I stood up when Suzy came back in. She smiled at me and I frowned at her.

“Where is he? Why won’t he come in?” I said.

She shrugged, “Wasn’t him. Pizza delivery guy came to the wrong apartment. He even tried to argue with me about it. Can you believe that? Some people.”

“Oh...” I said. I sank back down onto the couch.

Suzy sat down beside me again. She put a hand on my thigh to comfort me. “It’s okay. It’s for the best, really, that it wasn’t him there. That guy is a major asshole. From what I’ve read, I mean. Not that I’ve ever met him or anything.”

Something inside me slipped or broke. I’d really been expecting it to be him. Wanted it to be him.

I thought he was the sort of guy who would come and sort things out right away. But if he was too cowardly to even come and see me, maybe Suzy was right and it was good riddance.

Which was why I agreed to her next proposal.

She pulled my Samsung out of her pocket. “And now I’m going to do you another favor.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I’m going to block and delete him from your phone, and I’m also going to get rid of any pictures.”

There was still some resistance. “Are you sure? Maybe in a couple days, after we’ve both had a chance to think things through...”

She held up her hand in a way that reminded me of Mr. Diehl. “No, trust me. You have to be decisive. Sever. Cold turkey. It’s the only way.”

“Well...” I said.

It was too late, though. Even while we spoke she went through my phone and deleted him from it. When she finished she handed it back over.

“That’s that,” she said, “And now I think maybe you should get to bed. Don’t hesitate to shoot me a text if anything else comes up. I’m here for you. Love you, babe.”

She hugged me. I hugged back after a moment.

If this was the right thing to do, why did it feel so wrong?

***

“IT STILL FEELS TOO soon,” I said.

“It’s never too soon to start getting over someone. Trust me, the earlier you start the better it is,” Suzy replied.

It was Friday night, just a few days after I ended things so abruptly with Neil. Except they didn’t really feel ended.

It felt like one of those nights where I could just call or text him and then we could see each other for a fun night out.

Except I knew I couldn’t. Suzy made sure of that, deleting and blocking him from my phone. She’d also deleted that picture the waitress took of Neil and me at that trivia night.

That stung, and it made me resent her a little. Which I hated, because I knew she was only doing what she thought would help me most.

“I’m still not sure I’m ready,” I said.

Sharon, Lindsay, Suzy, and I all stood in line to get into the Poseidon Club, which was some new and hip place down by the Village.

And it was a big line. There had to be hundreds of people standing around us. Some unidentifiable but readily familiar club music that went unce-unce-unce hammered out like a heartbeat from the doors every time they opened.

Suzy’d even convinced me to put on a short black dress that ended much higher over the knees than I was normally comfortable with. She, Sharon, and Lindsay all wore similar getups.

Suzy had gotten us all together, telling me I needed to do something other than lay awake, staring at the ceiling.

And we were almost to the short set of stairs that led up to the double doors going inside. A couple of bouncers who looked like slabs of muscle with heads stuck on them guarded the door.

In a curiously dainty motion, one of the bouncers unhinged the thick velvet rope just in front of us to let another group of people in. Well, some of them.

“I paid $200 for this shirt!” A guy with frosted hair tips yelled at the bouncers.

“Should’ve kept your money,” I heard the bouncer with the clipboard say.

The guy stormed away down the street, pushing his way through the throng waiting to get in.

“Are you sure we can even get in?” Sharon said.

“Are you kidding?” Suzy said, “Women always get into these places. They have to keep a good ratio. They just don’t want it becoming a sausage fest.”

Lindsay laughed at that. I offered a weak smile.

I hoped they wouldn’t let us inside. Because wallowing sounded pretty damn good at that moment. Just by myself in my apartment, some ice cream, some popcorn, and the most horrifying horror movie I could find. Maybe the first Paranormal Activity. Anything to get my mind off things.

Then it was our turn.

The first bouncer didn’t even look down at his list. He checked us out then nodded at this partner manning the velvet rope.

Velvet rope guy undid the rope and waved us in, pulling one of the double doors open for us as well.

The inside consisted of two huge rooms with vaulted ceilings. Various lights, strobes and neons of all sort, speckled both those ceilings and spilled out onto the crowds below.

Both room were full of people swaying and moving to the beats some sunglass-clad DJ put out from a stage over in one corner.

Inside, I could feel the bass in my bones, the music more felt than heard.

I made a beeline for one of the many bars, and with some application of my elbows to the many others with similar ideas I soon reached the bar proper.

I wanted another glass of wine, and I even managed to grab the bartender’s attention.

“Shots!” Suzy yelled. She’d come up beside me. And she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“I really don’t think...” I started, putting my hand on Suzy’s shoulder and leaning in close so she could hear.

She turned a smile on me, then pulled me close, “Lindsay grabbed a table! Come on! Trust me, you need this!”

And that was how I found myself sitting around a table with my friends and a load of tequila shots on said table.

“So sorry, Rach,” Sharon said, “Suzy filled us in. It really sounded like you guys had something good.”

“Yeah,” Lindsay put it, “It was probably the right choice though. Has he tried speaking to you?”

I shrugged, “No, he’s not in my phone anymore.”

“He was so hot! And nice, from what you said,” Sharon continued.

Suzy butted in, started handing out shots, “He was the worst. Rach can do way, way better. Come on, shots!” She tossed hers back.

Sharon and Lindsay looked at each other, shrugged, and threw theirs back as well.

I took a sip from mine. I grimaced at the taste, at the burning of the alcohol in my throat. There was a big potted fern by our table. The leaves were too glossy to be real.

I poured my shot out in the dirt. No one noticed.

Suzy and the others were four shots in in no time, though.

“That guy was such a jerk!” Suzy said, “I can’t believe you went out with him.” She only slurred a little.

“He wasn’t so bad,” I replied.

Suzy leaned forward, pointed an accusing finger at me, “He was a liar, Rach! Liar, liar, pants on fire! You guys remember that one?” She laughed, hard, knocking over a couple of empty shot glasses.

Sharon and Lindsay shared a look. Sharon pulled the tray with the remaining shots away so that Suzy couldn’t spill them all if she flailed around again.

“I don’t know...” I said, “I still wish I could talk to him. Just to clear things up.”

I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t also slap him for making me feel the way I did, having to learn all that about him from that awful blond woman at my office.

“No, you gotta sever,” Suzy said, “It’s the best way. The only way.”

“It does help,” Sharon said, “I can’t believe he didn’t say anything for so long! Why did he do that?”

She directed the question at me, but Suzy answered.

“Because you were his secret. His dirty little secret. What an ass. Good looking, but a garbage person. Ain't that the truth of it though?” Suzy said. Even in the darkness of the club I could see the ruddy redness in her cheeks.

What’s gotten into her?

“That’s an awful thing, Suze! Dirty secret? What the hell?” Lindsay said.

“Hey,” Suzy said, her tone defensive, “Those are Rachel’s words, not mine! Ask her.”

I filled them in on my little at-work revelation.

“Oh, that Neil! Neil Telford! Oh my God, Rach, I can’t believe you went out with him!” Lindsay said.

I shrugged, “Apparently no one can.”

And that hurt almost as much as the breakup itself. I guessed the blonde was right, I was just his dirty little secret. His guilty pleasure, as Suzy put it to me when she picked me up that evening.

I still couldn’t quite wrap my head around that, though. Something still felt off. I just couldn’t figure out what.

And I was getting more and more annoyed, angry even, with Suzy every time she opened her mouth.

Which made me angry at myself. She’s just trying to help.

Once more, I found myself wishing rather irrationally for Neil. That he would understand how I felt perfectly and quickly and we could just work through this whole trouble in no time.

Except this time he was the trouble.

Sharon reached out and put her hand over mine, squeezing my palm. “It’s okay. You thought about a rebound, yet?”

“No,” I said, “I think that’s the last thing I need.”

“No, no,” Lindsay said, leaning forward so that her long blond hair brushed against the tabletop, “It’s the perfect way to get over a guy. That’s what I did when I split with my last boyfriend.”

“Yes!” Suzy said. Roared, more like. “That’s it! Just go out with a few more dudes, get that jackass Neil out of your system. God, I can’t believe that guy...”

My temper flared, “Suzy, you never even met Neil.”

She balked, her lips moving a little but no sound coming out. She grabbed another shot and threw it back down her throat, finishing by slamming the empty shot glass down on the tabletop.

“I know, I know,” she said, “I am just really feeling for you, okay? I feel like it’s at least partly my fault. I’m the one who pushed you the most to do the speed dating thing where you met him. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, reining in my temper. Suzy didn’t deserve the brunt of my wrath.

I was also worried about work, but didn’t want to dump that anxiety on my friends on top of this stuff with Neil.

I’d gotten everything done on time so far this week. That report went in before midnight. I did the next three-day assignment in two like Mr. Diehl stipulated. And I’d even powered through a final one for the week, making sure I could go out with the girls.

Except I knew it was a pace I couldn’t sustain. More, I kept thinking of what Neil told me. About how Mr. Diehl wanted me gone. How he was just waiting for the burnout to set in so that he had a reason to terminate me.

I hadn’t believed Neil at first. I still didn’t want to.

Then Suzy got up, nearly falling over. She grabbed my wrist and yanked me to my feet. “Time to party! Look at all those hot guys!”

I tried, I really did. I danced. But I couldn’t stand the feeling when some other guy tried to join in, putting his hands on my hips and cozying up behind me.

The first song barely ended when I begged off and told them I had some work I forgot about to get started at home.

The big bouncer saw me coming and unhooked the velvet rope. My body, accustomed to the bass, throbbed for a few moments out on the open street.

At the curb, I hailed a taxi. It was dark and I didn’t want to walk to the nearest station. But I wasn’t made of money so I told Yankees-cap-wearing driver to drop me off at my usual station uptown.

While in the cab, I brought out my phone and checked it.

I knew Suzy blocked and deleted Neil off my phone. But I wasn’t certain if he’d done the same to me.

I, of course, hadn’t memorized his number. Who did in this day and age of digital contact lists?

But I thought that maybe, if he really did want to get a hold of me, he could just get a different number and call or text me through that.

As a billionaire, I was sure he could justify the expense.

The funny thing was, even after being told about the true extent of his wealth I didn’t really think about his money. I did well enough on my own to afford a place in Brooklyn and I didn’t really care for much more.

But I digress. There were a few apologetic texts from the girls and some spam from AT&T about upgrading my phone. No calls or texts from unknown contacts.

Just take it for what it probably means. He doesn’t want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak with you. Move on with your life.

It sounded like the right thing. It just didn’t feel that way. There was no sense of closure.

But is there ever? Or is that just in stories?

I looked out at, as that classic rock song my dad liked went, the bright lights, big city and wondered where Neil was at that moment. What was he doing? Was he with anyone?

Except that hurt to think about, so I stopped. Or tried to, at least.