Jason

 

I woke alone. No soft snores, no grunts, no other campers breathing. Being truly alone, was hard after having Zayn at my side. Zayn was God only knows where. They hadn’t harmed me, so I was certain they hadn’t harmed Zayn.

After a few minutes, I got up and used the restroom. Still, I was alone. I hadn’t changed clothes, so there was no getting dressed, plus, I didn’t have my bag, anyway.

The door opened, and someone I didn’t know came in and set a tray on a table. They left before I could say anything.

The food smelled good and my stomach rumbled. I thought about not eating, but who was I kidding. After demolishing the food, I stared at the door. Could I get out? What would I do if I left?

I wanted to find Zayn, but I didn’t know where he was. Maybe I could figure out where he was once I was outside. With slow steps, I moved to the door, placing my hand on the knob. It turned, but I couldn’t get the door to open. They’d locked me in.

My anger rose, and I pounded on the door. They couldn’t keep us locked up, could they? What were they doing to Zayn?

The door flew open, almost smacking me in the face. After a few seconds to recover, I spoke.

“Where’s Zayn?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“It is my business. I need to see him.”

“You’ll never see him again. I’ll make sure your parents know just how disgusting you are. I’ll tell them exactly what you were doing. I’ll tell them everything. And when they finish with you, well, it’ll be bad.”

I didn’t know this counselor. I’d seen him a time or two but didn’t know his name. Begging wouldn’t work. Maybe I could just force my way out, but he was too big. He stepped out and slammed the door. This time I heard the lock slide, trapping me in the room.

How could they hold me like this? My dad would be angry with me. Tears burned the back of my eyes as defeat settled in. With no way out, I’d never find Zayn. Just like my future, my heart had shattered. My parents would probably make Dianna marry that creep, and they’d force Josh to go to the school my dad chose. We’d never be allowed to be ourselves, all because I’d screwed up and gotten caught kissing Zayn.

It had been worth it though. I dropped to the bed, hugging the pillow as I cried and thought about Zayn in my arms. His dark eyes had seen into my soul and I’d seen into his. Though he may appear to have been rough around the edges, he was a sweet person, kind too. He was lost, just like I was, but in a different way.

Some amount of time passed before the door opened. They tossed my bag in before slamming the door and yelling, “Here you go, faggot, get cleaned up. Your father is almost here.”

This place sucked. I hated everything about the counselors, the camp, and what they were about. My dad hadn’t succeeded in making me more obedient, instead, this camp and these people had turned me away from whatever this place represented. I would be gay, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me.

After the counselor left, I picked up my bag, making sure I had everything. They’d shoved my sheets in, but it looked like everything was there. I grabbed my toothbrush and brushed before washing my face. I tugged off my shirt then searched for my deodorant. It was at the bottom of my bag.

I didn’t feel any better after I’d dressed. The possibilities played out in my mind. What would my dad do? There was no way I was getting through this unscathed.

Someone brought in lunch. Worry made my stomach twist. Maybe Dad wouldn’t come to pick me up. What if he left me here? There was no doubt in my mind my dad hated gay people. He despised gay men. I’d heard him say it time and time again. Now, he would know I was gay.

About an hour after I finished eating my lunch, the door popped open and Nick stepped in. I wasn’t happy to see him, and he didn’t look happy to see me.

“Grab your shit and come on.”

I picked up my bag, hoisting it over my shoulder and followed. Outside, Zayn was nowhere to be seen. My dad stepped out of a building, his gaze everywhere but on me. I froze.

“You disgust me,” Nick spat out.

My dad turned and waved over his shoulder for me to follow. My heart beat faster the closer I got to the car. With one last look for Zayn, my heart sank. The knot in my stomach didn’t lessen, instead it grew as we drove away from the camp. I looked back, searching for any sight of Zayn, but he was lost to me.

Miles flew by and my father said nothing. Not one word. Fear grew as the car rolled down the highway. I don’t know what I expected, but him staying silent wasn’t it.

We turned down the street where we lived, and my dad still hadn’t said one word. He parked the car, opened the door, and walked into the house. Not one word had been uttered in the miles we’d traveled. How could he have said nothing?

I took my bag inside and stood in the kitchen, looking around. No one came out to greet me. No one ran through the house. The place was empty. Maybe they were at the store or something.

I washed my clothes since they stank. After I started a load, I moved to the kitchen and sniffed my pits. It wasn’t too bad, but I would stink soon if I didn’t shower. Hunger clawed at my belly and cereal called. For almost two weeks I’d sat either across from Zayn or beside him as I ate. Sadness filled me. How could I go on without him?

No ideas formed on how to find Zayn. What if I never found him again? I let out a little sob as I stared into my bowl. There were hundreds of millions of people in the USA, ten million in Georgia. And what if his mom made him move back to Washington? Depression hit hard. I couldn’t eat anymore. I made sure the dish I’d used was clean before I put it up and that nothing in the kitchen appeared disturbed. I didn’t want my mom to freak out over dirty dishes.

Dad was still home, but I hadn’t seen him. Once in my room, I searched for clean clothes, finding a Decyfer Down shirt. My mom hated the band since they’d toured with non-Christian groups, ending up on stage with Breaking Benjamin. Since two of Breaking Benjamin’s songs had been associated with video games, which I’d only played at friends’ houses because my mom forbids them, she’d decided they were satanic. Said it was proof they were devil’s music, blaming the fall of the world on games like Halo and Grand Theft Auto. When she went on her gaming tirade, I’d noticed Josh smirking a few times. I was sure he played both games extensively. I knew he played other games too, but my mom didn’t know because he knew how to hide his activities well.

After my shower, I pulled on the cursed shirt, wondering what time Mom would be home with my brothers and sisters. Maybe they would ground me to my room and I’d never see them again. I moved to the kitchen and saw crumbs on the counter, but my dad wasn’t anywhere around. I opened the door to the garage and didn’t see my mom’s van. We didn’t all fit in a normal car. No, we had to have a van.

Missing Zayn was hard. I pulled together ingredients for a sandwich, my mind churning. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt this attached to the guy, but I did. Relationships were a mystery. At what point was it acceptable to go from being friends to being lovers? Were we even lovers? We hadn’t had sex, but that last kiss had been close. I’d been on fire, my body ready for anything because Zayn had been pressed up against me. Had they not interrupted us, I know I would have come.

Embarrassment washed over me. Was that even normal? Should I have been so excited? What if I’d come and Zayn had been horrified? My face heated. I took a bite of my sandwich and chewed as I stared at the kitchen countertops. If Zayn had come with me pressed up against him, I would have thought it was cool. Just taking him to that place with us just kissing was a nice idea.

Warmth spread as I ate. I closed my eyes as I chewed, imagining him in bed with me, his body naked as I kissed his chest. Thinking of him was nearly agonizing. My throat was thick with emotions. I pushed away thoughts of Zayn and tried to eat. We wouldn’t be in bed naked, and we certainly would never kiss if I couldn’t find him.

Sadness threatened my sanity. Tears slipped down my cheeks. If my dad found me like this, he would beat me. He already knew I was gay, and here I was crying, something he said men weren’t supposed to do. I wiped my eyes and finished my sandwich, cleaning up the mess I’d made. The kitchen was spotless before I headed to my room.

I stretched out on my bed, trying to figure out a way to find Zayn. Nothing came to me. Overwhelmed, I turned to the wall and cried myself to sleep. I woke in the middle of the night, expecting to find Josh in his bed, but he wasn’t there. I got up and hesitated at my door. From an early age, my parents had drilled into us we couldn’t get out of bed after lights out. We weren’t allowed to get up and get water, go to the bathroom, or anything that would disturb them. The going to the bathroom part had been hellish as a child. Of course, we all learned to go pee quietly and not flush, that way they couldn’t hear us. It was hardest on Matt, Tom, and Brianna. I felt the worst for my younger sister. She had the room that wasn’t really a room attached to my parents’ bedroom. There was only a set of glass doors between her room and theirs. It was tiny, and when asked if she wanted to move, Dianna had declined having her own personal space. The only reason Brianna wasn’t in the same room as Dianna and Lori was their room was small. I couldn’t imagine having to sleep next to Mom and Dad. It freaked me out that Brianna slept in there. I shivered as I tugged open my door.

The house was quiet. No sounds, no talking, nothing. I moved to the kitchen and saw evidence that my dad had come in to eat something. I hadn’t seen him since he’d walked through the garage and headed into the house.

Why wouldn’t he talk to me? Was I so disgusting that he wouldn’t even speak to me? I shouldn’t be surprised. This was my dad I was talking about. He hated gay people.

I opened the freezer and grabbed out one of my parents’ special sweet rolls. I was already in trouble, so I didn’t care if I got into more. The sweet roll tasted delicious. They were another treat we weren’t allowed unless it was our birthday.

After eating, I washed off my dishes and put them up. I may be into breaking rules, but I wasn’t stupid. Leaving dishes out was a worse sin than any other imaginable, other than being gay.

Back in my bedroom, I thought about Zayn, but that made me depressed. I cried again, falling asleep as images of the guy tumbled through my thoughts. The next morning, I woke late to an empty house. Dad had left, and no one else had come home. Going back to that camp wouldn’t do me any good. Maybe he was here, but the city was big. There was no way I could find Zayn riding around on my bike.

Later that evening I heard the garage door open. I stayed in my room, fearing it was my dad. Then I heard my brothers and sisters in the kitchen. My bedroom door cracked open and Josh came in. He stopped cold and stared at me before shutting the door quickly.

“Holy crap, man, what happened?” Josh’s question surprised me, and I froze. After a few seconds, I glanced to the door. He dropped his backpack on the floor, preventing the door from opening. Of course, we weren’t allowed locks on our door, that would have given us too much privacy.

“What do you mean?” I whispered.

He came close and sat on the edge of my bed before leaning in and giving me a hug. It was weird. We didn’t hug as a family, but I needed his comfort. I buried my face in his neck and let a sob loose as he patted my back, holding me as I cried. After a few minutes, my crying lessened, and he squeezed my shoulder before sitting up.

“It was almost dinner time,” Josh said, “and all of a sudden we were told to pack a bag for two to three nights and were whisked away to Atlanta. Mom tried to act like it was a surprise trip, but me, Dianna, and Lori knew something was up. By the way, Lori knows about the deal you made with Dad about Dianna. She said she loves you even more now.”

My heart squeezed, and I nodded then shook my head. “He found out.”

“What?”

“That I’m gay.”

Josh’s lips thinned. “I’m sorry, but he’s going to be an ass about it. Did he hit you? What did he say?”

I shrugged, unsure about everything. “Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing?”

“He said nothing at all. Not one word since we left that camp. It’s crazy. Like not even go to your room or hi.”

Josh’s eyes were wide, and he shook his head. “That’s odd.”

“Are you cool with it, me being gay?”

Josh rolled his eyes. “Of course. I’ve known for a while.”

“What, you knew?” Shock pulsed through me. Josh hadn’t said anything at all about me being gay.

“Of course. I was in the bathroom at school and Dave came in with some other guy. He didn’t know I was in there. He was talking about some kid who wouldn’t let him have it, which I got meant sex. Anyway, he said he’d thought the pastor’s boy would be down with it and he’d tried on Christmas Eve. Then he talked about how much of a prude you really were. He was pissed that you didn’t want to have sex. They talked about who else would do it, but they couldn’t come up with any more gay guys at school who Dave was attracted to.”

Fear filled me, and my hands flew to my mouth. “Oh God, what if he told someone else?”

“I wouldn’t worry about that, but hey, bud, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with him. He’s a jerk.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

Josh squeezed my arm, his eyes serious. “You’ll find someone.”

“I already have, but I don’t know how to find him again.”

Josh hugged me again, his touch a welcome relief. Our family had been so cold, so distant. But now Josh was being nice. I squeezed him tighter, emotions filling me.

The door to our bathroom opened and Dianna stepped in. Her brows bunched, and she plopped down on the bed and pulled me into a tight hug, squishing me harder than Josh had.

“What happened?” Dianna asked when she pulled back. Her fingers stroked my cheek as her eyes searched my face.

“You can tell her. She’ll be cool,” Josh said.

“Dad found out I was gay. They caught me kissing another guy at camp.”

Dianna shook her head. “Oh, that’s not good. Was he cute though?”

I rolled my eyes then nodded. “So cute. His skin is this perfect shade of tanned, but it wasn’t a tan. I think one of his parents is a different race other than white. But I didn’t get his phone number or anything. They separated us before I got it. How am I going to find him?”

She bit her lower lip and shook her head. “I don’t know. Do you have his name?”

“Yes, Zayn Anderson. Spelled Z A Y N.”

“Okay, so that’s a weird spelling. I’m sure we can find him somehow. Where does he live?”

“Are you really going to help me find him?” I couldn’t believe it. Excitement bubbled up. Josh and Dianna wanted to help. My brother and sister didn’t care that I was gay. They were the best siblings ever.

“Yeah, of course,” Dianna said.

“I’m gay and you don’t care?” I asked, praying they wouldn’t tell me to go to hell.

Dianna hugged me again. “Of course I don’t care. You saved me from hell. I love you. I don’t understand why you’re gay or how it makes you happy, but you’re special and I love you. I know you would do anything for me, and I’ll do anything for you.”

“I can’t believe you two don’t hate me.” Tears filled my eyes again. I didn’t like crying so much, but I couldn’t help it. My brother and sister supported me even though I was gay. I’d thought they would never want to speak to me again.

“Of course we’ll help you. Now tell us where he lives,” Josh said.

I cringed, everything going back to bleak. “He grew up in Washington State.”

“Oh, that sucks,” Josh said.

“But he moved in with his grandmother, or he was moving in with her. His mom sent him away to live with her, and she’s here in Macon—the grandmother is in Macon.”

Josh’s eyes grew bright and filled with hope. “That’s good. We can get on the internet and search for him.”

“How? Mom and Dad get a list of all of our searches,” Dianna said.

Josh’s lips turned up and his eyes twinkled. “I went to the library and opened my own account not associated with Mom and Dad. I’m eighteen and I can do that. I’ll share my info with you and then you can search in your free time.”

“Josh, you did not,” Dianna said.

“I sure did. After learning how smart little Jason was, I had to do something. Did you know Christians are selling their virgin daughters to older men?”

“What?” Dianna covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide. She looked from me to Josh. “Do you think Mom and Dad were going to get money for me?”

“No clue, but maybe,” Josh said.

“That’s disgusting.” I couldn’t imagine how twisted someone had to be to sell their child to another person.

“Yeah. You need to say no to that man no matter what. He’s not a good guy if he thinks an arranged marriage is okay,” Josh said.

“Don’t worry, no way would I marry him. I think I might get my own account too. Josh, I want you to help me do it,” Dianna said.

“You got it, sis. First, I’ll help you and then you need to help Lori set up an account. Our parents are crazy if they think it’s okay to sell you to another person. Also, you need a copy of your birth certificate. If you don’t have that, it could be bad,” Josh said.

“Wow, what is wrong with our parents,” I whispered.

Josh shook his head. “I don’t know, but this isn’t normal. We’ll help you search for your friend. It may take a few weeks, but we’ll do all we can to find him.”

My heart squeezed as I realized my brother and sister really were good people. We may not have talked much in the past, but we would eventually get over that and be friends.

“Thank you, both. I don’t know how we got to this, but I’m glad I have you two. Just knowing I might find Zayn makes it all better.”

Dianna hugged me again, her arms tight around my neck. Maybe I could survive this if my brother and sister were around to help me. My parents were weird. Maybe they were just misguided, but I couldn’t trust them. With Dianna and Josh’s support, I could make it through this.