Four
My intention was to propose to Cara as soon as we got back, but for some reason I couldn’t. It wasn’t a big deal, I just had to hand her the ring and say the words, but I kept looking for an opening and it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t find a good moment, so we spent the rest of the afternoon stuffing ourselves with cannoli and complaining about capitalism. The rings remained in their boxes in the corner of the room. I could feel them sitting there. Watching. Judging. How could two such tiny items cause so much pressure?
“Do you want to stay over?” she asked a few hours later. The cannoli were long gone and it was dinner time. I had been just about to suggest that we order pizza.
“You mean like old times? We won’t get to sleep in the hayloft.” She smiled and rolled her eyes.
“I will never forget that time you told me that story about the farmer using the barn as his murder shed and that the walls were painted with the victim’s blood,” she said.
“Yeah, maybe that wasn’t the best story to tell before we went to sleep that night. Sorry about that?” Cara threw the empty cannoli box at me.
“Brat. But seriously, do you want to stay over? No murder stories this time.” The idea of going back to my apartment and being alone in my room sounded miserable, so I agreed.
“Do you mind if I go back and just grab some things real quick?”
“Not at all. I’ll go with you.” That was sweet of her, but that was the kind of friend Cara was. I hadn’t won the lottery when it came to money, but I’d won the friend lottery, that was for sure.
BY THE TIME WE GOT back to Cara’s from going to my place, we were both hungry enough to eat our rings instead of wearing them. Cara ordered pizza and I put my cutest pajamas on. She dashed out of the room and then came back in a tank top with dancing avocados on it and a pair of matching green pants.
“Oh my god, you look adorable.” I stood up and she did a little twirl.
“So you do. I love these.” She tugged at my pants that had otters all over them, including lots of otter puns. I’d fallen in love with them online and hadn’t been able to resist buying them.
I grabbed her hand and made her do a little turn under my arm. We both laughed. We’d done the same thing when we were kids after watching some old movies that had waltzing couples in them.
“How come you always get to lead?” she said, not letting go of my hand.
“Because I’m taller? I don’t know. Isn’t that how it works?” She shrugged and finally dropped my hand.
“I don’t know about that.”
We were interrupted by my phone ringing with my mother’s ringtone.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, baby. How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” That was true, I was a bad daughter sometimes and didn’t call her as much as I should.
“I’m good. Listen, I’m at Cara’s house. We’re having a sleepover tonight, like old times.”
“Oh, let me talk to her. I haven’t talked to her in a long time either. You both need to be better about that.” As far as my mom was concerned, she had two daughters instead of one. I was so glad Cara had someone who loved and cared for her as a mother.
“She’s right here,” I said, handing the phone over.
“Hey... Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, I know I should call more,” Cara said, making a face at me. She was having the same conversation with Mom.
I crashed on the couch as Cara walked around the room and chatted with Mom. At one point, she pulled the phone away and whispered to me, “do you want to tell her?”
“Now is as good a time as any,” I said.
“Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker.”
“What are you two up to? I can only imagine,” Mom said.
“Well, you know how Gram left me that money? Turns out we both kind of need it, so, uh, we’re getting married. For the money. Because we’re awful like that.”
There was silence on the other end for a few seconds.
“Of course you are. Honestly, I’m not surprised at all. You should have thought of that sooner. Could have used some of it for your undergrad.”
“I mean, it’s a little late for that, but you’re okay with this, right?” I glanced at Cara. She looked worried.
“Absolutely. You know that I didn’t get along with her and she made my life hell. Did I tell you that she tried to break up your father and I more than a few times?” This was the first I was hearing of it.
“Uh, no? I didn’t know about that. I want to hear about that later, though.”
“She was a mean woman with a lot of money, and for some reason, she decided to give a lot of it to you. So take advantage. It’s not like she’s going to know or approve because she isn’t here anymore.” I could tell my mom was glad about that fact, even if she wouldn’t say it out loud.
“You sure you’re okay with it?” Cara asked, and I turned the phone toward her.
“You both know my thoughts on marriage. I don’t really care about it, and you’re going to get it annulled after you get the money, right?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Then what’s the problem? It’s like cosigning a loan. In fact, it’s even less serious than that because you’re on the hook for a loan even if you’re not in contact with the other person anymore. Go for it, girls. But tell me more about why you need money.”
I figured she was going to ask about that, so I took her off speaker and handed the phone back to Cara. She told Mom about her financial aid situation and then handed the phone to me to explain about losing my job. The pizza came as I was trying to get her off the phone.
“I wish your father was home so you could talk to him, so expect a call probably tomorrow.” I cringed, but I’d expected that.
“Sounds good,” I said. Sometimes I envied people who only talked to their parents once a month or less. At times it felt like mine were too involved for me being twenty-three.
After ten more minutes of trying to get her off the phone, I finally succeeded. Cara had set up her small card table with her best plates and filled two wine glasses with a mixture of seltzer water and juice.
“Wow, isn’t this fancy,” I said, putting my phone on silent. I didn’t have any faith that my mom wouldn’t call again tonight. She’d done it before.
“Why not?” she said.
“I don’t know,” I replied, sitting down and picking up my glass. She lifted hers and we clinked them.
“To our impending marriage,” I said. The word left a strange taste on my tongue. It was so adult. So mature.
“To our impending fake marriage,” Cara corrected.
“Right.” I knew it wasn’t the real deal. It wasn’t like we were going to fall in love with each other or anything. I had literally never thought of Cara that way, and she was completely and totally heterosexual. Sure, she hadn’t had a boyfriend in a while, but that didn’t mean anything. Cara was the kind of girl who wouldn’t accept less than she deserved when it came to relationships, and a lot of the guys she’d tried to date hadn’t been able to handle that. Their loss.
I inhaled as much pizza as I could and then we smushed together on the loveseat and watched old TV shows until we were ready to pass out.
“So you can crash here, or we can share the bed,” she said, and my stomach did something funny. Probably too much melted cheese.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’d be comfortable out here.” She was basically in my lap and I’d been absently running my fingers through her hair.
“That’s fine. There’s enough room for two,” she said, getting up.
“Lucky for me,” I said, stifling a yawn. This had been a wild week and I was pretty fucking exhausted. At least I’d solved a bunch of my problems. I didn’t have to stress about finding a job, any job, right now. I could pick and choose and maybe find something that would pay better and would be a better fit for my resume. And Cara would be able to tell the financial aid office to fuck off, she’d gotten the money another way.
“You ready for bed?” she asked, and I levered myself off the couch.
“If I don’t go now, I’m going to be too tired to go to bed later.” She nodded and yawned wide.
“I know exactly what you mean.”
It was comical trying to cram both of us in her microscopic bathroom to brush our teeth at the same time. We kept bumping each other with our hips and laughing. I almost choked on my toothpaste.
One thing that Cara hadn’t compromised on was her bed. It took up nearly her entire bedroom and was made with silky gray sheets and a light-yellow comforter with black flowers on it. There were even enough pillows for two people.
“This is the nicest bed I’ve ever slept in, except maybe for a hotel once or twice.”
Cara pulled down the comforter so we could get in and I slid between the sheets and blankets and sighed in relief.
“Why thank you. I spent way too much on this bed, but I figure a bed is a good investment. Sleep is really important.” It was, and right now, I needed it desperately.
She got in next to me and turned on her side.
“Thanks for coming over. And for having this ridiculous idea. I know I was reluctant at first, but I’m on board now. I’m not going to lie, I’m a tiny bit excited to get proposed to, even if it isn’t real. I wonder what my future husband is going to think about that when I tell him I was married before him.” When she mentioned a future husband, a sharp pain went through my chest.
“If he does mind, then he’s not the right guy for you.” I could barely get the words out. I didn’t want to talk about this.
“That’s so far in the future. I’m not planning on getting married until I’m a least thirty. That still feels like it’s so far away, even though it’s only seven years.” Her eyes drifted closed and she yawned again. I hoped she was falling asleep so we could stop having this conversation.
“Let’s just get through the fake marriage first,” I said, and she nodded.
“Goodnight,” she said opening her eyes one more time. I was closest to the light, so I got up and turned it out before crawling back into bed with her. She’d scooted over so we were almost pressed against each other. The bed was big enough, but I didn’t mind her being that close. We’d always cuddled when we were kids and had even shared sleeping bags dozens of times. I knew the sounds she made in her sleep. The little whimpers when she was having a dream, or the little sighs, or the tiny snores when her nose was a little bit stuffy.
I’d slept in the same space with Cara hundreds of times before. So why did it feel different tonight? I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and wondering why I couldn’t sleep. I was aware of every single breath Cara took, every single little movement she made. I could barely breathe myself, and I kept as still as I could so I didn’t disturb her.
What was wrong with me? This had nothing to do with pizza.
I let my mind wander and gave up on sleep after a few hours. It finally latched on one thing: the proposal. I thought of at least a hundred different ways I could do it, but none were right. Why was I spending so much time on this? I didn’t know, but I wanted it to be good. Even if it was fake. It would be good practice for the future, maybe. So far this fake marriage thing had been pretty good. Maybe the real thing wouldn’t be so bad, either. Or maybe I was just being a huge dork and was wrong about everything. That was also a huge possibility.
At one point, Cara made a little grunt in her sleep and wiggled closer to me. I froze, worried if I moved, I would wake her up. She nuzzled right into my shoulder and sighed in her sleep.
Carefully, I turned a little so her head was tucked more fully into my body. She was warm, and it was a hot night, but I didn’t care. I’d sweat my brains out before I would move.
Sighing myself, I let my face rest against the top of her head, and finally my body decided it was time to shut down.