Almost Senior Year
July
I’m floating. Forget all the emo shit I said in my last entry. I’m floating because I think I was wrong about everything.
If a guy likes you, he’ll just tell you.
But what if he’s also the shy, sensitive type who guards his feelings? Especially after the last girl he opened himself up to broke him into a million pieces. Fucking Meg Constanzo, who dumped him sophomore year with no explanation. I’ve been waiting to be the one to put him back together. I know it’s supposed to be me. If it’s not, then every romantic comedy ever lied to me. I’m the dutiful childhood friend, the one who always gets looked over until one day he opens his eyes and sees, Of course! It’s her!
It just sounds like bullshit, doesn’t it? But that doesn’t mean there’s no truth to it. Because I think it might finally be my turn. I think Andrew Kang finally sees me.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. To start at the beginning: Yesterday the Markhams threw a birthday barbecue for Lauren. Kacey called the other night while I was at Jade’s and asked if we wanted to come and keep her company, since she was scared about meeting the rest of her father’s family. Her family.
“Well, obviously you want to go,” Jade said, looking at me while covering the speaker with her thumb. “McSketch will be there.”
Jade doesn’t like Andrew, and I keep telling her she doesn’t have to hate him just because he doesn’t like me back. She insists that’s not why—she says she doesn’t like him because he’s uppity. Says he thinks he’s too good for Broken Falls, never shows up at parties to make a point about how straightedge and good he is.
I never told her about the pills I see Ashley picking up from Friendly Drugs every month. The ones with Andrew’s name on them. The ones that say Do not mix with alcohol. I looked up what they’re for, and they’re antidepressants.
Anyone else might wonder what a guy like Andrew Kang has to be depressed about; he’s got the perfect family, he’s smart, and he’s a shoo-in for whatever college he wants to go to, so he has a one-way ticket out of Broken Falls. But I think I get it; I see a sort of restlessness in his eyes that I recognize in myself.
I feel it when I see the same customers at Friendly Drugs every day over the summer. I feel it when my mom makes Frito casserole for dinner even though we just had it a couple days ago and I realize God, it’s another Tuesday already.
I feel it every night when I hear my dad laughing until he chokes at his seven p.m. sitcom reruns. He must have seen every episode five times by now, but he still cracks up like he’s never heard the jokes. That’s what this whole town reminds me of sometimes. People who are laughing at a joke that has long passed.
Sometimes I imagine running away with Andrew Kang. I picture him whispering in my ear, Let’s just go, and then we’d get into his car and his fingers would find mine over the cup holder and it would be just the two of us again like it was when we were kids.
Anyway. I shook Jade off my phone and told Kacey we’d definitely be at Lauren’s birthday party.
Mrs. Markham was at the back gate when we arrived, tying a giant pink balloon in the shape of the number 13 to the fence. It was exactly the type of thing I’d find humiliating at thirteen, and I felt a wave of pity for Lauren.
“Girls.” Mrs. Markham finished knotting off the ribbon and beamed at us. “You are too sweet for coming. Let me introduce you to Aunt Jess and Uncle Ken.”
Jade jabbed my ribs with her elbow. “This is a family party,” she hissed in my ear.
I gave her a look like, So? I tugged at the hem of my jean shorts as Ashley turned around. “Lauren has been having some trouble with her friends at school,” she said, her voice low. “I’m just—Kacey is so lucky to have friends like you girls.”
I smiled. “We’re lucky to have her.” I was suddenly aware of the small box in my hand—a ring in the shape of a wave Jade had helped me pick out from the silversmith in Pleasant Plains. I held out the box to Ashley.
“Oh, that was so sweet of you,” Ashley said, taking it. “Let me show you where the gifts are.” When she turned her back again, Jade muttered This is so fucking awkward in my ear.
Ashley led us toward a picnic table covered in a blue cloth with a shimmery piece of netting over it. Next to a pile of gifts was one of those tiered trees of cupcakes. Each had a different sea creature molded out of fondant: starfish, oysters, clown fish, even an octopus with round candy tentacles.
“Those are awesome,” I said. “Where’d you have them made?”
Ashley lit up. “You’ll never believe it, but Kacey made them.”
Jade ran a finger along one of the pearls, perfectly shaped from fondant and dusted with that shimmery edible powder. I smacked her hand away.
“She’s really talented,” Jade said, but I could hear the layer of frost in her voice.
“I know!” Ashley beamed. “Mr. White recommended her for AP art. The board has to approve it, since she doesn’t have the prereqs, but we have our fingers crossed.”
“Fingers crossed,” Jade deadpanned. I wanted to elbow her. I wasn’t in the mood for hearing about how it wasn’t fair that Kacey could just slide into AP art when Jade had to work her ass off for it. If there’s one thing I’ll never get Jade to understand, it’s that things are just easy for some people. They just fall into a Cinderella-fairy-tale ending like Kacey did.
Not that I’m bitter or anything. But I know Jade is; even if she won’t say it, I know she resents that the Markhams and my family have enough money to send Kacey and me to college. Meanwhile, Jade’s dad hasn’t saved a penny for her and has such horrible credit he can’t even cosign a loan for Jade.
“Where are Kacey and Andrew?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” Ashley frowned; something at the gate had caught her attention. More guests—the creepy little girl from down the street, Chloe Strauss, and her parents. “Excuse me a minute,” Ashley said, wandering off.
“Don’t be a bitch,” I whispered to Jade at the exact moment Lauren spotted us from across the yard. She dropped her hands to her sides shyly and made her way over to us. She gave me a huge hug, then turned to Jade. “Thank you for coming.”
“Where’s Kacey?” I asked, at the same time I saw them through the bay window in the kitchen. Andrew was leaned back against the counter, and Kacey was standing next to him, almost intimately. They were talking. In their own private world. My stomach dropped to my toes.
Lauren was babbling. “Aren’t they so cool?”
“Huh?” My eyes snapped back to Lauren.
“The cupcakes,” Jade muttered. We were still standing over the table with the desserts and the gifts. The box in my hand felt pathetic. The ring felt cheap and stupid compared to the cupcakes Kacey had no doubt spent hours making.
“Yeah, they’re awesome.” I knocked my shoulder into Lauren’s. “Happy birthday, girl.”
“Thanks. Wanna find Kacey? She said we could all play volleyball.”
Jade and I followed Lauren around the giant net set up several feet from the fence. The Markhams have always had the nicest backyard of anyone I know—a pool, a koi fountain, and a sprawling deck with a hot tub. Jade snickered once that they’re like the Brady Bunch. I bet they’re secretly fucked up, she’d whispered. I told her all families are fucked up, but at least they get a pool out of it.
Kacey and Andrew barely heard us enter the kitchen from the side door. “Whatcha talking about?” Jade said, a little too loudly.
“Nothing,” Kacey said, putting distance between her and Andrew. “College stuff.”
“Can we play volleyball?” Lauren asked.
“Sure, Monkey.” Kacey flicked the end of Lauren’s ponytail. “We just have to finish up the iced tea.”
“I’ve got it,” Andrew said. His voice was like bells in my stomach. “You guys play. I’ll catch up.”
“Oh! We should do sisters versus practically sisters,” Lauren said.
Jade muttered, Hope you’re ready to get your butt kicked, and Lauren giggled. I hung behind as she, Kacey, and Jade filed out the side door.
I saw my chance then. “I’ve got to use the bathroom,” I said. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
But by the time I’d shut myself in the bathroom next to the kitchen, I’d lost my nerve. I sat on the toilet and inhaled. Hey, Andrew. We never hang out anymore. It was so simple. I would not be a goddamn wimp. We were in diapers together, practically. In preschool, we played army with those little plastic bears meant for learning how to count, back when my mom still worked and shared carpooling with Andrew’s mom.
I flushed the empty toilet and washed my hands. Stepped out into the kitchen, where Andrew was adding a mountain of mix to a glass pitcher of iced tea.
His mouth parted with surprise when he saw me. He smiled. “You caught me. I like it extra sweet.”
I folded my arms across my chest, forcing myself to be cool. “I didn’t mean to be such a creeper.”
“Nah, you weren’t. It’s just weird seeing you in here again.” His smile turned sad. “The last time you were here was my seventh birthday. Remember those teal overalls you used to wear? They were made out of that fuzzy stuff—”
“Corduroy. I can’t believe you remember that.” I tried to hold back the smile blooming on my lips. Be fucking cool.
“I remember everything.”
So do I. “That was the party when your stepdad dressed up as Darth Vader, and we hit the piñata with light sabers.”
Andrew laughed. I hadn’t heard him laugh since sophomore year. Since the whole thing with Meg Constanzo dumping him, he’d been broody. Different. But lately, I caught him smiling again. You made him laugh.
“We used to have so much fun,” he said. “I miss that.”
“I do too.” Sadness mingled with the butterflies in my stomach. I miss it too. But we can still get it back.
Andrew’s eyes twinkled. “Remember how ticklish you were?”
“I still am,” I laughed, and then he came at me from the side and used two fingers to tickle the space above my hip. My heart leapt into my throat. Don’t ever stop touching me.
I squealed and grabbed his fingers. He was laughing, and I was laughing, and God, the look on his face. I’ll be replaying it in my mind forever, like a scene from a favorite movie. I’ll feel his fingers grazing my side like a warm glow in my stomach forever.
Then his mom called to him from the open window, asking where the iced tea was. I followed him outside, our moment interrupted. When Jade asked me why I was wearing a shit-eating grin, I just shook my head and took my position by the volleyball net.
I’m closer than I’ve ever been.
Something is finally going to happen between us. I can feel it.