CHAPTER TWO

Trix

Sliding the pan in the oven, I look around the kitchen. The place is sparkling, even after spending the last half hour making baked spaghetti. I cleaned as I cooked. That was after I had already spit shined the rest of the house. I have tried to keep myself busy ever since coming home from the doctor’s office. I knew if I took even a minute to think about what was going on, I would fall apart. I can’t afford to fall apart right now, not when my family could walk through the door at any moment.

Shaking my head in an attempt to make those thoughts go away, I walk over to the sink and quickly wash my hands. I then plug my phone into the speaker and hit my favorite playlist, hoping the music might keep my mind occupied. I bob along with the first song, walking around the kitchen to make sure I haven’t missed anything. Of course, I find a pair of Jamie’s shoes shoved in the pantry. That boy, he takes his shoes off everywhere. Wherever that is, is exactly where he leaves them. By the time I get done putting them away, the pop song has transitioned into a sweet bluegrass sound. As soon as the sound of Alison Krauss singing When You Say Nothing At All hits my ears, my heart skips a beat.

Thirteen years ago, Boz and I were married behind my father’s clubhouse. I wanted it to be there, because it made me feel closer to my mom, almost like she was there watching me give my heart away to my man. After the ceremony, we had a huge ass party. We did it biker style, with plenty of booze and a shit ton of good music. The only thing we did traditionally was the first dance; Boz made sure of that. In front of everyone, my husband held me close and swayed to the sound of Alison Krauss singing about love.

Blocking out the memories, I close my eyes and listen to the words. With each beat, I feel closer and closer to tears. When she sings about her love catching her whenever she falls, I break down. The tears start flowing, one after another. For over thirteen years, Boz has never let me fall. He’s always made sure that nothing and no one would hurt me, but he can’t do that this time. He can’t do anything this time. I can’t do anything either. There is no damn way that I am going to be able to keep him from hurting. I am going to be the one hurting him, hurting him in a way that is going to eat at him for as long as he draws breath.

I listen through the end of the song, letting my heartache and fear consume me. The entire time, I think of all the memories Boz and I have made together. When the song finally comes to an end, I pull in a deep breath and use the back of my hand to wipe off my face. Knowing I have to get my shit together, I walk across the room and grab my phone. I stop the music and pull up my contacts, finding Boz’s name. I just need to hear his voice.

“Hey, darlin’,” he answers after the first ring.

“You picked up the kids yet?” I ask, hoping he is already on his way home.

“I already got Jamie and Fiona, but Land’s practice ran over, so we’re waiting on him. Looks like they’re about done.”

Fiona had dance class today, and both boys had baseball practice. I’m usually the one that picks them up, but Boz said he would do it today because he wanted to talk to Jamie’s coach. According to my man, the dickhead is not giving our son enough playing time. In reality, the coach is giving everyone equal time. It’s little league, so he wants to keep it fair. I’m okay with that, but Boz isn’t.

“You guys need to hurry. Dinner is almost ready,” I tell him, having to stop myself from begging him to grab Leland and head home.

“Good, I’m hungry,” he says before mumbling something to one of the kids.

I smile as I say, “I made baked spaghetti.”

He lets out a long whistle and loudly calls our eldest son’s name before asking, “What’s the special occasion?”

When Boz and I first met, I couldn’t cook at it. It was either sandwiches or carryout. I’m still not much of a chef, but his mom has spent hours and hours teaching me enough to keep my family fed. I can throw something together, but it is not usually spectacular. The only thing I make that everyone absolutely loves is baked spaghetti. It isn’t hard, but it is time consuming, so they don’t get it very often. For some reason, I thought maybe breaking the news after feeding Boz his favorite meal would make it a little easier.

“Since I had the day off work, I figured I would make y’all’s favorite,” I answer, not telling him the complete truth.

We talk for a few more minutes before he tells me they’re heading home. After a quick goodbye, I mentally add up how long I have left in the house by myself, and it’s too long to be alone with my thoughts. Knowing I need to keep myself occupied for the next twenty minutes or so, I grab a notebook and pen from the desk. Heading to the kitchen table, I sit down and flip the notebook open. Looking down at the blank page, I try to think of a way to say everything that needs to be said. I could write letters, could pour my heart out, but I don’t think I’m up for that. Instead, I decide that I am going to make a list.

For Boz,

1. Quit leaving your socks on the floor. Laundry baskets were made for a reason.

2. The list of monthly bills and our budget is on the computer under household junk. You will find all of our life insurance information there, too. If you can’t figure it out, get one of the kids to help you.

3. A long time ago, I made a list of my wishes if something were to happen to me. It is on the computer also, under the file marked Trix’s things.

4. If you ever need help with the kids, ask your mom. There is no shame in needing a hand now and then. She has been here for me, and she will be there for you.

5. No one will ever know the extent of my love for you, not even you. I’ve tried to show you daily, but it still hasn’t been enough. The day I met you changed my life, and I will always be grateful that you chose me. Even as I write this, with tears in my eyes, know that I am also smiling. My love for you is beyond measure. You have filled my life with tremendous joy.

6. This is hard, but I need a promise from you. Find someone else. Find love again. Please, give someone else the gift you have given me.

With all my love, Trix

I know there are a million more things I need to say to the man that owns me heart and soul, but I can’t seem to focus my thoughts long enough to get them all out. Instead, I focus on the kids. In some ways, this is even harder. I’m supposed to be here for them, supposed to take care of them. If I die, I won’t be able to do that. I doubt I can get a lifetime of wisdom onto a piece of paper. Knowing that is impossible, I decide to highlight a few things.

For my beautiful children,

1. This one is for the boys: always put the seat down. No woman wants to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the seat be up. Also, I want you both to find a woman that you can’t breathe without. Find someone that will make you smile, even when everything else in the world is turned upside down.

Fiona, remember that a woman wears makeup, it does not wear her. If you need help learning how to do it, ask Aunt Addy. Also, never ever let a man treat you less than you deserve to be treated. He should treat you like you’re a queen. Get a man as good as your daddy and you will do just fine.

Your dad is a very smart man, and even if sometimes you don’t like what he has to say, listen, because his gut is never wrong. He will always steer you in the right direction.

4. I may be gone, but I will always be in your hearts and watching over you, so don’t do anything that you know will disappoint me. I expect you all to be kids that bring good into this world.

With all my love, Momma

Setting the pen down, I wipe a stray tear away and tear the pages from the notebook. Carrying them up the stairs, I fold them once and place them in my jewelry box. Hopefully, I will make it through this shit and no one will ever need to read them. My breath comes out labored as I shut the jewelry box and turn away from my dresser. I barely take a step when I hear the front door open and the house fills with the sounds of my children talking and tossing their backpacks on the floor. I quickly check my face in the mirror before heading down to my family.

The minute I hit the bottom step, I stop and just take in the sight before me. Fiona is twirling in circles, still wearing her lime green tutu. James, or Jamie as he likes to be called, is taking off his shoes, and Leland’s fingers are flying over his phone with a smile on his face. Knowing my boy, he is probably texting with some girl. Even at twelve, the boy has girls coming out of the wood work. Taking all three of them in at once, I realize just how lucky I am. I may be sick, may even die, but I brought these three wonderful people into the world.

It takes me a second to notice Boz standing between the kitchen and front door, his eyes locked on me. When my eyes meet his, he heads straight to me and pulls me into his arms. His lips are on mine in an instant, with so much passion that it leaves me breathless. He devours me the same way he always has since the day he made me his. When he pulls away, I take a moment to catch my breath.

“I’m glad you’re home,” I say, laying my head against his shoulder. “I missed you.”

His arms tighten around me. “Something wrong?”

Lifting my head, I stare at him for a long moment, not knowing what to say. How do you tell the man you love that you could be dying? Something is definitely wrong, but there is no way I am going to tell him about it now, not in front of our kids. This is a conversation we’re going to have on our own. Then, we will decide how to tell the kids together. That sure as hell isn’t going to happen standing by our front door.

“Darlin’ you’re scaring me. What the fuck is going on?” he asks when I don’t answer him quick enough.

I pull back enough to look at the kids then back to him. “I’ve got something to tell you, but we’ll talk about it after dinner.”

I barely get the words out when he states, “Fuck that. You’re gonna tell me what is going on right now.”

I snuggle in close to him, get on my toes, and whisper in his ear, “I don’t want to talk about it in front of the kids. I just want to have a nice dinner with my family.”

When he doesn’t answer, I pull back and look into his eyes. “Please, give me this, Boz. I need it right now.”

He stares at me for a few seconds before finally nodding. “But you’re going to tell me right after dinner, even if I have to pull the words out of you.”

I let out a relieved breath and back out of his arms. “Let’s eat.”