- Lily -
ebastian wasn’t even breathing anymore.
On the plus side, he no longer looked like he wanted to pull his hair out…even though I got the distinct sense that the conversation was even more stressful for him than me, that it was aging him. Making him physically sick.
But when I realized he was waiting for me to continue, I did. “It started off innocent enough. In fact, in the beginning it was too easy. I’d accompany men—usually older men—to fancy parties. And as long as I looked the part and made the client look good, he’d give me more money at the end of the night than I’d make in two weeks at both my jobs.”
Sebastian’s jaw hardened.
“And on top of the big paychecks, they’d give big tips. Tips that would’ve made the front page if I were still a waitress.”
“But you weren’t,” he said. “And I assume you were expected to do a lot more than wait tables.”
I shrugged. “Sometimes it wasn’t that bad.”
“And other times?”
“Other times I did things I’m not proud of.”
He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head.
“But I rationalized it by telling myself that I was getting far more than I had to give, that I was finally getting ahead.”
His brows came together and his mouth twitched.
“You have to understand I wasn’t giving myself to any of them.”
He lifted his face.
“I was giving them someone else, someone that wasn’t me.”
He swallowed hard.
“I never developed feelings for any of my clients, never told them a single truth about myself. Not even my favorite color.”
“Hugh knew your name.”
“That’s because I knew I could trust Hugh.”
“What?”
“He’s been my roommate’s client for years.”
“Your roommate who got you into this?”
I nodded.
“Unbelievable.”
“What’s unbelievable is that it only took me a month to get Paige into a better facility,” I said, ignoring the shame that might’ve swallowed me up. “And after three months, I was back in school with the energy and the financial security to actually focus on trying to make something of myself.”
“It hurts me to think about you being with those other guys.”
I pressed my lips together.
“And the fact that they never really cared about you, the fact that you could make yourself do things like that when you didn’t care about them either—”
“I was desperate, Sebastian. I detached. I’m not proud of the fact that I took the easy way out—”
“There’s not a chance in hell that what you did was the easy way out.”
A lump hardened in my throat. “It means a lot to me that you understand that.”
He sat up and studied my face. “Would you do it again?”
“I wonder that myself,” I said, knowing it probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “But I see no benefit in forcing an answer. It’s done now. It’s over. I’m lucky that the worst I ever had to deal with was a few creeps, and I’m lucky that I know I won’t miss it. Especially now that I’ve been reminded how relationships are supposed to be, how sex is supposed to be.”
“What’s that? Consensual?”
“Among other even more wonderful things.”
He sighed.
I leaned against the desk beside me. “I know this is a lot to take.”
He scoffed.
“I am ready to be myself again, though. Or find myself again, I guess.” What’s left of me.
He ran a hand through his hair and dropped his head back for a moment.
I looked down at my tangled hands.
“Why didn’t you leave with me?”
I raised my face. “What?”
“At the party,” he said. “Why didn’t you leave with me?”
“Because I’m not for sale anymore. I took that job as a final favor to my roommate, and I swore that I would never take money for my company again. And whether you can understand it or not, letting you buy me is a line I can’t cross. Because you’re the reason I can’t be bought anymore.”
We sat quietly for some time, the heavy silence broken only by the occasional patter of smart shoes in the hall.
I wondered what he was thinking, assuming it wasn’t anything to do with the photograph he was staring at. Then again, maybe it would work in my favor if he found inspiration in that happy dog’s kind black face. After all, dogs were so much better than people. They were more forgiving, more loyal, better at living in the present.
“What did my dad whisper to you?” he asked suddenly.
“What?”
“Before you closed the blinds in my face.”
“Sebastian, I—”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t say my name like that,” he said. “Every time you say my name like that, you follow it with an excuse for why you’re not going to be honest.”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Tell me the truth,” he said. “Because I’m really fucking trying here, and I still feel like I have no clue what’s going on in your head.”
I laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Sorry.” I waved my hand in front of me to clear my nervous laughter from the air. “I don’t know what’s going on in my head either.”
“Maybe what you need is a second opinion,” he said. “Try me.”
I stared at him.
“What did he whisper to you?” he said, his dark eyes narrowing. “Before you closed the blinds.”
I found myself at a crossroads between finally unloading my secrets and clinging to my lies. Unfortunately, neither option guaranteed that Sebastian would stay in my life. I could lose him either way. And it wasn’t only that. I could lose my safety, everything I’d worked for, even my freedom if I made the wrong choice.
“Lily.”
“I’ll tell you what he whispered to me if you tell me what you whispered to Paige that day at the Lotus Center. Over checkers.”
He cocked his head.
“Deal or no deal.” I didn’t even know why that popped into my head. I think I was just trying to buy myself time to think.
“Fine,” he said too quickly. “Deal.”
I exhaled the breath I was holding.
“You first.”
I shook my head. “You go first. What did you say to her?”
He fixed his eyes on me. “I told her of course I was going to marry you. I told her I was madly in love with you, and that I’d buy her any dress she wanted for the wedding and that she could pick out the cake.”