Alex liked to pace while thinking. He’d done this ever since he was a small child, walking the length of whatever room he was calling his in whatever house they were calling home at the time. His mother used to tease him about not getting their deposit back because he was going to wear a hole in the carpet. She ended up regretting this because he began doing his homework in the kitchen, pacing back and forth across the linoleum until she made him go outside, his constant back and forth making her queasy.

Alex’s condo was perfect for pacing. He’d left a long length of floor open from the slider to his desk, a wide walkway for him to stride back and forth, back and forth rolling around whatever predicament was plaguing him. He’d been walking that space for almost an hour, had been walking that space for hours at a time for days ever since he’d ferried Kelsey and her friends back from Mobile.

He’d never seen Kelsey with her friends, not really. Teenagers are different in a classroom, on their best behavior. Despite his presence the three friends seemed at ease with each other the conversation constant though stilted occasionally by Kelsey losing the train of it, the final dose of what Reva kept referring to as “that good-good” rendering Kelsey spacey and prone to moments of wonderment at things she saw along the road. Reva had a scathing wit which he’d already known but he was surprised at how juvenile her humor could be. She purposefully ran Kelsey in circles of dialogue that would loop until Reva couldn’t take it anymore and burst out in a peel of giggles. Then Kelsey would make it worse by asking what she was laughing about. Elliot, who never said much in his class but Alex knew from assignments that he was thoughtful and intuitive, was more patient with Kelsey’s temporary handicap and kept swinging the conversation to memories from growing up together in Lumen Cove, which Kelsey had no trouble elaborating on.

Alex also discerned almost instantly that Elliot was in love with Kelsey. He’d known the boy had a crush on her. Anyone with eyes could see that, but the care with which he helped her into the truck, how his eyes stayed trained on her while she walked, ready to spring to her aid at any moment, how he managed to anticipate her needs doing all the things that Alex would be doing if he could, just a beat after Alex thought of it himself.

He ran a hand over his mouth, turning abruptly at the end of his bed to walk the other direction. He didn’t like the thoughts he’d been having the past few days. It was as if a veil had been lifted and his actions over the last few months were thrown into stark relief, the wrongness of it so clear he wasn’t sure how he’d managed to justify it to himself for so long. He’d slept with a student - a teenager - and as if that wasn’t damning enough he’d messed around and let her fall for him. He couldn’t blame her. Not only had he done nothing to prevent it, all his actions had pointed to the fact that he felt the same way - which he didn’t, he couldn’t; that would be insane. Letting her cook for him, sleeping over at her place, taking her out on the Echo Delta was palpable. He’d never taken a woman on the Echo Delta.

Except she’s not quite a woman is she?

Alex let out a frustrated growl, scrubbing his hands through his hair in frustration. He knew what he had to do and the queasy aching feeling it gave him left him unsettled. How had he let himself get so entangled in this?

He jumped as he heard the back door swing open, whipping around to find Kelsey slipping in and closing the door behind her. She had on a burgundy knitted hat, her long dark hair spilling over the shoulders of her dark winter coat. She smiled widely at him as she paused to discard these items, shaking out her hair and tugging at the cowl neck of her sweater, righting it before hurrying over to him.

“Alex,” she said, grabbing his hands in hers and looking him in the face, her brown eyes glowing with excitement. “You will never guess where I just was?”

“If you say Mobile I swear to-”

She swatted his chest and he tried to force down his smile, a sad longing settling at the base of his sternum. “No, I was at the bridal shop!”

Alex blinked at her. “What, now?” he asked, inclining his ear towards her and she sighed.

“The bridal shop. Picking out a tux!” She exclaimed and his heart began to gallop. She gave another heavy sigh, tugging impatiently on his hands. “For my dad!” She was beaming at him. “He’s seriously going to present me at Cotillion! I cannot freaking believe it.”

Kelsey released his hands and spun away from him, continuing to ramble about what he wasn’t sure because he had tuned out her words until her voice was just a melodic tone. He watched her turn towards him again, her face alight with happiness, gesturing wildly and covering her face with her hands which she only did when she was at her most agitated or excited. He couldn’t see her injuries; whatever makeup she used covered it so completely, it was unsettling. He missed the soft natural look of her bare cheeks, the smattering of freckles across her nose. He liked the way her nose crinkled when her smile was at its widest, how she would run her hands through her hair, shake it out and then clasp her hands to her chest. He liked the sound of her voice. He could listen to her talk forever.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Her question startled him, her hands dropping to as her head tilted to one side, looking at him with suspicion. He situated his face into a neutral look and shrugged his shoulders. Her eyes narrowed stepping to him slowly with a lithe grace she’d developed over the time he’d known her. It was sensual, alluring and he could feel a flash of heat wash over his skin. He had to turn his face from her to hide his shame and longing.

“Hey,” she said and he felt her hands slip into his again, tugging to get him to look at her. “You okay?”

Alex let his eyes meet hers but immediately dropped them to their joined hands, wrapping his thumbs around her fingers and she gave him a squeeze before disentangling herself from him and wrapping her arms around his neck. Alex’s eyes went to the ceiling, taking in a slow, agonized breath as she pressed her body fully to his, her head fitting onto his shoulder. He wanted to snatch her up and squeeze her, carry her to the bed and undress her slow, take his time and love her until she had to beg him to stop. He placed a hand on her lower back, not trusting himself to wrap his arms fully around her, lest he never let her go.

“Are you mad?” She asked quietly and he sighed, rustling her hair. He pressed his nose to the top of her head and inhaled her sugary sweet scent.

“Why would I be mad?” He asked, his voice strange even to his own ears.

Kelsey pulled back to look him in the face, her arms still around him, hands flat against his shoulder blades. She looked into his eyes and he felt vulnerable in a way he’d never experienced, his skin seeming to tingle in anticipation and anxiety, feeling as if she was reading him as easily as if the words were printed no his forehead.

“About Cotillion,” she said softly, pulling her arms back to rest her hands against his chest. “You know I don’t really want to go with Elliot.”

Alex winced, reaching to move her hands but only succeeded in pressing one of her hands more firmly over his heart. “Kels…”

“I wish I could go with you,” she said, so quietly he almost didn’t understand it, her words more breath than whisper but it was enough to make his hand curl around hers and pull it from his chest.

“It’s good for you,” he said, his voice low as he gathered both her hands in his, running his thumbs over her knuckles, back and forth. “You…” He tried to swallow the golf ball sized lump in his throat. “You should spend more time with boys your own age…”

Kelsey stiffened, feeling as if she’d just been doused in cold water. Her hands tightened in his as her feet shuffled in place, her heart seeming to know where this was going before he brain could quite catch up. She dipped her head, trying to catch his eyes but he refused to look at her, just watched his thumbs swipe back and forth over her knuckles in a monotonous rhythm.

“I spend time with them. At school,” she ventured, her voice low and soft and the corner of Alex’s mouth twitched.

“You know what I mean…”

“I don’t think I do,” Kelsey lied, her heart beginning to pound as her hands squeezed his even tighter.

Every muscle in her body began to tighten, a slow ratcheting movement that left her back impossibly straight and her body nearly immobile. He let out a breath of a laugh and met her eyes finally. She gasped, a pain, similar to the one that had stabbed her when Gram died but sharper, seemed to plunge into her chest. Alex’s tongue slipped out to wet his dry lips as he adjusted his grip on her hands, glancing at them before meeting her gaze and locking his eyes on hers.

“Kelsey-”

“No,” she said simply and he pressed his lips together, his expression slipping from stoic to pained as hers morphed into fear and panic. “No, don’t-”

“Kelsey, this has to-”

“Please don’t”

“…stop.”

Alex sighed watching her brown eyes grow watery and she bit the inside of her cheek hard.

“What did I do?” She asked quietly, trying to step forward even though she was already virtually flush against him, their joined hands trapped between their bodies.

“Kelsey-”

“Because I can fix it. Just tell me and I’ll-”

“Miss Charming.” He felt her shiver, two wet tracks making their way slowly down her cheeks. “We…you knew… that it would come to this eventually.” He watched her look down at his chest, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. He cupped her face, smearing them away with his thumbs. Her hands gripped his wrists.

“But… but… not yet,” she said, her voice breaking on the last word and she looked up at him, her face contorted in a painful grimace, her eyes begging him. “Not yet, Alex… Please, I…”

He swallowed hard again, his jaw flexing and he looked down at her chest to avoid her eyes. He felt his resolve start to crumble and squared his shoulders, releasing her and she let go of his wrists reluctantly. He took her hands in his again and let out a slow breath that gushed against her lips, before looking her in the eye.

“It’s already gone on too long,” he said softly and he could see her face fighting to remain calm and neutral. He could feel the panic radiating off of her. “Kelsey I never should have-”

“Don’t say that,” she said her voice trembling as another flood of tears coursed down her cheeks and she stepped back, reaching up to wipe at her own face angrily. “What… what made you decide? Was it Cotillion?”

Alex gave a sad chuckle and shook his head. “No, no I just… I guess I…”

He paused.

“Is it about… is it about the money?”

Alex bristled and huffed an angry sigh. She let her head fall to the side, annoyed and he laughed without humor. “No. This… this isn’t about the money. Look-”

“Then what?” Her voice broke and she gritted her teeth looking away for a moment, bouncing on the balls of her feet as if she couldn’t bear to be still. “What was it? Why now?”

She was looking for an explanation and he found that he had none, except for the fact that she loved him and he couldn’t tell her that, refused to fully acknowledge it even to himself but he knew deep down that was it. He had been reckless to the point of insanity with her and she had doubled down on it in a way that could have gotten her killed. This was the only way he knew but something felt extremely wrong about it. This entire conversation felt wrong, but he knew doing the right thing wasn’t always easy.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said finally and she looked at him as if he were monumentally stupid. He winced. “More hurt than you already are. Kelsey, I’m sorry.”

She scoffed, shaking her head as she crossed her arms over her chest tightly as if to hold herself together. She bit her bottom lip hard, staring at the black TV screen as if it held some sort of answers for her. She took a deep breath.

“There’s nothing I can say is there?” She asked, her voice low and barely controlled. Her eyes met his and he wanted so badly to reach for her and take her in his arms but he couldn’t, not after everything he’d just said. He couldn’t walk that back now. It would only make it harder. He shook his head. Her jaw tightened and her eyes narrowed, surveying him for a moment. “What if I said…” she paused, her mouth open but no words came out. She worked her jaw back and forth and he swallowed hard. “What if…” She cut herself off again and shook her head, letting out a humorless laugh as she looked away again. “Never mind…”

She turned from him, her chest feeling as if it were caving in. As much as she wanted to tell him she couldn’t, the danger of him refusing her still was too much for her to handle. She knew Alex. Probably better than he realized so she knew when he made a decision there wasn’t any unmaking it. She looked around the space blearily and it was as if she’d never seen it before even though she had cooked dinner at that stove, studied in that chair, made love to him in that bed. She didn’t belong here anymore. He’d decided that and she wasn’t about to try and force him to think otherwise. If he didn’t want her anymore she would just leave.

“Kels.”

She felt his hand wrap around her bicep and she turned abruptly ripping it out of his grasp. He took a step back showing her his palms, his blue eyes cautious as if she were some kind of wounded animal. God, the pain was disorienting. Had she ever hurt like this? Even after Gram? She shook her head, taking a shuddery breath as she grabbed her hat and coat from the back of the barstool and made for the door.

“Are you gonna be okay?” He asked and she stopped, her shoulders tensing in a cringe and he stepped towards her. “Kelsey.”

“I’ll be fine,” she said stoically in a voice that wasn’t her own, she turned to him and gave him a smile that made his chest ache. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay but don’t…” He ventured, following her into the tiny laundry room, and she stopped to look at him. He winced. “Don’t… not come to class okay?” She blinked at him, letting out a quick bark of a laugh that she smothered with her hand. “Kelsey it’s important. There’s only a week or so left I can’t pass you if-“

“I’ll be in class, Mr. Danvers,” Kelsey replied bitingly and he felt as if she had just punched him in the gut, his breath leaving his lungs in a huff. She shook her head at him, snorting as she reached for the door.

Alex wanted to stop her. Everything in his body was screaming for him to stop her but instead he watched her slip quietly out and close the door behind her with a snap, not even looking back.