Chapter 16

 

By Wednesday, Max was simply sad. He guessed he’d spent his rage over the weekend, which had helped. Now, he just missed her. How was she? Was her family there for her in ways he couldn’t be? Despite how upset he was that she’d left him, he hoped she’d find comfort in them. He’d never forget the desolate look on her face when he’d tucked her into bed a week ago. He hadn’t heard from her since.

He stopped to get his mail from the box outside his complex, then headed inside. It was still cold, mirroring his inner chill. He’d lost a child. Had he lost Whitney?

Changing into jeans and a sweatshirt with thick socks Whitney had bought for him, he thought about ordering something to eat. He wasn’t hungry, but he had responsibility to the government to take care of himself. So he called in for Chinese food, popped a beer and sat down to open the letters.

Some bills. A flyer. A notice from the condo complex that they’d be doing repair work on the roof, which had leaked from the snow. A postcard from Eddington Alumni Society. He flipped it over. Yeah, he remembered now. His last high-school class reunion was fun. This year, the classmates in the Washington area decided to get together before another full reunion. He’d sent in a response that he wouldn’t be attending. He noticed there was something handwritten on it: “Max, there’s still time for you to come to our little dinner. I know you’re in D.C. Please reconsider. Ella.”

Ella Underwood, his high school sweetheart. She wanted him to go the gathering. He’d gone to the last one with Whitney. At that point, Ella had recently gotten divorced, no kids, and looked like a million bucks. Whitney said it was obvious she’d had face surgery, and her body was still as curvy as when she was eighteen. She’d been his first real girlfriend. His first lover.

A memory assaulted him…

“Thanks for coming with me,” he’d said to Whitney as they entered the ballroom. “I don’t even know why I wanted to.”

“To see old friends?” She elbowed him. “Old girlfriends?”

A wink. “Maybe.”

“Remember, buddy. Before you let some bimbo drag you off to the bathroom for a quickie, that you and I have an agreement. No other nookie while we’re together.”

“Could you be any more irreverent?”

“It covers my dark side pretty well.”

Unfortunately, Max knew that to be true.

Once inside, they headed for Reception.

“Hi, y’all.” Ella was at the welcome desk. “Why John Blackwell, as I live and breathe, I never thought you’d come to one of these things. Big tough Secret Service agent that you are.”

“We thought it might be fun.” He slid his arm around Whitney. “This is Whitney Dwyer. A friend.”

“Ah. Welcome, Whitney. You can hang those coats right over there if you want.” She pointed to a small anteroom to the left. “But be sure to come back and chat with me, Max.”

They walked to the closet. Whitney took off the light coat she wore.

“Holy, fuck, girl. You look sexier than hell.” He’d been late picking her up and she’d already put on the black wool wrap. The blue dress was beaded and fit every single curve she had. When she did a little pirouette, he saw it dipped to her waist in the back. He almost swallowed his tongue. “Come with me.”

“Wait, where?”

“The bathroom. You put ideas into my head by mentioning that earlier and then the dress took me over the edge.”

“Why, Mr. Blackwell,” she said batting her eyes. “As I do live and breathe, you are a bad boy…”

They didn’t go to the bathroom, of course, but they’d left the party early, and when they got home, she did a slow striptease for him. The sex had blown the top of his head off.

He wanted that again. He wanted her again, here, not only for sex but to spend their days and nights together. To talk about things that happened during the day. Even reading with her by his side. She made everything enjoyable, like the reunion. She made him happy.

Usually.

He wondered if she’d ever come back.

o0o

Declan walked into the foyer of his parents’ house still wearing his army camos. He’d been on one of his missions to the Middle East and when he’d landed in Rockford, he got a message from Connor to come straight to his family home. Worried, he’d driven the half hour like a madman. “Hello, anybody here?”

“We’re back here in the family room.” The voice was Connor’s and sounded sane.

He calmed some at the tone and strode down the hall to the kitchen. The two of them, Whitney and Connor, had their heads bent, playing Scrabble on the floor. They looked more alike than he and Connor because Dec had blondish hair.

Whitney noticed him first. “Dec!” She rolled to her feet, hurried across the space between them and threw herself into his arms. He held her, knowing by the tenseness of her body that the problem was with her.

“Will you tell me what’s going on? I’m worried sick.”

“I’ll tell him.” Connor stood. “You don’t have to.”

Whitney let go and folded her arms at her waist. “No, I can do this. I’ve got to talk about it sometime.”

“Somebody tell me!”

They sat on the couch and chair. “I had a miscarriage.”

Declan sucked in a breath. “I didn’t know you were pregnant.” He’d been away for a while. He took a bead on her. “Max, right?”

“How did you know?”

“You commiserated with me about being alone on Thanksgiving. You were sad most of that time, and it seemed because he didn’t come. But even before that, I got vibes.”

“Huh.”

He took her hand. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better. Almost back to normal.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

She bit her lip. “I never asked. Con, you know, right?”

His brother explained what Max had been told by the doctor.

“Chromosomal abnormality is the most common cause of miscarriage.” Declan could hear the sadness in his own voice.

“They pretty much ruled everything else out.”

Squeezing her hand, he leaned in closer. Kissed Whitney’s head. “You okay physically?”

“The doctor said I came through the D and C fine.”

“In most cases, the woman can conceive again, honey.” Declan put the statement in declarative terms because he sensed Whitney was still very raw.

Her face blanched.

Connor intervened. “I think it’s too soon to be talking about that.”

“She should at least know.”

“You’re right.” Whitney shook back her hair. “Connor’s coddled me enough, though I do appreciate it, Con. I’m glad to have all the information now.”

Declan glanced at his watch. “I have to pick up the girls at school. Their mother left this morning. I’m taking them out bowling and then for supper.”

A smile from Whitney. “I haven’t seen them since I got here. I couldn’t, Dec. I’m sorry.”

“Why don’t you two come with us? Get you out of the house.”

Whitney’s face brightened. “That would be great.”

“Mama and Pa could come, too. Where are they anyway?”

“They have a potluck dinner at church. They went over early to help set up.”

He peered down at his clothes. “I’d like to get out of these things before the girls see me. They get scared at the uniform.”

Declan’s girls had a crazy schedule. His ex-wife had agreed to let them go to school in Lakeview, where they’d grown up. When Declan went on missions, which were shorter than usual deployments because he was in a special division of the reserves, she took time off and came here. Vacations with them had been decided by the court, but they were generous with each other about that.

“As you know, Mama keeps a whole closet full of boys’ clothes.” Connor angled his chin upstairs. “Go ahead and change.”

In twenty minutes, they’d picked up all his kids. Maggie, the oldest, hugged him, but he could feel her remoteness. He’d been trying to break through her barrier for a while. The younger ones, Morgan and Melody, wrapped their arms around him and he held on tight.

Maggie threw herself at Whitney with pure enthusiasm, though. “Aunt Whitney. What are you doing home?”

Whitney basked in the feeling of her niece close to her. “Taking some time to visit.”

“Is Uncle Max with you?”

“No, not this time. He had to work.”

Lakeview Bowl was new and Whitney had never seen the entertainment venue they’d added. “Wow, Dec, this is great,” she said of the video-arcade section. “How long has it been here?”

“This part of the building was done last year.”

“Daddy was on the committee that planned it.” This from Meli.

“Did I know that?” she asked.

“Maybe not. Things have been hectic.”

Maggie grabbed Whitney’s hand. “Come bowl with me.”

“Okay.” She was smiling when she left with his daughter.

As Meli and Morgan headed to the video arcade, Declan asked Connor, “What the hell happened?”

“It’s been a long few weeks.”

“First, I want to know how she really is.”

“She’s better. I think talking about it for the first time, showing curiosity is a sign of healing.”

“It is. Now, tell me right from the beginning what happened and where the fuck is Max?”

o0o

Whitney took out her cell phone two days later. Declan had lavished attention on her and combined with his kids’ presence in her life, she began to feel more normal.

And very guilty. She’d totally cut Max out of all this.

She clicked into Contacts, found his information, then pressed Send Message.

Hi. She didn’t have any idea how to begin this conversation, so she only sent that.

A return text. Right away. Hi.

Oh, thank God, he answered. She decided to go with her gut.

I’m sorry.

It took him a few seconds to respond. Okay. Max wouldn’t say her transgressions didn’t matter. She liked that he just forgave.

How are you?

Sad.

Me, too.

How did she begin? Before she could decide, he texted again, How are you feeling physically? I’ve worried about that.

Of course he had. She could have at least let him know that she’d healed. I’m almost back to normal. I’ve been pretty active the last few days with Dec and the kids.

Good to hear.

She knew she needed to give him more. She wanted to. I miss you.

I miss you, too. Are you ever coming home?

Yes, I am, I promise.

When?

Good question. When would she go back to him? Would he even let her close again after her disappearing act? Should they even be together now that she wasn’t pregnant? And mostly, what the hell did Whitney want out of her life?

o0o

“What do you think of Crane’s actions these last weeks?” Max’s team had been assigned to review the procedures so far, and he asked Mike Ross the question. The young agent had potential, though Max wished Mike wouldn’t look up to him so much. These days he felt like crap.

“I think there’s something we missed.”

“Tell me.” Max liked teaching new agents, and the rest of Friday was spent guiding Mike through the process of analysis of traveling protocol.

Near the end of the day, Max was finishing up paperwork when the receptionist came in, visibly harried. “Max, do you have a minute?”

“Of course.”

“There’s a man downstairs at security who wants to see you. He’s been calling for Whitney all week and, today, is pretty insistent on talking to you. Apparently, he decided to come over. He was part of your last investigation and works for Social Security, so he isn’t some maniac.”

Something very male surfaced inside him. He was surprised, as he hadn’t felt anything other than anger and pain for a while. “Let me guess. His name is Jake Coleman.”

Her brows rose. “How did you know?”

“Let’s just say I expected this at some point. Would you tell security to send him up?”

When Coleman came through the door, Max stayed behind his desk. “Hello, Jake.” The guy looked even more handsome today, even more attractive, a fact Whitney had pointed out those first days after the fiasco with Angie.

“Max. Sorry to bother you, but I’ve been trying to contact Whitney. I was told she wasn’t here every time I called.”

“She isn’t. She took some comp days after the case.”

“I thought maybe she was putting me off.”

Max didn’t respond to that.

“Mind if I sit?”

He did mind. But Max needed to deal with this guy now.

“Odd ending for the case, wasn’t it?” Coleman said after he dropped down on a chair across from Max.

“I can’t talk about an investigation with you.”

“I was briefed, Max. This happened on my home turf. But what I meant was that the scope of the attack was bigger than we thought. I waited until it was completely resolved to get in touch with Whitney.”

With feigned relaxation, Max pushed his chair out and sat back. “What do you need Whitney for?”

Coleman’s classic face showed surprise. “She said she’d go out with me after the case was over.”

“I was under the impression she said you asked her about that and she said no.”

“She said she’d think about it.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Time to put this fire out. “I don’t know why she would say she’d date you, Coleman.” He leaned over, going for the kill. “Whitney and I are getting married.”

o0o

On Friday afternoon, Whitney was plagued with one thought. She should go back to D.C. Deal with Max. See what was left of the rest of her life. She’d almost finished making dinner when Uncle Tony came into the kitchen. The scent of homemade turkey soup filled the room. He sniffed. “That’s my girl,” he said affectionately when he came to the stove. “Let me taste.”

She’d made the soup along with an antipasto. Aunt Deidre had baked bread this morning. “Here you go.” She brought the spoon to his mouth.

“Hmm.” He pointed at the cookie jar. “I’m going to have my afternoon coffee and an anise toast bar.” Whitney remembered the routine and how he dunked the cookie into the brew. “Join me?”

They sat together at the old oak table. They sipped and dunked, sipped and dunked. When they finished their treat, he grasped her hand across the table. “I’d like to tell you something.”

“Of course, Pa.”

“I didn’t say anything sooner because you seemed so fragile.”

“I’m better now. Say whatever you like.”

He pierced her with that gaze. She and Connor had gotten into trouble as kids, and that was the look they dreaded. “You should go home to Max.”

That was the last thing she expected.

“Oh.”

“It’s okay if you needed time to grieve. Time to heal. And so did Max.” Pa often had words of wisdom for her, but he’d said very little about the miscarriage or her leaving Max since she’d been here.

“I know I should go back.”

“It would have been better if you had grieved together.”

There was something about his tone. “How do you know?”

“Because Deidre had a miscarriage before Gabe was born. We wanted babies and were afraid this meant we couldn’t have them. She was inconsolable. So was I. Somehow, we managed to comfort each other. Eventually, the future didn’t seem so bleak anymore.” He gestured around the kitchen. “You can see the life we built. There’s hope after a tragedy like this.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I never knew.”

“Deidre and I discussed whether, at some point, we should tell you children about our ordeal. In the end, we decided not to because we didn’t want to burden you with it.”

“I understand, Pa.”

“I know the rest of them aren’t telling you what to do. And maybe that was good at first. But no more. It’s time to go home, honey. To go to Max.”

o0o

Max dreaded another Saturday alone. His dad had asked him to come over to watch some hockey, but he didn’t want to be with anybody today.

Except for Whitney.

The thought made his stomach clench. There had been no more texts. She didn’t initiate them, and so he hadn’t, either. She needed to come to him when she was ready. He flipped on the TV just as the athletes on each side were lining up in formation. Ten minutes later, he was so bored he switched the set off. He got up and went to the kitchen. Not even hungry, he opened the fridge. He hadn’t gone shopping since Whitney left. But he grabbed a bottle of water. On his way out, he heard the front door open.

He froze.

It closed.

No one called out, but only his dad and one other person had a key. And Max had talked to his father on the phone an hour ago.

Max held his breath, and soon, Whitney appeared in the kitchen. She watched him. He watched her. Her eyes were bright, her complexion ruddy. Wearing jeans, boots, a heavy sweater and navy quilted vest, she made him long to hold her.

“Hi.” He had to grip the counter to steady himself.

She drew in a heavy breath. “I…I don’t know how to begin.”

Letting himself operate on instinct, he closed the distance between them and pulled her to him. She went willingly. He held her tight and she held him tight right back. His hand went to her hair, which flowed down her back. His other arm banded around her. They didn’t speak. When he could, he stepped back. There were tears in her eyes, coursing down her cheeks. Throughout their time together, he hadn’t seen Whitney cry once, not even after the miscarriage.

Reaching up, he scrubbed her face with his thumbs. She kissed his hand.

“Don’t cry, love,” he said, which only increased the flow. He drew her to him again, and she sobbed the misery out.

When she was done, he gave her some napkins, and after she mopped her face, he led her to the couch. He couldn’t believe she was here and he was determined never to let her go, no matter what she said.

Whitney couldn’t believe Max’s response. He didn’t yell at her for leaving him. He didn’t tell her all the things she’d told herself on the flight home: he was hurt, too, he needed her. “I’m so sorry for leaving you, Max.”

“I can’t say it’s okay, Whitney. We should have dealt with this together. But you’re back, and that’s what matters now.”

“Does it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Can you forgive me abandoning you?”

“I can, if you promise not to do it again. I can’t go through you taking off another time. But what I want now is for us to be together.”

“About that.”

His face reddened. “Don’t you dare tell me we can’t be together because you aren’t pregnant or don’t ever want to be. I don’t care. I’ve learned my lesson through this whole ordeal that I misguidedly started New Year’s Eve. No matter what, Whitney, we’re going to be together.”

Shocked, not at his outburst, but she liked what he said about being together. “Okay, I promise. I wasn’t going to anyway.”

He deflated. “Oh.”

“I was planning to tell you that I don’t know where I am with the child thing. I need more counseling, because this is a new, very big fear we have to live with.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I can get to the point of risking pregnancy again, then we’ll have to live with the fear of losing him or her again, along with all my other hang-ups about pregnancy.”

“They aren’t hang-ups, babe. They’re reality-based reactions to a horrible event you went through when you were five.”

“They are. But I’ve got to get over the anxiety before I can even think about another child.” Now she took his hand. “But I know one thing. I want to manage the syndrome, and I don’t want to do any of it without you.”

He closed his eyes. Breathed deeply. “Thank God. I was afraid this would come between us.”

“No, no more. Max. I promise.”

He opened his eyes. Now mischief replaced the sadness. “Oh, good, because I told Jake Coleman we were getting married.”

“What? When? How did that come about?”

He stood. “Not now. Now I want to go to bed and with you.”

“I’d like nothing better. But the doctor said we had to wait two weeks for sex.”

“We won’t have sex. I want to hold you close all day, take a nap, and wake with you. Know that this isn’t a dream that you’re finally home.”

“I like that idea.”

“Me, too.”

He stood, reached over and picked her up. She didn’t protest. Instead, she cuddled into him, secure in the knowledge that Max was willing to forgive her for deserting him and see her through what would be a tumultuous near future. Only Max would be so accepting of her, would care for her this much. He was the only man she wanted to be with and always would. The thought made her smile as they headed to the bedroom.

 

THE END

 

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Author’s Note

 

When my proofreader read ONLY WITH YOU, her comment was, “You were sure hard on Whitney.” I suppose I was. Not intentionally, though. I remember Nick’s comment in ABOVE AND BEYOND, that she saw things in black and white and someday, he hoped she’d learn to be more flexible. (Yes, I always talk about my characters as if they were real, as if they actually said these things.) I viewed what happened with her and Max as a situation where Whitney had to give in, had to compromise, had to open herself up to other views. She would have forgiven Max for what he did even if she wasn’t pregnant. And for what it’s worth, I didn’t plan for the miscarriage. Often in books, something comes to an author when she’s writing that causes the plot to take a different turn.

 

And didn’t you love her relationship with Connor? This began in and continues in the rest of the series.

 

What to say about Max? In my head the only thing he did wrong was handle the situation badly in the first place. They did have an agreement about not being romantic, though any reader could see they were. They did have an agreement about not wanting children. But he should have talked to Whitney about it before getting emotionally involved with Angela. My favorite part of the plot is that right away, he sees he’s done something wrong. I couldn’t wait weeks for this change; I had to have it happen immediately, because staying apart just wasn’t direction this had to go. In any case, Max is my kind of guy. We all make mistakes, and he works like hell to rectify his.

 

I write a lot about repentance and forgiveness, of the difficulty of relationships and how they take a lot of compromise, and about going after what you want. This is true in ONLY WITH YOU. I think those values are important in life.

 

I hope you enjoyed the appearance of the cousins from the first two books. It’s fun to see them progress in their lives, which is why I’ve been writing series lately. I hope you continue on to read Connor’s and Declan’s books. Once again, everyone will be there.

 

Best,

Kathy

 

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Don’t miss the rest of the books in the To Serve and Protect Series.

 

Nick Marino, top agent in the White House, loves his job and is in line to take over the directorship of the Secret Service someday. Then the president sends him to a small town in upstate New York to determine why his widowed sister is getting threatening notes. Not happy about leaving D.C., he’s even more frustrated when he becomes embroiled in the lives of the beautiful Isabelle Barton and her two spunky boys. ABOVE AND BEYOND provides a deep dive into the life of a Secret Service agent, the glamor of Washington politics and a close look at being related to the most powerful man in the world. The story will keep you fascinated and capture your heart with its tender and sometimes hot romance.  

 

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Agent Whitney Dwyer and Agent Max Blackwell have been together for five years. As a young member of the Secret Service, Whitney has a top-notch job in Threat Assessment and has gotten plum assignments in protection. She’s also gotten Max in a friends-with-benefits relationship. When they split up, neither is prepared for life without the other. Then fate steps in. ONLY WITH YOU is back-dropped by the bombing of a federal building, a case assigned to Whitney and Max during their personal turmoil. The book also delves into the inner workings of the Secret Service and the danger federal agents encounter every day. Toss in a sizzling relationship and readers will find this story a page-turner. 

 

Dr. Connor Marino has led a charmed life, with a superb education, several degrees under his belt and a patent which gives him money to live on. But he enlists in Doctors Without Borders because he wants to give back to the world. He never expects to find love in the war-torn Middle East with a real live princess, Callandra Gentileschi, from Casarina. But theirs is anything but a fairytale romance when family and political demands take Calla away. In NO OTHER LOVE, get a glimpse at the difficult work of doctors overseas, travel with Calla to her exotic foreign home country and experience their undying love for each other. 

 

Army Medical Reservist Dr. Declan Marino married Army Officer Delilah Carrier, his high school sweetheart, had children early on and were happy—for a while. They divorce, however, when Lila is stifled by her life.  Now, happy in their careers, they’re still in love but can’t seem to find a way back to each other.  COME BACK TO ME examines the difficulty of balancing two military parents and maintaining a happy family life. The book also explores the question: can long-standing love triumph over the roadblocks of modern life? 

 

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