N A T E
I wanted to take Shiloh’s words as truth, but that wasn’t a gamble I could make. A traumatized sense of who I was, left me searching for acceptance in all the wrong places, again and again. What if she decided I wasn’t enough? What if I opened myself to possibilities with this woman, and she tore me down? How would I recover when I was still dealing with my past?
In the end, self-preservation won, and the first woman I’d felt more than fleeting lust for walked away.
I was a fucking coward.
After the coast was clear, I holed up in the barn cleaning tack. At the rate I was going, the equipment would be spotless. My muscles burned from the repeated rubbing of the leather as I oiled new life into it. When I finished the ranch gear, I took particular care with Shiloh’s, mindful to put everything back exactly the way it had been.
Exhaustion overtook me. I stepped out of the room, not sure where I was headed or what my next task was.
“You done hiding?” Ryke startled me as he stepped out from one of the stalls.
“Don’t do that, asshole!” I shook my arms, working through the shot of adrenaline coursing through my body. “And I wasn’t hiding.”
“Bullshit, Nate. Don’t think I don’t know you volunteered to go out in the field to get away, and don’t fucking pretend you ever put that much effort into cleaning the damn tack.” His hand gestured to the room behind me.
“Was she hurt?” Deceiving Ryke was impossible, so I stopped trying.
“Yes, but I venture to say the cut on her knee wasn’t what was hurting her.” Ryke crossed his arms over his chest, making him seem so much bigger than me. How were we twins?
“I can’t, Ryke.” I all but fell to my ass on a bale of hay, rubbing my hands over my face. The clean scent of lemon oil was the only thing I was enjoying right then.
“Why not, Nate? You like this girl. That hasn’t been the case before.”
“You know why. Shit, you saw what I did during my nightmare. I hurt her.” Why was it so hard for my brother to understand why I needed to separate myself?
“Nate, you didn’t hit her on purpose. It was an accident. She wasn’t hurt bad.”
“This time,” I ground out. “I’m done talking about this, Ryke.” Pushing myself up from the hay bale, I stalked toward the doors.
“Nate?” Ryke’s voice was calm, just like always.
Stopping, I hung my head. I was so tired of going over this.
“Be ready to go out tonight by six.”
A relieved exhale flooded out of my lungs. “Thank you.”
Some of the off-sight ranch hands joined us at Bill’s, and the conversation grew louder with each round of drinks. My surly mood kept my usual prospects away, not that I was interested. A random hookup was the last thing on my mind.
I was having a hard time seeing a way out of the dead end I was in. Emotions were never a part of who I was. I’d learned over the years to drive them down deep rather than dealing with them. A superficial good time was all I’d ever been after. It worked for me. Or at least it did until recently.
“Hey, Si just showed up.” One of the guys pointed to where Silas spoke with one of the locals. I tossed back the last of my beer and almost choked the second Mira and Shiloh appeared behind him.
“You okay, brother?” Ryke whacked my back several times before aiming his gaze in the direction of mine. A slow whistle left his lips, and then a chuckle when he caught the glare I threw him.
“Fuck me.” Shaking my head, I did my best not to lose my shit. Every male patron was shamelessly checking out Shiloh. If this was the way her night started, I had a feeling I was going to be in a bar brawl by the end.
The woman was devastatingly gorgeous. I loved her in pink, but that color didn’t hold a candle to the way she looked in red. And her legs? Damn. The small bandage on her knee took nothing away from her sexiness. Her denim skirt was short enough to make her legs look long enough to climb, yet long enough to leave something to the imagination. My problem was I knew exactly what was under that skirt, and I wanted more of it. Lifting my beer bottle, I attempted to drink before remembering it was empty.
“Need another?” I asked Ryke as I slid my chair back and stood. With my brother’s order, I made my way through the crowd to the bar, my eyes never straying from Shiloh. My only saving grace was that she couldn’t catch me staring at her like a loon.
With her head tilted to listen to what Mira was saying, she was adorable. Red lips parted in a small smile as she ran a delicate hand through her soft blonde curls. My chest rose and fell with quick breaths from watching her do nothing more than shift from one foot to the other.
An ache filled me when I thought about how I wouldn’t get the chance to be with her again. What brought me the most disappointment wasn’t that I wouldn’t get to be with her sexually. No, it was more than that. When I was around her, I liked who I was. She challenged me and had no problem putting me in my place. But the fault I’d created between us was so large, I had no idea how to close it.
The three of them moved toward our table. Shiloh linked her arm with Mira’s as they navigated the crowd. I added drinks for them to my order and made my way back.
Setting the five bottles down on the table with a subtle clank, I slid them to everyone.
“An unopened Fat Tire.” I placed it next to Shiloh’s fingers, close enough she could feel it and find it without a problem.
She wrapped one hand around the bottle and used her nifty ring to pop the top before taking a long pull. I groaned, but if she heard me, she didn’t react.
Random conversation resumed as I studied the girl who all but consumed me.
“Let’s dance.” Mira stood and pulled Shiloh to the dance floor just feet from the table.
Silas met my eyes and cocked an eyebrow. I shook my head and kept drinking. Teetering on the edge of handing over my man card for pining after her, I wasn’t about to run out there. Nope. I wasn’t going out there.
Chapter 12
Shiloh
Something special about music spoke to my soul like nothing else. The vibrations ran through me like smooth silk, starting softly in my core and stretching out to a sort of liquid energy all the way to my fingers and toes.
Dancing opened my world to a whole new freedom. My body moved without outside influence. There was no urge to mimic someone else’s movements. There was no worry if I looked silly. It was incredible, like a shot of caffeine flowing through my veins, causing my boots to stomp. Every so often, Mira’s touch let me know she was still with me. Her carefree laugh filled my ears. For me, it was impossible not to smile.
Song after song, my hips swayed, until I was winded but full of joy. It was the first time today I’d felt happy, and knowing it wouldn’t last, I just went with it.
“I’m gonna get some water. You coming?” Mira’s voice was faint over the music.
“Nope. This girl has some dancing to finish. Where’s the table from here?” Mira took my hand and spun us to face the band so I could orient myself.
“The table is about twenty feet to your right. We’re at the edge of the dance floor.”
“Got it. Stop me before I wander into traffic if I miss it,” I joked. The soft brush of her lips on my cheek made my mouth curl in a smile before she left me to my refreshing escape.
Less than ten seconds later, large hands grabbed my hips from behind, startling me so much I stumbled.
“Whoa, baby,” a gritty voice rasped in my ear as a bulky man hauled me back against him.
I would rather have fallen, I decided, as warm, whiskey-stenched breath traveled over my neck.
My protest was lost in a sudden commotion, and the man was jerked away from me. As I tried to get my bearings, I heard familiar voices. Silas was telling the man to move along. Ryke repeated Nate’s name like he was urgently trying to get him to listen. The chaos left me frozen, unsure which way to go.
“Shiloh, can I talk to you?” Nate was suddenly next to me, his clean scent a welcome diversion.
Without thinking, I nodded and reached for him, pleasantly surprised when I easily found his arm waiting for me to take. Without words, he covered my hand with his other and led me away from the dance floor. The gust of fresh air wafted over us as he guided me through the door. Filling my lungs, I relaxed, happy to be outside.
“You’re killing me, Shiloh.” Nate’s thick voice seemed almost tortured, and part of me felt some satisfaction.
“Really, Nate? How so?” I cocked my hip and crossed my arms over my chest, aware the move pushed my breasts up. Mira had been so pleased with my outfit choice, and I knew I looked as good as I felt in it. I hadn’t set out to make Nate jealous, but it sure didn’t make me sad.
A startled squeak left my mouth as he hauled me against him. His face was so close to mine I could feel his lips move. “You in this fucking getup has every guy in the bar undressing you with their eyes. It’s making me crazy.” His hands roamed my back, stopping just above my ass. He was aroused, and damn if that didn’t ignite my own body.
“What about you, Nate? You undressing me with your eyes?” My voice sounded foreign to my ears.
“Yeah, but I can tell you it doesn’t hold a candle to the reality.” His lips glided softly over mine.
The sensation was heavenly; however, it also pulled me out of the lust-filled moment. A shiver ran through me like a bucket of ice water had been poured over me.
“You can’t do this to me, Nate.” The dulling ache that had been constant throughout the day came back with a vengeance. “You can’t reject me one minute and then act like you want me the next.” I pulled free from his hold, putting much-needed separation between us.
“Shiloh.”
“No, Nate. What do you want from me?”
His deep sigh was a pretty good sign of where this was headed. “I don’t know what I want.” His soft words were hardly audible.
Tilting my head back, I groaned in frustration. “Well, let me know when you figure it out.”
I took two steps toward the music before I realized navigating through the bar on my own wasn’t an option. Storming off was a little difficult, and the bandage on my knee was proof.
Kicking my boot at the ground, I turned to where Nate had been, the last of my pride crumbling.
“Can you please walk me back to the table?”
Mark and Kyle were itching to get on a horse, so Mira took them out to the paddock to ride. Lauren, on the other hand, was resistant to just about everything at this point. Her standoffish attitude was part typical teenager and part coping mechanism. I hoped to have her help me groom gentle Molly. It was a good time to get her more comfortable around the horses as well as me.
“This is Molly,” I said as I tied the reins to the outside of the stall. “Horses are a lot like you and me.” Gently taking Lauren’s hand, I pressed it to Molly’s neck and led her hand down against the soft hair before letting go.
“How?” For the first time since I’d met her, her voice was full of curiosity. I couldn’t help but smile.
“You can’t force a horse to do anything. They’re bigger than you. They startle easily, and their need for self-preservation sometimes overrides logic. But you learn over time, asking and telling the right way gets them to do what you want.” Soft patting sounds told me Lauren was moving her hand over Molly. “If you try to force them to do something they aren’t comfortable with, they’re going to dig in their heels and use their weight to keep you from changing their mind. Sometimes they even push back.
“You have to develop a level of trust. You have to give the information to them, empower them, and let them find their way. Even so, sometimes you simply have to walk away and try again another time.”
“Yeah, I can see that, I guess.” Lauren sounded like she was beginning to relax.
“Would you like to brush her?” I reached into the bucket on a hook, not wanting to push her, but my heart raced as I waited for her response. This was what I’d been trained for, and although I knew how I should proceed, I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and losing my chance to make a difference with this girl.
“Okay.”
I traced over Molly’s neck until I reached Lauren’s hand, placing the handle in her palm, and guiding her in the proper direction. “How’s school going?”
Lauren’s huff told me exactly how she felt about that topic. “It sucks. My friends don’t want to be around me anymore, and I feel like a freaking idiot trying to walk around.” Her voice shook, yet she didn’t back away from Molly.
“You know, it’s okay to be angry.”
“You don’t understand,” she mumbled. “Nobody does.”
“You might be surprised how much I do understand.” I grabbed another brush and worked on the other side of the horse.
“How could you? You’re not blind.”
“Actually, I am.” And the reason I’d withheld that particular fact from the kids was for moments just like this. I followed the path of the brush with my other hand, giving Molly a few subtle pats. She was being a perfect girl, standing so still as if she knew how important this conversation was.
“You’re blind?” Her incredulous tone brought a smile to my face.
“I am.”
“But how can you teach classes?” Her question was far from insulting. She was new to this and under the impression her life was over.
“I suppose I do it like anyone else, only I have to rely on my other senses.”
We worked in silence for a couple of minutes, giving her time to process this new information.
“You know, I was just a bit younger than you. I was so angry. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.” I dropped the brush in the bucket and walked around Molly to Lauren. “It’s okay to feel like that, Lauren. You’ve lost a huge part of you, and it’s devastating. It’s scary and unfair. You need to mourn that loss, but the important thing to remember is you can’t allow this tragedy to consume you.”
“I’m just so sad.” Lauren’s voice quivered with tears, and the raw emotion brought an ache to my chest as I remembered feeling the exact way.
“Oh, honey, I know.” I squeezed her shoulder in comfort.
“How did you get past it? The anger? I don’t know how.”
“You have to make the decision to live again. Life as you know it has taken a different path, and you need to find a way to make it your own again. You can let the anger and sadness take over, but there won’t be anything left to give. You can only pretend and push everything down for so long, until it all implodes.” My thoughts flashed to Nate and his demons. “Most of us won’t like who we become at that point.” A rustling sound had me turning my head. When I didn’t hear anything else from that direction, I figured it was just one of the animals.
“Do you miss seeing?” Lauren asked.
“I don’t remember it much anymore. I’m sure I would have a lot less bruises if I could see.” I chuckled. “But honestly, I still see the world with my other senses. And, Lauren, it’s just as beautiful. You need to find your footing again. When you do, the people who care about you, your family and friends, will take their cues from you. Your parents want you to feel empowered and confident in your blindness. You’ll get there, Lauren. I’ll help you.”
“Shiloh?”
“Yes?”
“Can I hug you?” Tears welled in my eyes at her simple plea.
“Of course, you can.” We reached for each other at the same time, and her fist plowed me square in the stomach, causing me to groan.
“Oh, shit!” Lauren exclaimed then corrected herself. “I mean, crap.”
Amusement bubbled inside me until I was openly laughing. Lauren joined me, and somehow, we finally managed to embrace.
“That is what I like to refer as blind girl problems,” I said when I released her, finally catching my breath.
“Do they happen often?” She hooked her hand through my arm so we could walk to where her parents would be waiting.
“All the time, sweetie. All the time.”