Chapter 30
Emily
He pushes past me and heads down the hallway to the bedroom. I only wait a few seconds, trying to put together what on earth he meant, before starting after him. By the time I reach his bedroom, he’s already in the shower but I don’t let that stop me, walking right into the steam filled room.
“What do you mean it was your fault that he took me?”
“What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom!?!?” he pokes his head around the shower door. I’m leaning on the double vanity across from him, trying not to think about the fact that he’s naked behind the door.
“I wasn’t done talking.”
“Well, I was!”
“What did you mean that it was your fault that he took me?”
“Exactly what I said.” he slams shower door closed trying to end the conversation without giving me an answer.
“Tell me why you think it was your fault he took me.”
“Em…don’t do this.”
“Tell me,” I demand.
“You were my motivation. I had given up. I was done trying, done fighting, done with fucking everything. I had completely given up.”
“Luke…”
“That night, I lost another fight one that apparently had cost him quite a bit of money. But I didn’t give a shit. I was so fucking tired of it all; I was done. But then he told me that anything that happened that night was because of me. A few hours later, you were...Anyway, he said you were my motivation.”
“I remember.” None of the details of that night have ever left me.
“You remember that?”
“Are you kidding? I remember everything he fucking did that night,” I grimace at the memory. “I remember you begging him to stop hitting me, I remember him touching me, the way he smelled, the way he—”
“You’ve known this entire time that it was my fault? I thought you…blocked it out or something from the drugs he gave you.”
“It wasn’t your fault he took me—”
“How can you fucking say that? Didn’t you just hear what I said? What you said?”
“He was a sick fucking bastard, but he’s the one who grabbed me when I was walking home that night. He’s the one who drugged me, who tied my hands and ankles together in the back of that disgusting van. He’s the one who hung me from a pipe like a piece of meat and then beat me. He did those things, not you, Luke!”
“But if I had just done what he wanted. If I hadn’t had given up…”
“Maybe he wouldn’t have come that night, but maybe he would have done it anyway at some point. He was fucking crazy! He’s the one who punished you even after you won the fight, remember?”
“How do you not hate me? All this time, you’ve known that I’m the one responsible for your worst nightmare becoming your reality.”
My heart breaks for the guilt he must have been carrying around all these years. I can’t believe he thought I blamed him for what happened. I knew that night, when I was hanging from that cold pipe, that nothing that had happened was his fault. I need to somehow convince him that he needs to let the guilt go; he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
I know I should say something, but I can’t have this conversation with a closed door between us. Realizing what I need to do, I quickly strip off the shirt and panties I had slept in, leaving them in a small pile on the floor. I take a deep breath and slowly open the door, stepping into the large shower with Luke. I’m instantly reminded of the only time I’ve ever showered with another guy… the night…
“What are you doing, Em?” he’s not able to hide the surprise in his voice.
“You want to know why I don’t hate you?” I step closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He simply nods, I think too surprised to say or do anything else. As tempting as it is, I don’t let my eyes wander from his face. His intense brown eyes meet mine, as his hands slowly come to my hips. I can feel his tense muscles my arms, tension that I want so badly to relieve him of.
“I don’t hate you…because you’re the only reason I survived. I never would have survived if it wasn’t for you, Luke. You…you held me together, you made me believe that I could live through what was happening, you were my motivation. When I felt like giving up, I looked at you and figured if you could last as long as you did, then I could too.”
“Em…” he wraps his arms tightly around my waist, tugging me closer to him until there’s no space between us. “I thought you’d hate me if you knew the truth; you should hate me.”
“It’s not your fault, Luke,” I say against his neck. “Just like it wasn’t my dad’s fault. It’s his fault; he’s the one responsible for his actions which is why he’s rotting in a jail cell right now.”
“How can you forgive me so easily?” his soft voice reminds me so much of the nights he held me, comforting me.
“Because there’s nothing to forgive. We were both dealt a shitty hand, but we survived and we did so because we had each other. Nothing will ever change that, Luke.”