You’re not trying hard enough
Millie smiled down at her notes as she listened to what could only be Pav’s arrival at the meeting. She knew it was him without having to look up. He was without exception the loudest, most extrovert person in any room. Even his footsteps seemed louder than the average person. She could usually hear him approaching her office a good five minutes before he actually reached her door.
When he burst through the double doors of the meeting room greetings were called, jokes exchanged, backs slapped; he lit up the space with his smile, his laughter, his energy. As a lifelong, confirmed introvert with a history of slipping into rooms unnoticed and doing the least possible to draw attention to herself, Millie still found Pav’s ability to sail through life without any awkwardness slightly intimidating, but also incredibly magnetic. He was five minutes late but that didn’t faze him, and he certainly didn’t let it inhibit him.
In the month since they’d finally slept together he’d been like a tornado sweeping through her life. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. They spent the majority of nights together now and he was steadily working his way under her defences with a lethal combination of affection, charm and sex … lots and lots of sex. Millie had not realised what she’d been missing out on all these years but she was certainly making up for lost time now.
‘Right, team,’ he said, pulling a chair from the wall and squeezing it between Millie and Jamie once he’d given Jamie a shove to the side (nearly knocking him off his chair) and Jamie had punched him in the arm. ‘I’m pumped for the morbid stuff – lets get it on.’
‘Glad you decided to join us, Mr Martakis,’ said Mr Crawley, the head of the urology department. ‘Your excitement for the quarterly morbidity and mortality meeting is commendable. Let’s hope your figures hold up to scrutiny shall we?’
Pav grinned. ‘You betcha, Bossman.’ Mr Crawley sighed the sigh of a man who had tolerated Pavlos for the last ten years.
He had not been Pav’s ‘Bossman’ for at least two of those years, but before Pav had been appointed as a consultant at St George’s he had trained under him. Mr Crawley liked to act as though Pav was the bane of his existence, but was, like most people Pav interacted with, quite obviously charmed by him. This was evidenced by the fact he had appointed Pav as a consultant after his training had finished, and that the corners of his mouth were twitching even as he rolled his eyes at Pav’s antics.
‘If we start with the interventional radiology and the ureteric stenting. Do we have someone to present?’
Millie looked down at her hands and breathed out a slow sigh of relief. She had written up the figures and pulled the presentation together, then given it all to one of the other registrars. There was no way she was presenting anything to the meeting. As the registrar started going through the slides Pav touched her forearm and leaned down to whisper in her ear.
‘Hey, I watched you write that up. Why are you letting Dullard up there take all the credit?’
She breathed in deeply and shivered, happy to be surrounded by his scent and to feel his breath on her cheek. Just being close to him eased the anxiety she always felt at meetings like this, but there was no way she was going to speak, even in a whisper. Instead she wrote on her paper in front of her: You know why.
Pav frowned and his mouth tightened but he gave a short nod.
It had been a while since he’d brought up the conference. She knew he still wanted her to go and speak, but even after all the confidence-building stuff she’d done with the girls and the extra CBT she was having with Anwar, after seeing her at the Grand Round and the palaver it caused, Pav had to understand that was impossible.
Another hour later, after going through all the complications from any urology procedure over the last three months, the meeting was over. Millie attempted to make her standard rapid, low-profile exit but Marcus, the radiology registrar who had given her presentation, blocked her way to the door.
‘Thanks, Millie,’ he said, a wide smile lighting his face. ‘A couple of us are off down the pub after work. I could buy you a drink tonight if you were keen? It’s the least I could do in the circumstances.’
Ever since Millie’s collapse and subsequent rehabilitation this had been happening with alarming frequency. Men had been approaching her, talking to her, asking her out. After years of zero male interest it was more than a little confusing. She wasn’t sure if it was the humanising effect of the collapse that did it, or the fact she was maybe starting to act a little more normal. To her horror Pav caught hold of her hand.
‘Sorry, mate, we’ve got plans tonight,’ he said, his naturally louder-than-average voice carrying over the sounds of people leaving. ‘I could bring Millie along to the pub on the way though, if it’s a radiology social?’
The challenge in Pav’s voice was hard to miss and his chest had visibly puffed up as he faced the other man.
‘Well, it’s not exactly a social … just, like, a couple of us. You know.’ Marcus trailed off and shifted uncomfortably in front of them.
‘Oh yeah?’ Pav asked, his eyebrows rising and his tone full of fake curiousity. ‘I know a good few peeps down in x-ray. Who’s up for it?’
‘Well … uh …’ Marcus scowled at Pav and took a small step back before he looked at Millie again. ‘Maybe another time then,’ he mumbled.
‘Yeah, yeah, maybe,’ Pav said. ‘So, Mils, what time shall I pick you up tonight?’
Millie saw multiple heads had turned in their direction and felt heat burn in her cheeks. There was no way her voice was going to function with this many eyes on her. Pav frowned and cocked his head to the side in obvious confusion, moving right into her personal space, which drew even more attention from the room.
Jamie came to her rescue. He drew up next to them and shielded her from the majority of the curious eyes watching her.
‘Pav, you’re embarrassing Millie,’ he whispered. ‘Let’s go.’
‘What?’ Pav looked around as if noticing the other people in the room for the first time. Then he grinned and proceeded to practically drag Millie from the room. He held her hand all the way back to her office and, once there, gave her a kiss on the cheek, right in front of Don.
‘You’re going to have to get used to public displays of affection I’m afraid,’ he told her, still grinning. ‘I’m a PDA type of guy.’
He was like a whirlwind. His energy seemed too big to be contained within the walls of her small workspace. His grin died a little as he realised she had yet to speak. ‘Hey,’ he said, more softly now. ‘Mils? You okay?’
‘Maybe you should slow down a little, young man,’ Don said, his kind eyes taking in Millie’s flushed face. ‘Let her get used to all this.’
‘I …’ Millie took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly, resisting the urge to pinch her forearm. ‘It’s fine.’ She straightened her spine. If she was going to be with someone like Pav she was going to have to be a little braver. And she wanted to be with him so desperately. If there was any motivation to help her change it was this man and the prospect of losing him. She would just have to toughen up. She forced a smile. ‘I’m fine.’
Pav’s grin died a little more at the sight of her forced smile.
‘I know I’m a pushy bastard sometimes,’ he said, his voice now soft. ‘I’ll tone it down, all right?’
Millie shook her head. He shouldn’t have to tone anything down – not for her. ‘I’m fine.’ She widened her eyes at Don, giving a quick shake of her head, and he frowned across at her.
‘Okay,’ Pav said into the silence. ‘So shall I come to yours or pick you up to come over to mine tonight?’
He didn’t ask if she was free. Pav knew that if it wasn’t Friday night bingo or a book group Millie was always free. She bit her lip.
‘Er … I … I can’t see you tonight.’
‘What?’
Millie knew she was boring and predictable but the surprise on Pav’s face was still slightly galling.
‘Are you working?’
Millie hesitated. She hadn’t exactly been avoiding telling Pav about tonight, just hoping he might have had something on himself. Unlike hers, Pav’s free time was stuffed full of all sorts of other things: football and then the pub with the boys (he’d dragged her to watch a tournament last weekend – she’d thought she’d hate it but Libby came with Rosie to keep her company and cheer on Jamie, which meant Kira had been there too; between Kira’s inappropriate cheerleader routine on the sidelines and Rosie’s nonstop five-year-old chatter, it had actually been kind of fun), family meals (he’d tried to drag her along to these but so far she’d refused – the humiliation of the bad impression she must have made on his mother was still too fresh), squash, tennis, urology department nights down the pub … the list went on. But with her luck, of course he would have to be free tonight. And of course he would want an explanation why she wasn’t. Not for the first time Millie wished she could lie convincingly.
‘I’ve got to meet my parents tonight,’ she told him, her eyes dropping to his shirt collar.
‘Oh …’ He paused and then ducked down to catch her eye again. Pav hated being denied eye contact, and over the last month she’d become much better at maintaining it – only breaking into old habits when she felt under pressure or uncomfortable. ‘Well … I could come with you.’
Millie shook her head back and forth rapidly and started stepping away from him, but he caught her hand in his.
‘No, no, no. I mean …’ she said quickly. He was frowning at her with a hurt expression. She bit her lip thinking of all the times he’d wanted her to get to know his family compared to how she was shutting him out of hers. But he didn’t understand. How could he, with his large, loving family – all expressed emotion and unchecked affection; how could he possibly ever understand?
‘Trust me. I’m doing you a favour. My parents are …’
His other hand reached up and closed over hers, pulling it out from under her sleeve. She’d started pinching the skin of her wrist without even registering what she was doing. Pav had attacked her wristband with his kitchen scissors last week after she’d nearly drawn blood from snapping it during an appraisal at work.
‘Hey, hey, hey,’ he said gently, both of his hands now holding hers. ‘Don’t get yourself worked up, okay? If you don’t want me to meet your parents yet, that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
Millie looked up at him. His eyes were earnest but there was still a hint of hurt in their depths. In relief she let out a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. At least she thought it was relief. For some reason there was some disappointment mingled in there too. She instinctively knew that Pav meeting her mother and father would be a disaster, but the urge to have him there was surprisingly strong. When she was with him she didn’t feel like the little girl who was a perpetual disappointment. She didn’t feel like she wasn’t enough. She felt … well, not exactly brave but braver.
But she’d dealt with her parents alone her entire life. One more night wasn’t going to make any difference.
*****
Pav pushed open the office door and was surprised to see just Don sitting in front of his computer, frowning down at the keyboard. He’d decided to try and talk Millie into letting him come tonight after all, and she never usually left before five.
‘Well, don’t just stand there,’ Don snapped once he registered Pav’s presence. ‘Come and sort this damn machine out from me. Bloody thing won’t let me in.’
‘Er …’ Pav’s eyes flicked over to Millie’s empty chair. ‘Well, you kind of need your passwords.’
Don grunted in annoyance.
‘Millie deals with all of this nonsense,’ he mumbled. ‘Bugger, I’ll have to leave the rest till Monday.’ Pav had long since realised that without Millie, Don would not have been able to carry on working. The two of them had a perfect symbiotic relationship – Don’s affability and charm with Millie’s know-how and work ethic. ‘Blast. Thought I could be useful for once.’
‘Where is Millie?’
‘Oh, she had to go home on time tonight. On pins and needles all afternoon about “getting ready”. She headed off at four to the hairdresser’s.’
‘I thought she was just meeting her parents?’ Pav asked, frowning in confusion. His mama was lucky if he shaved before he came home to see them. Don turned around in his chair to face Pav and gave him a shrewd look.
‘She hasn’t talked to you about her parents much, has she?’
‘Er … what makes you say that?’ Pav said, sending his own shrewd look Don’s way.
‘Because if you knew anything about that girl’s parents you would never say she was just going to meet them. Do you know who her father is?’
Pav crossed his arms over his chest and he frowned. ‘How about you stop speaking in riddles, Don?’
Don huffed and rolled his eyes. ‘You’re not trying hard enough.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that you, my boy, need to ask more questions. Do you know how long it is since Millie’s seen her parents?’
‘I … well, she doesn’t really talk about her folks. I know Gammy. She’s quite the character. But …’
‘Her grandmother’s a different story altogether. You must have been aware that Millie has parents. Why haven’t you asked her, for God’s sake?’
‘Well, I overheard her on the phone to her mum once. I guess the convo did seem a bit off to me but … I …’ Pav scratched the back of his neck and then glared down at Don. ‘Here’s an idea: why don’t you tell me?’ he asked through gritted teeth.
Don’s criticism was hitting home in an uncomfortable way. Pav shifted on his feet as he thought about how much the conversation tended to revolve around him when he was with Millie. She always asked him about his day, his work, his sport, his family. The problem was that everything he said seemed to absolutely fascinate her; it was hard with that level of ego-stroking not to bang on about yourself.
‘She hasn’t seen her mother or father for at least two years.’
‘What? But … but why? Did they fall out?’
‘No.’
‘I don’t understand.’
Don put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair to look up at the ceiling. ‘Well,’ he said after a ridiculously long pause. ‘Why don’t you take the initiative and find out?’
‘I guess I’ll ask her tomorrow but –’
‘No,’ Don said, his normally soft voice now firm. ‘You find out tonight. Go with her and meet them.’
‘She doesn’t want me to, Don.’
‘Millie may not want you to, but what Millie wants and what she needs are two different things. I can’t believe you’re going to take that lying down either. You’re such a pushy bastard about everything else.’
‘I’m not sure I –’
‘Just go,’ Don snapped. ‘She’s not leaving till eight. You can catch her at home.’
Pav ran his hands through his hair and then put them on his hips. ‘Right, okay, but if she’s furious I’m going to heap the blame on you, old man.’
As Pav turned to leave Don shouted out after him: ‘Put on a suit and shave. You’ll thank me. I promise.’