CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
MY PRIVILEGE
PRESENT
JAMES
I woke with a violent start.
A desperate sort of anxiety had a very firm hold of me. I tamped it down as much as I could, but it simmered, always, just beneath the surface.
I was alone in bed, when I shouldn't have been.
I had the foresight to throw on some loose athletic shorts before I headed into the courtyard. There were no security personnel inside the house at night, but there were several on the property, keeping a close eye on the grounds at all hours.
I stormed to the closest guard station, but a dressed down Clark met me before I reached it. He lived in a large guesthouse situated near the back of the estate. It was his home, but it also held the largest guard post on the property. I caught a glimpse of someone behind him whose presence and state of undress surprised me, but I made a point not to stare.
"She's with him," he said shortly.
I nodded, and taking a deep, steadying breath, I turned on my heel and changed directions.
I only knocked once on the door before Javier opened it.
"She's fine," he told me instantly. "They're both fine. I was just about to call you."
"Where?" I asked, still agitated from waking up alone and to a panic that I doubted would ever leave me completely.
"Our bedroom."
I moved past him, headed there.
It didn't even occur to me to ask permission.
Where Bianca was I had a right to be. This was the order of the universe.
Calm, the first I'd felt of it since waking up alone, filled me at the sight I found in their bedroom.
We found them curled together in a heap, Bianca burrowed into Stephan's naked chest, his face buried in her soft hair.
They were beautiful together like that. It made my gut wrench to see it.
What was one's normal reaction to finding the love of your life in bed with another man? Well, I had no trouble picturing what it would have been, if that other man had been anyone else. But Stephan was, of course, the exception to all rules and boundaries.
"It's what we signed on for," Javier said quietly, eyes glued to them. "They're a package deal. There's no way we can claim we didn't have fair warning. And I'm not sad about it."
"Bianca wouldn't be Bianca without Stephan," I said softly, my voice succinct.
Javier nodded solemnly. "And clearly, he'd rather die than lose her."
"I owe him everything." It was debt that was so integral to my being now that I felt it deep, a part of me that resided in the very marrow of my bones.
"He doesn't see it that way."
This was a rare moment for us to talk. "I hope you know that anything I have is yours. Anything, any want or need that either of you have, anything on this earth, know it's yours."
"We know. Thank you."
"Those aren't just words. I mean them literally."
He smiled wide. "Oh I know. We're living in a mansion that you bought us. Doesn't get more literal than that. Aside from this, though, we're simple people. We don't need much to enjoy our lives."
"Well, never hesitate to come to me if you require anything."
He nodded, eyes back on them. "They need each other. I've never seen anything like it, but I know, for a certainty, that if one of them had died in that shooting, the other wouldn't have survived it. They met when they were broken and fixed each other. The things it took to fix them formed them together into something that can't, and shouldn't, be taken apart."
"Perhaps you guys should stay at the house for a bit longer," I said wryly.
They'd been staying at our house since the shooting. This was the first night they'd left our house for theirs. Clearly, that had been a premature development.
"You see, I can't be without her, either," I said softly. "There has to be a peaceful way to share, and her leaving my bed for his is not it."
Javier chuckled softly. "Yes, I can see that. So how should we do this? Shall we move back in tonight?"
I glanced at him briefly before my eyes returned to my woman, locked in another man's arms. I couldn't stand the thought of disturbing her rest. She needed it.
Javier sighed. "We can't just watch them all night. And that bed isn't big enough for four."
I didn't point out that there were lots of other beds. I was pretty sure Javier hated sleeping without his injured Stephan as much as I despised the idea of my bed without Bianca in it.
I was resolute, but not bitter or upset, not about this. I'd made the grievous mistake at the beginning, thinking that patience, and Stephan, were my lesson, the price to be close to her.
Tolerating their closeness was something to be born, to be endured, is what I'd been foolish enough to think.
They were not.
They were my privilege.
I tried to be reasonable and had settled on sleeping at their house, camping out in the closest guest room.
That lasted for about an hour before I took up residence outside their door, back against the wall, arms folded over the top of my knees.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, sleeping in fits and starts for a few more hours.
I went back into the room when I heard their voices.
They were still huddled together on the bed, speaking in low-pitched tones, faces close.
They stopped when they noticed me looming over the bed.
"James," Bianca said softly, rolling onto her back. "I'm sorry. Did I disturb your sleep when I left?"
I shot her an exasperated look, turning my attention to Stephan. "We're heading back over to our house. You and Javier are coming with. Clearly we separated you guys too soon."
He just nodded.
I reached down and snatched Bianca out of his arms and up into mine.
I nodded at him once, kissing the top of her head tenderly before I started to carry her back.
"Are you upset?" she asked as I moved.
"Yes, but not at either of you. It was an upsetting way to wake up, but I'll live."
"I'm sorry. I just woke up, remembered, realized he wasn't in the house, and I had to see him, had to touch him, to reassure myself."
"Trust me, I know the feeling."
Our extensive security had come out in force with all the activity. We'd had to hire several extra people, all carefully chosen by Clark, and I was still getting used to the new faces. It was not an easy adjustment, especially now, as they all lined the path from Stephan's house to ours, a scantily clad Bianca in my arms.
She wore nothing but a thin slip with a whisper of a thong underneath. I almost chastised her for it, with all of the security we had on the property, but I bit my tongue. She hadn't been thinking, she'd been reacting, and I could certainly sympathize with that.
"Is she okay, sir?" one of them asked.
My eyes swung to the young man that had said it. He sounded legitimately worried, as though he cared beyond the job. It raised my hackles a bit, but I smoothed them back down.
I knew more than anyone did just how unreasonably jealous I could be when it came to Bianca. I was working on it, as it was a condition that was both bad for my relationship and my well-being.
I told myself that the man was just doing his job, though a part of me didn't believe it.
Joseph was his name, I recalled. Twenty-five, clean cut. Blond and handsome, in a nondescript kind of way. A blank slate of a man, exactly the kind I felt most threatened by.
"She's fine. Give us some privacy."
They dispersed like a silent cloud, and I tried to shake off my dark thoughts.
I carried her up to our room, settling her in bed.
"Can I get you anything? Are you hurting?"
She was in considerable pain, she admitted, and I brought her pills and water. She downed them and lay down.
I lowered myself carefully beside her, taking her gingerly into my arms.
She (not gingerly) burrowed into me, plastering her lush body to my clenched one. It was as torturous as it was pleasurable.
"I want you," she said into my neck, her hand snaking down.
I stifled a groan and caught her hand, jaw clenched, body throbbing. "No. It's too soon, love. You need to rest. And heal."
She must have agreed, because she fell asleep between one breath and the next.
I, unfortunately, did not, though this arrangement was a marked improvement over the earlier one.
It was the next morning, over breakfast, that I mentioned, "I think Clark and Blake are sleeping together."
"I already guessed," Bianca said, without batting an eye. "They're totally in love. Just mad for each other."
"How long has that been going on?"
"Since the shooting, I think. Nothing like almost losing someone to show you how you really feel about them."
No kidding, I thought.