PATRICK

 

If you asked anyone if they would like to trade places with me and do what I was about to do, they’d say no. It took a lot of courage to sit down with someone that you’ve hurt profoundly and explain your actions to them. It also took a lot to beg for forgiveness especially when the person you hurt hasn’t been given the opportunity to air their grievances because they were robbed of their chance to do that and in the end, they still might not forgive you.

If you thought about it, what right did I have to seek forgiveness anyway? I was a prick and a coward, and I got scared, and instead of talking through my fears and feelings, I said things to her and ran away because I couldn’t handle the stuff that scared me. The stupid part was, I was afraid of something that probably wouldn’t have happened anyway. The fear of the unknown is a bitch, it makes you do things you usually wouldn’t do, and it’s that same fear that places hurt on people like falling dominoes.

I didn’t know what was going to happen tonight, but I was going into it not expecting anything other than explaining what was going through my mind. I wanted to explain why I did what I did and then sitting back and give her the opportunity to speak her mind until she said everything she’s wanted to say to me for a long time.

After I allowed Emily to cool off, I proposed the idea of sitting down over lunch or dinner to talk about everything once and for all.

“Alright, thank you. I’ll stop by here around three o’clock and check in to see if you’ve decided. Okay?”

“Okay but no promises, remember. If I decide that I don’t think it’s a good idea still, no guilt trips, got it?”

“Deal. I promise I won’t bother you about this anymore.”

“Okay, I’ll see you this afternoon.”

I kept my promise and left her alone all morning, and I didn’t even see her on this side of the school. It wasn’t until noon did I pop in and check in to see if she changed her mind somewhat and would agree to at least have lunch with me. She turned down with the understanding that having a much needed conversation wasn’t suitable for the workplace.

This was a personal matter and should be handled in a personal location. Besides, I didn’t think the hour-long lunch period was enough time to talk about everything she and I needed to address.

“Knock. Knock.” I rapped on the open classroom door before I stepped in. It was the end of the day, and the children had come and gone a long time ago.

“Hey.”

“How’d everything go today?” I asked.

“Smooth, fortunately. No problems today.” she exhaled.

“So, I thought that I would pick you up and since I don’t know the area too well, you could decide where we could go? Somewhere casual but also a place that would give us the opportunity to have a little more privacy than normal. What do you think?”

“Hmm, okay. How about Donna’s? It’s nothing special, just a fifties themed diner.  It’s open in the evenings but its peak period is breakfast and lunch, so we’d get enough privacy in the evening. Plus, I haven’t had a meal there in a long time, and I miss their pancakes.”

“Pancakes for dinner?” I chuckled.

“What’s wrong with that, you know I love pancakes.”

“I know you do, but I figured you’d have broken that habit by now or at least realize that it’s better during the day.”

“Never!” she giggled.

“How’s seven?”

“Sounds great.”

I was afraid of the tears more than anything else. When women cried, especially Em, I never knew what to do. I mean what can you do besides comfort her and comfort wasn’t the saving grace with all of this. All I could do is listen to her and continue to talk about this until the past was truly the past and we both were willing to move on. My main goal was to have her forgiveness, maybe become friends again and better yet, maybe more. I’d like to find peace with her after all of this.

I arrived at her apartment at seven o’clock on the dot. I never liked being late, and it said a lot about someone who had strong time management skills. I parked my rental car on the street and inserted enough coins for the meter which should have been more than enough time in case she was quite ready still.

Walking up the steps, Emily had quite the beautiful apartment building, I wished I had noticed it before. It was a brownstone with a glass security door where visitors had to be buzzed in, to be let inside. I pressed the black button next to the name ‘Tucker’ a few times until I received an answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.” It was enough.

“If you’re looking for Morgan, she’s still getting ready, but I’ll buzz you up.”

The security door made a quick buzzing noise, and I heard a quiet, almost inaudible click when the doors unlocked. After knocking, her apartment door swung open roughly a few seconds later and her roommate Kennedy appeared in the doorway.

“Hi, I’m Kennedy, Morgan’s roommate. Come on in,” she spoke with a scowl. I wasn’t quite sure what Emily told her about me, but I guessed it wasn’t that good.

“Thank you.”

“You’re Patrick, right?” she eyed me. “She told me all about you and what you did to her. Just know that I’m watching you closely.”

“I don’t blame you. I completely deserve it.”

“Hmm,” Kennedy muttered. “Want something to drink?”

“No, thank you.”

“Are you sure? Seems like you have more fun when you drink.”

“I…uh...” I chuckled nervously. “I’m…uh…fine. Thank you. We’re going out to eat, so I’ll have one there.”

 “Which restaurant?” She was throwing a barrage of questions at me, but I don’t blame her.

“Not sure yet. She did mention a place called, Donna’s. I think. I asked her to pick one for us since I’m not from the area.”

“I see. She told me about you, you know.” Kennedy confessed. “I won’t go into it, but I know all about what happened, at least her perspective at least and I must say it was a really shitty thing you did, and I have half a mind…but out of respect for her, I’m going to continue being civil.”

“I appreciate that, and I just want you and her to know that I never meant to hurt her, I really didn’t. I was a coward and took the easy way out.”

“You call hurting her easy?”

“Yeah, your right, it wasn’t easy for neither one of us. I didn’t want to hurt her like that, but that’s why we’re sitting down. I wanted to explain myself, there’s more to this whole thing than what she knows. Things I didn’t really explain to her.”

“Oh really?” That piqued her interest. Her eyebrow raised. “I can’t wait to hear this.”

“Hear what?” Emily came out of her room in a beautiful blue dress and matching heels putting on an earring on the still bare piercing.

“We were just talking about tonight and the explanations I owe you,” I answered before Kennedy had a chance to.

“Yes, you do have a lot of explaining to do.”

“I do, and I promise you I will explain everything to you as well as listen to what you have to say. I don’t want to go home tonight without accomplishing at least that.”

“Alright, I’m holding you to that.” she gave a courteous smile.

“So, you said you wanted to go to Donna’s?” I asked.

 “Yes, I was going to suggest someplace else, but that seemed like a good enough place, it’s not like we’re on a date or anything. Just a much-needed conversation over a nice, basic meal.”

“Agreed. Are you ready to go?” I gestured towards the front door.

“Just about, I just have to grab my purse. Bye!” she waved to her roommate.

“I’ll have her back before curfew.” I joked, my last attempt at humor but Kennedy didn’t even crack a smile.

Several minutes later, we made it to the diner, and I immediately find a parking spot out in front, “Allow me.” I said, holding the door open for her as Emily stepped inside.

The diner looked precisely what I imagined it would look like. Jukebox in one corner, and fifties style booths throughout the premises and waitresses donning the same garb they wore over sixty years ago.

After we walked inside, we ended up choosing a booth near the back corner so that we could have some privacy and wasn’t saying it would happen but if there were a moment where Emily felt the need to yell at me, it wouldn’t be heard by everyone. I was going to try and avoid that from happening as much as possible. I didn’t want to upset her or hurt her anymore. I wanted everything to just be done with.

“So, what’s good here?” I asked.

“Besides the blueberry pancakes slathered in maple syrup?”

“Yes, besides that.” I laughed.

“The meatloaf sandwich, the bacon cheeseburger, the pastrami sandwich and the chili cheese fries are my favorites.”

“Hmm. They all sound good. I think I’ll go for the bacon cheeseburger and the chili cheese fries.” I rubbed my stomach.

“Oh, now I can’t decide.” she laughed.

“Tell you what. How about you order the pancakes and I’ll figure out what to order for myself, and we can share.” I suggested. She eyed me for a moment, and I could tell that she was contemplating the idea because she would have the best of both worlds if she agreed.

“Okay. We can go with that.” Emily finally gave in.

“Hi there, everyone calls me Dot. I will be your waitress for this evening. Do you two want anything to drink?”

“Yes, but we’re ready to order also.”

“Alright, what can I get ya?” the waitress asked, her writing pad poised.

I gestured towards Emily, so she could order first, “I’ll take the deluxe pancake breakfast. Blueberry pancakes with wheat toast and I’ll take sausage instead of bacon. I’ll have a black coffee and a glass of orange juice.”

“Great, and you sir?”

“I’ll take a coke, and I’ll also have a bacon cheeseburger and a side order of chili cheese fries,” I answered.

“Great, can I get you guys anything else before I put the order in?”

“No, I think that’s it.”

“Alright, great. I will put this order in and get your drinks to ya.”

“Thank you very much,” I said to Dot, our waitress before she walked away. “So…” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yes?” she fidgeted in her seat across from me.

“I wanted to thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain myself. I know it’s much more than what I deserve and frankly, I don’t deserve anything. I mean I owe you everything, but before I get into that, I wanted you to go first. That’s if you had anything to say about all of this first?” I apologized.

“No, you can go first, I wanted to hear what you had to say that you think would justify everything you did.”

“Well, I guess I could start with explaining why I did what I did, huh?” I asked.

“Yep, that would be the smart thing.”

“I guess, it all started when your father died. You know how close he and I were.” I confessed. “He was the father I never had. I never had that father figure in my life, and when I met your parents and boy I was nervous, I was surprised they took an immediate liking to me. Your father especially.”

“You two bonded quickly.” she smiled at the memory just as the waitress arrived with our orders.

“Here you guys go, the pancake breakfast for you Miss and for you sir a bacon cheeseburger with fries. Here is also the coffee, orange juice, and your coke.”

“Thank you very much,” I said to Dot before continuing the conversation. “We did, and I was surprised, but I figured, what the hell and ran with it. Before I knew it, he was like the father I never had. Both of your parents meant so much to me, and everything was perfect. When your father died, I was crushed.”

“You weren’t the only one who suffered, Patrick. Don’t forget, he was my father. I struggled with his passing too, and instead of you being there, you took off. We could have been there for each other, but you left, and I don’t know why.” Emily argued, a tear struggling to break free.

“I left because I was a coward. I couldn’t handle the pain of your father’s passing. He meant so much to me, and I couldn’t deal with the loss. I had so much of that growing up, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. When your father died, it broke me. I was drowning in my own sorrow, and I couldn’t find my own way out of it. The idea of going through all of that, being there for you and continuing the other areas of my life was so overwhelming for me, I panicked. I said whatever I had to say to control all of the emotions that were heightened at the time. I know it doesn’t excuse the choice I made, and I’m not asking for forgiveness because I don’t deserve it, but you deserved to know the truth behind some of my decisions and why I did what I did.”

I continued, “I admit it, I was a coward. Instead of supporting you in your grief, I was so wrapped up in my own. I never gave you the chance to support me in return, and instead, I abandoned you and ran away.”

“You really hurt me, Patrick.”

“I know I did and I am truly sorry for doing that. I know an apology isn’t enough after coming up with the worst explanations ever and I should have not only been supportive, but I should have been honest about what I was going through. I mean, how could I even begin to spend the rest of my life with someone if I was still not able to communicate with them properly. Once a person becomes part of a couple, it’s at that point each person needs to start thinking about the other person, and I didn’t even do that for you.”

“I needed you during that time, Patrick. You were my rock. When we were together, we talked about the future and other things so much. Not only did you leave but you said you couldn’t imagine a future with me. You said that you didn’t want to marry me or have kids with me. That you really didn’t feel that way and just only said you wanted all of those things with me because you were scared of my reaction if you didn’t commit.” she started to cry.

I can’t handle women crying because I never what to do but instead of backing off or letting it scare me, I wanted to be there for her when I couldn’t do so in the past. I got out of my side of the booth and sat down next to her on hers. I pulled her to me and just held here as I explained to her the rest of what was going on with me at the time.

“That was a lie, I loved you back then, Emily. I still do, I’ve always loved you. When we talked about our future together, I meant it because I wanted all of those things. To be honest, I think I said I didn’t want those things because I hoped you would forget about me and move on faster instead of just taking off without saying goodbye. I know I was wrong and it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.”

“You not only abandoned me, but you also said hurtful things and admitted to lying about wanting to be with me. So how can I believe anything you’re saying right now?”

“I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to trust me. I know I pretty much lost any opportunity to be trusted for the next century but it’s true, that’s the only way. I would like for us to build a platonic friendship is all I’m asking. I wouldn’t dare of asking you for more, even though we’ve kind of crossed that line a lot of times already.” I chuckled.

“I don’t know what I believe anymore, Patrick. I don’t know if I’m capable of trusting anyone, let alone you. This whole thing is just too much to bear, and it just hurts. It’s going to take some time to forgive you but I’m willing to take the first step in doing so.”

“I’m willing to do that too. I can give you all of the time you need.” I agreed and kissed Emily on the top of her head before returning to my side of the booth.