Chapter 23
Having sex with Dusty put our relationship in some sort of relationship time machine. Where I was with Matt after years of being with him, I got beyond after only a few days with Dusty. Mostly because we spent every moment of time we could, together.
I was a little reluctant to fool around at Yellowfield House after the first time, so I started staying over at his place. It wasn’t as nice, of course, but it didn’t matter, as long as we were together. Plus, Napoleon slept with us, and the first time I woke up and found Dusty curled around the sleeping kitten, I swore my heart was going to explode from the sweetness of it.
I got my bucket of candy back from Hannah when I went to see her to give her the good news about Dusty and also to apologize for throwing her out and for general craziness.
“Dude, it’s okay. I’ve been there. In fact, your crazy wasn’t as good as mine. I’ll tell you about it sometime.”
I also had to give her nearly every detail of my sexual exploits, and it was like she was reading Cosmopolitan and taking notes for later use.
“Humming,” I said.
“Humming?” She looked puzzled.
“Humming,” I said with a wink. “Just trust me on this one.”
Tuesday I attended my first meeting at the paper, and Brett gave me my first assignment, a battle of the bands on campus featuring groups like Zoom Zoom Bang, Lader Vader and Sterling Silver Lining. I got to know some of the other writers, and they all seemed both cool and unintimidating, which was good.
“So what are you doing on Saturday night?” I said to Dusty that night as we lay in bed at Yellowfield House after a hushed naked session. I’d hinted to Hunter that it might be a good idea for everyone if they soundproofed the basement, but it hadn’t happened yet.
“Um, hopefully doing more of this with you.” He stroked my thigh and then kissed where his hand had been. “I still haven’t counted all these freckles.”
“Not for lack of trying,” I said, tracing his tattoo with my finger. “But I have to cover the battle of the bands, and I wanted to know if you’d come with me. It’ll probably be awful, but it will suck less if you’re there.”
“Sure, Red.” He kissed his way up my leg, and I had the feeling I was going to be incoherent again very soon.
I’d been so scared of him finding out about my role in Nathan’s death, and just like that, it didn’t matter. I’d spent nearly a year hating myself and hating the world and just hating everything, and it had been the ultimate waste of time.
This was what Nathan had meant when he said, “Live the day.” He didn’t mean getting drunk, or completely abandoning who I was, or isolating myself. I knew that this, these moments with Dusty, and the moments with Renee and Hannah and the rest of the people who loved me, those were what life was about. And music, of course. Life wasn’t worth living without it.
“What do you want for your birthday?” Dusty said a little while later after we’d gotten tangled up again.
“You’ll think of something,” I said, still panting a little. He knew how to wear a girl out.
“How about a truckload of candy?” He set his chin on my stomach and I stroked his head.
“I’m still working through the bucket you got me before.” It was in the corner of my room, and barely a third was gone. There was a shit ton of candy in there.
“Or oral-sex coupons?”
“I need coupons to get that now?”
He smiled.
“No, just kidding. You’re right—I’ll think of something.”
“I love you,” I said. If there was one thing I loved more than actually loving Dusty, it was getting to say it out loud.
“Love you, too, Red.”
“Do you think he’s in heaven? Nathan?” I said. Dusty and I hadn’t talked much about him, since it was still such a fresh wound for both of us, but we needed to. We couldn’t move on together until we had dealt with our shared past.
“I never used to believe in something like an afterlife, but I feel like...now, that I kind of have to. That I have to believe he went somewhere beautiful and happy and safe, because if anyone deserved to go there, it would be Nate.”
I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant.
“He’d tried to get me clean so many times, and it was him dying that finally did it. That night when you met me at the hospital, I was at my support group meeting for addicts.”
“Isn’t that supposed to be anonymous?” Dusty crawled up my body until we were face-to-face again.
“You won’t tell anyone, right?”
“Cross my heart,” I said, crossing my hand over my chest, which drew Dusty’s attention to that area.
“Do that again.” I did. “I love watching you touch yourself. Do you know how much of a turn-on that is?”
Men. They had a one-track mind.
“Eyes up here, buddy,” I said, putting my hand under his chin and raising it so I could meet those glorious green eyes.
“Right. Support group.” He tried to get himself focused again.
“When did you start going?” I moved my hand to the top of his head and started moving it in circles, and he closed his eyes.
“Right after Nate’s funeral. I was high for it, because I thought that was the only way I could get through it. That was the only way I got through life back then. I don’t know how much he told you about our dad, but he’s nothing to brag about. He bailed on Nate’s mom and mine as soon as he could and skipped town to find his next woman. I have these dreams sometimes that I have all these other half siblings out there that I don’t know about and someday I’ll run into one of them.
“I was sitting there, at the funeral, and all I could think was how it was my fault and how ashamed Nate must have been to have me as a brother. And it clicked that I didn’t have to let him down anymore. I could try and live my life in a better way. So I went home and got rid of all the drugs and the booze and went to my first group meeting the next day. It was hard, at first. I had a lot of people in my life that had fed my habit, but I got rid of them all, and then I met Hunter and he was my first sober friend in a long time. He made it look so easy.”
He opened his eyes and sighed.
“It took a lot of work, but I did it because it’s what Nate would have wanted.”
“He called you Buzz, when he talked about you. I always thought it was because you had a buzz cut or you were, like, Buzz Lightyear or something.”
Dusty laughed a little.
“No, it’s because when I was little, I was obsessed with making noises and I used to make a buzzing noise that drove my mother crazy. She and Nate’s mom used to get us together sometimes so we could bond, and I was always doing that, so Mom and Nate and everyone else called me Buzz. I miss him so much it physically hurts.” Dusty rolled onto his back, pulling me so I was resting against his shoulder. I wrapped our legs together, and he danced his fingers up and down my back.
“I know. I miss him, too. When we first met, I thought he was trying to pick me up. I’d gone to this stupid frat party with my friends, and they were all wasted and going home with other guys, so I didn’t have a ride, and he just came up to me and said he’d take me anywhere I wanted to go.”
Dusty kissed the top of my head.
“He used to do that. Go to parties and rescue girls. He told me about it, and I accused him of trying to pick them up, or take advantage, because that’s what I would have done. I told you, I was kind of a dick back then.”
“Well, he did rescue me, and in a way, him offering me a ride at that party led me to you. So he kind of picked me up for you, in a twisted way.” I looked up at him.
“He always did have good taste.”
We both smiled and shared a soft kiss that might have led to more, again, but I stopped it.
“It feels wrong, still, to be this happy with you.”
“I know, Red, but it’s going to take time. I have these moments in the middle of the night when I have this horrible fear that everything with you was a dream and I wake up and then you’re right there beside me. I never thought something as good as you could happen to someone like me. I don’t deserve this, but I’m going to take it,” he said with a kiss on my nose, “and savor it—” he moved down to the corner of my lips “—and savor it, and savor it...” The kisses went lower and lower until I was the one doing the, um, savoring.