Chapter Twenty-seven
Morgan
The next few days go by slowly. I’ve only communicated with Dex via a couple texts. He’s called a couple of times, but I’ve let the calls go to voicemail and then just told him that I missed his call by text. He now knows something is wrong, I’m sure. In our texts back and forth, he hasn’t brought up the photo, but neither have I. He’s asked if everything is ok, and I just reply with a “sure” if I even reply to the question at all.
Both Gia and Ruby have given me their opinions. While they each have different thoughts on what might have happened, they both believe that one, it’s not what it seems, two, I need to talk to Dex about this, and three, I shouldn’t do anything rash.
The thing is, though, I think I know what I’m going to do, and I don’t think my decision is rash. I think falling for a guy I’ve only known for such a short time is more rash than ending a relationship. I think the fact that I’ve been feeling uneasy for a couple weeks now is a big red flag.
But the thought of never seeing Dex again makes my heart constrict in pain. The thought of never kissing him again causes a rock to form in the bottom of my stomach.
Ugh. That doesn’t matter. Does it? No. It doesn’t. I can’t keep living like this. Maybe the fact of the matter is Dex is not my soulmate. I’m just infatuated with him. I’m just in lust. Yeah, lust. Not love. Definitely not love.
Gia went over to Ruby’s tonight, I suspect because Dex got back about an hour ago and is coming over. I’m going to ask Dex about the girl and the kiss, and I’m going to listen to what he has to say. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. This decision reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother a couple months before she died.
I heard through the grapevine that my boyfriend Ryan had decided that the head cheerleader from the neighboring school was "more fun" than I. He took her on a few dates, and as the rumors went, they got hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. I didn't want to believe that he would do that, but the news still devastated me.
When I got home that day after school, the day I found out, I found my mom in her favorite spot in the house—what she called the “reading room.” Really, it was just the room she spent her days in since she was too weak to move about the house on her own. I sank down into the overstuffed loveseat next to my mom and just bawled my eyes out. She sat her book down on the end table and put an arm around me while I cried.
"Sweetie, what in the world is wrong?” she asked.
"Ryan has been seeing some cheerleader from another school. He's been making out with her, and who knows what else he's done!"
"Did Ryan tell you this, or did you see them together?"
"Well no, but it’s all everyone is talking about at school.”
"Then why are you crying? It seems like this is just a rumor, have you even spoken to Ryan about it yet?
"No," I said through sniffles.
"Ok, well maybe you should go give him a call."
"But what if he lies to me? How will I know if he lies to me, Mom? He's seemed kind of distant lately, and I've been feeling a bit off about our relationship for the last couple of weeks."
"Look, Morgan, you have to trust your significant other, and when it all boils down to it, you either trust him or you don't. Go with your gut, make the decision and live with it. You can't go back and forth, and trust him one day but not the next. No one has time for that, and you don't want to be in that kind of relationship. So, talk to him, get his side of the story and then decide. Your soulmate is out there somewhere, so don’t waste your time with cheaters and heartbreakers."
But forty-five minutes later, I was in her lap again crying because Ryan and I had broken up. His excuse was that they just happened to be at the same place at the same time, and that was it. However, he went on to say, “Honestly, Morgan, even if I did take someone else out, what do you expect? You don’t ever want to hang out anymore. All you want to do is spend time at home. You’ve become a real bore, and it really feels like you don’t even want a boyfriend.” He said this so matter-of-factly that my jaw dropped, and I just gaped at the phone for a second or two.
Jerk.
Looking back on it now, he was kind of right. I wasn’t fun anymore. There was nothing fun in my life at that time. I was losing my mom. I guess wanting to spend as much time with her was cramping his style.
What if this is happening again? I’ve fallen for someone I can’t trust. Can I trust Dex? I want to trust him, my heart says I can, but I don’t like this feeling in my gut. I really thought Dex was different. I really wanted Dex to be different.
There is a knock at the door, and I slowly stand up from the couch and cross the room to open it. I haven’t seen him in four days. Two things happen; all the uneasiness I’ve been feeling seems to dissipate into thin air at the sight of him, but then I’m hit head-on by a massive wave of anxiety.
I open the door wider and say, “Hey.”
He walks in and leans in to give me a kiss, but in a total bitch move, I turn my head slightly so he gets my cheek. I hate that I did that, but I know if I let him kiss me, I will lose my resolve.
He pulls back and a look of confusion sets on his face. I close the door and head back to the couch. I tuck a leg up underneath me and hold a pillow to my chest.
“How’d you guys do in the tournament?” I ask, buying some time.
He’s sitting next to me but sits in an uncomfortable perch on the couch.
“We did fine. Second place. We should have won it, but I guess my mind was elsewhere.”
“Oh.”
“Morgan. What’s going on?”
With a sigh, because we might as well get into this now, I say, “I saw the picture.”
His eyebrows knit together and then his face falls. “Oh yeah, that. Well, that was nothing.”
“It was nothing? It looked like more than nothing to me.”
“I didn’t know Kelsey was going to post it. I should have asked her not to.”
So, he does know her? “Kelsey? You know her?”
He cringes a little and says, “Yes.” He pauses. “She’s an ex.”
Heat is starting to creep up my body. “Did you cheat on me Dex?” I ask surprisingly calm given how I was feeling. My emotions and thoughts start to go haywire.
“Absolutely not, Morgan,” he says quickly.
Ok, there it was. He said he didn’t cheat on me. Do I believe him?
“God, Morgan. Why would I cheat on you? I already dated her and broke up with her once. I wouldn’t do it again.” He looks appalled that I would ask such a thing.
Now I’m pissed. “Well, excuse me. A freaking photo of some chick kissing my boyfriend shows up on Facebook while he is out doing God-knows-what in another state, and I can’t question him about it?” The pitch of my voice starts to rise.
“Doing God-knows-what? You knew exactly what I was doing, Morgan. I was there for a tournament. What do you think I do when I travel? Go and party the whole time?” Now he’s getting mad.
“Actually, I don’t know what you do because I’m here when you’re there! I’m not your keeper. I don’t know what you do in your downtime,” I say snottily.
“Seriously. Morgan, you need to get over the traveling thing. I have to travel. It’s non-negotiable. I know you have a fear of being left behind, but come on. I have to travel, and if you aren’t going to go with me, then you need to deal with it.”
“I do not have a fear of being left behind, Dex, and I can’t travel with you. For one,” I hold up a finger, “I have a real job. And two,” I hold up another, “I’d be bored out of my freaking mind.” I shout this at him. I know I’m being mean, but I don’t care. He is too.
His eyes go hard and cold when he says, “So now I find out that my girlfriend doesn’t consider my job a real job. Nice, Morgan. Really nice. You could have mentioned this before I took you to meet my parents.”
I flinch at this. I don’t really think his job isn’t real, I’m just really pissed at him right now. Drawing in a slow and steady breath, I say, “Dex. I don’t think this is working.”
“What isn’t working, Morgan?”
“Us. You and me.”
He clenches his jaw and stares at me with something unreadable in his eyes.
The way he looks at me makes me nervous so I quickly add, “We moved way too fast. I wasn’t ready for this kind of relationship, and I can’t handle your schedule. I’m sorry, but I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Tears form in my eyes while I say the last part. I don’t want this to be the last time I see him, but I can’t keep going in this direction.
Hurt flashes in his eyes before it’s replaced with anger. “Fine, Morgan. You’ve obviously thought about this. I can see now that the night was going to end this way, whether or not I told you the truth about Kelsey. Glad to see honesty is so important to you.” He spits out the last sentence as he walks to the door.
Tears stream down my face in silence. I’m letting him walk away.
I have to let him walk away.
“This is bullshit Morgan, and you know it,” he says bitterly.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. It’s part statement, but more of a plea.
He shoves a hand through his hair then opens the door. He looks at me one last time with slumped shoulders and dull eyes and says, “Yeah. Me too.” He steps out of the apartment and closes the door behind him.
The tears become less silent after that.