32.
SOMETHING OLD:
A bride must also complete her ensemble on the wedding day with something old. It could be an heirloom piece, old jewelry, or anything that the bride
owned in the past.
Astrid.
The following days, I barely left John’s house. Rose was taking care of all the queries for the company. I spoke to my suppliers over the phone. I searched through the net to find a new place with a lower rent.
I was getting frustrated because the places with lower rents are really smaller. So it means that I have to rent a separate apartment for myself.
“Why don’t you just rent a room instead of a place of your own?” John asked. We were eating pizza in his house.
“I suppose you’re right. I mean, I can afford a new apartment, but I don’t want to spend too much on that. I still have a long way to go with my company. And I still have to return Adam’s money.”
“Well, you know I have a spare room,” John offered.
“You don’t need the money.” I told him.
“But you need a room,” he said.
I sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
“Cool.” He stood up from his seat and grabbed his jacket.
“Hot date?”
He grinned. “Don’t wait up.”
I rolled my eyes. “Player.” I muttered under my breath.
Ryder’s car has not moved in two days, so I assumed he’s back in New York and I am safe from running into him for the time being.
I closed the deal on my lease. It’s in the center of the city. It’s a lot smaller than my current office, but it will do for now. Besides, it’s all about the interior design. I just have to make it cute and cozy.
I had to move out, too. I took most of my personal stuff to John’s place. I considered his offer, but only temporarily. He’s a nice guy and all, but it’s weird having breakfast with a different girl almost every morning.
I still think about Ryder every hour. I wonder how he is. I still remember our many nights of passion. It still brings tears to my eyes. And I am still praying that one day, he’ll come back and tell me he remembers me and he still wants me.
One late afternoon, I was taking out my boxes from the office, when suddenly a voice startled me from behind.
“Going somewhere?”
My heart stopped beating. I took short breaths and turned around to face him.
He was wearing jeans and a white Armani T-shirt. He looked simple. He didn’t look like a tycoon at all. His hair was disheveled and he had dark circles around his eyes, like he hasn’t been sleeping at all. But God, he still looks beautiful.
“I… I’m moving,” I replied.
“Why?”
I shrugged. “This place is too big for me. I am trying to cut costs so I can make more profit.”
He nodded. I saw guilt cross his face, but I turned away. I don’t need that. I don’t need his pity. And besides, there is nothing wrong with cutting costs and laying low. In fact, I should have done this when I started the company in the first place.
I turned back to my boxes. I lifted one, and it was really heavy. Ryder stood beside me and took the box from my hand, lifting it as if it weighed nothing.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“I’ve closed the lease on the new place. I have to get my stuff out of here this week.”
“Did you not consider movers?” he asked.
“I don’t have a lot of stuff. A couple of trips will save me the money I would spend on the movers. It’s unnecessary.”
He looked like he wanted to say something, but then he decided not to. Instead, he took another box out to the front. Then he went back to take some more.
What is he doing now?
“Ryder… really. I can do this,” I said to him.
He grinned at me. “I know. But if I help, you will finish faster.”
Is he trying to be cute? But God knows ‘cute’ is a huge understatement to describe Ryder Van Woodsen!
“Why do you care?” I retorted.
He shrugged. “Maybe because I would like to ask you out to dinner after you’re done here. So the sooner we finish the better.”
I sighed. What now?
“Why do you want to have dinner with me? Ryder, I can’t…” To my surprise, he reached out to take my hand. His touch was gentle. Sincere. I wasn’t able to finish my sentence.
“Please, Astrid?” he pleaded.
I looked into his eyes. And somehow, I saw the shadow of the man that I loved in there. The man that loved me back. Hope flickered inside me.
Hope. Is there still hope for Ryder and me?
I nodded. He smiled at me. “Thank you.”
Ryder was making some calls while helping me bring out my boxes. And when I went inside my office to continue packing some more of my office stuff with Rose and Leilani, he went with me and silently helped.
Then I heard some noise out in the front. I went out and found a huge truck pulling up my driveway. The logo on the truck said General Movers.
I stared at Ryder in disbelief. He grinned at me.
“I told you, I don’t want this. This is an unnecessary cost for me.”
He gave me a crooked smile. “But it’s not on you. It’s on me.”
“Ryder, I don’t want to owe you anything!” I said in a frustrated tone.
He grinned at me again. He reached out to push a lock of hair away from my face. “I know. And you don’t,” he said. “Consider this a treat.”
“A treat?” I echoed.
He shrugged. “A treat from your boyfriend.”
That irritated me. I pushed him, but he was too quick for me, as if he knew I was going to do that. He trapped both my hands against his chest and pulled me closer to him. His expression was mischievous and boyish.
“Astrid…” He said gently. “Did you break up with me before my accident?”
I took a deep breath. I shook my head.
“Did I break up with you?” he asked again.
I shook my head.
He gave me a crooked smile. And then he pulled me closer towards him, snaking one arm around my waist. Then he leaned forward, I can feel his breath on my neck, which caused all the hairs in my body to rise.
“So if we didn’t break up, it means we’re still a couple. I’m still your boyfriend, Astrid,” he said. “Don’t forget that, sweetheart.” And he planted a soft kiss on my neck, before releasing me.
I felt weak when he pulled away from me. I had to hold on to one of the boxes beside me to support my weight.
Damn it! How can he have such an effect on me? And what game is he playing? He’s asking me not to forget that he’s still my boyfriend, when he was the one who literally forgot that I was his girlfriend!
Ryder turned and gave instructions to the movers.
“Where will they take these boxes?” he asked me. I gave him the exact address.
“So, now, you’re free,” he said.
“But these guys are not yet done.”
“Your assistant can watch them. These guys will pack and transport everything to your new place. And then they will unpack everything there. Basically, you don’t have to worry about a thing. You’re free to go out with me now.”
I rolled my eyes. He didn’t give me a choice. I don’t know what game he is playing, but to be honest, I was curious. After all, what else can Ryder Van Woodsen do to me that will hurt me even further? I’m practically maxed out!
“Okay, since I’ve packed away most of my clothes already, I’m going like this!” I said motioning to the jeans, sleeveless turtleneck top and thong sandals that I was wearing. I will make no effort to look glamorous to impress Ryder. The Ryder I know likes me the best when I’m wearing one of his oversized shirts.
He grinned at me. “Do you always look gorgeous in anything you wear?”
I raised a brow at him. Is he… flirting with me?
“You’re kidding, right?” I asked.
He smiled and stepped closer to me. “I wish I was,” he said. He looked down at me, pushing a lock of hair away from my face again. He looked into my eyes. “Your eyes are beautiful.”
“Of course. I’m a witch remember?” I retorted and stepped away from him.
I can’t be too close to Ryder. I have to put some distance between us before I literally jump on him and beg him to kiss me like there’s no tomorrow.
He stared at me for a moment, watching my face turn the deepest shade of red. Then he grinned. “Your blush is beautiful too, you know. And I like it that I can make you blush.”
I groaned. “Ryder, what’s going on?” I finally asked. “The last time we saw each other, you were not nearly this nice to me!”
He raised a brow. “I don’t think that’s true. The last time I saw you I couldn’t get my eyes or my hands off you.”
I breathed heavily. “Where’s the rude guy who thought I was after his money?”
He raised his hand like a boy scout. “Hey, ‘asshole mode’ still off.” He grinned.
Somehow, this Ryder is confusing me. He’s every bit as cute and as playful as the first time I went out with him in Miami… the first time I actually changed my mind about Ryder Van Woodsen being a snob and obnoxious.
He seems like the old him, but I know he’s different. The arrogant guy who woke up at the hospital was so much easier to resist. This Ryder, on the other hand… I live for this man! God, help me!
“Are you going to turn it back on anytime soon? Because I have to be ready, you know! I have to make sure I have enough fire power to snap back at you and enough cab money to get back home when I walk out on you.”
Ryder stared at me for a while, and then he laughed, a real heartwarming laugh. “You’re amazing Astrid Jacobson! I guess now I understand how you got through my shield the first time around.”
I raised a brow at him. Still waiting for his answer.
He took a deep breath and reached out to touch my cheek. “No. I promise. ‘Asshole mode’… forever off,” he said and my heart nearly melted right then and there. He looked so sincere and there was tenderness in the way he stared at me now. The cold, relentless man I met at the hospital was almost gone. “Now, can we go?”
I sighed and then I nodded.
He took me to a restaurant and chose a spot where we had a lovely view of the beach. Tears threatened to brim my eyes. This place was the same restaurant we went to when I first found out who he was. But of course he doesn’t remember that.
When I looked at him, he was staring at me, watching my expression. He didn’t say anything. But I know he could see that I was on the verge of crying.
“We came here before, didn’t we?” he asked quietly.
I bit my lip. “Yes. First time after I found out who you really were. When I found out that you lied to me about being a bartender.”
The waiter came and interrupted us. Ryder asked me to order first. I ordered pasta and Ryder ordered salmon.
“Why did you have to move?” he finally asked me.
“The place was too big for me and too expensive. I would rather divert those funds into more important things,” I replied.
“You still have my investment,” he said gently.
I stared at him and raised a brow. “No. I gave you the check.”
He reached for my hand across the table. “I didn’t cash it,” he said. “And I’m not going to. I was out of line when I pulled it out.”
I bit my lip for a moment and then I gently pulled my hand away from his. “Doesn’t matter, Ryder. I don’t want your investment anymore. I can do this. It will be difficult, I know. But I guess when you pulled the plug on me, I realized that it’s time for me to grow a pair and be strong and brave enough to face the challenges in my life alone.
“Every time somebody in my life leaves me… I crumble and fall and I don’t know how to get up. When Bryan and Geena cheated on me, my world just fell apart. When you… forgot about me, I felt like a part of me died and I didn’t know how to recover from it.” I tried my best not to cry. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I have to be strong for myself.”
He stared at me for a moment. I could see pain on his face. But he was lost for words again. He didn’t know what to say. Of course, he can’t imagine how much pain he can cause another human being he doesn’t even know.
Hearing myself say those words, I know that it was the right thing to do. Ryder cannot do something out of whim and then change his mind about it and think it’s just like clicking the ‘undo’ button on a computer program.
And besides, I cannot make my life always be a result of the consequences of the actions of the people around me.
Bryan proposed to me, and I set out to become Mrs. Bryan Bryans. What a ridiculous name that is! Then he cheated on me, I became homeless and jobless. Ryder came and invested in me, and I became an entrepreneur. Then he forgets about me and I almost became jobless again.
This cycle has to stop. I have to write my own future. I have to be who I am, regardless of who comes in and walks out of my life.
I looked at Ryder again. He was staring at me. Somehow, I see some admiration in his eyes. He reached out for my hand and squeezed it.
“I know you will not change your mind about my investment,” he said. “But neither will I.”
I pulled my hand away. “Why? You don’t even know why you did it in the first place.”
“If I didn’t get into that stupid accident, I know we wouldn’t even be discussing this. I’m trying to leave everything the way it would have been.”
“Impossible.” I murmured. “You already changed a lot of things, it’s… impossible to bring them back.”
Ryder took a deep breath. I know he was getting frustrated. But so am I. I’ve been through hell these past few months. I didn’t want to give up on him. But he’s got to let me know what he really wants from me, now that he doesn’t even remember me.
“How are your mother and Paris?” I asked, just to change the subject.
“They’re good. They miss you,” he replied. “I’m going back to New York tomorrow, do you want to come with me?”
Seriously?
“Ryder… I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.
“Why not? You are my girlfriend, after all. And my sister and mother both miss you.”
I took a deep breath. “Because we’re done putting on a show for everyone to see, Ryder.” I told him. “You didn’t want that. You wanted the real thing. We can’t go and show your sister and mother that we’re getting along well, when in truth, we could hardly make it out alive when we’re with each other. I know you’re only enduring me because you have to.”
He stared at me for a long while. His eyes were hard and cold. I saw a hint of anger there, but he was trying to control it. “You don’t know anything about how I feel right now, Astrid, so don’t judge me.”
“You’re one to talk.” I muttered under my breath.
He closed his eyes for a minute and then he continued eating his food without saying another word to me.
I didn’t finish half of my food. I was so angry. How could Ryder tell me about judging people? He was the one who was quick to judge me the very first minute he laid eyes on me after his accident.
He paid for the food and then we went to his car. He opened the door for me and I went inside quietly.
“Where do you live now?” he asked, looking straight into the road.
“Across the street from you.” I murmured.
He glanced at me briefly. But he didn’t ask any more twenty-twenty questions. And I don’t want to elaborate about my living arrangements with John either. I just want to get home. This emotional rollercoaster I have with Ryder is wearing me out.
Ryder drove home quietly. I prefer it that way. If I open my mouth again, I will either cry or curse at him. Either way, it’s not going to be good.
He parked in front of John’s house, got out of the car and opened the passenger door for me.
“Whose house is this?” he asked.
“John’s,” I replied.
He raised a brow. “You’re living with… another man?”
“Yeah. He’s one of my best friends,” I replied. “And it’s a two-bedroom apartment.”
“He’s still a guy, Astrid!” Ryder argued.
“So what?”
“And he’s not even bad looking!”
“Again, so what?”
What’s the matter with him? Is he jealous?
“Don’t I have a say in this?!” He asked, trying to calm down.
“Of course! Feel free to say what you want! I don’t guarantee that it will matter though.”
“Astrid… I’m your boyfriend! And I am not comfortable with you living with another man!”
“Could you stop using the boyfriend trump card?” I asked angrily. “Only a few months ago, you were willing to pay me to stay out of your life!”
He didn’t have a response to that. The look he gave me was as guilty as it was broken.
I sighed. “It’s only for a few days. Because I have nowhere else to go!”
“My house is across the street!” He replied. “Why not stay there?”
I shook my head. “I used to stay in your house, Ryder. But you kicked me out, remember? Oh! That reminds me! When you kick your girlfriend out of your house, doesn’t that mean you broke up with her already?”
He stared at me in disbelief. “Astrid… that is so unfair!” He said. “I returned your stuff before we spent the night together. I had no more intention of letting you go in the morning! But you… you ran away from me.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. I raised my chin to him. “I have no intention of being your toy, Ryder. That’s why I ran away from you.”
He looked at me through narrowed eyes. “My toy? Is that what you think you are to me?”
I took a deep breath. “Since you woke up in the hospital, you haven’t showed me anything that will make me think otherwise. Mercenary slut, remember?”
Ryder took a step away from me. He stared at me in amazement. Maybe he realized that what I said is true. Since he woke up he’s been nothing but rude to me and showed me that he will do anything to get rid of me. Then we slept together, and suddenly he’s running around town looking for me, he’s treating me to dinner and attempting to be nice to me.
Thanks, but no thanks!
If he told me that he’s remembered even just a bit of me, I will not think that he’s doing all these to get me to bed again. But right now, it’s the only logical explanation I can come up with.
Ryder looked down and then he took a deep breath. “You’re right,” he said. “I don’t deserve your better judgment or treatment. And I can’t make you believe anything that I say either. I wanted you to give up on me. Now… I want nothing more than to undo everything I did to you in the last four months. But I guess… it’s too late for that now.”
He headed for his car. My heart was breaking into a million pieces with every step he took.
That’s it? He’s accepting it without a fight? The Ryder that I know will not give up on me too easily. He will put up a fight, even if he tricks me into accepting things, until I admit to myself that I want what he wants too.
“I’m sorry for hurting you, Astrid,” he said. “I wish… I could do something to take the pain away. If I am the cause of your pains, then I’ll stay away if that would make it hurt less. I only wish you happiness.” His voice was broken and sad. At that moment, I believed him. I believed he was really giving up this time.
This is it. We’re breaking up.
“I wish you happiness too, Ryder.” I said, trying my best not to cry. “I wish… I wish fate didn’t play with us.”
He nodded. “I wish fate made me forget everything else… but you.” He whispered. Then he went inside his car and drove off. He lives across the street, but he didn’t go home. He sped past his house and onto the highway.
I stood in John’s driveway for the longest minutes of my life, hoping that Ryder would drive back to me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I didn’t want to give up on him. But right now, I don’t know how I could hold on to him.
I know he wanted me; he wanted to possess my body. But I cannot allow him to do that unless he gives me a space in his heart. I go packaged deal with love. He can’t have fun with me unless he loves me.
Is this it? Are we really over? Did we really break up without him remembering who I was in his life?
I turned towards John’s house and opened the front door. I was about to close it behind me when suddenly a force from the other side pushed the door open.
I almost lost my balance. I had to step back to keep the door from hitting my face. I stared up the intruder, ready to shout and curse. But what I saw made my blood drain from my face. He has a smirk on his face; his eyes were reddish and have dark circles around them.
“What’s the problem, doll? Trouble in paradise? Does this mean you can finally come out and play with me?” Bryan asked me, an evil smile plastered on his face, and he definitely looked like he was high on something.
I have seen Bryan drunk, but I’ve never seen him like this. This looks like the demon version of him. The one that cuts throats and beats up girls. And when I looked into his eyes, I can only see one thing… the darkest, most evil form of lust.
Instantly, my blood froze and every nerve in my body was screaming the same thing… Run!!!