21.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY:
A celebration of another year of marriage, no divorce, no separation. Whew!
Friday morning, I called up Adam. I wasn’t really mad at him. I knew that he was only looking out for me. I told him that I would catch a ride with him, as I wouldn’t be going with Ryder to my parents’ party.
“And if they look for Ryder, what will you tell them?” Adam asked.
“That we’re taking time off. That I wasn’t ready. Ryder is a wonderful guy, but he was too serious about getting married and I’m not ready for that commitment yet. Plus, he’s in Manhattan eighty percent of the time.”
“And what will you really do about Ryder, Astrid?” he asked.
I took a deep breath. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s… my boss apparently. I’ll keep working on this, until the profits start coming in. And then I’ll look for other opportunities. Don’t worry; you can hire Nicole to take over. She’s just as good as I am,” I said. “Then give me a month or two, I’ll move out of my room too.”
“You didn’t have to do that, Ash,” Adam said. “Ryder has no intention of pulling out his investment.”
“I don’t want to owe him anything anymore, Adam.”
He sighed. “Alright, whatever. I’ll pick you up at two.”
Ten minutes to two, I went out of the house to wait for Adam.
I almost choked when I saw Ryder’s car outside. He was leaning on the passenger door.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” I asked him.
He was wearing a pair of pitch-dark shades, I couldn’t see his eyes. The arctic look on his face matches the glacial tone of his voice. “If you want to end this, let’s end it together.”
“What do you mean? You’re gonna come with me to my parents’ anniversary so we can tell them that we’re over?”
“Yeah, why not? That’s what you wanted, right?” he said coolly.
I took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be harder for me to tell them if you’re there!”
“Then it’s gonna be harder. I’m sorry, love, but if there’s one thing I will not make easy for you, this is it,” he said raising his brow.
“Adam is supposed to pick me up!” I said.
“No, he’s not,” he said. “He’s probably on his way there.” Then he motioned his hand for me to get into his car. “Ma’am?”
I groaned and then I got in. He rounded his car and hopped into the driver’s seat. We drove off in silence. I looked out the window. My heart was hammering against my chest.
I wanted to touch Ryder. He looked even more handsome than he did the last time I saw him. Only then, his expression was warm and jolly, like I was perfect in his eyes. But now, the look on his face was serious and irritated.
The music inside his car was loud. He made no effort to lower the volume. It was as if he wanted me to know that he was in no mood to talk. And I was glad. I didn’t know what to say to him either.
Finally, we arrived at my parents’ house.
My family greeted us warmly. Ryder removed his sunglasses to reveal his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. When he smiled at my parents, that smile didn’t touch his eyes. When his eyes met mine, his expression was dry and impassive.
Where is the Ryder Van Woodsen I’ve known and liked?
I felt like crying. I missed him—the Ryder that I fell asleep talking to over the phone and in bed; the Ryder who playfully gets carried away with hugging and kissing me.
We greeted our relatives. Ryder felt right at home with them. He played with my nieces. Many of them still remembered him from the wedding. We were with my family all day, but somehow, we avoided each other.
I was trying to find the right time to tell my parents that Ryder and I were over. I knew they would be very concerned. I’d tell them that we decided to remain friends and that is why he still came with me.
I found my mother in the kitchen. I helped her with the cupcakes she was preparing.
“You seemed very happy,” I told her.
“How can I not be? Your father loves me the same way after all these years!” She beamed. Then she looked at me. “My only daughter is with a man who will take care of her better than I hoped.”
I looked away from her guiltily. I took a deep breath. “Yeah, about Ryder and I…” I started. “We’re not…”
Just then Ryder burst into the room with my eight-year-old niece Carol on his back. Must he be such a pain?
“I’m beat, little princess,” He told her as he put her down. “Why don’t you play with your brother outside while I catch my breath?”
Then he turned to us. My mother was smiling at him widely.
“You need help there, Mom?” he asked.
Mom? What the hell?
I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you calling her ‘Mom’?” I demanded.
“I told him to. You’ll be married in a year’s time anyway,” my mother said.
“Who said we’re getting married in a year’s time?” I asked.
“Ryder did. I asked him when the big date is and he said he’s just given you a year to tie all the loose ends in your life and he’ll keep the pressure on! But by the looks of it, maybe it’s less than a year.” My mother smiled.
I stared at Ryder. How could he tell my mother that? He knew I was going to tell them that we’re over!
I glared at him. He gave me that crooked smile. And instead of being fazed by my anger, he winked at me and turned to my mother. “Yes. I can’t wait for her to be Mrs. Astrid Van Woodsen.”
My mother laughed. “We’ll always be thankful for the day you met Astrid. When Bry….” my mother trailed off.
“It’s okay,” Ryder said. “I know everything about Bryan and what he did. In fact, it was during those difficult times that I met Ash. It was his loss, and my gain. Astrid is a gem.”
“You’re too sweet, Ryder. And you know we already consider you a part of this family.”
Oh great! Just perfect!
Then my mother turned to me. “You were about to tell me something, dear?” my mother asked.
Ryder raised a brow at me. “Yes, love. What were you about to say to Mom?” He won this game and he knew it. There was no way I would tell my mother that Ryder and I were over after all that.
I was fuming. How could he make this so hard for me?
“Nothing,” I said. “I’m going to get some air.”
I went into the backyard and found my father sitting on one of the tables smoking a cigar.
“How are you Dad?” I asked.
He smiled. “I’m happy, sweetheart. Thirty years of marriage. And I’m still in love with your mother the same way.”
“I envy you. You found your ‘ever after’.”
He laughed. “You found yours, too,” he said motioning over to where Ryder was now, talking animatedly to Uncle Reynolds and two of my aunts. “You’re very lucky. He didn’t have to be rich as long as he’s in love with you. Looks like you got lucky in both departments.”
I took a deep breath. I opened my mouth to tell him that Ryder and I were over. Then I looked at Ryder. He looked genuinely amused when he laughed at Uncle Reynolds’s joke.
“That’s one man who will do anything for you, Ash,” my father said. “I didn’t really like Bryan that much, but you loved him and you were happy when you told us you were engaged. When he cheated on you, I wanted to shoot him between the eyes.”
My eyes widened at my father’s comment. I didn’t know he felt that way when he found out about Bryan and Geena.
“Then you went to that wedding all happy and in love… with a man who is more in love with you than Bryan ever was… and Ryder is a more decent man. He makes an effort not only to impress you, but also your family. And I couldn’t be any happier this day. I’m happy about my marriage to your mother, and I’m happier to see my one and only daughter being taken care of by a man who can give her a better life than I ever did.”
I knew I should have spoken. I knew I should have ended it there. But instead, I stood there quietly, tears brimming in my eyes.
My father smiled at me. “Give me raven-haired, violet-eyed grandchildren,” he teased.
I smiled. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what not to say. I knew that I just didn't have the heart to tell him that the only person taking care of his little girl was herself.
The day pulled through with me helping out my aunts with the preparations and Ryder charming my cousins, nieces, and aunts.
When I took a rest from putting icing on the cupcakes, I sat on one of the swings, thoughtfully watching my teenage cousins and nephews play the guitar on one corner.
Just then, Ryder joined them, sitting with the guys and singing along with them. He looked like a teenage boy, playfully changing the tones and lyrics of the songs and then laughing along.
He looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself. From where I sat, he looked like the playful Ryder once again. The Ryder that I missed. He looked so far from the cold, calculating tycoon who drove me here.
“He looks like he belongs there,” a female voice said beside me.
I stared up and found myself staring at Geena’s big blue eyes. Unlike the last time I saw her, I found that her eyes were dim and she has circles around them. She had just delivered her baby a couple of months ago, but she’d already lost so much weight.
Geena sat on the swing beside me. I remembered when we were kids; we would hang out on these swings a lot. Now, we’d been through a lot more in months than we had in twenty-five years.
“I’m glad that you are happy, Ash,” she said quietly. I couldn’t believe my ears. She took a deep breath. “At least it takes some of the guilt away. Bryan was not good enough for you.”
I stared at her for a while. Seriously?
She smiled at me sadly. “I used to envy you a lot,” she said. “I may have everything that my heart desires… materially, but I lack the attention, the adoration, and even the love that you have. Everything just seems to come so easily to you. The room just lights up when you enter it. I may be the white rose in the corner, but you… you’re the sunflowers and daisies all over the place.” She took a deep breath. Still I couldn’t find my voice. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, profanities would come flying out.
She continued, “I didn’t like that at some point. My dad loves you like you were his own. Even my half-brother likes you better than me. And you’re not even related to them by blood. I grew up envying you. And jealousy has an ugly head.
“I failed to see that all throughout these years, you were the one who stood up for me. You were always there to defend me, to point me to the right direction. You were my best friend, Ash. But…” Tears were rolling down her face now.
“I… betrayed you. I thought you were happy with Bryan and I wanted that relationship, too. You were dating each other for years and I couldn’t even find a guy to date me for two straight weeks. He was cheating on you though. Not with me. There were others… I know because I went to bars almost every night. And Bryan and I started moving in the same circles, having the same crowd, without your knowledge…”
Okay that’s it! I don’t need to relive my nightmares. I’m okay now. “Geena, I don’t want to hear this…”
“But you have to,” she begged. “For my sake. Please? So I can finally get it off of my chest.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I bit my tongue. I decided to look over at Ryder, to calm myself, and get a little bit of courage to listen to Geena.
“Alright,” I said without looking away from Ryder.
“Whenever Bryan took you home at night, he'd go to bars, meet girls, have one night stands. I thought, you couldn’t really blame him because he wasn’t getting any from you. But when it was getting to be too much already, I confronted him about it. And in one sudden, twisted moment, we just went at each other.”
For a while there, I was afraid that she was going to go into details about how she and Bryan had sex for the first time. If she goes graphic, I promise I will kill myself!
“And then it happened again and again. We both knew we needed to stop. Because of you. But we couldn’t. We didn’t mean to betray you, Ash. It just… happened. But you have every right to curse us forever.”
Oh, thank God she got that one right!
I stared at her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. “What do you want from me, Geena? My forgiveness? My consent?”
She took a deep breath. “I want to know that you’re happy. You don’t have to be happy for me… for us. I just want to know if you truly are happy.” She looked over where Ryder was. “At first, I was mad at you for beating me again. Sporting a guy who is a hundred times better than Bryan. Filthy rich. Handsome. Smart. I thought you did it to spite me, to make Bryan jealous. If those were your intentions, you won, Astrid. I was envious of you and Bryan was insanely jealous. You were all we talked about on our wedding night!” She took a deep breath again.
I let her go on. “We thought it wouldn’t last. I thought you were doing all that for the show. But he’s still here. You’re still together. And the way he looks at you… there’s so much tenderness in his eyes. It was even better than the way Bryan ever looked at you and I thought he was so in love with you! Ryder watches you all the time. And even though you’re already together, he still cannot wipe that look of yearning on his face.
“Bryan broke your heart, but you found a man who loves you ten times more than he ever would have.” Geena took a deep breath. “What we did to you may not have any excuse… but I want to know if you’re really happy. With Ryder. That he makes you happier than Bryan ever did… so I can at least tell myself that even if I hurt you, it was some sort of blessing in disguise. That Heaven has used me to pave the way to your true happiness. I know it’s a lousy excuse to make myself feel better… but it really would. So I need to know if you really love him, and that you’re really happy,” Geena said in an almost begging voice.
I looked at Ryder again. He was holding a guitar now and was playing it. And then he started singing. The kids around him listened intently. And somehow, so did I. He was good.
His voice was sincere and mesmerizing. He sang soulfully. I couldn’t help being drawn to his voice.
I knew the song he was singing.
Picture, you’re the queen of everything,
as far as the eye can see,
under your command…
I will be your guardian,
when all is crumbling,
to steady your hand…
As he sang, with head bowed down and his eyes closed, I couldn’t help feeling all sorts of emotions. I felt as if there was something inside him that hurts and he’s pouring it all out in a song.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks now, and I don’t know why. He looked up and finally met my eyes.
“Don’t let me go… don’t let me go… don’t let me go…”
The look he gave me was so intense; I couldn’t bear the weight of it. It was as if he was making a plea… to me. I lost my breath. If only he meant that… if only I didn’t find Alizia in his house last night…
I looked away from him and turned to Geena who was watching me carefully. Then she slowly smiled.
“I know you, Ash,” she said. “Sometimes, even better than you know yourself.” She took a deep breath again. “I think I know my answer too.” She smiled. “And I feel better. I’ll try to work it out with Bryan. I know he still loves you. But I will try… for our baby at least. If… we break up and he runs to you, please, Ash… don’t take him back. Not for me. But for yourself.” Then she looked at Ryder and then back at me.
“You should recognize a good thing when it’s in front of you. He genuinely loves you. More than you love him. I can tell that you’ve been avoiding each other all day. If something’s wrong, try to work it out. He’s good for you, Ash. And I want you to be happy. This guy will make you happy. Don’t underestimate the intensity of your feelings for him. You love him… probably more than you loved Bryan. And if you choose to invite me to your wedding, I want you to know that I will be there. And for once, I will be genuinely happy for you.”
Geena stood up. I was still speechless. I just didn’t know what to say to her. Honestly, I loved Geena too. We grew up together and we’d had good times. She was jealous of me, but now she’s terribly sorry for everything she did. I looked at Ryder again. He was strumming the last notes of his song. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks.
“Do you know that you never cried whenever you and Bryan were fighting?” Geena asked.
I stared at her. Was she right? I could hardly remember what it was like with Bryan now.
“You didn’t care as much. Bryan was your friend, and the relationship was comfortable and easy. But relationships don’t have to be easy all the time, Ash. What’s more important is that it’s… passionate, exciting, as much as it is comforting. The perfect thing is that you should marry your best friend, who you have the hots for… not some guy who’s just practically your roommate.
“Ryder is perfect for you in all aspects. If you thought your relationship with Bryan was… sensible… what you have with Ryder is… magic. I hope you think about that.” And when I stared up at her again, I saw that she has a genuinely happy smile on her face. “I’m okay now, Ash. Maybe forgiveness will come between us. Someday. But thank you for giving me the hope that it will.”
When she left, I felt all sorts of emotions run over me. Relief, because I knew that somehow Geena meant every word she said. Guilt, because I’d cheated everyone by letting them think that I was okay. Confusion, because even though I was set to break my fake engagement to Ryder, my heart felt heavier than it did when I broke up with Bryan.
When Ryder came into my life, he picked me up from whatever hole I was in. He was the glue that put me back together. He knew wedding planning was my passion, so he invested in it and banked on my talents. Maybe he did it as a businessman. But he helped me up. Without telling me what he was doing.
He became a constant thing in my life. Time breezed through without me noticing that slowly, I was becoming my old self again, maybe even better and Ryder was becoming the pillar of my strength. He could be so persistent; I couldn’t shake him off. In bed, we’re like a dormant volcano exploding. We shared a passion that sometimes seemed uncontainable, and yet we had this bond that seemed so comforting.
Now… we’re approaching the end of our charade, I knew it was the right thing to do. But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt like the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life. I couldn’t tell my parents that we’re over because then it would mean I was really letting him go.
And God knows I didn’t want to! Because even though he was the epitome of the lifestyle I stayed away from since I was a teenager, I knew that he was also the epitome of the man I hoped to have an ‘ever after’ with.
Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I’d reached the shoreline. I stood there staring at the ocean. When I was younger, I came to the beach a lot… to think… to tell my troubles to the waves and hope that they would take all of it away.
I thought about Geena. I knew she was not happy with Bryan. But the fact that she wanted to know if I was happy with Ryder told me that she was truly sorry for what she did. I searched my heart for any grudge for her or even for Bryan… I found that there was none. Not anymore. I just didn’t care anymore.
And then Ryder… how could I bring myself to tell my parents that it’s over? I’m not even wearing my engagement ring anymore, which surprisingly nobody noticed… not even Geena. When it’s over, that will be it. Ryder will be out of my life. How can I bring myself to let him go… to wake up from the dream? To admit that he belongs to someone like Alizia after all. And all I had were a few moments of borrowed heaven.
Just then, I felt that I was no longer alone. I felt Ryder’s presence behind me. Tears still kept rolling down my cheeks. I wanted so much to lose myself in his arms. To hold him, touch him and tell him that…
I love him… even though he was just a dream. Even though it was time to wake up now. Even though I was scared… of having a relationship… especially with a guy like him.
Even though he had Alizia now…
Could I blame him?
How many times did I turn him down? I never gave him a chance. How long did I make him wait? For nothing!
I should have taken a chance when he begged me to. And now… I was too late. I closed my eyes, and more tears came. I wrapped my arms around myself and I silently whimpered.
Just then, as if he couldn’t take it anymore, I felt Ryder’s hand on my shoulder, forcing me to turn around and then he crushed me into his arms. I buried my face on his shoulder and cried quietly.
He didn’t really belong to me and yet, this heaven in his arms just felt so right! There in his arms, I felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be, and we’d hold each other this way just the same. But I knew…. I blew away all the chances I had.
Ryder didn’t say a word. He just held me, the way I wanted… and needed to be held. He kept me warm, safe, and comforted. After a while, the tears stopped, but we still continued standing there, locked in each other’s arms.
Then he took a deep breath and said, “You don’t have to break this off to your family yet if you can’t.”
“You’ve made it difficult for me,” I whispered quietly.
“I told you I would,” he said. “It wasn’t going to be easy.”
“But why?”
He sighed. “Because I wanted you to be sure about what you’re doing first before you tell your family that I’m not going to be around to take care of you anymore.” And that just made me want to cry even more.
“Ash… I didn’t mean to lie to you about the investment,” he said. “I really was looking for something to invest in with the first profits I had from Oil Rig and Rig Style. I saw how lucrative your industry was and I saw how brilliant you were during that wedding. I knew you were looking for a job. It presented a great opportunity for me, so I took it. I didn’t want to tell you yet because when I made the deal with Adam, you didn’t know who I really was. I couldn’t tell you, but I was planning to.”
“When?”
He took a deep breath. “Every day, I wanted to tell you. It was hard to lie to you every single day. And I every time I tried… I just chickened out.”
“So what do you want me to do with your business now?”
“Keep doing it. It’s yours as much as it’s mine. Your contract with Adam has always been that you’re a partner. I’m just a capitalist, Ash. You own all the hard work,” he said.
“You want me to be your business partner?”
“You already are. I want it to stay that way.”
A mere business partner… but what could I expect? Him telling me that what we had during the past months was real?
“I’ll think about it,” I said to him. “About the fake… engagement… it’s not fair to you if we keep doing this, Ryder. We both need to keep up with reality… and I can’t come between you and Alizia. It’s not fair. You’ve helped me more than enough.”
He pulled back and stared down at me. His eyes narrowed.
“Alizia…” he started.
But then we were cut off by a voice calling us from a distance. I looked over Ryder’s shoulder to see my niece, Cathy waving at us.
“Pictures!” she called to us. “Come!”
I stared up at Ryder. It looked like he wanted to say something, but then he took a deep breath and said, “We better get going.”
I nodded. I was disappointed. I wanted to know what he had to say about Alizia. As much as the truth would hurt, I knew I would rather hear it from him straight. I knew I had no right to be angry or jealous anyway. And besides, I went out on a date with Tyler in the hopes of moving on. Ryder deserved to do the same. In fact, he deserved it more than I did. He was the one who was doing me a favor. I was the one with the heartache to get over and a face to save.
As we walked back to the house, Ryder suddenly took my hand and intertwined our fingers. I stared at him and raised a brow.
He smiled slowly and said, “You’re still engaged to me here, remember?”
I nodded. “But keep a safe distance. I know what it’s been like to be cheated on, and I don’t want the same pain for any other woman… even though we’re just pretending, Alizia doesn't know that, and she may not understand.”
Ryder’s face tightened, but he didn’t say anything.
My heart felt heavier. It felt more torn than it was this morning. It was as if he was confirming what I feared… I had lost my chance… I had lost him.