Senior Year
October
I fucked up. I went too far, and I almost ruined everything. Actually, maybe I did ruin everything. That remains to be seen, because this weekend was a complete and utter shitshow.
Kacey, Jade, and I were supposed to hang out. We hang out every weekend—we’re KaceyAndJadeAndBailey. I have even been willing to forgive the shameless flirting with Andrew on service day. I didn’t text her for an entire day afterward, which made her so pathetically needy. So many texts, demanding answers.
Are you okay?
Did I do something??
After twenty-four hours, I responded back: Of course not. Let’s chill.
Kacey’s like an abused puppy. The more you ignore her, the more she wants you. I find it endearing, because I like being wanted.
But now I know for sure that the bitch can’t be trusted.
It all happened Saturday night. I’d been texting Kacey throughout the day: what are we doing tonight? She never responded, so when I picked Jade up from the taqueria after her shift ended at nine, we called her. She must have hit the fuck you button, because it went right to voice mail. I scrolled through to her house number.
Jade sat up straight as a meerkat. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Getting more information, obviously.”
Lauren picked up on the third ring. I switched to speakerphone and Jade leaned in.
“Hey, babe,” I said. “Where’s your sister?”
“Madison,” Lauren said. “She and Andrew are visiting the school.”
“Oh really. They went alone?” I stared at Jade, as if to say, Told you, bitch.
“Nah, my mom’s with them.”
“Is your dad home?”
“Yeah, he’s sleeping. He worked half a day.”
Gotta love younger kids—they’ll give you all the information in the world if they think you’ll keep talking to them. I pictured Lauren growing up into one of those girls who would hand you their social security number and bank account information if it meant you’d include them in something.
“Then sneak out,” I said. “Chill with me and Jade.”
A hard elbow to my ribs. Jade mouthed, Have you lost your fucking mind?
“Um.” Lauren’s voice was small. “How?”
Hadn’t this child ever watched any sort of teen movie ever? “Just arrange your pillows under your bed like you’re sleeping, close your door, and leave,” I said. “But be quiet about it. We’ll be there in ten minutes.”
I expected her to say no, but instead all she said was “But what are we going to do?”
“We’ll figure something out,” I told her. “That’s the fun part.”
I hung up, and Jade burst into laughter. “We’re not actually hanging out with a fucking eighth grader.”
I looked away so Jade couldn’t read my face. I didn’t want her to sniff out what I was thinking. If we can’t have Kacey, we’ll take the Mini-Markham. “We are. And maybe she’ll actually grow up to be interesting.”
“This is so about Kacey,” Jade said. “You’re trying to fuck with her through Lauren.”
“What do you care?”
Jade smirked. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
That makes two of us. I flipped my lights off as I pulled over on Sparrow Road, behind the Markhams’ house. Lauren slipped out the back door. Her black North Face was zipped up to her chin, and she was wearing leggings stuffed in Uggs.
She was breathless when she climbed into my backseat.
Jade held up her phone. “Tyrell texted me that he’s having people over.”
In the rearview mirror, I saw Lauren’s eyes light up. It was a terrible idea, even though I had seen girls Lauren’s age—Keelie March, Brendan March’s big-titted little sister—at Sully’s parties. I leaned into Jade and hissed: “We’re not bringing her to Tyrell’s. He’ll narc on us to Andrew.”
Lauren frowned, and Jade rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go to Taco Bell.”
“Wait.” An idea wheedled its way into my brain. “Ben’s visiting his friend who goes to Milwaukee,” I said. “I’ll call him and see if anything’s going on.”
“Milwaukee the college?” Lauren squeaked.
Jade stared at me like I was smoking crack. “That’s an hour and a half from here.”
“It’s only nine o’clock. Stop being lame, both of you.”
Where are you, I texted Ben. I’m coming to Milwaukee.
Now?? Jesus, Bay.
Come on. I’m bored.
I could hear my brother sighing. Then the ellipsis popped up in the text box. He was taking a long time with his response.
Party at Billy’s frat later. Kappa Tau house. What are you gonna tell mom?
Sleeping at jade’s, duh.
When we got to Milwaukee, Jade started to bitch that Lauren would never pass for a college freshman. I looked the kid up and down. She’s tall for her age, so I figured if she kept the jacket on no one would notice her flat chest. I got my eyeliner out of my purse and did a little magic.
I looked over at Jade, who was fiddling with her Warby Parker frames. Her allergies have been so bad she hasn’t worn her contacts in weeks.
“Give Lauren your glasses,” I told Jade, who said, “What the fuck?”
“They’ll make her look older.”
“I’d like to be able to see the shitshow that’s about to unfold, thanks.”
“It’s not like you’re blind without them.” I slipped the frames off Jade’s face. “It’s like I gave you beer goggles and you didn’t even have to suck down a Natty.”
“That’s a type of beer, right?” Lauren was adjusting the glasses on her face. Jade just stared at her for a beat, then looked at me. “Your brother is going to shit himself when he sees this.”
I pushed that thought out of my head and locked the car. Most likely, Wonder Brother wouldn’t even recognize little Lauren Markham—he hasn’t seen her in years.
As we climbed the steps to the frat house, I could practically feel Lauren quaking behind me. The guy at the door was a weasel-faced kid with a decent body. Probably a pledge. Badly in need of Proactiv. I was prepared to drop Ben’s name, but the guy just yawned and told us it was five bucks each. I pulled the bills out of my purse while Jade muttered about how the house looked like a crack den.
“Relax.” I shoved her beer cup at her as we fell into line for the keg. “I’ll stay sober and drive. Just please get wasted so I don’t have to hear your bitching.”
I was feeling particularly nasty, probably still roiling at the thought of Kacey and Andrew in Madison together. See, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I’m afraid of acting like a total monster. But Jade actually looked hurt, so I draped an arm over her shoulder as an olive branch.
“I just hope you know what you’re doing,” she muttered, while I nudged Lauren to let the sad sack (another pledge) manning the keg fill her cup.
We had to shoulder our way to the flip cup table and planted ourselves at the end of the line. Lauren looked terrified of the cup in her hand. I put a finger at the base and tipped it toward her mouth. She giggled, foam sticking to her upper lip, some of the beer missing her mouth and sloshing on the floor.
“You’re at a frat party,” I said. “I bet What’shername who’s been giving you shit has never been to a frat party.”
“Keelie March,” Lauren corrected me. “She brought vodka to the cast party for Oklahoma! and they all got drunk.”
That was when I locked eyes with a guy in a Kappa tee. He and his friends descended on us like sharks. Asked if we went to UW.
“Just visiting,” I said. “I think I want to go here next year.”
Frat boy buddy offered me a tour of his freshman dorm. I said maybe I’d take him up on that. Jade rolled her eyes. An overwhelming urge to hit her seized me. Any time I talked about college, she did that. Acted like I was being painfully basic. She just doesn’t get it—that shitty frat house filled with fives and sixes, it may be beneath us, but at the same time it’s not. I’m not beneath playing the game if I can get the fuck out of Broken Falls.
Sometimes I think Jade thinks the only way we’re getting out is by Thelma and Louise–ing it. I wanted to grab her, tell her that movie wasn’t real. This is our alternative to staying in Broken Falls forever.
I didn’t get the chance to pull her aside and ask her what her problem was, because the guy in the Kappa shirt had mentioned that there were people blazing upstairs, and Jade was gone like a dog after a squirrel. Lauren and I waited for our turn at the flip cup table.
“That looks hard,” she said. “I think I should just watch you.”
“You’ve got this,” I told her sweetly. “Your brother is amazing at this game.”
“My brother goes to parties?” Lauren asked. Her face was scrunched up like I’d talked about her parents having sex.
“He used to,” I said. “When we were freshmen.”
“Now he’s such a nerd. Every time we go to Pleasant Plains we have to stop at that game store where those guys play Magic: The Gathering and it’s so embarrassing.”
“Seems like he and Kacey are pretty close,” I pressed.
A spark of something in her eyes. Jealousy, maybe. “We both are. I mean, she’s our sister.”
“She’s your sister. He’s like, not her real brother.” I raised an eyebrow, like I’d just thought of it. “Do they hang out alone a lot?”
Lauren craned her neck to get a look at the flip cup table. Only half listening to me. “I mean, maybe? They’re always arguing and laughing about dumb stuff, and when I ask what they’re talking about they won’t tell me.”
There was a curling in my gut. The thought made my blood boil, but I couldn’t grill Lauren any longer because two spots opened up at the flip cup table. She was so bad it would have been funny if it weren’t for the intense girls on our team giving her razor glares every time she fucked us up. Two games later, we got kicked off.
“That was fun. And hard.” Lauren was giggly, on the verge of sloppy. I should have known a couple beers would be all it took. I couldn’t bring the kid home like that, and I was over the stupid party anyway. My phone said we’d been there for an hour and I still hadn’t seen Ben.
“I’m going to get Jade,” I said. “Wait right here.”
Rookie mistake, obviously, but hauling her ass up and down the stairs was more trouble than it was worth. I plucked Jade out of the house’s loft, blitzed out of her mind. I’d underestimated Kappa; the dudes obviously got the good shit.
When we got back downstairs, Lauren was right where I left her in the corner. Except she had company, Kappa tee guy’s friend, the one who offered me a tour of his dorm. He leaned in, mashed his lips on Lauren’s. I could see her giggling and turning her head from the stairs.
“What the fuck?” I was on them in seconds, yanking the guy off her by the back of his polo. “She’s thirteen.”
The guy gaped at me, eyes bloodshot, didn’t even get a chance to respond because of a booming voice behind me, saying my name.
Ben. So pissed off.
He didn’t say a word to me until we were back at my car, despite Jade and Lauren giggling and saving each other from face-planting on the cracks in the sidewalk.
“Have you been drinking?” He looked me up and down. I shook my head, too tired to snipe back at him that he said I could come.
“Get home.” His voice vibrated with anger. “Get her home.”
He nodded toward Lauren, who was tearing dandelions from the ground, blowing the seeds at Jade, who stuck out her tongue to catch them.
“This is seriously fucked up,” he whispered at me. “I just—there’s seriously something wrong with you if you think this is okay.”
I made Jade sit in the backseat the whole ride home because she was high as shit and pissing me off. Lauren puked on the floor in the front seat, and I started to cry, exhausted and thinking about standing outside with a hose at one a.m. when we got home. Jade was like, “Chill, that’s what all-weather mats are for,” and Lauren laughed and I told them both to shut the hell up.
There’s seriously something wrong with you.
I’m starting to think he’s right.
At school on Monday, we waited for Kacey by her locker. I asked her as casually as I could what she did over the weekend.
“I had to finish my common app essay,” she said, pulling her hair up into a messy bun.
Jade stared her up and down. “All weekend?”
Kacey dropped her arms, giving up on the bun. “Yeah, and I hung out with Lauren. Ashley was away.”
You fucking liar. You fucking terrible liar. Her lies brought a slick of sweat to my palms. Jade just kept smirking; she put the heel of her boot on the locker adjacent Kacey’s and leaned back. Kacey glanced over at us, blinked. Like she was surprised we were still there.
“What did you guys do?” she asked.
Jade’s smirk stretched into a grin. “Bay’s brother got us into a frat party.”
“Where?” Kacey looked at me, her eyes suddenly big. I could practically see the blood stopping in her veins.
“Eau Claire,” I said, and the first bell rang. Kacey dropped her gaze back to her portfolio. Had she looked relieved to hear we hadn’t been in Madison too? I’d missed it.
“It was a real shitshow.” Jade hiked the strap of her tote bag up over her shoulder. Her eyes met mine: I wanted to mouth, What the hell do you think you’re doing? She wouldn’t tell Kacey what we’d done, how we brought Lauren to the Kappa Tau house, how she’d puked in my car—
Then Jade reached out and pinched my wrist, said, “See you at lunch,” and flashed me a wolflike grin. I knew what she was doing, that it was all a game to her. I’d been the one who convinced her it was all a game. It was my idea to drive to Kacey’s house, prove that she was lying about being home, and drag her little sister out to party.
My tongue tasted sour as I watched Kacey and Jade walk off to first period—art—together. I jogged to catch up with them. “J! Let me see your math homework quick.”
Jade stopped and turned, blinked at me. “I’m gonna be late.”
I shrugged—Like you care—while Kacey scuttled off to class, dutiful little thing she is. I’ll bet she just wants to suck Mr. White’s dick. Jade let out a heavy sigh when she was gone. “What, Bay?”
“You can’t mess with her like that. If she finds out what we did, we’re in deep shit.”
“You mean she’ll stop talking to us?” Jade said. “Why do you care, if you hate her so much?”
I’d said a lot of things about Kacey, but I’d never said I hated her. Do I hate her? I don’t even know anymore. Sure, she consumes most of my thoughts, and I’ve considered how satisfying it would be to punch her in that stupid fucking face of hers, but it’s not like I want to be rid of her. In fact, the thought is downright distressing. Because if I lose her, I’ll lose Andrew too.
“I just don’t want to get in trouble,” I said. “I couldn’t give a shit what Kacey will think.”
Jade laughed. She actually laughed, like the idea of me not caring what Kacey thinks was hysterical. “Bay, you’re so frigging fixated on her, you’re not even thinking straight.”
For the first time in five years, I didn’t know what to say to Jade. But somehow I came up with the most pathetic thing ever: “You don’t like her either.”
Jade gave me a wry little smile. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
I’m in study hall now, and I’m still sick over the conversation. It’s never been like that between Jade and me before—so much subtext. I can’t lose Jade. Jade is my person, the only person I really like in this town. We take care of each other—we need each other.
I would sooner die than lose Jade.