Declan

---

I’d fucked up.

Even as I’d reached out, I had told myself not to. There were reasons I’d never, ever allowed myself to touch her, but in that instant, those reasons had been forgotten.

And now I was paying the price.

I had my excuses, each more unconvincing than the last.

I could have told myself I’d been acting on instinct. That it was Grace’s fault for trying to lift that heavy chair. But I’d never lied to myself, and I wouldn’t start now.

Yes, it had been heavy, but Grace was capable of picking up a chair. I’d seen her handle thirty-pound bags of flour, and even though I’d chewed out Sean’s worthless college-kid bartenders for leaving that job to a woman, I knew she was fine. So I couldn’t use chivalry as my excuse. But that made sense because chivalry wasn’t a part of my makeup.

Truth was, any excuse I could come up with was flimsy to the point of being insulting. Which meant I had to confront the fact that I had touched her, and not out of some concern for her, but rather out of the absolute necessity of doing so. I’d fought that impulse all night, and it only seemed to get stronger as Grace worked so hard to ignore me. I couldn’t quite say why, or, more accurately, wouldn’t admit why, but the feeling of her shutting me out became unbearable.

I’d needed to do something to reach out to her, and that had seemed like the easiest thing.

Seemed that way, but was definitely the wrong move.

I probably should have gone home, but I knew that nothing awaited me there but more thoughts of Grace.

So instead I turned my car toward one of my warehouses, deciding that if I couldn’t deal with one problem, I could at least address another.

This particular warehouse lay on the outskirts of the city, and when I reached it, I gave the signal and waited as the gate slowly opened.

I drove in, parked, nodded at the guards who were not visible but I nevertheless knew were there, and then made my way inside.

The stations were set as always, containers, cash counters, and distribution buckets all lay out in a row.

Most days, the cash would be stacked high, neatly wrapped on pallets waiting distribution to clients, minus our cut, of course. But today, there was less than half of what would usually be here.

It should have been overflowing; there were people vying for an opportunity to take a spot in one of our warehouses.

My brothers and I hadn’t started out in the laundering business, but when we got into it, we exploded and were the absolute best. There were rivers of cash waiting to be cleaned, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to take any more of it.

I walked down the rows of tables, again noting that my idea had been a very good one. We had warehouses identical to this one throughout the city and rotated cash through our properties to make sure it couldn’t ever be pinpointed. The operation was my brainchild, and it was a damn good one.

I had come a long way from stealing cars and beating the crap out of people for money. But moving up hadn’t brought me the satisfaction I’d thought it would.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true.

A long time ago, I had made my mother a promise. That I’d kept that promise for so long made me proud.

And maybe I shouldn’t have been, but I was proud of the business that my brothers and I had built from nothing. We had taken the shambles that our father had made of his name and his resources and built them into something that he could never fathom.

But now…

So much had changed.

Patrick had his real estate business, Michael his hotel, Sean his pub.

They didn’t need this anymore.

All this business gave them was a risk that they no longer needed to take. And as the days had gone by, that had become more and more obvious to me. I knew it was obvious to them, too, but none of them had said so.

Because of me.

They had lives now, families, legitimate businesses.

I had cars and a woman I could never have.

In a way, it was nice of them to continue on with this charade on my behalf. Their loyalty was real and wasn’t something I had ever questioned, and that extended to putting everything they had at risk. I was certain that if I asked, they would tell me it was all good, that they were still committed, but I didn’t know if I believed that. How could I, not when they had lives, families, so much more than me?

It said a lot about how much they cared for me. But I wouldn’t be the reason they risked so much when they had so much to lose. I also knew I couldn’t pull the plug on the business.

Sometimes, I told myself stories, ones where I would take my money, open up a proper restoration shop, and live out my days fixing up cars. The thought of it made me want to puke, and filled me with a deep despair.

That was the man I wanted to be, but it wasn’t the man I actually was. I knew that as much as I knew my own name. I’d always had the ability to see myself clearly and that ability was both a blessing and a curse.

The idea might sound good to me, me with a nice little shop, fixing up cars, living the quiet, simple life, but I knew that image and the reality of who I was had very little in common.

The same was true with the family I could so easily picture. Me with a good woman, couple of kids, a nice life.

But just as I knew I could never be content being a simple mechanic, I also knew that even if I managed to get that life, or the woman that I wanted in it, I would fuck it up.

That was as certain as my next breath, as certain as the blood that flowed through my veins. So as appealing as it might seem, it was not an option.

But I needed to decide what I was going to do.

Michael had asked questions, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before Patrick did too.

I wasn’t sure how I would respond when those questions were asked, but there was one thing I had no doubt about.

I walked through the warehouse one last time, again taking a moment to marvel at what we had created here. Whatever operation I ended up with would be much smaller, not something that would rival the Murphy brothers in their glory days, but that was okay.

I had made my mother a promise, and I would continue to keep it.

And in doing so I was guaranteeing I’d end up the way I had always feared, the way that I’d always known was inevitable.

Alone.

That thought left me cold, but before I could slip into despair, my phone rang.

I looked down at the caller ID and grimaced.

“What?” I spat after I answered.

“I need to meet,” Aengus said, speaking in a voice that told me he knew I’d agree.

I would.

I fucking hated the sound of his voice and wanted to punch every tooth out of his mouth, but instead I grimly said, “Four this morning. Meet me at this address.”

“Four in the fuckin’ morning?” he said, incredulous.

“Four or not at all,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Fine,” he responded glumly, which only pissed me off more.

I swallowed that anger back, though, and hung up the phone. It was a couple of hours before I was set to meet, so I spent that time walking through the operation, all the while wondering what the fuck I was doing.

Playing with fire was what I was doing.

All of my brothers hated Aengus, and all of us had more than good reason. I wasn’t sure if any of them hated him as much as I did.

I hated him so much that it scared me. Hated him so much that I found myself accommodating him, something that I both despised and that made me feel unbearably guilty.

My deception only added to the depth of that guilt. But despite that guilt, I hadn’t yet told my brothers that I talked to him sometimes.

I’d decided I didn’t need to. I dealt with Aengus for them because I knew he was trouble and I told myself that I was simply running interference.

That was true, but it wasn’t the full story.

I had made my mother a promise, and I intended to keep it. Even if it meant dealing with Aengus, when I’d just as soon see him in the gutter I knew he’d eventually end up in. Until that happened, I’d keep my word and make sure he stayed the fuck away from my brothers.

When the time came, I headed toward the address I’d given him, pissed at him for summoning me but far more pissed at myself for answering his call.

I probably should’ve been worried that Aengus had hired someone to take me out or beat my ass, or maybe that he was informing on me, but I wasn’t. Not because I respected Aengus, or trusted him as far as I could throw him, but because I knew he was cunning. He couldn’t fuck me over because then he’d be completely on his own, and as arrogant an ass as he was, he knew he wouldn’t survive that.

“What?” I said, impatient.

“I need a little loan,” he said.

I had anticipated what this meet would be about, so I reached into my back pocket and handed him an envelope with bills in it.

He opened it and counted them. “Ten thousand? What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” he said.

“You can fucking choke on it for all I care,” I said.

I turned and began to walk back toward my car.

“Thanks, son,” Aengus said.

I paused, glared back at him.

“You don’t get to fucking call me that,” I said through clenched teeth.

Then I got in the car and sped off.

---

Grace

---

When I woke up the next morning, the memory of Declan’s hand on me was my very first thought, I said a little prayer of thanks that I didn’t have to go to the pub today.

It wasn’t like I had a lot of other things to do, but a break from the intensity of Declan would probably be a good thing.

Though my sleep had been fitful, I didn’t linger and instead got up and went out to my garden. I grew most of the rosemary and other herbs that I used in my bread, and took great care at tending my small plot.

It was one of the things that made me feel happy, at peace, something that I had always sought and had so seldom found.

No, this life wasn’t everything I wanted, not by a long shot, but it was something good, something that mattered.

What else could I ask for?

Almost instantly, the thought of a home, a family, with Declan, filled my head.

I struggled to push that thought away because it had no place here, would not and could not be my reality.

Besides, hadn’t I learned anything?

I pulled off my gardening gloves and looked down at my ring finger. It was bare now, but even all these years later, I could remember the weight of the ring that had lay there, the weight of the expectations that had come with it.

My failure to live up to them.

The punishment I’d suffered because of it.

I knew that wasn’t really true. I’d been betrayed, the trust that I’d given, the love I’d tried so hard to give, taken and tossed away, what little self-respect I’d had gone with it.

I’d worked hard to get what I could back, and in a way, I’d gotten it. I was independent, had carved out a little life here. I wouldn’t risk it.

But I wanted to.

Declan made me want to.

I wanted him so much, but even as I knew that, I knew that we could never be. He’d be disgusted with me, grow tired of me.

Or worse.

I shuddered at that thought, tried to push it out of my head, but I had no luck.

It wasn’t fair. Declan wasn’t like him.

I told myself that over and over again, believed it too, but I still couldn’t trust it.

Couldn’t trust myself.

I’d done this before, found someone that I thought I could build a life with. I would never compare Declan with him, but this wasn’t about Declan.

It was about me.

I stabbed the dirt a little harder than I’d intended and dropped my small gardening shovel to examine the herbs and make sure none of the plants had been damaged.

Satisfied that they were okay, I went back to work, taking more care this time, though my mind still moved at the speed of light.

It couldn’t run fast enough to get me out of this mess. I knew that, but I was at a loss as to what to do about it. And, some small part of me that I couldn’t quite manage to silence wondered if this was all my fault.

I knew what my husband had done to me wasn’t my fault, but after so many years of being told it was my fault, that I’d asked for his abuse, I guess some part of me believed it. Looked for ways to please him.

And that was why this thing with Declan could go nowhere.

Even though it had led to such disaster before and even though I thought I had learned my lesson, I wanted Declan and knew without a doubt that he could give me all that I’d dreamed of, all that I’d never dared admit I dreamed of.

The very thought left me breathless with desire and anticipation, but it scared me even more.

I’d come so close to losing myself once, I couldn’t risk it again.

Not with Declan.

Not with anyone.