Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Holy shit.
I’m so many emotions all rolled into one. Angry and sad and confused…and happy? The verdict is still out on the last one. Maybe relieved is a better word. Seeing an older version of myself staring back at me is surreal. Something I never thought I’d ever see. I’d given up all hope.
But now…
Now, I’m staring her right in the face.
Life has been hard on her. Age has wrinkled her face. Drugs have ruined her skin, hair, and teeth. But she smiles. Her smiles are infectious. I’m drawn to them.
Nerves overtake me and I fidget. She takes my hand again. My eyes flit to a silver bangle bracelet on her wrist. Without thinking, I reach over and tap it with my nail. It pings. The sound soothes my nerves.
Pingpingpingping.
I look up at her and she’s still smiling.
Pingpingpingping.
“I thought maybe we could spend some time together,” my mother says. “And then who knows?” Her gaze falls to my stomach. “I’m a grandma. This is such wonderful news, honey.”
My heart clenches in confusion. On one hand, I dare to hope for a future with my mother in my life. On the other hand, I want to protect my unborn fetus from my mother’s abandonment. Because, surely, she isn’t here to stay. How can I trust her?
“I’m overwhelmed,” I admit, my nail continuing to tap at her jewelry.
Pingpingpingping.
“It’s okay,” she assures me, her tone motherly—so motherly I start to cry. “Come here, honey.”
I’m pulled into her embrace and I’m helpless. I let the woman who gave birth to me wrap me up in her bony arms. I let her kiss my hair and sing a nursery rhyme that I’m pretty sure doesn’t make sense. I close my eyes and imagine myself at three years old. Back when I would have nightmares and plead for my mommy to come save me.
She’s here.
Saving me?
I wish Tyler were here.
The thought is sudden and sad. He’d know what to do. If anyone saved me, it was him. He always swooped in and took care of things. A loud sob wrenches from me. My pregnancy hormones are intense and sometimes I cry for hours as I mourn him.
“I’m here now.” She strokes my hair. “I can come and help you take care of the baby. Who’s the father?”
I jerk away and swipe at my tears, tossing my own question back at her. “I don’t know. You tell me. If Carl isn’t my father, who is?”
Her lip curls up. “Your daddy wasn’t worth anything. Ricky went to the pen for life after he gutted a cop. I was pregnant with you when he did that. He died a few years back.” She beams at me. “Don’t you worry, honey, the trash took itself out. It’s just you and me, kid.”
I can’t process all of this. Too much. Too freaking much. “I, uh, I…”
“Is the deaf guy the father?”
Deaf guy?
I shake my head. “He’s not deaf, he’s—”
“Wow, this house is big, Mo,” Carl hollers as he bounces back into the room. “But would you believe it ain’t got windows?”
My mother scoffs. “Don’t be silly, honey.”
“I swear to Jesus in a manger!” he hoots. The manger reference makes me flinch. “They’re fake on the outside. I was testing one of the locks,” he says, grinning wolfishly my way. “Makin’ sure you were protected, baby girl. Anyway, fake as hell. I came back inside to investigate and there are no windows. Damn weirdest thing I’ve ever seen!”
I start to explain the history of the house, but the words die on my lips. “We have pizza coming. Maybe stay for dinner?”
“Of course!” they both yell in unison.
I stare down at my uneaten pizza. Bile rises in my throat. I’m stressed out about having my birth mother and her husband here. Even more stressed that Torin has refused to come back out.
“It’s gettin’ late,” Carl observes and then leans closer to me. “Mona wanted to ask…” We both follow his gaze to my mother as she stands at the sink happily loading the dishwasher. I want to know her because she’s a part of me, but I’m scared.
“What?”
“Well, we’re a couple hours’ drive from here. The hotels we passed were a bit fuckin’ expensive. And since the house is so big and all…” He trails off and frowns. “Any room for your stepdaddy and momma for the night?”
My mother turns to smile at me again. I wish I had pictures of her when she was younger and had all her teeth. Did we look just alike?
“Uh, sure,” I tell him absently. “I’ll show you to one of the guest rooms.”
“One of the guest rooms,” he mimics in a girl voice. “Fancy.”
I force a smile. “Come on. I’ll show you around and then maybe we can talk more in the morning. I’m so tired.”
My mother walks over to me and hugs me. “The baby needs rest. We’ll be here in the mornin’.”
“Torin?”
He’s nowhere to be found. I’ve searched the house from top to bottom. He hurt my feelings by disappearing when I needed him most. I just need some reassurance. Misty meows when I sit beside her on his bed. I absently stroke her fur as I text him.
Me: Where are you?
Torin: Working.
My heart sinks.
Me: Bad timing, eh? That was my biological mother. I kind of needed your support.
Torin: She’s not a good person.
Me: So you left me alone with her?
Tears pool in my eyes, blurring the screen. My emotions are all over the place, heightened by my pregnancy.
Torin: Check your email.
I want to scream at him and throw my phone against the wall. Instead, I step out of my yoga pants and crawl into bed. Exhaustion seeps into my bones. When I open my email, I’m surprised to find many attachments from Torin.
Pictures. Guy meeting with my mother and Carl.
Money exchanging hands for information.
Even a sound clip of a phone conversation between Carl and Guy.
Then, I find correspondence between Guy and Tyler. Guy blackmailing Tyler—telling him he’d keep my identity and location safe from my mother and Carl as long as the money kept coming. Once Tyler died, it would appear that Guy switched sides and worked with Carl and my mother in hopes to syphon out more money from the Kline name.
I knew I couldn’t trust them.
No matter how much I wanted to, I knew better.
Emotion immobilizes me. I’m dying to go find them in the guest room and scream at them to get out of our house. Instead, I close my eyes and let sleep take over.
I wake to someone licking my neck. Hot. Familiar. Mine. Now that I’m pregnant, he’s careful of my stomach. He keeps his giant frame from fully smashing me against the bed whenever he deems it necessary to look after me.
And oh, do I need looking after.
I need whatever it is he somehow gives to me and I need it in loads.
My fingers slide into his hair and I pull his head until it rests against mine. “I’m sorry for the things they said to you,” I breathe in the darkness.
His lips brush against mine. Not a kiss, but as close as I get when I’m with Torin. “Casey-Casey.”
“You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry. In the morning,” I say, letting out a sigh, “I’ll make them leave. I knew it wasn’t real.”
His teeth find my bottom lip and he tugs. “This. Is. Real.”
I’m so stunned by his words that I choke on a sob. His lips rest against mine. Dominant and possessive. We don’t need Dr. Cohen or my mother. We don’t need anyone when we have each other.
“This is real,” I agree, my voice shaking. “I love you, Torin.”
“I breathelicktastetouchsmellfeelneed you.”
I’m smiling at his words as he paws at my clothes. Soon, I’m naked and he’s inside me. His touches are more frequent in the bedroom and less forced. Maybe, with time, those touches will move outside of the bedroom too. One day, maybe he can hold our child in his arms and kiss its forehead.
Some people dream of careers or beach houses or a fancy life.
I dream of this.
Us.
Happiness.
“This. Is. Real,” Torin grits out, his sweaty body sliding against mine with each thrust.
My fingers slide to his shoulders and I clutch onto him. “Don’t stop.”
“Casey-Casey.”
His body rubs up against mine in such a way that I climax hard and without warning. This always spurs him on because two thrusts later and he’s spilling inside me. He collapses over me but doesn’t crush me. I seek him out in the dark and pull his face to mine. My lips part to tell him how much he means to me.
And then he does the unthinkable.
He presses his lips to mine firmly and inserts his tongue into my mouth. Feral and hungry and uncoordinated. But it’s there. Tasting and adoring me. I melt under his kiss.
That’s exactly what it is.
A kiss.
It doesn’t last long, but it gives me hope for more in the future. Through my tears, I thank him.
“You’re my family, Torin.”
He grunts as his nose nuzzles against mine. “Mine.”
I wake in the middle of the night needing to pee and have to crawl out from under Torin’s heavy sleeping form. I make my way past three annoyed cats. And then, I throw on a robe. The house is dark, per usual, so I light a candle to guide me through it. Once I finish my business in the bathroom, I walk downstairs, candle in hand, to Tyler’s old office. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep at night, I go inside and sit. I used to think it smelled like him and that’s why I love it so much. Now, I just realize it’s a quiet place where I can think about him undisturbed. When I sit at the desk and set down the candle, I smile to see a shiny penny sitting on the surface.
My Torin.
He’s quite romantic all things considered.
I’m smiling as I lean back in the leather chair, the penny between my finger and thumb.
Creak.
I lift my gaze expecting to see my lover, my friend, my Torin. Instead, I see Carl. He’s not smiling. Behind him stands my mother. Unease flutters in my chest.
“Didn’t expect for you to be awake.” His eyes flit past me to Tyler’s safe behind the desk.
“Did you need something?” My tone is clipped. I don’t have the energy to yell at them and send them away. In the morning, I will.
My mother steps into the room and swats at the light switch, bathing us in the harsh overhead lights. Her smile is gone too. “We need some money.”
Of course they do.
Everything Torin sent me earlier suggested as much.
“How much?” I challenge the woman who gave birth to me and left me to die with a hard glare.
Her blue eyes twinkle with greed. “A lot.”
“Why should I give you any money?”
She huffs and waves a shaking hand at me. “You don’t want me in your life, honey. This life is too pretty and perfect. People like me and Carl don’t belong. We’ll go. You can raise your baby with the slow one and you can be happy. My gift to you.”
I pick up the pen on the desk and absently click the end of it. “I’ll give you a thousand dollars. Just go away and never come back.”
Click. Click. Click.
Carl guffaws. “A thousand? You gotta be shittin’ me right now. How’s about twenty thousand? That’s what Guy got and more. Am I right?”
“I don’t have twenty thousand dollars!” I shriek.
Clickclickclickclick.
“Well, that’s what it’ll take,” Mona snaps. She may have squirted me out of her body, but she is nothing to me.
“Or what?” I demand.
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.
“For Christ’s sake, take that pen away from her,” Mona orders, her voice no longer sweet.
I cry out when Carl knocks it out of my hand. He grabs my wrist and hauls me to my feet. “Get us the money.”
“Torin has video cameras everywhere,” I lie. “The police are on their way.”
Carl barks out more laughter. “No, he doesn’t. We’ve been in just about every room in this house.”
Disgust washes through me. I let them into our home. I did this. “Please just go.”
He hauls me over to the safe and points. “Open it. Give us what we want and we’ll go.”
I jerk my hand from his grip and bend over to mash the buttons on the safe. When I pull it open, he pushes me aside.
“I’ll take it from here.”
“You said twenty thousand,” I snap.
Mona cackles from behind me. “Take everything inside.”
“You bitch,” I seethe, turning my glare to her. “You’re a vile human.”
“And just think, you could have been saddled with me your entire life,” she taunts. “I did you a favor, honey.”
“Holeeee shit,” Carl says with a whistle. “There’s a lot of cash in here.”
I watch in frustration as he stuffs every bundle of hundreds from the safe into the bag. When he starts shoving paperwork into the bag, I yell at him.
“That stuff is worthless to you. Leave it in there!”
Ignoring me, he continues with his task. I hit his shoulder and he swings out his arm, connecting with my thighs. It’s painful and I immediately back away so he doesn’t hurt the baby. Tears stream down my face as I watch him empty the safe.
“What’s in there?” he demands and kicks the locked drawer on the desk.
“Nothing,” I hiss.
Mona walks over to me and glares. “What’s inside?”
“Medicine. More useless papers. Nothing of any value to you,” I grit out, my arms protectively covering my stomach.
“Medicine?” they both say at the same time.
Oh, fuck.
“Nothing you can get high from!” I screech. I hope Torin wakes up and hears. But he won’t be able to help me. I can only protect myself and pray they leave soon.
Carl kneels and pulls out a knife. I shrink away from him for fear he’ll use it on me, but he uses it on the desk drawer instead. With practiced ease, he jimmies the drawer open and soon he’s shoveling all of Tyler’s old prescription bottles into the bag. Once he’s taken everything, he pulls out a folder.
“Casey Doe.” He looks up at me and grins. “Did you know this was here?”
“No. Leave it. You’ve taken enough,” I grumble. “Please.”
“It might be important,” Mona says. “We’re taking it.”
He nods as he pushes it into the bag. I reach for it, but he shoves me away from him. My arm swings out for purchase. I knock something off the desk before finding the edge. Terror rises inside of me as they laugh at my expense. I straighten my spine and glare through my heavy tears. Both of these assholes are smiling…until they’re not.
“Goddammit, Carl!” Mona yells. “Look what you did!”
I follow her wide eyes to behind me, hoping to see Torin. What I see instead stops my heart. Flames. Orange, angry flames. The candle. Bright and vicious, they crawl up the dusty fake curtain in a flash. So fast. So damn fast. I’m still staring in horror as it spreads across the wood paneled walls when someone forcefully grabs my bicep.
“Stop!” I screech, finding my voice. “Torin!”
Carl drags me from the office and down the hallway. I yank from his grip and run back to the office to see if I can put out the fire. But it’s growing too quickly. The fire rages along Tyler’s books, burning them up without remorse.
“No,” I choke out through my tears. “Torin!”
Carl grabs my arm again and yanks me behind him. Mona is farther down the hallway with the giant bag full of money slung over her shoulder.
“How do we get out of here?” Mona hollers.
I point in the right direction before screaming. “Torin!”
When I look over my shoulder, thick black smoke billows from the office doorway. The fire spreads quicker than we can escape it. It’s chasing us down the hallway.
“Who the hell builds a house with no fuckin’ windows?!” Carl bellows as he drags me away from the flames.
“This way,” Mona instructs.
I try to break free from Carl. I need to get to Torin. He’s asleep. He needs me. Oh, God. The fire is growing.
“TORIN!”
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I stumble and trip, falling hard to my knees. I’m thankful Carl has a tight grip on me because at least I didn’t hurt the baby. He yanks me back up, nearly pulling my arm from my socket, before continuing our trek.
“Torin is in the attic,” I sob. “He can’t get out. You have to go get him!”
“I ain’t gettin’ that retard and risk dyin’! You’re lucky I’m savin’ your ass,” Carl hisses.
I fight against him, but he doesn’t release me. We eventually make it to the foyer and out the front door. The air is cool tonight and I desperately suck in deep breaths. I turn my attention back to the house and stare in horror as fire quickly overtakes it. A hole opens up on the side of the house and breathes life into the fire, black smoke pouring from it.
“TORIN!”
I slip from Carl’s grip and run toward the house. I’ve just made it to the door when I’m being dragged back away. I scream and sob and squirm to no avail.
He’s going to die.
My Torin is going to die.
No.
Noooooo.
I need him.
“There are no windows,” I sob, my entire body trembling. I’m in shock as I watch the fire engulf the house so incredibly quick. “There are no windows.”
Cracks and groans resound from the house.
This isn’t real. This isn’t real.
This. Is. Real.
Tears burn down my cheeks, hotter than any fire.
I’m losing him.
I stare helplessly at the one side of the house that isn’t engulfed yet. Even if he woke up, there’d be no way to escape.
No.
God, no.