CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Layla
We listen to the sounds of Quinn bustling around the apartment, gathering her stuff before slamming the front door behind her when she leaves. I know her. She’ll be back later, after she goes to the gym, maybe studies at the library. She’ll have a bunch of backhanded apologies, and she’ll expect me to forgive her, just like always.
Except this time, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m not sure what the immediate future looks like right now––I honestly don’t have the strength to think about it––but I doubt it’s going to include Quinn.
After the door shuts, Nico flips off the light, casting the room in sudden darkness lit only by the streetlamps shining through the window blinds.
I’m not sure what I’m doing. What I’m asking him to do. Two days ago I was staying with another man. Someone who was supposed to love me, who had convinced me that he was the only person in the world I could trust, right before taking that trust and shattering it––and me––completely.
I’m still not sure what to do with that. What to do with my mangled body. I knew, of course, that these things happen. That women get caught up in all sorts of unhealthy relationships. That studies and facts and things like that say that it’s the people closest to you who often do the most damage. But it’s something totally different when it actually happens to you.
The one thing I do know is that I want Nico here if he’s willing. From the second he burst into that room, at the front of the small cavalry of people still willing to help, it was like the earth shifted a little on its axis––like it had been misaligned somehow and was put right. My body reached for him before my mind and my heart. It reaches for him now, despite all its pain.
Slowly, ignoring the way the muscles in my neck and arms ache with fatigue, I remove my jeans and crawl into bed in my shirt and underwear. A statue cast in silvery-blue light, Nico watches. I curl against the wall, hugging a pillow to my chest while I look up at him.
His face is blank, though the muscles of his neck are still corded in frustration. He was holding back with Quinn––this man, who seems to have the urge to save others written into his DNA. How anyone could look at him and not see that is beyond me.
I close my eyes. How lucky am I that he is what he is? That he came when he did? The numbness of the afternoon is finally wearing off, and what replaces it are the cold chills of what might have happened if he hadn’t arrived when he did. The only cure I can think of is his warmth––his strong, solid warmth that will banish this feeling.
“Please,” I say, glad the darkness hides the way my chin trembles. I extend a hand. “Come here, will you?”
Nico swallows, blinks like he’s pulled out of some kind of trance, even though he’s been staring at me the entire time. “Um...I don’t have pajamas or anything.”
The coldness spreads. “Nico?”
He crouches down so we’re eye to eye. “Yeah, baby?”
I bite my lip. He already said he was staying, but now I’m wondering if he was just being nice. “I just need you here, okay? Please?”
Nico blinks, then shakes his head. “Fuck. Yeah. No, of course, baby.”
I watch as he strips off his clothes hurriedly. He does so without pretense––it’s not a strip tease; he’s just taking off his pants and t-shirt so they don’t get wrinkled. But even in my wretched state, I can still appreciate the raw beauty of him. The rigid blocks of muscle that have somehow become even more chiseled since last November. The elegant lines of skin and sinew. The way his tattoos, over his right shoulder and the compass over his heart, ripple with his movements.
He folds his clothes and puts them on my desk chair, then faces me, in just his underwear. He looks down at himself then back at me. “Shit...should I put my shirt back on?”
I should probably say yes. I’m in my shirt too, and I’m not exactly sure what would happen if I had all of that pressed against me that way. But the chill persists, shaking me through. Having his warm body pressed against mine sounds like the best thing in the world. All afternoon, we haven’t stopped touching. But it was always small, almost platonic. Handholding. This won’t really be that different.
So I pull back the covers and make room for him to slide into bed with me. He crawls over so his back is against the wall, then pulls me against him, my back to his front, my body fitting to his like the petals of a flower. I hum. We’ve been lost, floundering around apart, finding only after the damage has been done that it’s together that we’re found. Right here, with him. This is where I belong.
His chest rumbles with contentment as his arms coil around me.
“You okay?” he asks.
I’m not. Obviously I’m not, and I probably won’t be for a long time.
“I’m okay,” I whisper into the darkness. Because what else should I say?
I squirm around suddenly, twisting until I’m facing him instead of the open, empty void of the room. Him. That’s all I want. Him.
His hands thread through my hair, pulling slightly when they find a tangle or two. Sometimes it hurts a little, but he always smooths it out, runs his fingers back over my scalp to allay any lingering pain. Almost automatically, his lips find my forehead, pressing that same tenderness into my skin. It’s a small movement, but it takes my breath away.
I didn’t realize until today how badly I needed to feel a touch, physical or mental, that didn’t hurt. But more than that, I didn’t realize how badly I needed that touch to be his.
My lips find his shoulder before I can stop them. Nico stiffens slightly. I press them to his neck.
“Layla.” His deep voice thrums in the dark. “Sweetie, what are you doing?”
I inhale, my nose buried in the hollow just over his clavicle. The hands in my hair tense, but I can feel the stirrings of something else stiffening lower down. I’m not sure what I feel about that.
“You make me feel good,” is all I say to him.
Nico pushes up on one elbow, cradles his head in his hand so he can look over me. He gazes through me, with eyes as black and deep as the night sky outside. He’s searching for something––what, I don’t know.
“I do?” he asks me.
Wordlessly, I nod. Please, I want to say. Please kiss me. But the words don’t come.
Slowly, he leans down and places his lips right under my jaw, to that sensitive spot that used to make me squirm. My breath catches as he flickers his tongue just there. My heart speeds up a little, but in a way that’s good, not bad. This isn’t fear. It’s desire. It’s heat. The opposite of a chill.
Then he closes his teeth around my earlobe and bites sharply, and I freeze.
He stops immediately. “What’s wrong?”
I close my eyes for a second. “That...please don’t...Nico, I just...I.”
I can’t even get the words out. I’m not sure what they should even be. But his teeth––that tiny hint of pain––struck something deep within me, and something that I thought would be an escape from the horrors of this day suddenly bring it all rushing back, and then some.
“I can’t,” I squeak. “Please...I...”
The look on Nico’s face breaks my heart in two. “Did he...”
His brow furrows without waiting for my answer, and he closes his eyes as if in pain too. He rolls his lips together––his beautiful, soft lips––and exhales forcefully through his nostrils while he rubs his head. He’s processing something. I wanted to forget him, but Giancarlo is in this room right now. I hate him for it. I hate him for all of it.
Nico opens his eyes, suddenly full of direction.
“Tell me what he did,” he prompts.
I pause. “I––Nico, you don’t want to hear about that, do you?”
He puffs out his cheeks and blows out another breath slowly. “No, not really. But I think I should.”
I grimace. “Why?”
“Because,” he says softly. “Why do you think I flew across the country the second you called? Your pain is mine, baby. So let me bear it with you.”
I blink for a moment as his words seep in. The idea that I’m not alone in this. That maybe I really can talk about it with him.
“He––he liked it rough,” I whisper finally, terrified of the reaction I might get here. Nico hasn’t exactly hidden his disdain for me being with someone else, even before that someone turned out to be an abusive asshole. “Sometimes that was okay. I...I didn’t want things sweet with him. I never did. Being with him was always like a punishment, you know? Did you ever feel like you needed something to hurt for it to feel good?”
I close my eyes, working hard to keep my control. I’m terrified of what he might think of me for this. That he might say what a voice in my head also says sometimes. That whatever harshness Giancarlo dealt out, maybe there was a part of me that was asking for it. That felt like I deserved it.
Nico chews on his lips again, clearly processing my words with varying amounts of anger and sadness. But in the end, he retains that direct, open expression.
“Okay,” he says. “So tell me what he didn’t do, baby. Tell me that.”
“He didn’t...” I pause. Tears are threatening now. “He didn’t kiss me.”
Nico arches a black brow in surprise. “Seriously? He never kissed you at all?”
I blush. I doubt he can see it––not with my technicolor face and the dark lighting. But I can feel the heat rising up my neck. “No, he kissed me. I just meant...he never kissed me like you.”
Nico blinks. “Yeah?”
The blush deepens. It’s hard not to look away. “Yeah.”
Carefully, with movements scattered with micro pauses to check and check again that I’m actually all right, Nico shifts so that he’s lying between my legs. It’s not a lecherous move––just one that allows him to balance with his forearms on either side of my head so his hands can cup together at the crown of my head. We stare at each other. His black eyes glimmer with the glow of the city that sneaks into the room.
Slowly, slowly, he leans down. And finally presses his lips to mine.
“Like that?” he asks, his breath warm and heavy.
I nod. “Like that.”
So he does it again. And again. Slowly, slowly, my mouth opens to his. His tongue slips out to taste me again, to flicker with curiosity and want. I twist mine with it, finding again that delicate dance that always made me feel like I was floating two feet off the ground. Nico sucks lightly on my bottom lip, savors the top, licks and nibbles until a low moan emerges from my chest. My hands have somehow found their way into the hair at the back of his neck, and with a sudden yank, I pull him deeper, forcing his body to collapse over me. And this time, the hardness now pressing between my legs is unmistakable.
“Shit,” Nico breathes in between the deep, long kisses that I’m driving now as much as him. “Fuck, Layla.”
But when he thrusts his hips, something deep inside me stills again. My chest squeezes, and I freeze again. Nico pulls back, searching my face again, even though his lips are wet with our kisses.
I shut my eyes. Fuck. What am I doing? I want this, even though I shouldn’t. I need this, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m so fucked up. Quinn is right. Maybe the best thing for Nico is to just leave me alone. My needs shouldn’t matter when they just screw everything up.
“Look at me, baby.”
So I do. Because even in this tortured state, I also know the truth: that I’d do just about anything right now because he wanted me to.
“Did he make you come?” he asks.
At first I’m not sure he actually asks me that out loud. But then he draws a finger over my cheek, plays with my lower lip for a moment, and asks it again. His lips are soft as he drifts kisses down my body, over my t-shirt, between my breasts, down to where the hem rises just above my underwear.
I stare as his mouth hovers over the elastic band. “N-no?”
It’s a question more than a statement. But it’s also true. The few times I did orgasm with Giancarlo, I had to do it myself. And more often than not, he would get too impatient waiting for me to find the focus to do it. I’ve been faking it. For months and months, I’ve been faking it.
Nico props his chin on my stomach and gazes up at me with eyes full of love, free of judgment. “No?”
“N-no. I just...I just couldn’t. Not really. Not with him.”
Nico lays his cheek on my stomach, closes his eyes and smiles an impossibly sweet smile. Like my disclosure solves all of his concerns. Like he’s thinking of the countless times he’s brought me to the peak of pleasure, with just a few touches, a few choice phrases, a few breathless kisses.
Men.
Then he presses one kiss, then another over my stomach. “Is this okay?”
Quickly, all deprecating thoughts vanish as his mouth toys with the elastic band of my underwear. When they pull away, I look down to find Nico fingering the sides.
He looks at me, unsure. “Is this...is this okay? You can say no. I won’t be mad, baby, I swear.”
I believe him. I believe that in this moment, all he wants is to give me some pleasure. And even though I should say no, I can’t for the life of me think of a reason why.
In response, I lift my hips and watch as he removes my underwear. He kneels over me. With the moonlight shining in, bouncing blue gray off the windows of New York, he looks like an ancient warrior, standing over me. Protecting me.
He leans down and kisses me again, keeping it kind, but doesn’t bother to mask his hunger. My hands rub up his arms, over the dips and curves of his finely honed muscles, grazing the ridges of his abdomen. Christ, he really is beautiful.
“Can I make you come?” he asks before he steals another kiss or two.
“You used to all the time.”
There’s that smile––the impish, cocky smile I remember. The one he reserves just for me. I let him tug off my shirt, and he kisses down my neck, humming slightly into the soft skin between my breasts. My hands clasp his head, holding him there.
“Do it,” I whisper. “Please.”
With a rumbling groan, Nico kisses down my body all over again, worshipping my nipples, my stomach, my hips, all in ways I never felt with...him. A name that even this quickly, starts to grow distant. I look my worst, but Nico looks at me as if I’m at my best. As if he can’t see anything else but me.
He feathers his mouth over my inner thighs, and I shiver at the touch, moaning slightly as my legs spread. Spread for him.
“Please.” I’m so close to begging. I will if he wants. “Please. Kiss me there.”
But I don’t have to beg. Nico’s mouth finds my most intimate spots with the ardor of a starving man. Like he lives to do this, to feel me twitch and moan under his exquisite lips, feel my body shiver with each stroke of his tongue. As he sucks lightly on my clit, he hums again, creating a delicious vibration. My body, desperate for release, seizes almost immediately. My body isn’t frozen at all anymore. The heat of desire is almost too much to take, and yet, with him it feels like it could last forever.
“Oh, God!” I cry out, holding his head firmly in place. He doesn’t stop, even as the first orgasm fades. Instead, he chases it, urging another one right on its heels. “Nico!” I shout as the next one hits. “Oh my fucking God!”
He makes me come again and again, with his lips, then with his tongue, and finally with his hand, reached over my hip while he holds me securely against his body, absorbing the tension I didn’t know I had to release. It’s only after the fifth and final orgasm that he finally allows me to return to earth, still holding me close while his breath plays at my ear.
“I love you,” he murmurs, almost in a daze himself. His fingers strum across my stomach lazily. “I belong to you.”
The words catch in my throat, and unbidden, tears prick at my eyes. How often did I dream of him saying just that, of me being able to say it back to him as easily? I open my mouth to say it––I feel it, after all. I love this man more than anything. All I’ve wanted, since the day we met, was him.
But the words don’t come. And suddenly I am all too aware of his erection pressing at my back. Of that fact that I have taken and taken and taken from this man all day and given him nothing in return.
“I...” I trail off, feeling unsure. Awkward. “Hold on.”
I move clumsily, turning in his arms and reaching down to his underwear.
“Whoa!” he hollers as my hand takes hold of his solid length through the fabric. “Baby––shit––what-what are you doing?”
I keep him in my grip, holding tight. I don’t move, but that’s only because I’m shaking again. Once again...frozen.
“I just thought,” I whisper, even though I can’t look at him. “I just wanted to make you feel good. Like you did for me. Because I...I love you too.”
The words linger between us. Nico stares at me, holding my gaze to his. Then slowly, he reaches between us, and unwraps my fingers from his cock. My heart sinks.
“Not now,” he says softly, refusing to let me look away. “One day. But you’re not ready.”
Still he holds my gaze, like he’s demanding me to see the truth in his eyes. Maybe we moved too fast. Maybe he’s regretting his actions too. But the longer I look, the more I thaw. The more his warmth surrounds me, infiltrates me. Body. Soul. Mind. Everything.
Nico takes my hands and presses them to his mouth, kisses to my knuckles.
“One day,” he murmurs again. “I promise.”
“That’s patient of you,” I say, though relief floods through me at his words.
“No, baby,” he says as he gathers me into his chest. “That’s love.”
~