Chapter 8
I ran into Hannah in my bio 202 class the next day. It was cruel, but the university required that we have at least six credits in science, and I only had three. Once again, I figured bio would be the way to go since it would be a huge class and I could probably show up or not show up and no one would know.
“Hey, stalker,” Hannah said as I sat next to her. The classroom was one of the larger on campus, with what looked like stadium seating. Too bad we’d all be falling asleep and learning about ribosomes instead of watching an awesome movie, or a rock concert.
“Maybe you’re stalking me.” There were quite a few empty seats around her, and I hoped they stayed that way.
“Told you, I’m a people repeller,” Hannah said, leaning back in her seat. “Skittles?” She had another fresh bag and held it out to me.
“No, thanks. I can’t eat Skittles without M&M’s.”
“You serious?” She tossed a handful into her mouth and a few clattered to the floor.
“Yeah. It’s not crazy, if you think about it.” I’d explained this quite a few times. “Skittles are like fruit, right? And M&M’s are chocolate. So it’s like chocolate-covered fruit. You should try it. Could change your life.”
Hannah gave me a dubious look and munched her Skittles.
“I’ll take your word for it.”
The class filled up and the seats nearest us were the last to be filled by stragglers. Hannah and I spent most of the class writing notes back and forth because, honestly, it was boring as hell. I somehow managed to stay awake, but that was mostly due to Hannah. My second class of the day, something called the Nature and Language of Math, was equally boring and sleep-inducing.
I went right back to the house after class and found it pretty quiet. Since there were so many people living in the house and everyone had something going on, Darah had made a chart on a whiteboard so everyone could write where they were when. I erased the words at class and wrote home next to my name.
Taylor and Mase were the only ones home. I heard the washing machine going and some loud music coming from the man cave downstairs. Guess I couldn’t go to my room. Instead, I threw myself on the leather sofa and sighed.
“That sounded like a heavy sigh.” Taylor’s voice pierced the quiet. I sat up to find her leaning against the stairs.
“It wasn’t, really.” She came and sat on the recliner, leaving me the entire couch.
“So what do you think of UMaine? Is it everything you expected?”
I shrugged.
“It’s college. Pretty much like any other.”
“Still. Everything going okay?”
She was fishing and not doing a very good job of it.
“Renee tell you to talk to me?” I grabbed the remote and turned on the massive television, flipping around until I found something decent. And by decent I meant a marathon of Behind the Music on VH1.
“If I say no, you’ll know that I’m lying, so yes. She’s just worried about you.”
“Well, she’s got lots of company in that department.”
“I know things are kind of crazy for you right now, but I swear, they will get better. And lashing out feels good when you do it, but living with the consequences kind of sucks. I should know. I punched Hunter when I first met him. He’s got a hell of a hard face.” Renee hadn’t told me that story.
“You did?”
She smiled as if it was a fond memory and shook her head.
“Yeah. He kind of cornered me, and I have a bit of a claustrophobia issue. To be fair, he totally deserved it.” I could imagine him provoking her. It seemed to be one of his favorite things to do.
“I bet he did. How did you go from that to...being disgustingly in love?”
She laughed.
“He’s persistent. And has a high tolerance for me being mean and shoving him away.”
“Huh.” Sounded familiar.
She kicked out the footrest on the recliner and squinted at me, as if she was deciding something.
“I was nearly raped, when I was younger. It was my sister’s older boyfriend, Travis, and he tried to rape her, too. She got over it and I never did. Hunter was the first guy that I let touch me. There was something about him that made me feel safe in a way I’d never felt safe before. I trusted him, even when I told myself not to. I let him in before I even knew that’s what I was doing. Sometimes you meet people like that. By the time you realize you’ve let them into your life, it’s too late, and usually by that point you can’t see life without them.”
I knew exactly what she was talking about, and I found myself twisting the elephant charm on my bracelet. Yeah, I knew what she was talking about. But sometimes, those people get taken from you, and there’s nothing you can do to get them back.
Even if she and Hunter broke up—which I couldn’t see happening—he was still alive. She could wake up every morning and know that, even if she didn’t see him, he existed in the world somewhere.
“So yeah, that’s my story, the abridged version, and now things are...really good.” Yeah, I could see that. She stared down at her ring and twisted it on her finger.
“Has anyone even stopped to think that I wasn’t okay before, and I am now? Just because I looked like I was keeping things together and was this perfect person doesn’t mean I was doing okay. Maybe that was my master plan, to make everyone think that.” Taylor thought about that for a second.
“Like reverse psychology? Wow, you are smart. I wish I would have thought of that instead of just being a bitch to everyone. That probably would have worked a lot better than violence.” Footsteps sounded on the stairs, and Mase emerged from the basement, his face with a sheen of sweat on it and his arms busting from the thin tank top he was wearing.
“What are you doing down there? If I didn’t know that Darah was at work, I’d swear you guys were going at it,” Taylor said.
Mase smiled and went to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were these arms.” He flexed and his arms bulged. They were, like, the size of my neck. “Gotta do some maintenance to keep them nice for Dare.”
“One of those crazy workout videos again?” Taylor said, pretending to punch him. He collapsed, pretending she’d wounded him.
“You’re welcome to join anytime.”
“Yeah, I’d rather not. Kickboxing all the way.” He gulped down some water and wiped his face on her sleeve.
“Ugh! You are disgusting!” She screamed and he chased her around the living room as the door opened.
“Someone want to explain?” Hunter said, setting his bag down and watching as Mase growled at Taylor and she dived behind the recliner. “Dude, you are my family, but if you’re going after my girl, I will have to pound your ass,” Hunter said, but he wasn’t serious.
“Aren’t you coming to rescue me? Isn’t that your job?” Taylor squealed as Mase dragged her out and tried to put her head under his sweaty armpit.
“Oh, no, baby, you’re on your own. It’s all you, Miss. I’m just enjoying the view.”
“Douche bag!” She managed to pinch Mase’s side and wiggle out from under his arm and rush toward Hunter.
“See if I do anything nice for you anytime soon.” It didn’t take a genius to figure out she was talking about sexual favors. Disgusting.
“How was your day, Little Ne?” Mase moved my feet and sat down next to me. I hoped he wasn’t going to wipe his sweat on me. Not that it would be any different than being at home with my siblings who often used my jeans and shirts as tissues.
“Same as yesterday. It will probably be the same tomorrow.”
“Wow, don’t sound so depressed. Most people your age would love to be living in this house. I mean, what more could you want?” He gestured to the beautifully furnished house.
Freedom to do what I wanted. Freedom from being watched and criticized. But Mase wouldn’t understand that.
“Nothing, I guess. You can ignore my bitching if you want,” I said.
“Please tell me you won’t sync your period with the rest of the ladies in the house. It’s bad enough, and now the guys are outnumbered,” Mase said.
“I’ll give it a shot, but no promises.” He held his fist out and I bumped it with mine and then we exploded at the same time and I couldn’t help but laugh. Hunter sat down on the recliner and Taylor sat in his lap.
“So, I’ve got a performance this weekend. You guys in?” he said.
Mase nodded. I was missing something.
“Performance?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m in this a cappella group, the Steiners. God, that still sounds lame when I say it out loud. I was sort of forced to join after someone saw a poster for auditions,” Hunter said, staring at Taylor.
“I’m someone,” Taylor said, raising her hand. “And you should come. It’s actually really cool. Dusty’s in it, too. He’s their beat boxer.”
I wasn’t even surprised. Dusty Sharp was destined to show up in my life. I might as well accept it.
“We might even do a certain song that I think you’d like. I can put in a request,” Hunter said.
“Sure, why not? It’s not like I have anything better to do.” I needed to get a job soon, but I hadn’t talked to Renee about it yet. The plan was to find something, get myself hired and then tell her about it later so she couldn’t say anything about it.
My first inclination, when I found out that there was a Bull Moose close to campus, was to try there, but now that I knew Dusty was there, that was out. I just wanted to do something that wouldn’t suck, but the chances of that happening were pretty slim. Still, I’d have to start looking. Maybe Hannah would have some ideas.
“Awesome. You’ll like it, I swear,” Taylor said, tracing Hunter’s number seven tattoo. Paul was the only guy in the house without any ink. I’d considered getting some myself, especially now. I wanted something on my body that reminded me of him. Something that would make me think of him and what little time he’d been in my life that would influence me. That was what I missed the most, second to him. It was his influence.
But I knew Renee would have a litter of two-headed kittens if she found out I was even considering getting inked. I’d have to wait until she’d stopped watching me like a hawk. It was something to think about. Soonish.
Soon everyone was home and the dinner-making commenced. It was Renee and Paul’s turn and they opted for pasta again, since they could make a ton of it and different sauces and satisfy everyone. I lurked in the kitchen, feeling crappy about the conversation I’d had the night before with Renee. I was pretending to work on my homework for the next day, but I couldn’t focus on it.
She was busy informing Paul the correct way to cook pasta, and he was taking it in stride. He was a saint, I swear. I couldn’t understand why he put up with her, except that he must really love her this time.
“My God, Paul, it’s not rocket science, which you happen to know.”
“I’m not a rocket scientist,” he said, leaning back and giving me a look.
“Clearly not,” she snapped.
“I’m going to go...be somewhere else,” he said, heading for the living room, where the rest of Yellowfield House was engaged in homework warfare. Renee put her hand on her head as if she had a headache when he left.
“I swear, he gets on my last nerve sometimes.” She turned off the pasta pot and leaned back against the counter. “It’s a lot, you know? Living together.”
“Do you regret it?”
“No, definitely not. It’s just...sometimes I wonder if we moved too fast. Getting back together and then the house and everything. But that’s none of your business. I’m fine. How was school today?” My mother had never been the one to ask me that when I got home every day. It was always Renee who wanted to know about my assignments and so forth.
“It’s fine. Pretty much the same.”
“Are you still okay with your major?”
“Yeah. It’s fine.”
She shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what I was saying.
“I never thought you would say that. I remember when we were kids and you snuck out of bed to watch the election results. I used to think you were a robot, or that there was at least something seriously wrong with you.”
Yeah, I remembered that little girl. She’d grown up, and now she was gone.
“Pasta’s getting cold,” I said, using my pen to point at the large pot. Renee seemed to snap herself back into place and remember that she was in the middle of making dinner. She went back to the sink and drained the pasta as I took my unfinished homework downstairs. I’d deal with it later. I had at least done the reading and made notes for Pam’s class. No way I was looking like a moron in that class.
Dinner was pretty quiet. Darah was at work, so there was one less member, and it felt weird to not have her there, getting on everyone about putting their elbows on the table and using napkins and not damaging the finish on the table.
Renee and Paul seemed to be okay again. I caught him whispering in her ear and giving her a hug. He always knew the right things to say to her. Most often, the best thing to do with Renee was to make her think she’d gotten her way and give her some space to realize that she didn’t know everything. She’d come around and apologize and promise never to do it again, even though she’d do it again in two hours.
* * *
“At the risk of sounding like I’m asking you out, do you want to come to this thing I’m going to this weekend?” I said to Hannah before class the next day.
“What kind of thing?”
“One of the guys I live with is in the Steiners and they’re doing a show at the Union and everyone in my house is going.”
“Wow, you know one of the Steiners? It’s crazy hard to get into. Plus, guys who can sing are super hot.”
“He is pretty hot, but he’s taken.”
She sighed and got out her bag of Skittles. She must have a case of them in her dorm room or something. “The good ones usually are.”
“Still, you could meet my pseudo family. If you wanted to.”
“Sure, why not? Beats sitting in my dorm room and watching a bunch of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“I’ve never seen that show,” I admitted. It never really appealed to me when it was originally on.
She shook her head sadly. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll come to see the Steiners with you if you come and hang out and watch two episodes of Buffy with me on Sunday.”
Renee would be pissed if I said yes without asking permission.
“Deal,” I said, holding out my hand.
Pam called the class to order and I snapped my head forward. She called roll and seemed pleased that I was still here. And of course I was the first one she called on, but I was freaking ready. She fired questions around the room like Ping-Pong balls and you had to think fast. Hannah got a few tough ones, but she volleyed with the best of them. Pam seemed satisfied with both of our answers, and I was glad I’d survived by the end of it.
“Bravo, girl. You did good.” We didn’t talk about getting lunch—we just sort of walked toward the Union anyway. I heard a girl walk by and gasp when she saw Hannah’s face.
“Take a picture. It lasts longer, bitch,” she said under her breath. “I know I seem all Zen about this.” She waved her hand to indicate her burn. “But sometimes, I just want to wear a fucking mask or scream at people or something. I mean, at least in the olden days I could have joined a freak show and made some money or something.” Wow.
She yanked open the door and didn’t hold it for the person coming in behind us, who muttered under his breath.
“Suck it,” Hannah said in response, but not loud enough for him to hear.
We got our food and found a table.
“It’s just like, yes, I have a burn, but it’s not like I’m disabled or mentally challenged. Also, I’m not deaf. I can hear it when people are talking about me, and it pisses me off. But you know what would happen if I freaked out and yelled at people? Fucking nothing. So why waste the words?” She exhaled slowly. “Okay, I’m done. Pity party over. I’ve shut it down.” She made a slashing motion with her hand.
“Keep going if you need to. It doesn’t bother me.” At least she had something to actually be pissed about. Unlike some people who couldn’t breathe without bitching about something that didn’t need to be bitched about.
“Nah, I hate going to that place. It just gets me down sometimes, but I swear, I’m back.” She smiled and picked up her burger. “So none of the guys you live with are single?”
“Nope. Not one. There are three couples...and me. It’s a bit like living in a weird reality show.”
“It sounds kind of awesome, not going to lie.”
“Yeah, sure.”
Sensing my reluctance, Hannah switched subjects.
“So, you found any man candy?”
“Not if you count my other stalker,” I said, picking up a French fry I’d dropped on the floor.
“Um, details?” She snapped her fingers.
“It’s not even anything worth talking about. He’s just this guy who keeps popping up. He’s friends with one of my roommates. Actually, you’ll get to see him on Saturday. He’s a Steiner.”
“Oh, really?” She raised and lowered her eyebrows suggestively. Wow, she was reading way too much into this.
“It’s seriously not like that. It’s not anything. I shouldn’t have even brought him up.” Why had I brought him up?
“What about at UNH? Did you have a guy there?”
Oh, fun. The ex talk. “Yeah, I did. We broke up this spring.”
Hannah’s eyes lit up.
“Sounds like there is a story there.”
There was, but I wasn’t going to share it with her.
“Not really. He was in love with a girl I wasn’t. Took both of us a while to realize it, but eventually he did.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yeah, I did.” I couldn’t lie about that. I had loved Matt, but that love was part of that other girl, and when I let go of her, I let go of that love. It was easier than it should have been. “And what about you? How about we talk about your love life?”
Hannah laughed.
“Yeah, that’s a really short story. It can be summed up like this...” She held up her hand, making a circle. She peered at me through the hole in the middle. “That’s it. There aren’t a whole lot of guys lining up to fuck the freak.”
Jesus, she was blunt. I liked it.
“I usually have to get them good and drunk first, but by then they usually can’t perform, so I end up leaving them to sleep it off.”
Was she serious?
She burst out laughing.
“I am totally screwing with you, and the look on your face was totally worth it. I haven’t really done the boyfriend thing.”
“Ever?”
“I spent my high school prom at home with my cat, so that pretty much gives you an accurate picture of my dating history. I’m not bitter about it—don’t get me wrong. I guess I’m just old-fashioned, at least when it comes to that. I don’t want to waste my time on a guy that I’m not going to spend my life with, you know? I don’t see the point in dating a bunch of losers just for the chance of finding out one of them might be decent. I trust my instincts when it comes to people. Haven’t been wrong yet.” She winked at me and stole a fry from my plate and popped it into her mouth.
I wished I had her confidence in my own instincts. Right now, I didn’t trust them at all.