Chapter 14
Benjamin was desperate.
He had searched everywhere in the castle for Noelle and couldn’t find her anywhere. After he had slipped out to order her favorite breakfast, she was no longer in the bedchamber where he’d left her. Nor was she up in the counting house working on journals. She wasn’t in the breakfast room, the greenhouse, the aviary…
She had vanished without a trace.
“Your Grace?” a footman murmured. “Your carriage is ready.”
Of course his coach was ready. Benjamin had summoned it two hours ago, when he had believed Noelle was awaiting him in her chambers. But she was not there, she was not anywhere, and he was standing at the castle exit with his heart bleeding out of his chest. He had to say goodbye.
Yet he could not dally any longer. He should not even have stayed last night. At this point, he would have to race south, stopping for fresh horses as often as possible, to have a prayer of reaching London in time to be in his seat when the current session of Parliament began.
“Your Grace?” the footman tried again, his voice hesitant. “Should we have your driver return the coach to—”
“No. I’m going now.” Benjamin whirled away from the empty receiving hall and strode outside into blinding sunlight.
Some might consider Cressmouth at its most picturesque with a fine layer of snow dusting every surface and even more snowflakes drifting lazily from the skies. Benjamin was not fooled by its beauty. This morning’s windstorm had been warning enough. He needed to get off this mountain and back to a main road as quickly as possible. Even if it meant leaving without seeing Noelle.
He climbed up into his coach and took his place against the plush squab. His hands should not be shaking. He had known this moment would come. Had been looking forward to leaving Cressmouth behind.
Now it felt as though he was leaving the most important part of himself behind with it.
He swung his gaze from the empty heavens to the castle. There lay another hard truth. Grandfather might have kept the locket from him all these years, but the old man had never possessed the power to deprive Benjamin of loved ones.
That was something he had been achieving on his own.
He signaled his driver and the horses started off down the snow-packed lanes. Soon Benjamin would be home. His chest should not feel this empty. He had known attachments could not last. His mother’s gold locket had proven love was only a symbol, not something he was destined to keep. Just like Noelle. He was glad he had given her the locket. She was just as dear to him as the people inside. And destined to remain far out of reach.
The wind picked up force. He ignored it. No matter how low the temperature dropped, it was far colder in his heart. A wise man would lower his shields for no one, but Benjamin feared it was too late for that. The drawbridge had already been breached. Noelle was inside.
Any more time with her, and the damage would be irreversible. His soul would be inextricably linked to hers. Retreating while he still could was the only way to protect his heart.
If there were any pieces left unbroken.
The castle slipped from view. He tried not to feel the loss. There was no room in his life for sentimentality. He was expected to speak on a new law within a week. To meet with a half dozen committees dedicated to improving the lives of citizens all over England. That was his priority. His duty. How could a man in his position possibly choose one person over many, no matter how much he loved her?
He almost slid out of his seat in shock. He loved her.
Bloody hell. It was too late for defensive measures. He had not fortified his shields in time. Precisely as he had feared, his soul was bound to hers—and he still had to leave.
He tightened his fists in his lap. This desperation clawing through his chest proved the point. If he married Noelle, he would want to spend every moment of his time with her, wherever she might be. That wasn’t a choice. Such a union would either mean shirking his duties to Parliament or his commitment to his wife.
Neither outcome was acceptable. He could not force Noelle to London only to leave her in an empty home while he spent all his time in the Palace of Westminster, embroiled in endless committees. Besides, she had no wish to leave Cressmouth. He had asked her. She had been clear.
The carriage clopped by a merry red sign partially dusted with snow:
Thank you for visiting Christmas!
His gut twisted in revulsion. Was it any wonder he hated the holiday? All it had ever brought him was loss.
This time, he had caused the loss himself.
Driving away and leaving Noelle behind wasn’t allowing him to return to his old life. It was destroying an alternate one. A better life he couldn’t have.
His heart clenched with longing as he thought of how sweet she had looked in the morning light, sleeping softly by his side. She was an angel.
A sudden drop of ice pierced him inside at the realization of what he had done.
He had hurt her so badly the first time he had left, never to return. Now he was doing it all over again. No wonder she was avoiding him, as though he didn’t exist. As if the passion they had shared was meaningless. Soon, it would be.
All that would be left was the imprint each had left behind.