My heart started racing. It was going a thousand miles an hour. It was racing and breaking at the same time. I always hated it when people said there was something we needed to talk about. I knew by the expression on Gray's face that he had been keeping something from me.
"It was for you that I came to Memphis in the first place."
"What do you mean you came here for me?" I asked. "What does that mean?"
I glanced at the eggs I had cooking on the stovetop, which had already began to bubble. I turned down the fire, waiting intently for Gray to continue. Dread washed over me. He didn't say anything right away, so I turned to stare at him before leaning against the kitchen counter. There was about ten feet of space and a small kitchen peninsula between us, and Gray put his hands on the countertop, leaning forward and regarding me with an expression that was regretful enough to give me a stomachache.
He took a deep breath. "It was a few years ago when it happened. I was in Kuwait. I was part of a unit that got called in to clear the area after a shooting occurred at the Consulate."
I didn't mean to cry, but I felt a hot tear drip down my cheek, and I wiped it away.
Gray paused, making a face that said he hated to continue since the conversation was obviously hurting me.
I turned around to flip the eggs but mostly to brace myself.
"He had already been shot when I got there," Gray said at my back.
I absently stared at the pan as the eggs continued to fry. I had popped two of the three yolks during the flip, and I watched as the yellow liquid spilled out in a slowly moving stream along the side of the egg.
"Are you okay?" he asked, since I had turned my back to him and stayed that way.
"Just say what you're gonna say," I said. "You came here for the Army or something?" My voice came out so vulnerably that it cracked. I cringed at the sound of it.
"I wasn't planning on telling you any of this," he said apologetically.
I turned the flame down to low and just sat there, staring into the pan.
"I was on location to sweep the area for explosives, but I couldn’t help but notice that there was a note in one of the soldier's hands."
My head and jaw ached as a rush of tears came over me. I ducked my head and shielded it with my hands to make sure he couldn't see me, and I heard him sigh.
"Oh, man, I'm sorry, Jane. I really shouldn't have said anything. I really probably shouldn't have even come here. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring up old pain."
I heard him moving around, and I turned to find that he was standing near the end of the peninsula, a few feet closer to me. It seemed like he really wanted to approach me but wasn't sure if I would let him. I turned off the burner, knowing that the eggs weren't going to get eaten now that things had just hit the fan.
"Why did you come?" I asked. "Because Seth wrote a note or something?"
I stood with my back to the counter, facing Gray, but I still shielded my face with my hands. "Finish." I said. "Just say what you came here to say."
"May I please just give you a hug right now, Jane?"
His voice was so sweet and genuine that it was instinct for me to nod. The next thing I knew, Gray wrapped his arms gently around me. I kept my hands over my face, so my arms were between us, but he still somehow managed to envelop me tenderly.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I just kept feeling like I was lying to you by not telling you the whole truth."
I was quiet for what must have been a full minute while he just stood there, holding me gently.
"Did you come here because you found a note Seth wrote?"
"Yes," Gray said. "He was a good person. He wanted to make sure his wife and child were taken care of."
"Do you still have it? The note? Never mind, don't tell me. I don’t think I want to know. What did it say? You can tell me that. What'd it say?"
"It just said please take care of my wife and child, and I felt like I wanted to come here and make sure you were doing okay."
I stood there, feeling completely shaken and overwhelmed. I never in a million years thought I would be having this conversation.
"What took you so long?" I asked, finally. "Why'd it take you so long to come check on me?"
Gray tightened his grip on me, running his hand up and down my back. "I did what I could from the Middle East," he said. "I asked my commanding officer to make sure the Army was doing all they could for you."
I felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath.
"I've barely been back to the U.S. since I found that note. I was a part of a team that… we stayed really busy. I actually thought about trying to see you for myself right when it happened, but my contact checked on you, and he assured me you were doing well."
I took a deep breath, letting my arms fall to my side and resting my face on Gray's chest. He drew me in, holding me close to him even though I didn't hug him back.
"I hadn't even been home yet when I came to Memphis," he said. "I went through my debriefing, and then I came straight here."
"And what did you find?" I whispered.
"I found you, Jane. I found a strong woman who was doing just fine and didn't need me at all."
I was overwhelmed.
"I can't believe you came here for Seth," I said. "I knew it was too good to be true that I would just randomly meet you."
Gray held me in place with an arm around my back, but he pulled back his upper body and used one hand to tilt up my chin, forcing me to look at him.
"Jane, I had to tell you the truth. I felt like I was lying otherwise."
I wanted to stay there with his arms around me, but I couldn't make myself do it. I stepped back.
"What did you think was going to happen when you came here Gray?"
He sighed. "I thought I would ch-check on you," he stuttered. "I just wanted to check in on you and your baby and make sure you were doing okay. I thought maybe I'd offer to pay a few months rent for you or something…" he hesitated, shrugging as if he knew it was a stupid plan. "I don't know what I thought. I didn't expect to like you, Jane, I really didn't. I meant to just come to Memphis and, I don't know, try to see you from across the room or something. You know, just try to see with my own eyes that you were doing okay so I could have peace of mind about it."
I was literally shaking. Shivering. Gray noticed it and reached out to hug me again, but I denied him with a little shake of my head.
"I don't know what to think right now," I said.
"I honestly don't understand why it has to change things," he said.
"Because it does," I said. "You don't have anything in Memphis. You only came here because you thought it'd be the honorable thing to do."
He put his palms in the air, staring at me with a confused, frustrated expression. "In my eyes, Jane I'm being anything other than honorable right now. If I were being honorable, I would've remained professional about this whole situation. I would have believed my commanding officer when he told me the Army had done everything they could to take care of you. It's not honorable of me to come here and let my own feelings get in the way. It was selfish of me to give you the heaviness of knowing about that note just so that I could tell you the truth about it—just so I could clear the air between us. It's because I wanted you. I wanted you for myself, and I didn't want there to be any false pretenses. So, no, I don't feel like I've been honorable. The honorable thing would have been for me to check on you without you knowing and keep it professional. That's not what I've done here, and I'm sorry."
"Are you sorry you came?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, I'm not sorry. If anything, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry." He let out a little humorless laugh as if he didn't even know what he was saying. "I don't know. Basically I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that it changes things between us, but I'm not sorry that I came here or that I met you, Jane. I can't say that I regret that even if it makes me less than honorable."
"I knew you didn't want that apartment. I thought you were just taking it to keep that creep from renting it."
"I wanted to pay you for it and then tell you to keep the money. That was a thought I had right when I saw the sign in your front yard—before I even met you. Then I met you, and I met your daughter, and I don't know, I liked you, and I started getting selfish I guess. I definitely didn't plan on telling you about the note, and I probably shouldn't have. I didn't know what else to do."
I wiped my face with my hands, feeling a bit like I couldn't tell which way was up. On one hand, I hated Gray for making me believe he had just showed up on my doorstep by fate and getting my hopes up, but on the other hand I loved him for showing up here at all, fate or no fate.
"I'm usually really good at making plans and executing them," he said. "I usually make great choices under pressure."
"And what about this scenario seems like a bad choice?" I asked.
"Whatever part made you go from cooking me an egg to crying and looking at me like you wished I would get out of your house."
I couldn't help but smile. I tried my best not to, but he was so adorable and honest that a smile spread across my face without my permission. I did my best to quickly hide it by biting the inside of my lip.
"Seriously Jane, I should have been strong enough to let you live your life without knowing about that note. It was selfish of me to tell you about it. It was because I thought I couldn’t get close to you any other way. I knew before I even did it that it was wrong, but your parents were here, and they had been asking me questions, and I just couldn't help but feel like I was lying to all of you. I should have just let you live your life."
My nerves and emotions had been going so haywire that it was only beginning to sink in that Gray had, to some extent, been confessing his feelings for me this whole time. There was a teeny tiny part of me that wanted to freak out and kick him out of my house because of the deception, but I knew if I did that I would never see him again, and honestly, that was an unacceptable option. I took a deep breath, looking him directly in the eyes and trying to get my emotions under control.
"I can't say a hundred percent, because feelings change, I guess, but the way I'm feeling right now is that we might never talk about that note again."
"Done," he said. "I'm sorry for telling you about it."
"I thought you said you weren't sorry," I said.
"I'm whatever I need to be to get you back to the girl who was smiling at me and cooking those eggs."
I gave him a half-smile before glancing into the pan. "I bet these are still edible," I said.
A relived smile touched his lips. "They're definitely edible," he said.
"A little overdone, but that never hurt anyone."
I pulled plates out of the cabinet before arranging the toast and eggs—one egg for me and two for Gray. I slid his plate toward him, and he looked at it before glancing at me with a smile.
"Jane," he said.
"What?" I didn't feel much like eating after all the excitement, but I still casually took a bite of the food.
"Thank you for not kicking me out."
I smiled. "Thank you for checking on me," I said. "Even if it took you four years."
Gray squinted his dark eyes at me, smiling as he took a bite of the toast and egg. I couldn’t help but smile at him.
"No really," I said. "It sucks that it happened, but it was gentlemanly of you to follow-up on it. Did you have to see a lot of stuff like that?"
Gray smiled sadly. "That wasn't even a bad site," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said.
He looked at me. "Don't be. I chose to be there. I could've gone into the Army and played with the marching band if I wanted to."
"Are you a musician?" I asked.
He chuckled as he took another bite. "No, I just meant I could've chosen another military job. I could've quit the Army for that matter. I saw some things that haunt me a little bit, but I really don't regret seeing them. All that stuff made me who I am."
I stared at him, knowing I wanted to know more about that guy.