Erica

 

 

The night before played in my mind's eye over and over as I lay in the bed that next morning. Mitch had been kind and almost sweet when we arrived at his big mansion by the water. The place was decorated warmly, from his wife no doubt. I couldn't have imagined losing someone I loved, and yet there I sat, at the edge of watching Matt walk away.

Mitch and I had shared a drink, and luckily for me, I had time to slip a few pills in his liquor, which was insanely effective. He got dizzy pretty quickly, and I pulled him down the hallway and pushed him back on the bed as he passed out.

It worked like a charm, and yet, I felt empty on the inside. What if he died in the middle of the night? What if Jonathan got to Matt before I did?

I needed to tell Matt everything. I had to.

After rolling around in my cold sheets until just before lunch, I finally pulled myself up and walked to the kitchen. Not having Zek there left the apartment filled with an uncomfortable silence. All I had was my thoughts, which were driving me farther and farther into a deep, dark hole.

I picked up my phone as it dinged with a new text message. Matt.

Hey, baby. I'm at breakfast with Damon but wanted to see if you were free this evening. It'll be around four or so. I just miss you. I want to see you. To touch you. Hold you. Make love to you all afternoon. Tell me how the event went too when you get a chance.

I wanted to respond, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure what to say just yet. He deserved a better woman in his life.

"I thought I was that woman." Confusion swept through me, but I dismissed it. There was no need to tear myself down just yet. There was still a small spark of hope that I could talk to Matt and explain myself. I was going to break the situation open wide for him to see and hear all of it.

Maybe he would understand. I'd done everything I'd done for him. It was a sick misunderstanding, but we could talk it through.

We had to. I couldn't survive without him.

My phone rang again, and I picked it up. My brother.

"Great," I mumbled before pressing it to my ear. "Hello?"

"Mom's not doing so good. I'm out of town and need you to get over there."

"Yeah, well, today's not going to work."

"Erica. For once in your miserable life get over yourself. So you and mom aren't close. So the fuck what. Get over there and sit beside her today. She needs one of us, and I'm tired of being the responsible one."

"Same song. Different verse."

He let out a long, disgusted sound as if his disapproval did anything to me anymore. He'd been dishing it out since we were kids. I was never enough for him or mom. "Just go."

"Fine, but it's your turn next time. Don't think I don't know why you travel, you cock head. There's no reason why you should be gone all the damn time," I barked into the phone and hung up.

Spending the day with my mother would be like opening up my veins and pouring salt in the cuts. There was nothing more painful than being under her scrutiny, no matter how calloused I thought I was to it.

After getting dressed, I paused and finally forced myself to text Matthew that we needed to talk. He tried to call after I sent my text, but I wouldn't have been able to talk. My heart hurt so fucking bad in my chest, and I doubted my goodness.

Tears filled my eyes. Even if I could find my voice, there was no way I was responding based on the mood I was in. I would have told him to find someone else, someone way better than me. He didn't need my drama, and I didn't need to push away the only good thing in my life.

I reached the nursing home and got out, locked the car door and walked as slowly as humanly possible to the front door. A new nurse greeted me as I walked in and asked to be taken to my mom's room.

"She's a little grumpy today, but she had an episode last night and didn't sleep well." The nurse glanced over her shoulder and smiled. "Are you feeling okay? You look a little under the weather yourself. You know we don't allow visitors if they're sick with anything, right?"

I almost agreed with her that I was, in fact, sick with something, but it would have been yet another lie to add to my long list of fuck-ups.

"I'm not sick. Just had a rough night of sleep." I paused behind her as my phone dinged in my purse. I pulled it out to find a text from Mitch.

I had fun last night. I don't remember much, but I'm sure it was incredible. Text me when you're up. I want to see you again.

My stomach twisted into a nasty knot. I wasn't going to text him back or see him again. He had to know that shit. Gratefulness that he was alive swelled inside of me. All I needed was to add murder to my track record where unlovable and torrential fuck-up sat.

"Erica?" My mom sounded horrible like she'd chewed on glass that morning.

"Hi, mom." I walked around the nurse and moved over to her bedside. "Leon said you weren't doing so well."

Her eyes moved around my face a few times before looking out toward the window. "I think I upset your brother. He's not come to see me for a while."

"I doubt that, mom. He loves you very much." I wrapped my arms around myself as if trying to protect myself from the hell that was sure to reign down on me. Matthew had protected me from her wrath the last time I'd come to visit, but he wasn't there now.

Hell, he might not ever be with me again. The thought sent a cold chill down my back. What would I do if things didn't work out with us?

"And you? Do you love me?" She turned her head and bore into me with the same hateful stare I'd seen all my life.

"Of course I do." I was proud of myself for not skipping a beat.

"You're a terrible liar, Erica. You've got too much of your father in you." She cackled loudly.

I sat in a stony silence, not sure what to say or do. I had nothing left to give, and even if I had... she wouldn't have accepted it. My father's passing hurt her too much for her to be around me. I looked like him, acted like him, was him in feminine form.

"Everything okay in here?" The nurse poked her head in the room, and I glanced up, not realizing that an hour had gone by. We hadn't said another word to each other. There was nothing to say.

"Yes. My daughter was just packing up to leave." My mom turned her face toward the window. "Don't bother coming again. I know you don't want to be here, and you know I don't like seeing you."

"Mom-"

"Don't. Come. Again." She jerked her head around and narrowed her eyes. "Period."

I nodded and stood up, knowing better than to fight with her. I picked up my purse and walked to the door as an odd numbness settled in around me. I paused by the door and glanced back to see her one more time. She would die alone because my brother wouldn't make time for her and she refused to let me into her heart or her fucking room.

"I love you," I whispered and walked out into the hall, not having the strength to stand there in hopes of hearing it back. I hadn't since I was a girl. Nothing was going to change with her now.

"Miss Hall," the nurse started, "she didn't mean those things."

"Thank you, but save it. She's always been that way. This is nothing new." I walked to the door and paused, looking back. "Make sure you call me if something happens. My brother is useless."

"Of course." She nodded, the look of pity on her face almost too much for me to bare.

I walked out of the home and made a beeline to a little park bench by a pretty waterfall. I dropped down and pulled out my phone, calling Matt. I needed him more than I needed my next breath.

"Erica?" Damon answered the phone.

Panic consumed me. I jolted up to my feet. "Damon. Where's Matt? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. He's just not having a good day. He'll give you a call-"

"Let me talk to her," Matt barked.

I stiffened as my knees went weak. "Matt?" I choked out.

"We're not getting together today. We are not getting together ever. I'm not sure what the fuck to say to you right now, but I need some space to figure things out."

I choked on a sob. "No. Please. Just let me-"

"Oh. So you do know why I'm upset. Fucking perfect." He growled loudly, and I could almost hear the sound of his heart breaking. "I'm hanging up now, Erica. We'll talk when I figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to say to you."

The line went dead.

"Okay. I love you," I whispered to no one and reached down to get my purse. I dragged it back to the car as the color drained from my vision. I got in the car and closed the door before the first of many screams ripped from my lips.

My heart wasn't just broken; my soul was shredded.

There was no way in hell he was going to listen to me now. Jonathan must have gotten to him first, or fuck, maybe Mitch did.

I got back to the house and walked in to find it still empty. I sat down and pulled out a piece of paper, putting together my resignation for McKenzie and Bryant. I needed time to mourn the loss of everything I loved. No one in my family cared for me, and though I had Lanie, she wasn't enough.

Matt was. Matt was more than enough.

I cried as I folded up the resignation and put a stamp on the envelope. I didn't belong in a big building downtown. I never had. It was all part of the hope that my brother and mother would see me as someone worthy of loving. It was a compromise of sorts, and it was draining me more and more every day.

After cleaning up a little, I packed a bag, called an uber and walked back down to the parking lot. I texted Damon that Matt would need to keep Zek for a few days and then I'd get him back, or Lanie could come get him. I got a quick text back that Damon would deal with it. And to be safe.

Funny how he knew that I had nothing left to do but run.

I dropped the letter in the mail at the edge of the yard about the time the uber drove up. I got in, told the guy where I was going and leaned back. It would be expensive, but I didn’t give a shit. Lanie called moments later, and it was almost uncanny that she knew I was hurting.

"Where are you?" She asked as I picked up the phone.

"I'm in the back of an uber, leaving town." I wiped the back of my hand under my nose as I sniffled.

"What happened?"

"I'm not doing this right now. I'll be in Canada for a few days or a week or a month. I'll keep in touch. Please help me with Zek until I get back."

"Of course, Erica. Let me come with you."

"No. You have your job and stuff. Just help with the puppy."

"I can do that, but I wish you wouldn't-"

"I wish I wouldn't too, but I did. I fucked up on so many levels. I cannot sit here and wallow in what could have been. I need time to myself away from this place, away from everyone. Please just respect that. You're the only friend I have in the world. I need your support right now."

"Then you have it. Be safe and check in. I love you."

"Thank you. I love you too." I dropped the call and rolled down my window. I'd lost everything by trying to be someone I wasn't.

I wasn't a fixer or a gambler or a business woman with high hopes of making millions.

I was just me, and once again... that wasn't nearly enough.