Chapter Thirty-Four
“Life…a continuous process of letting go…”
Char
In their search to find Brian, Angel asked Char to contact Jonas. He told her about his conversation with Brian the last day he’d seen him and asked if he could help in the search. She wanted to accept for Angel’s sake but refused, asking only that he contact them if he ran into Brian. In truth, she couldn’t deal with Jonas’s sad puppy-eyed look every time he saw her. She knew he wanted her, but right now, she wanted no man in her life. Despite many inquiries, the family failed to find any trace of Brian.
On the morning of Thanksgiving Day, Angel and Char went for a walk to Lands End. Angel quietly gazed out over the gray rolling sea. The waves choppy under a blustering wind. She pointed out the place where she’d first found Brian, battered and raw leaning against a boulder just beyond the crest of the hill. “Do you think he finally found a way to slip back in time?”
Char had to lean in to hear the whispered question. “I don’t know? Have you talked with Granny M about it?”
“Yeah, I did. She said it’s hard to tell. She suspects it’s possible. After all, the only other time-traveler she believes she encountered, besides Grandpa, was a medieval knight who showed up in the woods behind her house. She’d been about six or eight years old then. He supposedly disappeared a few days later never to be seen or heard from again.”
“So that’s why she always favored stories about knights of old when we were young.” Char had been privy to many overnight visits and recalled the stories fondly.
“Maybe. I don’t know. Sometimes I used to think she made it all up, but Grandpa assured us the stories were true. After all, it was his story as well.”
Angel lifted her face to the heavens, eyes closed, breathing deeply. “I feel so terrible that I didn’t allow him to visit me those early days after Daniel’s death. In his note, he seemed to believe he’d failed me. What would make him think such a thing? If he hadn’t been there to help, I might have died too.” Another hard sigh escaped.
Angel swiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks. “I love him, you know. Brian that is. Daniel too, of course, but Brian…I thought he was the one, Char. I know he is the one.”
“I’ve suffered the loss of the two most important men in my life. The pain of their absence suffocates me to the point I can’t breathe. I’m in a living nightmare and can’t wake up.”
Char put her arm around Angel’s shoulders. “I know. I feel the same way. I’m glad you’re finished with your treatments and are getting better though. But…” Char took a deep breath before saying her next words.
“But…? No, don’t say it, Char. Don’t you dare tell me you are leaving. I couldn’t bear it. Please, tell me you’re not going away.” Char had been dropping hints for days explaining how much she wanted to travel for a while. Go somewhere absent all these sad memories.
Char turned to face Angel, but couldn’t look her in the eyes, so she grabbed her hands and held them tightly in her own while staring at their feet. “Angel, I’m drowning in misery. I’ve stayed to see you through your crisis, but I must go now. You and the family are all I have left in the world, and I love you all. However, I’m…deeply depressed, and my presence must only add to everyone’s pain.
“Sadly, you are constant reminders of Daniel…of everything that’s happened. Every stupid mistake I’ve ever made has brought me to this point, and every day I find another reason to hate myself until I think I’m slowly losing my mind. I must leave, Angel. I have to.”
Angel swayed through Char’s entire speech. A fragile tree buffeted by sea breeze and painful words. “Please try to understand. Deep inside I know this is the right move for me. At least for a while, I need to be away from everything and everyone that holds me in this wretched sorrow.”
A twisted mask of pain tightened Angel’s skin. She pinched her eyes closed and rubbed a hand over her face. “It isn’t all terrible. The idea that you will disappear like Daniel, like Brian…” A sob tore from her chest, and she pulled her hands away from Char’s grasp. Tears streamed down both their faces as they stepped apart, adrift in waves of anger, loss, and misery.
“I’m so sorry, Angel. I truly am. I’ve discussed this with my therapist. She has mixed feelings about it, but she’s not in total disagreement.” Char’s words rushed from her mouth in a torrent of agony though she tried to put a positive spin on things. “I’m giving you the keys to my house. I decided not to rent it for now. You can use it anytime you want to. I’m leaving the Jaguar, too. Feel free to take it for a buzz around town occasionally, keep the battery from draining.”
“I’ve put together a package with all my personal banking information, my accountant’s and lawyer’s information as well. You are the sole beneficiary in my will, Angel.”
“No, no, no, no!” Angel slapped her hands over her ears. “Stop, please stop. You’re killing me. I can’t take anymore loss.”
Char pulled her friend into a tight hug and whispered against her cheek. “It will all turn out fine, Angel. We just need to give ourselves time and space to heal. But we will heal. I have absolute faith in you, my sweet friend, my true sister. You’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, Char doubted if she would ever be fine again.
Char shook with Angel’s struggle to force air into her lungs while she heaved drenching sobs onto her shoulder. Why had all this happened? Char wanted to scream and beg and threaten, but in the end, she had to go; she and Daniel’s family had to each find their own path to healing.
“This isn’t forever.” Deep in her heart though, this did feel like a forever goodbye. “I’ll stay in touch, I promise.” She squeezed Angel once more and stepped away.
“Let’s go back to the house and enjoy the Thanksgiving feast. There’s still much to be thankful for, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Granny and the folks need our support today. We need to put on our happy faces, and love the ones we have—right?”
Angel released a deep shuddering sigh, her eyes puffy and red-rimmed. She placed the open palm of her hand on Char’s cheek. “Promise me you will take care of yourself and that you’ll give yourself real time to heal. Don’t mindlessly hook up with another man for a while. Then, please, come home to us. Okay?”
She gave her friend a weak smile, then linked their arms and turned them away from the trail.
Char left the Adairs’ house late that night. A fine drizzle and cold wind seeped through her coat. The heavens weep with me.
She’d been preparing herself for this departure since the day after Daniel’s funeral. Originally, she thought she would go back to the cabin where Daniel had died but quickly dismissed that possibility. She’d only sink deeper into her depression there. No, it would need to be somewhere completely new and different. Maybe she’d head east, travel across the Great Plains in a journey reverse to that forged by early settlers and her ancestors who’d come to claim the Wild West. Her destination would be the northeast coast. Today, she’d settle a few final details and tomorrow she’d leave with the rising sun.
* * *
Thin wisps of fog left pale ribbons of white against a glistening dull grey sky. The kind of day she’d expected. It fit so well with her dark mood.
“Well, my love, who could have imagined this as our final parting?” Char trailed her fingers across Daniel’s headstone. She allowed the tears to flow freely as she knelt and placed a bundle of flowers on his grave. She’d gathered the last flowers from vases around the house to make this offering.
“Oh, Daniel, how did everything go so wrong? I can’t imagine my life without you and your family. I’ve barely recovered from the loss of my parents and brother. Why did we allow our passion and love to slip away? I can’t find my true footing without you. I think I never will.” The memory of all their hurtful words and spiteful behavior sank like shards into her core.
A red-tailed hawk screeched overhead, the echo of his call the only disturbance in the morning quiet. Char looked up and watched the bird complete a death-defying dive over the hill, feeling as though she too was falling into a cruel bottomless pit without the benefit of wings to lift her back up. She lay down and stretched her body over the length of Daniel’s grave. The grass, heavy with dew, seeped through her clothing. She remained there racked with sobs until the chill penetrated her bones. Finally, she kissed the ground and stood. The vast reservoir of tears had dried up leaving salty tracks on her cheeks. “Goodbye, my love.”
This final, ultimate loss extinguished whatever light had remained in her life. A weight settled on her chest. Her insides, carved clean like a hollowed-out gourd, tightened into a hard knot.
Now, more determined than ever to leave, she trudged out of the cemetery her feet slogging through the drenched grass. Her thoughts drifted through a blank and desolate future as she headed home. And then, she’d be gone.