a couple of hours later, Serena was smiling again. Ever since they’d left Smith’s house, she’d practically been floating.
“I feel so free,” she told him. “For the very first time in my life, I feel like I can do anything. Anything at all. And wasn’t it amazing when Smith offered to introduce me to his sister Sophie? She’s a librarian in San Francisco and also went to Stanford. How cool is that?”
Standing in the middle of the parking lot, Serena fit into his arms so perfectly and her lips tasted so sweet as she kissed him that he could hardly remember what his life had been like before he’d met her. Parts had been great, parts had been terrible, but none of it had ever been this real. This powerful. Or, he thought as she pressed the full length of her curves against him and made a little sound of pleasure into his mouth, this hot. It wasn’t until when one of his frat brothers whistled that they finally remembered they were in public and headed for his room hand in hand.
In the wake of tonight’s events, Sean was happy, too. Happier, at least, knowing that Serena definitely wasn’t going to be leaving to film the movie. Unfortunately, her academic status on campus was still in question, and he’d been racking his brain all night trying to think of the best way to deal with her lecherous professor. Plus, he couldn’t help but worry about Serena’s mother. Because even though Genevieve had taken a giant step forward tonight, what if Serena put all her hopes into having a great new relationship with her mother...and then was disappointed if another big breakthrough never came?
In the end, though, Sean knew he couldn’t protect her from everything, even if he wanted to. Besides, Serena had proved that she was more than capable of taking care of herself. Still, he silently vowed to always be there as backup.
He’d planned on picking up where their kiss had left off once they were in his room, but once they were inside and the door was closed, the box of photos was suddenly all he could see.
Serena had finally faced down her biggest fear of disappointing—and losing—her mother. But he still hadn’t dealt with the reality of losing his.
“The last day with my mom, I took pictures of her. Pictures I’ve never developed.” He’d smashed his camera on the pavement outside the hospital, but he hadn’t been able to walk away without picking up the film. “There’s a darkroom on campus.”
Serena lifted his hand to her lips and pressed a kiss to it. “Let’s go.”
* * *
As soon as the two of them got to the darkroom, Sean realized his family needed to be there, too, when he developed the pictures, so he sent a group text to them. Grant arrived a few minutes later still wearing his suit. Olivia had glasses on and her hair pulled back into a ponytail. Justin came straight from the lab. Only Drew couldn’t make it because he was playing a private show in the city, but Sean knew he’d definitely come see the pictures before he headed back out on tour the following day.
Maddie was the last to get there, her eyes red as though she’d already been crying. “Dad wanted to come, I know he did, but he...”
When her tears came again, Grant put an arm around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “He’ll look at the pictures when he’s ready.”
“All of us should be able to cram inside,” Sean said, not letting go of Serena’s hand so that she knew he needed her there, too.
No one spoke as he worked carefully to make the prints. He’d taken pictures of each of his siblings and his father with his mother that day, and Drew had used Sean’s camera to take a picture of him with her, as well.
Sean had expected developing these pictures to bring back all his grief, and for a little while, it did. But then, slowly, that sadness began to shift. And when he was finally done developing the entire roll and made himself take a close look at each of the pictures, he realized why.
Lisa Morrison had been such an amazing mother to each and every one of them that, in the end, all that was left for Sean to see wasn’t how sick she was, or how frail she’d become.
All he saw, and all he felt in the darkroom surrounded by his brothers and sisters and girlfriend, was love.