“Lucas? Oh my gosh, are you okay? Where are you? What are you doing? Do you know it’s Lilly’s twenty week scan tomorrow?” Mum practically shouts down the phone at me

“Mum, calm down. I’m fine. I’ve just been working and trying to get my head straight. And yes, I’m aware of the scan tomorrow.”

“You’ve been getting your head straight?” she fumes. My mum hardly ever gets angry, but I can feel her practically vibrating with fury down the phone. “Well, I hope you’ve had some great epiphany because while you’ve been off doing that, Lilly has been here wondering what the hell she did wrong and having to deal with everything alone. Do you have any idea how scared and confused she is?”

“Yes, actually, I do.”

“You left her, Lucas. She came looking for you and you had just gone. Disappeared into thin air. Did you not think to warn her? To tell her you needed some time? She’d have understood, Lucas.”

“I—” I go to say more, but clearly, she hasn’t finished.

“She’s been a mess, Lucas. She’s needed you and none of us could find you. You could have been dead in a ditch somewhere for all we knew. You’ve got two babies on the way, you cannot be that selfish any more, Lucas Dalton.”

Whoa, my full name…she means business.

“I know, Mum. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me. There’s only one person you should be apologising to.”

“Yes, I know. I will.”

“You had better have something big up your sleeve, my boy, because nothing short of one seriously grand gesture to show her what she means to you is going to get her back. You might be my son but I won’t defend you after the way you’ve behaved.”

Ouch, that hurt. I thought my mum of all people would understand my need to escape. Obviously not.

“I’ve been working on something for her,” I admit.

“Good.”

I barely get a chance to put the phone down before it’s ringing again. My heart jumps into my throat but I reason with myself that Mum couldn’t have told Lilly I was in contact that quickly. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Joe’s name on my screen.

“What the fuck is going on, Dalton? You fall of the face of the earth for weeks on end and then when I look at your accounts they’re all but empty.” That’s the greeting I get from my friend and accountant. I shouldn’t be surprised really, after the amount of money I’ve spent in the last few weeks. I probably should have warned him.

“I made an investment.”

“You don’t fucking say. I hope it was a wise one.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, picturing what I’ve been working on. I hope it’s worth it too. “Lilly’s pregnant,” I admit. Joe is the first person I’ve said it aloud to, and it feels fucking weird.

“No shit, man. That’s awesome.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, I think a sprog is just what you need.”

“Two.”

“What?”

“She’s having twins.”

“Fuck me.”

“Nah, you’re alright.”

Once Joe’s shock wears off and I manage to convince him I haven’t totally lost my mind, I turn the light out and attempt to get some sleep. That’s wishful thinking though, with the prospect of seeing Lilly and our babies at tomorrow’s scan. If she allows me to attend.

I know running away wasn’t the most mature thing to do but images of my childhood were on repeat in my brain from the second the doctor announced Lilly was pregnant. I always feel like I’m one mistake away from turning into my mother. I’m further from it since I moved away from London but I know I have the same addictive personality as her, and my fear of becoming like her made me run.

Lilly and the babies would be much better off without me if there was even a chance of me being a parent like that.

As the weeks without her have gone on though, I soon realised that being with them wasn’t the scariest part—being without them was worse. So much fucking worse.

I realised I couldn’t just turn up on her doorstep with a bunch of flowers and say I’m sorry. That wasn’t going to cut it. So I got on the internet and found something I hope she is going to love. I’ve worked my arse off to make it a reality for her, but now it’s pretty much ready I’m petrified I’ve made a mistake, that she’s going to want nothing to do with me after the way I’ve treated her, let alone what I’ve done.

* * *

“I’m here for Lilly Morrison’s appointment,” I say to the lady at the reception desk. She looks at me and then behind me—I guess for Lilly—but when she doesn’t see anyone she looks back, waiting for me to explain. “We’re arriving separately; she’ll be here shortly.” I don’t add that she might cause me physical harm for turning up like this. It took some serious convincing to even get someone to tell me what time this appointment was, but I soon realised after leaving her building that day that I wasn’t missing it for anything. All I have is the memory of those white shapes on that original scan. I need to see more to help convince me that this is really happening and to tell myself that everything I’ve done isn’t for nothing.

I sit myself in the back corner. I want to see Lilly before she sees me. I sit there for ages, but that’s my own fault for being so early.

Eventually, I hear familiar soft footsteps behind me. I brace myself for her to round the corner and when she does, my breath catches in my throat. She looks beautiful. Her long blonde hair is hanging down her back and she has on a light summer dress. Everything in me craves her. I wrap my fingers around the edges of the chair to keep me in place.

I watch as she goes to the desk to check herself in before turning around. She takes two steps towards the seating area before she sees me. Her whole body stills and her mouth drops open. I make the most of her shocked state to run my eyes down the front of her body, over the bump of her belly. I get this weird feeling come over me as I think about my babies growing in there.

Lilly is pulled from her shock when a woman, who I can only presume is her mother because she is just an older version of Lilly, crashes into the back of her. The woman follows Lilly’s gaze and turns to look at me as well. Her features harden as she stares at me. I think her anger may rival my mother’s, by the look of it.

Lilly’s mother just goes to step forward when the door opens next to me and a young woman steps out. “Lilly Morrison?” she asks.

Lilly pulls her eyes away from me and heads towards the woman at the same time I stand from my chair. The sonographer can obviously tell something is going on, because she looks between the three of us before asking Lilly if everything is okay.

Lilly doesn’t say anything; she just nods her head.

“Can he attend?” she asks, looking back at me.

“Well, they are his,” Lilly snaps as she walks through the door, turning her back on me. I can’t lie; her harshness stings a little.

I stand by the door awkwardly as Lilly goes through the same process as last time. She slips her leggings down her hips a little and lifts her loose dress to reveal her swollen belly. My eyes are locked on to her rounded skin. She looks perfect and the fact my babies are growing under there has me frozen to the spot.

“Do you need to sit?” someone says, and it takes a few minutes to realise that it’s Lilly’s mother with her hand on my arm, gesturing towards the chair.

I nod and do as she suggests because I’m not feeling very stable right now.

I watch from the sidelines as Lilly lies on the bed, holding her mother’s hand. The sonographer soon has an image up on screen, and I’m even more enthralled by that image than I am with Lilly’s swollen belly.

My babies.

She seems to be there ages, moving the wand thing around and getting different angles. Eventually though, she looks up to Lilly and asks, “Would you like to know their sex?”

I look back at Lilly and watch as she bites down on her bottom lip in thought. After a few seconds, her eyes find mine. Her excitement and happiness is infectious and for the first time, it’s not just dread I feel about this situation.

“I’m happy either way, as long as they’re both healthy,” I say, my voice full of emotion and barely recognisable to my own ears.

Lilly looks to her mum who smiles at her and says, “It’s your call, angel.”

“I want to know.”

“Okay, well it looks to me like you’ve got one of each. This one on the left of the screen is a girl, and the one on the right is a boy.”

I stare at the screen for the longest time, looking at my almost ready-made family of four, trying to allow it to sink in. In a matter of weeks, really, I’m going to be a dad to not just one kid, but two. I’m going to have a son and a daughter.

Sniffling to my right eventually makes me rip my eyes away from the screen. Lilly has tears streaming down her face but she also has the biggest smile I think I’ve ever seen.

Without thinking, I get up and walk over to her. In seconds, I have my hand on her belly and my lips against hers.

I expect her to push me away but to my surprise she relaxes under my touch and her lips soften against mine—until someone else in the room clears their throat to distract us.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I pull back. I know that isn’t enough to cover what I’ve done, but it’s all I’ve got right now.

I continue looking down at Lilly as I stand to full height once again, and I see the tension and anger descend like I was expecting when I went to kiss her.

“One kiss changes nothing, Lucas.” I nod because there is nothing I can say right now to try to make any of this better.

I sit back down and allow the sonographer to finish what she’s got to do. I listen to everything Lilly says in the hope it will give me some insight into what I’ve missed so far with this pregnancy.

“Well…thanks for coming. It’s nice to know you care about these two,” Lilly says sadly when we’re back in the waiting room.

“Of course I care, Lilly. That has never been in question. It’s—”

“Stop,” she interrupts. “I’m not interested. If it was that important, you would have found a way to tell me before now. Here,” she snaps as she hands me one of the scan photos she just had printed. “I’ll see you around—maybe at the birth, if you can be bothered.”

“Lilly, please,” I start to beg as she and her mother turn to walk away.

“No, Lucas. You made your bed when you walked away. Now you’ve got to lie in it. It’s been eight weeks. I’ve moved on and have more important things to worry about,” she says, placing a protective hand on her belly.

I keep my mouth shut this time and watch her walk out. The pain in my chest is well deserved after doing the same to her. I freaked out. I know I should have manned up and followed her into her flat, explained properly about my childhood, about my birth mother and how scared I am to turn into that kind of parent. But I didn’t. I took the easy route and I ran. It wasn’t very long before I regretted that decision, but I didn’t know how to rectify it.

There is only one place to go after the hospital appointment, and that is to my parents’ house to face my mother’s wrath.

Her anger at me lessens somewhat when I flash the scan picture in front of her but it only lasts so long.

“What the hell are you going to do, Lucas? Your babies need you. Lilly needs you. I can’t imagine bringing up twins singlehandedly.”

“I have a plan.”

“You have a plan that will make her forget what a selfish bastard you’ve been? That must be one hell of a plan, Luc.”

I pull up the photo on my phone and hand it over to her.

“What have you done?”

“It’s for her?”

“Why?”

“Because it’s important to her.”

“But it’s miles away, Lucas. Why on earth?” Mum doesn’t finish her sentence as she starts swiping through the photos. “I hope you’re right and this works,” is all she says before handing my phone back.

I’m not sure what I was expecting her reaction to be, but what she said didn’t fill me with hope. Maybe I’d gone about this all wrong and I’ve made a massive mistake.

I jump out of the car and jog across the car park outside Lilly’s building. I’m like a drowned rat by the time I get there, which just about matches my attitude.

I hold my finger down on the button for the longest time. I can only presume Taylor has already left for London, and I have no idea if Lilly would have had to find another flat mate. I fucking well hope not. The thought of Lilly living with someone else gets my temper flaring. I slam my palm down on the wall next to the buzzers.

“FUCK,” I shout out into the grey and wet day.

“So you decided to show your face at last,” a soft female voice says from behind me.

When I turn, I see an elderly lady with a crutch and a bag of shopping. “Uh…”

“Well, I have to say I didn’t think I’d ever see the day. I thought Lilly was stupid, holding on to hope that you would reappear when you saw fit. She’d be a fool to take you back though.”

“Okay. Who are you?” I ask. Lilly never mentioned a grandmother, but there’s a lot we didn’t get a chance to talk about.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I know who you are and what you’ve done to my lovely Lilly.” The lady goes to pass me and opens the door. “And don’t even try to sneak in after me. She’s not here. She’s at yoga with her sister at the sports centre,” she calls over her shoulder before the door closes behind her. She obviously isn’t that against me if she’s telling me where Lilly is, I think as I make the dash back towards my car.

I press my foot down and take off for the sports centre, hoping I’ll get a better reception from Lilly than I did this morning. I know it’s wishful thinking. After the way I’ve behaved, I couldn’t blame her if she never wants to talk to me again.

“He was just sat there waiting for you?” Emma whispers over from her mat a foot or so over from mine.

“Yeah.”

“I can’t believe you let him into the scan with you.”

“He’s their dad, Em. No matter how he behaves, he is and always will be their dad.”

“I guess.”

“Ladies at the back, either take this seriously or take your gossiping elsewhere,” the instructor says, looking less than amused.

We both mutter our apologies and go back to what where meant to be doing.

“I still can’t believe the cheek of him. No contact for two months and then there he is? How did he even find out about the appointment anyway?” Emma continues ranting when we leave the hall.

“I presume his mum. Lucas tends to get whatever it is he wants, so I shouldn’t have been sur—” my sentence is halted when I catch sight of the suit-clad figure waiting in reception who is turning every woman’s head as they walk past. “No way.”

“What?” Emma asks, looking over at me. I nod my head in his direction. “Holy shit, is that him?”

“Yes. Why the hell is he here?”

“Looks like he’s back with vengeance, Lills. And he wants you.” I don’t miss the way Lucas’ eyes run over my Lycra-clad body either. “Christ, he looks like he could melt those clothes off your body right here with that look. Good luck,” Emma says with a laugh. I think she’s right, but I’m going to need more than luck to keep some much distance from him.

“Lucas, what are you doing here?”

I watch as he looks between Emma and me, then at our matching bellies. I don’t miss how his eyes darken when he looks at me though.

“Is it safe for you to be doing that?” he asks, gesturing to the direction we’ve just come from.

I stick my hands on my hips and stare at him, hoping that I look as irritated by him as I feel. Emma doesn’t seem to notice, as she answers for me. “Yes, it’s pregnancy yoga. It’s designed for pregnant women.”

I watch as Lucas takes on that bit of information before nodding and stating that we need to talk.

“I agree, but now’s not a good time.”

“Well, when is?”

“I don’t know, Lucas. When I don’t feel like trying to kill you with whatever weapon I can find. It’s been two months. Two. I’ve just about got my life somewhat sorted and now here you are. Well, you don’t get to call all the shots. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready, but that’s not now. Let’s go,” I add, looking at Emma.

“Don’t you think you should—”

“Emma, don’t,” I warn, knowing exactly where she’s going. She holds her hands up in defeat and begins walking towards the car park.

“Lilly, please. I’m not above begging,” Lucas says quietly.

“Good to know,” I say, before striding off after Emma.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” I admit, before bursting into tears in Emma’s car.

“I’m proud of you, Lills.”

“I told myself over and over again I wouldn’t cave to him when—if—I ever saw him again, but I didn’t think I would be strong enough.”

Emma reaches over and takes my hand in hers for support as I continue to splutter and sob very unattractively.

“He doesn’t look like the kind of man who takes being told no easily,” Emma says eventually.

“He’s not. I’m not stupid enough to think that’s the last I’m going to see of him.”

After Emma drops me off, I head up to my flat to have a quick shower. It’s weird being here alone now. Although towards the end Taylor wasn’t around much, it’s still strange knowing he isn’t going to appear at some point.

I pull on some comfortable clothes and don’t bother doing anything with my hair before heading upstairs to sort Shelia out. Since the day I helped her settle back in, I’ve been helping her out with her chores. She’s so grateful for the help, she’s insisted on paying me. I refused to accept it for a long time, but I had to cave in the end, and if I’m honest the money is a great help now I’m pregnant and unemployed. I’ve picked up some shifts in Mum’s coffee shop, so that, along with the little bit that Shelia gives me, is keeping me going at the moment.

I’ve only made one purchase with the money Lucas stashed in my account, and I’m determined not to spend any more, but I couldn’t resist buying myself a more comfortable bed. I put up with aching hips for a week before I headed to the bed shop for an upgrade. So far, it’s the best purchase I’ve ever made.

I’m not in Shelia’s flat five minutes before I discover how Lucas found me at my yoga class. Shelia is angry with him after everything I’ve told her, but I still feel like she might have a sweet spot for him, even though she’s only met him briefly. She spends the rest of my visit telling me I need to hear him out, that holding off will only make everything harder.

I know she’s right. I’d like to have everything sorted out between us before these two appear. I’m just not sure I want to hear it. There have been weeks where it was all I wanted—to open the front door and find him stood there. But I’ve grown since then. I’ve realised that I don’t need him, that I can do this alone. I don’t want to, but I know I can.

* * *

It seems being able to ignore Lucas now he has reappeared is going to be impossible. I look around my living room at all the deliveries I’ve received throughout this week and sigh. It’s covered with bunches of all colours of lilies, boxes of chocolates, and some mummy-to-be sets.

I decide I’ve put it off long enough and unlock my phone. I find his name and stare at it for a few seconds as I try to decide if this is the right thing to do or not.

“Lilly,” he says, sounding relieved.

“You can’t buy me back, Lucas,” I snap, a little harsher than I intended. I didn’t ring for a fight.

“I know that. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you. That I never stopped, Lilly.”

“It would have saved you a lot of brain power if you’d just stuck around.” I hear his sharp intake of breath at my words. It makes me want to apologise for being short with him, but I stand my ground. He’s in the wrong here.

“Please can we talk? I could come over,” he asks, hope in his voice. This was what I was afraid of—that I would reach out and suddenly he would think everything was okay.

“NO,” I shout in panic

“No?”

“Don’t come here.” I don’t trust myself. I’m already struggling with my pregnancy-heightened sex drive; I really don’t need to be alone in the same room as him. I’ll end up climbing him or something embarrassing. “I’ll meet you in the coffee shop around the corner.”

“What I need to tell you isn’t something I want to discuss in public, Lilly.”

“Well, that’s all I’m offering. Take it or leave it.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you there in thirty minutes.”

I was hoping for a little more time to prepare but I mutter my agreement and head back to my bedroom to get ready.

I’m just walking through the main door to my building when my phone starts ringing. Hope flares that it might me Lucas cancelling and I won’t have to do this, but the second I pull my phone out and see Nicole’s name, I hate to say I’m a little disappointed, although I’m kind of relieved I now have a reason to be late.

I sit down on the bench overlooking the grounds and put my phone to my ear.

“Lilly, I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you last night. I had a bit of a crazy day with mum.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry.”

“Everything’s okay with the babies then, I’m guessing, looking at the scan picture.”

“Yes ,they’re perfect. Lucas showed up.”

“NO!”

“Yep, just sat there in the waiting room. I couldn’t believe it.”

“Fucking dick,” Nic mutters under her breath. “What did you do?”

“What could I do? We were in a hospital, and he is the dad, after all.”

“You let him in?”

“Of course. I can put aside how he’s treated me for the benefit of our babies.”

“Well, that’s big of you, Lills. I’m not sure I could have done the same thing. Do you think you’ll see him again?”

“I’m actually on my way to meet him now. You’re currently making me suitably late. I’m quite happy for him to sit there, sweating about whether I’m going to turn up or not.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t told him where to stick it.” I think if any one of my friends were in my current situation, I would be saying exactly the same things, but it’s different when it’s actually happening to you. They don’t know Lucas like I do. I know he’s not a horrible person. I’m pretty sure that whatever made him run off was to do with the skeletons in his closet about his own childhood. It will be different if I discover I’m wrong, and it’s because he thinks I got myself pregnant on purpose to trap him or something. I try not to let thoughts like that enter my head, because I’m pretty sure he knows me better than that as well, and that he believed me when I told him I didn’t think falling pregnant was a possibility.

“I think there’s more to it. He has a reason.”

“No reason is good enough to do what he did, Lilly. He abandoned you.”

“I know,” I whisper as the hurt I’ve been dealing with the last few weeks creeps its way back in. “How’re things with you?” I ask, changing the subject. I’m already in for an afternoon discussing the situation with Lucas; I could do without it now.

“Same. She’s still declining, just slowly. It feels like it’s never-ending.” I hate hearing her sound so defeated, and I hate even more that me wishing for it to get better means I’m wishing for her mum to pass away.

We chat for a while longer before I decide I’ve probably made him wait long enough. We say our goodbyes and I hang up. She won’t tell me what she plans to do when her mum’s gone. I have no idea if she’s planning on staying up there or even moving to the other side of the world. She won’t commit to anything. I totally understand why, but I’d love to know she’s possibly considering a move back down here. We may not be family by blood, but she’s my sister in every other way, and I know my parents love her. Dec not so much, but he’s not here anyway.

Thinking about my brother makes my heart a little heavy. I really miss him at the moment. I mean, I always miss him, but since finding out I’m pregnant it’s even worse. We’ve gone through everything in life together, and I hate not having him here for this. It’s made me think more seriously about whether to make the move down there with him, but the thought of leaving the support of my parents when I’m going to have two babies puts me off somewhat.

I let out a sigh and try to put thoughts of my future aside as I slide my phone back into my bag. Mum and Dad have offered for me to go back home so they can help, and they’ve also said I can stay in the flat rent-free, but I have no idea what I want. Ideally, I want to be with Lucas, but I have no idea if that’s going to be an option.

“I thought you’d changed your mind,” Lucas says when I step up to the table he’s sat at. I stood at the window of the coffee shop watching him for a few minutes before entering. He looked totally lost, sat there staring into space. It’s not a look I’m used to seeing on him. He usually looks so in control of everything.

The second he registered me walking through the door, his expression completely changed. Gone was the sad and lost look, and in its place was relief. A lot of relief.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” I say, but don’t really think about the words.

“I’m so sorry, Lilly,” Lucas says, and it makes me realise that he thought I was going to abandon him like he did me. “I got you a tea, but it’s probably cold now.” I look to the table where there’s a pot of tea, a teacup and saucer, along with a blueberry muffin.

“That’s okay. I need decaf anyway. I’ll get another one,” I say, going to move towards the counter.

“It is decaf, Lilly,” he says sadly, making me stop in my tracks and turn around. He must see the question in my eyes because he quietly says, “I’ve looked everything up. I know what you should and shouldn’t have.”

My heart melts. He may have been God knows where these last few weeks, but he’s read up on pregnancy.

“Sit down, I’ll get you a fresh pot.”

I do as I’m told and plonk my arse in the chair he pulls out for me, and watch as he walks off to get me a new tea. My heart flutters as I think about Lucas sat reading pregnancy magazines just like I have. I wonder if he’s looked at baby stuff as well. The thoughts get my hopes up that maybe he does want this and that he’s willing to deal with whatever it was that caused him to bolt.

“Here you go,” he says as he places the new pot in front of me and sits down.

We stare at each other across the table, both taking each other in. Remembering each other’s features.

He looks the same as I remember, only more stressed and tired than I’ve ever seen him before.

I open my mouth to say something to break the awkward silence that’s descended over us, but he beats me to it.

“You look beautiful, Lilly. I always thought it was bullshit when I heard people describe pregnant women as glowing, but you really are. Pregnancy suits you.”

“Thank you,” I mutter.

“I mean it.”

“I know.”

Another silence falls upon us. It was never this awkward between us before. It was one of the things I loved about spending time with him. I was always comfortable in his company—even at the beginning, when I thought he was a pretentious prick.

“I’m so sorry, Lilly. I never meant to hurt you. I just…I panicked and freaked out. There is no good enough excuse for what I did. It’s just…my mother was…” he looks around to see if anyone is paying us any attention. They’re not, of course, but he still pauses, which makes me think he really is uncomfortable discussing this in public.

“It’s okay, you can tell me the details another time,” I say.

“That’s why I suggested your place.”

“I can’t have you there yet. I don’t trust—” I stop myself before he gets the wrong, or right, idea. It’s too late though, because I see his eyes light up.

“I read about that too,” he admits with a sudden sparkle in his eye.

“You left, Lucas. I was waiting for you to come up and you just disappeared. How do you think that felt? I’d just received the most shocking news of my life and the one person I needed upped and left,” I say, reminding him of why we’re here. My libido might be raging with hormones, but I will not allow him to think everything is okay. “I had no idea if you were mad because of me, whether you thought I’d done it on purpose or if you just didn’t want anything to do with them and were too weak to tell me to my face. I was a mess, Luc, and you just left me.” I don’t mean to lay it all out there like that, and the look on his face makes me feel awful for bringing it all up in one go, but I was annoyed by his earlier hope that I’d allow him to pick up where we left off. “You left me, and everyone else had to pick up the pieces.”

He scoots his chair closer to me when he sees me start to get upset, but he doesn’t reach out to touch me. “Lilly, I’m so sorry. Trust me, it wasn’t anything to do with you or these,” he admits as he tentatively reaches out a hand and places it on my belly. He looks up to my eyes and he relaxes when he realises I’m okay with his hand there. “It was me, my fears for what kind of father I might be. I’m so scared I’ll turn into her. I freaked out. I should have talked to you, I know, but the thought of telling you all that ugliness when you should have been happy…I just couldn’t do it.”

“And you thought leaving would hurt me less than you telling me all that?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was just thinking of the damage I could do to them,” he says, rubbing my belly gently. “To you.”

“You can’t hurt me more by being here, Lucas. We need you.”

Hope flares in his eyes and his lips quirk up at the corners in the beginnings of a smile. I feel the same hope begin to bubble up in my belly. Maybe this is all going to be okay and I’m not going to have to choose between living as a single mum in my flat or with my parents. Maybe my babies will have two parents who are together. That’s still a few too many maybes for my liking, but it’s better than an hour ago.