Time.
Such a simple word. Such a complicated concept.
I’d had so much of it, too much of it, wasting away in that small town that I couldn’t wait to leave. I didn’t even notice the ticking of the clock on the wall while I worked at the diner, never considered how many days had passed each time a new birthday rolled around. I didn’t even acknowledge time until the day I left that town, until the day I met Emery.
Then, time became a living, breathing, moving thing.
And it was entirely too fast.
I’d tried to hold onto it, to spread it out like jam. I wanted to taste every second, live inside each moment forever and then race to the next to see what waited for me there. Time had started, it had kicked to life with the force of a million years of waiting, shaking off rust and spreading its wings like it was born to do.
But now, that speed that I marveled at was my worst enemy.
Time was ticking by too quickly, and I needed to move — but I didn’t know where to go.
I didn’t let myself lay in the snow for long before I was blindly crawling to my feet and dragging myself back inside in a zombie state, racking my brain for anything he’d said over the past two weeks that would help me figure out where he was going. He’d turned off his phone, all of my calls and texts ignored, and the sickening possibility that I would really never see him again hit me like a boulder, flattening my heart, steamrolling me to the pavement.
“I just need to see something.”
“My grandmother just passed away, and there’s a place in Washington that was her favorite in the world. She made me promise I would go see it.”
I squeezed my eyes closed tighter, Kalo whimpering on the bed beside me as I thought through his journal entries, too.
But there was nothing.
No clues, no map, no reassurance that I had any chance in hell of finding him before it was too late.
My fingers were dialing Tammy’s number before I even realized, and when she answered, my chest ripped open with another sob.
“Oh, my God, are you okay?” Her voice was frantic. “Where are you? Did he hurt you? Was there an accident?”
“He’s gone,” I choked.
“Gone? What do you mean, gone? Did he just leave you? That little bastard—“
I shook my head as she continued, willing my breaths to come easier so I could speak. “I messed up. I lied to him and I read his journal and he caught me and everything just… blew up.” The wind howled outside with another gust of snow, as if to mimic my words. “He’s going to hurt himself, Tammy, and I have to find him. I have to stop him. But I don’t know where he went and I don’t know what to do and I just…” My voice trailed off, tears pooling in my eyes again. The snow outside blurred into one blinding, white blob. “I have to find him. I have to find him.”
“Okay, baby, calm down,” she soothed, and I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall hot down my cheeks. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out. Take a breath, start from the beginning, tell me what happened.”
It was a shortened, panicky version, but I somehow managed to get the words out to tell her everything. I told her about the first few days together, about when I discovered his journal, about how I’d promised myself I wouldn’t read it again after Vegas and then caved and did it, anyway. I told her everything that had happened, sparing no details, not even the ones I knew I should be ashamed of. I told her about his depression, about how it was getting better, or so I thought. And, with as much composure as I could muster, I told her about the last entry I read.
Just talking about it broke my heart all over again.
“I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed when there was nothing more to say. “He’s gone, and I don’t know where he’s going or how to stop him. His phone is off. I can’t…”
“Think,” she interrupted me. “Think long and hard about the conversations you’ve had with him. Is there anything you might have missed, any clues?”
“There’s nothing,” I said desperately. “I’ve cranked through every moment, every conversation, every journal entry. All I know is it’s somewhere in Washington. I thought maybe it was the bridge there in Seattle, the George Washington Memorial bridge, because it’s known for suicides but it doesn’t make sense. He said it was his Grandma’s favorite place in the world, it can’t just be a bridge.”
Tammy hummed on the other end of the phone, and I imagined her sitting on her front porch, one foot on the banister as she thought. It was her favorite place to think, our favorite place to be.
“Is there anyone you’ve met along the way who he might have trusted, someone he might have confided in?”
Emily was the first one to pop into my head, but I had no way to reach her, even if he had told her for some reason where it was he was going. We’d talked to a lot of people along the way, but Emery had barely told me anything about his grandmother — would he really tell a stranger?
Then it hit me.
“Oh my God.”
“What?” Tammy asked quickly, hope in her voice as I jumped up from the bed.
“Nora and Glen. We met this older couple in Colorado. We camped with them. We got high with them.”
“You what?” she asked, her voice a little more scolding this time.
“We were talking about lists, about places we wanted to go and things we wanted to do in our lives. But I don’t remember…” I closed my eyes, pressing my fingers into my temples as I tried to sort through the fog. “Ugh, I don’t remember! Everything is a blur.”
“Well, you were high. Which we will have a long conversation about after all this is over, by the way,” she said, her voice stern. “Can you get a hold of either of them? Do you have their numbers?”
I gasped. “I do! Oh my God, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this. I have to call Nora. I have to go.”
“Wait!” Tammy screamed just before I could end the call. “Listen to me. Call her, and please let me know if you find anything, but promise me you will sleep before you try to go anywhere. I’m serious. Emery just left, it’s dark, if he said he needs to see something, he’s not going to do anything tonight. You can’t drive the way you are right now.”
“I have to get to him.”
“I know you do, but promise me you’ll be safe. I have your location, I’m going to arrange a rental car for you to pick up in the morning. Okay? I’ll text you with the details.”
I sighed, nodding in agreement even though my heart was set on leaving the second I figured out where he was going. I only prayed Nora would know. “Okay. Thank you, Tammy.”
“I love you. It’ll be okay,” she promised, but I didn’t believe her. Nothing would be okay until I saw him again, until I held him, until I made him see.
But would I get the chance?
It turned out my trip had to wait until morning, anyway, because Nora didn’t answer my call. I left her a voicemail, begging her to call me as soon as she woke up, no matter what time. Sleep didn’t come that night, but I laid in bed, tossing and turning and torturing myself with all the what ifs.
My phone rang at four-thirty in the morning, and I woke from the half-sleep stupor I’d fallen into, hands scrambling for my cell.
“Nora.”
“Hi, sweetie. Where are you?”
“Portland,” I answered, throat raw as I moved to sit up in bed. Kalo stirred beside me, her little eyes heavy. She always picked up on my emotions, and I knew I’d drowned her in anxiety that night.
“Oh my, it’s so early there. I was going to wait until after we’d had coffee but your voicemail sounded urgent.”
“It was, I’m glad you called. Is Glen there, too? Can you put me on speakerphone?”
There was a shuffling noise, their voices faint in the background as they tried to figure out how to turn it to speaker. I would have giggled if I wasn’t so sick.
“Okay, you’re on with both of us. Is everything okay?”
“No.” My voice broke again, the weight of the situation heavy on my shoulders again. Time was running out. “Emery is gone. It’s a long story, one I don’t really have the time to tell right now, but I need your help.”
“What can we do?” Glen asked, his voice gruff.
“The night we camped out in Colorado Springs, when we made our lists… do you remember anything Emery said about Washington? Did he mention where he was going, or anything about his grandmother?” I shook my head. “I know it sounds strange, but… he’s in trouble… he’s going to hurt himself, I think…” I shook with another roll of nausea. “I have to find him, but I don’t know where he’s going. You’re my last hope.”
There was a pause on the other end, my cracked voice hanging in the space between us.
“Oh sweetie,” Nora said softly. “I’m trying to think… I don’t recall him saying anything about a place in Washington that night.”
My heart sank, the world falling down to the floor with it before bouncing back in a new, morphed reality. I heard my heartbeat loud in my ears, felt it kicking under my chest.
I couldn’t find him.
It wasn’t fair. It was cruel and sick and no matter how desperate I was, no matter how hard I tried to think, it was useless. He was gone, I didn’t know where he’d gone, and all connection to him had disappeared right along with his taillights.
I covered my mouth with one hand, eyes squeezing shut.
He’s gone.
“Okay, thank you,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you, too.”
“Palouse Falls.”
Glen’s voice was weary on the other end, his voice quiet, almost as if he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say.
“When Emery and I hiked together the morning you two left, he asked me if I’d ever been to Palouse Falls. He never said that’s where he was going, but… maybe that’s the place. I don’t want to get your hopes up, I can’t say for sure, but he mentioned it.”
“No,” I said, swallowing down the panic that had risen moments before. “No, it’s better than nothing. It’s a clue, it’s a start. It’s something.”
“I just don’t want to break your heart even more if you go and he isn’t there,” Glen said. “I know it hurts, but you need to be ready to let him go, Cooper. If you make this drive, if you go to find him and he’s not there, you need to be ready.”
But I didn’t hear him. I couldn’t hear those words, those foreign sounds and syllables.
I’d never be ready to lose him.
Time was ticking again, mercilessly propelling me forward in a race I never signed up for. It would either throw me into a world without Emery or straight into his arms, and I had no choice but to go with it blindly — knowing both were a possibility, praying only the latter would come true.
It was a five hour drive to Palouse Falls, and though fear prickled at my nerves, a sense of calm washed over me as I loaded Kalo up into the taxi that would take us to pick up the rental car.
He was still alive.
I could feel him, his soul tethered to mine, stretching across the distance. That pull, that string pulled taut was my only comfort.
Time pushed again, hands firm on my back, and I realized then that it wasn’t time I was racing at all — it was Death. It was knocking, bone fingers curling around the edges of the door, the wood creaking open as I closed my eyes and repeated one thought like a mantra.
I will find him.
I will find him.
I will find him.
I just hoped I’d find him first.