Manning returned to my bedroom, wiping his hands on a damp cloth before he ran it over his shaft to clean the blood away. “Why are you getting dressed?” he asked, glancing at my underwear.

Hadn’t I exposed enough? “Don’t leave, Manning.”

“Leave?” He kneeled at the foot of the bed, looking up at me. “Lake—I’m not going anywhere. Lie back.”

I did as he said, and he gently moved my underwear aside to wipe the blood away. Even if he didn’t mean it to, it felt good, the towel tepid and soothing. I moaned softly, and he lingered there, running it over me with a little more pressure. Just as the warmth started to build, he threw the towel aside. “Up.”

Cautiously, I rose from the bed, standing before him in just my sweater and panties. He was still hard, still tortured as he looked me in the face. “You’re a virgin?”

“This doesn’t change anything,” I quietly begged him.

To my surprise, he dropped to his knees and pulled me to him by my hips. “Sweet, sweet girl,” he said, his eyes intently on me. “It changes everything. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Unsure of how to put it, I spun the thin ring on my index finger. “I—I was afraid you’d think I was too innocent and not go through with it.”

“But you and Corbin—”

“Were never together,” I admitted.

“Yesterday it seemed like . . . and your mom said he was your boyfriend.”

“I never told her that. She assumed, and I think Corbin wants her to think so because he . . .” I closed my mouth. This didn’t seem like the right moment to upset Manning.

“He still wants you,” Manning said. “I know that; it’s hardly a secret. But he was all over you yesterday. I thought you were a couple.”

“I let you believe that because I wanted to hurt you.”

He ran his hands up my backside and under my sweater, squeezing my waist as he dropped his forehead on my stomach. His voice nearly broke when he said, “You waited for me.”

“Not waited. Hoped. I didn’t think it would ever happen,” I said, my heart in my throat, “but I couldn’t bring myself to do it with anyone else.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

I touched his hair, inky black softness sprouting through my fingers. “If not you,” I said, “then who?”

He turned his face up to mine again. “If I’d known, Lake, I never would’ve done it like that. I’m so . . . fuck, I’m so sorry. I want nothing more in this world than to worship you. To show you how much I love you because words aren’t enough.”

Immediately, tears filled my eyes. “Love me?”

“Was there ever any question that I do? Even with all the fucked-up things I did, you can’t tell me you didn’t know, for a moment, that I was in love you.”

Hearing the words I already knew to be true was validation for all of it. For the way I’d pushed him so many times over those two years I’d lived at home. My confessions had scattered on the beach the night I’d found out about the wedding—I’m all wrong without you, I’d said, and had gotten no response but waves crashing on the shore. This morning, though, he loved me. A tear slid down my cheek. “Show me, Manning, please. Don’t make me wait any longer.”

With a kiss to my chest, he sat back on his knees. Holding my hips, he brushed his lips down my stomach, then pressed them to the front of my underwear. It was an innocent kiss that felt anything but—and one that made me inhale a shaky breath. He kissed me there again, dampening the white cotton. Despite the gentle way he touched me, I felt the urgency in his movements as his fingertips dug into my skin, then a pull in my stomach so sharp, it almost hurt.

I tugged his hair. “I want this. You don’t need to go slow.”

“Yes I do. Let me savor this. It’ll hurt less if you’re wet and ready.”

“I am ready.” I couldn’t breathe fast enough. I only wanted to feel as close as possible to him. “It didn’t hurt that bad,” I lied.

He stood, tilting my head up by my chin. “Being your first means everything to me. I haven’t just dreamed about it, Lake. I’ve had nightmares about it.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I said.

“I’ve hated myself for how badly I’ve wanted you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, then slid his hands down my back, pulling me flush against him. “You were always the last person I should be fantasizing about. You were too young, and then you were too pure, and then you were gone. All those times I was tempted, I thought . . .”

He trailed off as he scanned my face. My nipples were already hard in my bra, but as his gaze darkened, they tingled. He had to know he had nothing to hate himself for. I stepped out of his embrace and pulled my sweater over my head. I wanted to press myself against his naked chest. I was nearly bared to him, my panties clinging to my pubic bone with his saliva, but I still didn’t know how to act or ask for what I wanted.

“You thought what?” I prompted.

“I thought it’d kill me to say no to you, but I did, and here I am.”

Early morning sun glowed through the windows, lightening the white walls. Now that we’d slowed down, I had time to think about what we were doing. The countless times I’d imagined sex with Manning, I never thought I’d be this nervous.

Manning set his dark eyes on me, and there was so much behind them, I couldn’t help asking, “Are you having second thoughts?”

“Not even close. I’m just having thoughts.”

“Like?”

He stuck his fingers under the straps of my bra and slid them down my shoulders. “Turn.”

I faced the bed. He pressed a wet kiss on one shoulder, running his mouth up the line of my neck. My hair stood on end. I closed my eyes to savor the brush of his knuckles over my back as he unhooked the clasp of my bra. I caught it before it fell off.

He put one arm around my stomach and pulled my back to his front. “It’s okay,” he said, gripping the bra between the cups and taking it from me.

He hummed against my skin and took my breasts in his hands. His long fingers met in the middle as he squeezed me to him harder, rolling his hips into my backside.

“I’m thinking about how I’ve dreamed . . .” he murmured. “And fantasized . . . of having this. How I’ve tortured myself over not having this.”

The fear in his voice calmed me a little. This wasn’t just a big deal to me. I put my hands over his, my insides tightening with the way his palms scraped my bare, sensitive skin.

“Let me see you,” he said.

I turned hesitantly, my face warming, my eyes on our bare feet. I remembered the night I’d stripped for him in the lake, me and him in the moonlight. I’d been young and foolish around Manning too many times to be that confident now. He stood there staring until he said, “You’re shaking.”

It wasn’t only that winter had seeped into all corners of my room, or that this would change everything for me. I couldn’t imagine a life in which I didn’t give myself to Manning, and at the same time, I couldn’t believe it was really happening. “Have you ever done this before?” I fought against the urge to pull my hair over my shoulders, the only means left to cover myself. “I mean taken someone’s virginity. Obviously it’s not your first time having sex.”

“It might as well be. Nothing’s ever mattered to me as much as this.”

“Nothing?” I asked. His words made me courageous, so I touched his chest. “Not your wedding day? Or the day your sister was born?”

He moved my hand over his heart. “Nothing. And no,” he added. “I haven’t done this before.”

I wanted to touch him more, but his other hand moved between my legs, stealing my focus. I swallowed up at the ceiling, my lids falling closed as his fingers firmed through the thin material of my underwear. I grabbed onto one of his shoulders, hanging on to him.

When I opened my eyes, he was watching me. “I can’t believe I’ll be your first,” he said. “And your only.”

“My only,” I repeated, still getting used to the idea. Not that I’d ever thought of anyone else that way, but I doubted any of this would seem real for a while.

The words affected him, too, his expression contorting as if it hurt him. “How many others did you turn down for me?” he asked.

I sucked my lower lip into my mouth. “Besides Corbin? None.”

“You don’t even realize, do you? How many asked you out? How many wanted to, but couldn’t? They never even stood a chance. You don’t even know what you do to us.”

Focused on his words, I almost missed him slipping a finger under the elastic. With the skin on skin contact, I sighed, wanting more than his feathered touch. “You don’t have to hold back,” I said. “I can take it.”

“I need to go slow, otherwise I’ll destroy you, and I’d like if we could do this more than once before I die.”

“You were so excited, though. I ruined it.”

He chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’m still excited.”

“But it’s not . . .” His finger slid right into me, all the way to the knuckle. I lost my train of thought, gripping his shoulders to keep myself upright. “It should be . . .”

He lowered his mouth to mine and whispered, “Should be what?”

“It was explosive before,” I breathed. “Fireworks.”

“Maybe you don’t feel what I do,” he said. “Just because we aren’t tearing each other’s clothes off doesn’t mean there aren’t fireworks.” With his free hand, he held the back of my head and kissed me. I couldn’t even handle that, his lips hungry, his tongue searching, his finger moving faster and faster inside me. Still holding my neck, he kissed the underside of my jaw, my throat, my collarbone. I salivated for him. I got wet for him. Nothing mattered but the way he held me in place, his grip strong on my jaw, my body against his. Manning wouldn’t have his fireworks any other way but this—burning a slow path through the night sky to an explosion.

“Christ, you’re incredibly wet, Lake,” he muttered. Was I supposed to be embarrassed by how much his touch excited me? I couldn’t tell if he was concerned or aroused until his next comment. “You’re going to slide right onto my cock.”

I gasped, so shocked that I bucked my hips on his hand. “Manning.”

He lifted a corner of his mouth in a half-grin. “What?”

“I’ve never heard you talk like that. You wouldn’t even curse around me.”

“There were a lot of things I kept myself from saying around you, but I won’t anymore. I’m gonna say them all.”

“Say something to me you wouldn’t’ve said before.”

“Okay.” He took his hand back and stood before me, glorious, naked, huge in every sense of the word, his muscles carved and defined to perfection, as if by my own design. “Get on the bed so I can fuck you, Lake.”

My chest stuttered as I exhaled, everything inside me coiling with a fierce need. Biting my lower lip, unable to look away from the heated, almost angry look in his eyes, I staggered back and sat on the mattress. I had no choice but to crawl up the bed as he climbed over me, propping himself up with his arms.

“Say another,” I pleaded.

“I want to feel your hands on me.”

I ran my nails over his dark stubble, touched the veins in his neck, grazed his chest hair and silently counted his abdominals with my fingers. He let me explore, but after a few moments, he took my hand and lowered it between us. When he placed it over his penis, my throat went bone dry.

He shut his eyes a brief moment, groaning with that one touch. Encouraged by his response, I pushed my palm against the length of him. He twitched in my hand, pink and thick and alive. He was beautiful. All of him.

“God, Lake,” he muttered, inhaling through his nose. “Touch me.”

I tried not to look as nervous as I felt. I couldn’t even wrap my hand all the way around him. I tried to make my fingertips touch, surprised by how hot he was. How had he even gotten it in? Bleeding the first time was normal but he must’ve torn right through me.

“What’re you thinking?” he asked. “I want to hear it all.”

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to be a hundred and ten percent honest with me when I’m in your bed,” he said. “Do you hear me? Nothing, I mean nothing, is more important than trust when we’re like this. That was the last time you’ll stay quiet when I’m hurting you.”

“What if I want you to hurt me?”

He gritted his teeth. “Then you say it. We talk about it before we get in bed. So I’ll ask again—what’re you thinking?”

“I don’t know how you fit inside me earlier,” I said simply. “It defies physics.”

His eyebrows rose, as if he’d expected any answer but that one. “It’s not anything our bodies weren’t made to do.” He kissed my chest, then slipped a hand under my bowed back, pointing my breasts to the ceiling. He licked his lips, looking torn, then sat back on his calves to remove my underwear. Cupping the undersides of my knees, he slid me to him, holding my legs open, his penis dangerously close. “It’s still going to hurt,” he said, reading my expression. “No matter how wet I get you, I can’t fix that. I’m just going to go slow. At first. Until you get used to me.” Holding my leg in one hand, he spread his other over my stomach, maybe to soothe my trembling. “And you’re going to get used to me, Birdy.”

When he lowered his hand to touch me, I arched my back, but didn’t look away from what was about to go inside me. “Manning?”

“Mmm?”

“Even after I turned eighteen, you wouldn’t come near me. Did I not turn you on?” I knew how he’d answer, but for all the times he’d shut me out, I wanted to make him squirm. “What’s different now?”

He followed my line of sight down to his erection. “Nothing. I’ve been hard for you before.”

Manning didn’t squirm at all, but I did, wiggling with excitement, biting my bottom lip. “When?”

“That turns you on, huh?” He grunted, lazily exploring me with his hand. “All the times you tortured me just by being close?”

“A little,” I admitted.

“A lot.” He removed his finger and licked it. “I’ve barely even touched you and I can taste you on my hand.”

My heart beat in my stomach. Manning may have kept quiet about these things in the past, but it definitely wasn’t because he was shy. He took me under the knees again, spreading my legs to lie between them. “Wrap them around me.”

I locked my feet behind his back.

“Now your arms,” he said. “If it gets to be too much, tell me. Or dig your nails into my back and I’ll stop.”

I circled his neck and tugged on the ends of his hair. “Is hair-pulling allowed?”

He dropped a kiss on my lips. “You can do anything you want. Can’t hurt me.”

With that, he started to push inside me. He paused to adjust himself, working only his head in. I sucked in a breath but it didn’t hurt as much this time.

“There was that time on the horse at camp,” he said. “You were between my legs and your hair was so soft. You were scared. I felt protective.”

I wondered if all the love I felt showed on my face as I looked at him, thinking back to that time when I’d been head over heels for him. It’d affected him, too. Manning got up on his hands and pushed harder into me.

This time when he thrust, it felt good. Slick. My arms loosened, and he grabbed my wrist, putting it back around his neck. “Don’t let go, Lake. Please.”

I squeezed him more tightly, even as he stayed propped over me. “Then what?” I asked.

“I got hard for you. I was so fucking confused.” He started to move, sliding in and out of me. His neck went veiny as he groaned. “And ashamed.”

For all the times over the years I’d felt confused and ashamed, I didn’t want that for him. I knew how hard this was for him, letting himself have the girl he wouldn’t even allow himself to want. I gripped the back of his neck. “I’m glad it’s you.”

“I don’t know if I deserve this.”

I pulled on him. “You do. Please. Show me how much this means to you.”

He bent his head to kiss me, and the moment our lips touched, he let loose. Now I knew what he’d meant. Our bodies were made for this. Each thrust came more slippery, more out of control. I opened for him, taking him deeper, a man who’d never been anything but composed around me. This was a side of Manning I hadn’t yet seen, and I couldn’t believe I was doing this to him.

“Am I hurting you?” he asked through clenched teeth, even as he seemed completely lost in it. “Fuck.”

“No,” I said, accepting all of him now. “Don’t stop.”

He kissed me hard on the mouth, sliding one hand over my hip to lift my thigh. He ground into me with more force, driving so relentlessly that the ache deep in my stomach became more of a throb. It was no longer a feeling I wanted him to ease but a place I needed him to fill. He tore his mouth away, keeping his forehead against mine. “How does it feel?”

I was sure I had tears in my eyes when I said, “I can’t even answer that.”

“I can. You make me so fucking crazy, Lake.” With the emotion in his voice, in his face, I started to understand what this was all about—why people confused love and sex. The urgency of his kiss, the sudden build of pleasure, the slapping of skin on skin. If my life were a song, this was the crescendo. I hadn’t truly known what it’d meant to love anyone, even Manning, until now. “When I think about you between my legs back then, about all the times I wanted to say fuck it and steal you away . . .”

As he took me back years, the present came into focus. The climax building inside me was almost painful, the way everything up until now had been. “It’s too much,” I panted.

“Then let go,” he said. “Let it take over.”

Hearing Manning’s voice, feeling him on top of me, inside me, his face close to mine, I’d never needed anything more than to take what he wanted to give me. My face burned as I arched my back and gave in to him. He took up a pattern, each hard thrust with a grunt. All I could do was hold on as his back slickened with sweat, as my climax obliterated every thought in my head other than yes, God, yes. Every noise but my pained moans. Every feeling but unadulterated pleasure and Manning shuddering over me.

He slammed into me and said, “I can’t hold back anymore. You feel too goddamn good.” The thought that I weakened him brought me back to earth. Fascinated and sated, I watched his face screw up, his teeth clench. He grabbed one of my hands, lacing our fingers together as he buried himself in me and came hot and fast.

He gave me all his weight, his chest heaving, our bodies stuck together with a film of perspiration. After some time, he lifted his head. His brown eyes had looked upon me with a rainbow of emotions, and not always positive ones. In them I’d seen regret, anger, frustration. Now, they held a depth of love, something I’d gotten glimpses of and had tried to convince myself was all in my head.

Still hanging on to him with five fingers dug into his back, I asked, “Are you okay?”

“Am I?” He grinned. “Birdy, I have never been better.”

“You’re shaking, too, you know.”

“Yeah, no shit. Am I crushing you?” His body covered all of mine, pressing me into the mattress, hiding me from the rest of the world. The apartment’s icy air cooled my limbs but wherever our bodies touched, I was warm. “Yes. It feels perfect.”

He readjusted his grip on my hand so it no longer felt like he was hanging on for dear life. “I guess I should’ve warned you the first time would be fast,” he said. “I’m not going to pretend I had any control.”

“It was fast?” I asked.

He chuckled. “I plan to lose hours of my life learning all the ways to make you come.”

I blushed a little. He’d shown me pure bliss, yet that was only part of why I was so at ease. “I feel so close to you right now.”

“Me too, Lake.” He smoothed a hand over my hairline, and his fingers caught in my tangles. “You’ve never been more beautiful.”

I started to laugh but stopped when I saw that he was serious. I was sweating, and I knew without looking that my face was red. “But I’m a mess,” I said.

He shook his head, as if in awe. “I did this,” he said, thumbing my warm cheeks, then a mark on my chest. “And this.” He kissed me gently on the corner of my mouth. “Pink swollen lips,” he whispered. “How can you not be the sexiest thing to me when this mess is because I just had you?”

I moaned involuntarily as he took my earlobe between his teeth, the ache between my legs returning. “Can we do it again?”

“Give a man a minute to recover.” He shifted between my legs, still inside me, and I inhaled sharply at the unexpected thrill. But as he reached down to pull out, I noticed the stickiness between my legs and gasped so loudly, he froze.

Oh my God. Oh fuck. We’d had sex without a condom.

It hadn’t even occurred to me until this moment. Being with Manning felt so natural. So real. As if anything outside of us didn’t exist. Except that wasn’t true.

“Manning, we didn’t—”

“I know.” He stared at me, his expression unreadable.

“What do we do?” I asked. Was he in shock? Angry? “What’s wrong? What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I’d like to know if you’re on birth control.”

“I’m not . . . why would I be?”

He dropped his eyes to my chest. I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or upset, but it wasn’t like it was my fault. If anyone should’ve spoken up, it should’ve been him. I couldn’t get pregnant. I was too young. Too broke. I was still in debt because I’d spent the past four years in school to follow my dreams. Dreams that didn’t include children. As the possibility of a baby hit me, the reality of our situation did, too. It’d been easy enough to ignore before we’d given in, but now that we’d had sex, I almost couldn’t wrap my head around what it meant. I’d not only had sex without a condom, but Manning was still someone else’s husband.

I began to sweat for real. “I need to get up,” I said.

He looked up. “Lake, listen.”

“Can you move?”

“Freaking out isn’t going to change the situation.”

“I need to get up.”

“And I need a goddamn minute to lie here with you, Lake. Do you have any idea what this meant to me? I’ve never had this—”

“You’re crushing me,” I cried, avoiding his eyes. He was a married man, and he was unbearably heavy, pinning me, his mistress, to the mattress. And he wasn’t just someone else’s husband. He was Tiffany’s. “Get off. I can’t breathe.”

He rose onto his arms, and I ducked out from underneath him. I pulled the top sheet off the bed, crossing the room as I wrapped myself in it. Maybe it was subconscious guilt, but on my way to the door, my eyes landed on the tiny wooden box on my dresser. The gift Tiffany had given me as her maid of honor. Val had stood in this same spot last night and reminded me of the truth.

He chose your sister, Lake. He married her.

Val would be so disappointed by what I’d done. Once again, I’d ignored the consequences like Manning had said I would. I hadn’t even cared enough about my own sister, my own future, to protect myself. Manning knew I couldn’t say no to him.

Look what you’ve done, Lake.

Tiffany’s accusation the day Manning was arrested was never far from my mind, and this time, there was no doubt it was true. I’d done something awful, and like Val had said, I had nobody to blame but myself. I was an adult now, and using a condom was as much my responsibility as Manning’s.

“Lake, come back here.” I turned to Manning, who sat on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees. “I see your mind spinning.”

“We barely even talked about her,” I said. “We didn’t even . . . we just . . .”

“I know what we did.” He stood and turned away to search the floor. The sight of his naked, tight behind nearly made my heart give out. He was as fit as he’d been that day on the construction site, every muscle visible just beneath the surface. And there, staring back at me, was his subtle, almost invisible tattoo. The thin, black, uneven triangle on the back of his shoulder both warmed and taunted me. I’d always be there, inked onto his skin, but so was that third point. Was it her?

He bent to pick up his boxer-briefs, then pulled them on. “Let’s make something to eat, and then we can figure this out.”

I couldn’t believe I was standing here thinking about his ass after what I’d done. What kind of a person—what kind of a sister—did that make me? Tiffany was no angel, but this was another level of betrayal. “Eat?” I asked. “We just had sex. How can you think about food now?”

“Well . . .” He turned, a corner of his mouth cocked. “I know it was your first time, but typically—”

“I’m serious, Manning,” I said, closing the sheet more tightly around myself. He had a life with her. I knew nothing about it, except I could picture them holding hands, kissing, sleeping in the same bed, because it’d all played out in front of me. Every time they’d come up in conversation with my mom, I’d gotten off the phone. I couldn’t handle it then, and I certainly couldn’t now, naked with Manning’s cum dripping down the inside of my thigh. “We shouldn’t have done this,” I said.

“No?” he asked, wiping the crooked smile off his face. “You look me in the eye and say that, because I’m thinking the exact opposite. That I’ve been a fucking fool for letting so much time pass without you underneath me.”

“You don’t even care that you’ve hurt her,” I accused.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he asked. “Just because I’m not hysterical doesn’t mean I don’t care. I was trying to shield you from some of the pain, but if you want to have a chat about Tiffany, let’s talk.” He cracked his knuckles. “You want me to say I feel like shit for hurting the woman who’s stood by my side the past four years, then—”

“Stop,” I said, covering my ears as I dropped into a squat. “Please stop.”

He got down in front of me, taking my elbow. “Lake, calm down. Come sit and we’ll talk through this.”

“We didn’t use protection,” I choked out. My stomach churned, and for a moment I worried I’d vomit. I wrenched my arm out of his hand. “What were we thinking? You should’ve said something. You should’ve insisted.”

“Don’t pull away,” he said. “I’ve spent a lifetime trying to stay away from you while you did nothing but make it hard for me. Do not pull away now that I can touch you.”

“But it only makes things worse.”

He ran his tongue over his bottom teeth, raising two angry eyebrows. “Worse?”

I hadn’t meant it that way, but the truth was, I’d never been able to think straight or make the right decisions while Manning was around. I was blind around him and always had been. Consequences never mattered until it was too late. I stood and dropped a hand to my side, clutching the sheet closed with the other. “Maybe it’s best we take some time to think. Separately.”

“Too late for that,” he said, taking a firm step toward me. “You can be pissed, or ashamed, or whatever’s happening with you, but you’re going to do it with me here.” He reached for me. “You had your chance to tell me to go, and—”

I stepped back.

“Lake,” he warned. “What did I just tell you? I need to be able to touch you right now.”

Seeing his frustration, how unraveled he was after we’d only had sex once, excited me. I continued to back away and then spun to bolt from the room. The apartment was so goddamn small, the only private place was the bathroom. I went for it, but Manning was faster, blocking the doorway. I retreated around the living room, my back to the wall as he advanced on me. I dragged a kitchen chair between us and he tossed it aside. The front door was my only exit. I knew I’d never leave the building in a sheet, that I was being irrational, and that he’d catch me before I even got to the door—but I ran anyway, to make him chase me, to make him angry.

He caught up with me in the entryway, picked me up by my waist, and threw me over his shoulder. My stomach dropped with excitement and shame. “We can’t do this again,” I said, struggling against him.

“We’ll be doing it for a lifetime, so you’d better get the fuck over it. I’m not going to chase you down every time.”

I had the sensation of falling before my ass hit the kitchen counter. I sucked in a breath, surprised as the sheet fell open, baring me to him. “Manning, I’m serious.”

“So am I, goddamn it,” he said, yanking me to the edge until he was pressed right between my legs. “I’m dead fucking serious. What’d I tell you outside the theater? Once you’re mine, you’re mine, and I’m not going to let you run off.” He took himself in his hand, gliding his head along my slit. I looked down, fascinated. I hadn’t seen us come together before. His tip came back glistening. Was it any surprise that our struggle had left me wet and him hard as granite? Our whole relationship had been push and pull, one long struggle. “You want to know the truth?” he asked. “I’ve dreamed about it more times than I want to admit—coming inside you and claiming your cunt in the most irreversible fucking way.”

My chest tightened, breath sucked right from my lungs with his words. I’d never had the guts to even fantasize about hearing him say something so wrong. So dirty. Knowing how hard Manning had worked over the years to keep me pure, his desperation to ruin me only made me hotter. “Do it again,” I said. “I want it.”

He was poised to enter me, but he didn’t. “I want it, too,” he said, glancing between us, his knuckles whitening as he gripped himself. “But fuck, Lake. I wasn’t thinking straight before. We can’t take the risk.”

Doubt tugged at me—was he not committed, did he not want to stay in New York?—but I knew deep down it wasn’t any of that. Manning had promised he was looking out for me. Getting pregnant was the absolute last thing we needed in our situation.

“Put your arms around me,” he said. “I miss your warmth already.”

I melted a little, pulling myself against his chest. “We’ve done a terrible thing,” I whispered into his neck.

“I know, but you can’t punish me by running. I want nothing more than to make everything up to you. Tell me how to make it right.” He scraped his cheek against mine. “You want me to end things with her before we do this again?” he murmured. “I’ll go straight to the airport, Lake.”

He stayed where he was, almost inside me, and I wanted him. Ashamed as I was, I didn’t think I could send him home to her now. “I don’t want you to go. I’ve waited so long.”

“Then I’ll stay right here with you.”

“For how long?” I asked.

“I don’t know, but I can’t end my marriage over the phone. My flight home is scheduled for Friday.”

Four days. That was all I’d get for now. “I hate her,” I said, trying to picture anything but Tiffany’s face. “I hate her for what she’s done to me, for so many reasons. But I love her, too.”

“I know you do.”

“And so do you.” The cold counter bit my skin through the sheet. “You’ve done all this with her.”

He pulled back to look me in the face. “My need for you is more than anything else. It’s all-consuming.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been with her, and that you love her.”

He took my face in his hands. The warm eyes I’d come to read so well dimmed in a way I’d also, unfortunately, come to understand better than most. My words hurt him. Maybe it wasn’t fair to blame him for loving his own wife, but I hated that I hadn’t been his first love as he’d been mine. That she would always be between us. “Lake.” He had a thick but beautiful neck that conveyed his emotions just like his eyes. The veins were pronounced but elegant, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “You asked me last night if I love her, and I didn’t answer because . . . I’m ashamed that I don’t.”

I shrank from him. It wasn’t the answer I’d expected, and I could see that it pained him to say it. “What?”

“I love her as a friend, and as a person, too—I’ve come to know her well enough to anticipate and even appreciate her tenacity to be who she is without apology. She and I have been through a lot together. But how can I be in love with anyone when you exist?” He put his forehead to mine. “I’m so in love with you, I have been for so long, that there’s no room for anyone else, not even my wife. And it makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit to admit that.”

My chest ached. Were the years of disappointment and sadness worth this moment? I couldn’t help thinking they were. There was no clear answer. I didn’t want to hurt my sister, but I wasn’t going to let Manning go now that I had him. “Promise me,” I said.

As if he felt my surrender, he pressed a hand to my back and my body arched, my breasts into his chest. I wanted him inside me, whatever the cost. “Anything,” he said.

“Promise me you’ll leave her.”

All I’d done for years was analyze and resist and dream. Now, everything I wanted was right in front of me. Tiffany hadn’t hesitated to take it from me.

So I would take it back.