Mads and I sneaked out to our practice facility in Rutherford. With the team on holiday leave for a few days and most of the amateur leagues on break until the new year, we figured we’d have the place to ourselves. And we did. After a quick call to the manager who was more than happy to come unlock the front door, then give Mads the key, we were in.

“Ah man,” I whispered, the barn quiet as vespers in a nunnery. I closed my eyes and inhaled. Yeah, there it was. The tang of frozen water and sweat. Gross sounding, I know, but that smell was just one small component of the rush that hockey gave me. “You smell that, Mads?”

He nodded, pocketed the key, and shifted our equipment bag to his other hand. “Smells like hockey.”

He got it. I caught the flare of sport lust in his blue eyes. Once an ice rat, always an ice rat.

“I’m stoked,” I confessed, the ice smooth as glass, beckoning me to lace up and step out on her surface. Such a siren ice was. “Scared too… big-time scared. What if—?”

“Do you want to call it off?” Mads stepped in front of me, blocking my view of the ice. “No one would think poorly of you if you backed away, Ten.”

“No. I’m not letting fear rule my life.” I’d worked on that line all the way over. Every time my gut would flip at the thought of falling, I’d repeat that mantra to myself.

“Okay, then. Let’s lace up and make a circle.” He moved to the side to let me lead the way to the locker rooms. Once inside the home dressing area, we slid on skates, grabbed sticks and pucks, and made our way to the ice. “Here. You wear this, or we go no further than the bench.”

He held out a smoky-blue helmet. “Thanks.”

“Also, news of this little outing never reaches Jean’s ears.” He flung the gate open. “If your mother knew I gave in to your request to skate, she’d skin me alive.”

“It’s our secret.” I stole a kiss, pulled in a deep lungful, and stepped out onto the ice.

“You okay?” Mads asked when I stood there, feeling the slide of sharp blade on ice for the first time in what seemed like years. I’d never gone this long without skating. Ever. Far back as I could remember, I’d been on the ice daily.

I glanced over my shoulder. The man wore his worry plainly. I smiled. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Are you sure?” God, he was tense.

“Dude, you want me to use… a bucket like the one Stan gives Noah when they’re on the ice?”

His lips flattened a bit. Then he nodded. “Right, yes, sorry. I’m being overprotective.”

“It’s cool. I love you. Come skate with me.”

I pushed off, one foot and then the other, and there it was. The power of muscle memory, the flow of tendon and muscle, the rasp of skate on ice, and the feel of a stick in my hand. It all meshed perfectly, no gaps or stutters as my brain experienced. My body knew what to do. It had been trained for this sport since I was two.

Mads stayed beside me, peeking my way every four-point-two seconds, chiding me to keep my speed down and enjoy. So, I did, even when my body wanted to go faster. We poked around the ice, slow circles at first, then some puck-handling exercises. Nothing super fancy but enough to make the darkness that had inhabited my heart start to lift. I’d been so scared that I might not be able to do what I had done before, but I could.

“You want some cones?” Mads called after I sent the puck into the empty net for the tenth time.

“Cones?” I asked while skating to the net to fish the puck out with my stick.

“Yes, traffic cones. They’re pointy orange rubber things that—”

“Okay, smartass,” I called. Mads chuckled, warmly and honestly. The first sign of ease that I’d seen since I’d suggested this. “Nah, we can skip the cones.” I skated to him, resting by the boards, the home bench behind him. “I think it’s going to be okay,” I said as I removed my skid lid. He reached over to fluff my hair. “I mean… I truly believe that, way deep down now. I’ve been feeling as if I was trapped… in the neutral zone since that night, you know?” He nodded. “But now… being on the ice, seeing that my reflexes are still pretty sharp, and my body remembers what to do… the future looks good again now. Hopeful. Thank you for doing this. I know you didn’t want to… I could see the fear in your eyes.”

“I only want to make you happy, Ten. I’m thrilled to hear you sounding so upbeat. Your family will be too. When we tell them. In thirty years or so.” He rubbed at the back of his thick neck awkwardly. He was too cute. I grabbed a kiss, or five, and then we made our way back to the dressing room to get our shoes on.

“I’m kind of hungry,” I said after we locked up the rink.

“Well, I kind of made reservations for us at the pizza place you like so much.” Mads slipped the key back into his pocket. “We’ll head there as soon as I drop this key off at Ken’s place.”

“The pizza place with the stuffed crust mongo pizza?”

“That’s the one.”

“Okay, I love you more than like… anything.”

He gave me this bizarre kind of look, as if he were on the verge of saying something prophetic like, “I am the servant of the secret fire!” or “You shall not venture further!” or any other awesome Gandalfesque epic quote.

“I love you too,” he replied, took the bag from me, and walked to the Rover. After our gear was stored, I buckled up, watching Mads as he settled behind the wheel. He glanced up after snapping the seatbelt, must have felt me staring at him. “What?”

“You’re acting weird.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“You got some sort of something up your sleeve, don’t you?” He gaped at me. “Did you set up something at lunch?”

“Oh. Oh, yes, I did. Damn it, you can read me too well.” He grinned a little too widely.

“Yeah, I knew it. Did you get Wayne Gretzky… to come eat with us?”

“Not quite…” he answered, pulling into traffic, then purposely burying the conversation, no matter how I tried to wheedle what he was hiding out of him.

Papa Joe’s Pizza Parlor sat less than a block from Ken’s house. I hustled inside, the cold air and brilliant winter sun trying to give me some trouble but failing. As soon as I stepped into the packed pizzeria, I saw what the surprise was. Stan rose to his feet, shouted something in Russian that had every head in the place turning, and then rushed at me.

“My best of good friends,” he gushed as he wrapped me in a bear hug that forced all the air out of my lungs. “Is big welcome back to homes.” He kissed both my cheeks and then stared into my eyes. “Brain is not sloshing no more, true?”

“True, it’s not sloshing, but it’s kind of… dull at times.”

“Pah, my goodliest friend is not dull. Maybe just stupid from big knot on brain. Come! Sit with me. We have much talks to make. Jared, you come sit too. Come! Sit! Make conversations with me.”

Every patron watched us sit down. My face was hot with embarrassment.

“This is gift from Erik and Noah. They are snotty cold sick, and so I told them they could not come because you are healing your brain and would not wish a snot cold to be in your head.” I took the book and smiled at my best buddy. His gray eyes sparkled. “Go make the opening! I bet you are not sure of what it is.”

“Uhm, it’s a book.” I patted the neatly wrapped book.

“Ah, well, good guess, but what kind of book?” He waved at the server. I opened my mouth to guess. “I tell you! Is book about otter who gets hurt playing otter games. He gets most sad and is making big mopes all over himself and Mama Otter. Then he stops being sad and with the mopes before he grows into happy face otter! The end.”

“You should get a job as a book reviewer when you’re done playing hockey, Stan,” Mads teased. Stan glowed.

I threw Mads an amused glance. “Awesome. Thanks, bruh,” I said to Stan.

“Ah, is no big thanks needed. I read to Noah many times.” The server wriggled around Stan to take our orders. “They have some of pizza. Cheese crust and big meat. My friend Ten loves the big meat.”

Mads choked on the sip of water he’d just taken. Oh man, the looks we got from the nearby tables. I mean, yeah, it was true I did like big meat, but for serious?

“Okay, so uhm... tell me what’s up with you, bud.” I steered us deftly away from big meat discussions, then ordered a large chocolate milk. Mads got a large diet cola.

“What is up is much exciting things. I am studying for to become American citizen.”

“Dude, that’s awesome!” I offered him my hand. He grabbed it with a mitt the size of a dinner plate and shook it up and down. “Is it like super hard?”

“Yes, many facts. But is worth hard facts to become American. There is much I wish to do as citizen that only American can do. I wish to vote so that we have good people in charge. People who do not look down on LGBT people or women or people of colors. I wish to marry my love someday and find cake for us in any bakery. This only can be done for voting, and so, I wish to vote and make my new country happy home for all peoples.”

“You totally rock… you know that?”

Stan nodded. I chuckled.

“I know many things now. Like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King Jr. make America land of free and brave. Also, I am trying to learn state capitals, but it is most hard. There are fifty!”

“Yeah, I’m aware.” I sat back to make room for the pizza, which was massive and loaded with big meats. Just how I liked it. “Seriously, dude, best way to learn the state capitals is to check out Wakko’s ‘Fifty State Capitals song on YouTube.”

“Whacko song for capitals?” Stan threw a confused look at Mads.

“Don’t look at me, must be a whippersnapper thing. Ryker would probably know,” Mads said while lifting a slice of pizza to the red plastic plate in front of him.

“Ry and Jacob would totally know,” I said, diving in for a slice of my own.

“Then if Ten says it is totally good, I shall find the whacko song,” Stan announced with enough energy the people outside could’ve heard him.

It was great to be back home. I had really missed all of this. Mads, the town, my best friend, pizza, laughing, and just being able to forget the mess of the past month. If I buckled down, worked super hard when I went back to Tucson, I could be back here soon, super soon if I pushed myself. Hell, maybe I could be back on the ice in a few months…

Lunch sped past, and all too soon Stan had to go home to check on his snotty men. We hugged it out big-time, and I promised him I’d be home soon to help him study for his citizenship test.

Mads was all sprawled out in his seat, sipping coffee, looking at me over the rim of his mug. I picked up a crust that I’d left behind and took a bite out of it. I wasn’t hungry, far from it, but leaving a stuffed crust behind seemed like a crime.

“Did you notice how smooth your speech has been over lunch?” he asked over his steaming coffee.

“No, guess not.” Now that he’d pointed it out, I hadn’t gotten too mad at myself for falling over words or the annoying logjam of ideas trying to burst free. “Being home is good for me.”

“Having you home is good for me too.” He put his mug down. “We have the rest of the day. Are you feeling up to some shopping?”

“Yeah, totes.” I shoved the rest of the crust into my mouth and shot to my feet. Stan had taken the check over my and Mads combined protests, so I dug my wallet out and tossed a fat tip to the table.

“Whoa, slow down. Are you sure you’re feeling up to it?” Mads eyed me with concern. “It’s been a busy day so far. We could go home, nap, and then head back out.”

“You planning on slipping your big meat to me if we go home and go to bed?” I asked, then shoved my arm into the sleeve of my winter Railers jacket.

His eyes flared. “No, of course not, you’re healing. God, Tennant,” he sputtered, which entertained me to no end. He could sound like such a prude at times. What a dad.

“Well then, shopping it is.” I zipped up the thick woolen jacket. He sat there staring at me. “Come on, I’m fine. Better than… fine, I’m great.”

“No headache or pain of any kind?”

“I’m golden.” I folded my arms over my chest.

He sipped and studied me for five minutes until he had convinced himself that I was okay.

“Okay, one hour at the mall and then it’s home to bed. To rest,” he quickly clarified as he stood, then stretched. His sweater rucked up a bit to show me that sinful strip of toned belly. Shame he was so set on resting. I was up for more than a nap. A long, slow blow job sounded like heaven. “I mean it. No sex until you’re discharged.”

“Mads, that’s like some indefinite time. Could be… months!”

“Yes, it could be.” He gave me a knowing little smirk, patted my arm, and then headed to the door. I fell in behind him, and out into the cold we went. I squinted, then fished into my pockets for my shades. Mads waited for me to get them on.

“Which mall do you want to go to? Colonial Park or Strawberry Square?” God, he was smug all of a sudden.

“I want to talk about this… arbitrary decision you made… about no sex until I get sprung.” I planted my sneakers widely on the sidewalk and made a tree. No, that was leaving. Well, I made like a tree in that I put down roots.

“Here?” He waved his gloved hands at the shoppers rushing past. “You want to discuss my decision to make sure you take care of yourself and not overdo things by rushing into penetrative sex, right here?”

“Okay, first off, I said nothing about… penetrative sex. I was thinking about a blow job. Oh, sorry, ma’am,” I mumbled when an old lady in a purple knit hat gave me a dirty look. She huffed off, and so did Mads. I pulled up roots and jogged after him.

“We are not talking about this out in the open,” he told me when I caught up to him. Christmas music streamed out of a bakery door. “Actually, we’re not talking about this at all.” He stopped suddenly, then spun to face me. “As much as I want to, and trust me, Ten, I really want to, I am not going to jeopardize your recovery just to get my rocks off. You mean more to me than just something to slake my desire on. You’re my whole world, and you need to take it easy. If you can’t find the fortitude to curb your desires, then I’ll be the bastard and do it for you because I love you and I want you healthy.”

Okay. Well, wow. How did a man argue with that? “Can we maybe shower together and maybe… you know… shower together?”

His stern expression slipped just a bit. “God above, you’re tenacious.”

“That will serve me well… when I get back to Arizona, right?”

“Maybe a shower. Maybe. Right now, we’re going shopping for an hour. One hour. And then its home to rest and take your meds.”

“You’re such a worrier.” I rose to my toes to press my lips to his. The door to the bakery behind us opened, and Santa Bring my Baby Back to Me rolled out into the snowy street. “I love that… about you.”

He wrapped me in a hug and kissed me long and hard. “You’re everything to me, Tennant.”

“I know.”

“One hour of shopping, a nap, and then a shower.”

Yeah, man, I knew he’d start to see things my way. It really was a wonderful life, even if I had a killer long road ahead of me. With my man at my side, I knew I’d make it. He did that for me. Gave me strength, a solid base, and love. So much love. Lots of fretting too, but hey, that was all part of the love package, right?

“So maybe a shower first and then… a nap?”

“Tennant.”