Chapter Eight

Logan

––––––––

The next week was busy as all hell for both Adam and I. He was starting to ramp up his workouts and our schoolwork was starting to pile up.

I was helping him with his essays and assignments almost every night, but I didn’t mind. He wasn’t a dumb guy. He knew the material and he had a lot to say, he just had trouble putting his thoughts on paper in a coherent way.

It was tough, trying to help him learn how to write an essay as we were correcting the ones he’d already done, but he was determined to do as well as he could and never complained.

We were also messing around almost every night, usually after we finished our homework. We blew each other, gave each other hand jobs, and a few times we’d jerked off together. We still kissed and made out, but there was something missing.

It felt as though he was holding back a bit, and I knew I was. My feelings were still a giant mess and I was trying to protect myself. If I thought of it as getting off and not messing around with a friend then I was able to distance my emotions from the acts themselves. I had no idea if that’s what he was doing, but the chemistry and fireworks were still there so I was trying to convince myself it was enough.

Matt and Avery had invited me and the twins over on Saturday. It was a rare weekend when both Avery and Paige had Saturday night off and we were going to play Cards Against Humanity and have some drinks.

I was looking forward to getting out of the house, but there was a stupid part of me that was disappointed Adam and I wouldn’t get to hang out.

“What time are you leaving?” Adam asked as he came into the kitchen. I’d been heating up some leftover beans and rice from the night before, and was watching the bowl spin around in the microwave.

“A few hours.” I glanced over and watched him pull an iced tea out of the fridge.

“You should put some taco seasoning on that.” He nodded to the microwave. “Or hot sauce.”

“I would if I had any left. It’s bland, but at least it’s more edible than that lentil and rice thing I made the other day.”

“Yeah, that kind of stunk up the place.” He grinned and leaned against the counter. “What did you put in it?”

“The last of my salsa, rice and boiled lentils. In theory it sounded good but the reality was pretty gross.”

“You want some buffalo sauce? There’s some on my shelf.”

“That would probably be pretty good.”

“You could add some canned tomato and corn to it too, give it a bit more texture and taste.”

“Look at you, Gordon Ramsay.” I laughed as he blushed slightly. “You’re all over this cooking shit.”

“I’ve got to eat healthy while I’m training so I had to learn how to cook.” He shrugged. “Otherwise I’d eat boiled chicken breast with rice and broccoli for ten months of the year.”

“I learned how to cook too. Mom insisted on teaching all of us, but I suck at it. The gene skipped me, that’s for damn sure.”

Adam pushed off the counter and went to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of buffalo sauce and handed it to me. “It’ll be better with some heat.”

“Thanks.”

Just then the microwave beeped and I pulled out my bowl. I added a slash of the sauce and handed it back to him.

“You have any plans tonight?” I asked as we heading into the living room.

“I was supposed to meet up with Kev and Brad, but they’re heading to a party at Sigma house.”

“Oh, you tagging along?”

“I was thinking about it.” He leaned back. “I’m all caught up in my homework and I’m actually ahead on my assignments. It might be nice to get out.”

“You’ve earned it. As long as you don’t fall back into old habits then what’s the harm of having one night off?” I tried to keep my voice casual but there was a part of me that was apprehensive.

Sigma parties were always crazy. What if Adam met someone while he was there? He was obviously a relationship man and we were only fucking around. I had no claim on him, but that didn’t mean I wanted some skank—male or female, getting their claws into him.

“What are you guys going to get up to?”

“Drink and Cards Against Humanity.”

“That’s always a good time. Your friends are a little more low key than mine.”

“We weren’t always.” I laughed and took a bite of my food. “Before they wifeyed up we were a partying bunch. Matt and the twins were always hooking up with random chicks, and we were at every party we could get to.”

“What about you?” he asked. His voice might have been casual but his eyes told me he really wanted to hear my answer.

“Definitely didn’t hook up with random chicks.”

“Obviously. I meant with guys.”

“Sometimes.” I shrugged. “A lot of the time, if I’m going to be honest. I had a bit of a manwhore phase.”

“Not anymore?”

“No. I’m tired of the dance.”

“Dance?” he asked.

“Going out, flirting and doing the ‘will we, won’t we’ dance. Then there’s the hooking up and then nothing.”

“You want more than just hooking up?”

“I don’t know. I never did before.” I put my bowl down.

“Never? You’ve never had a boyfriend?”

“Nope. Lots of sex but no boyfriends.”

“Wow. I’ve pretty much always had a girlfriend. This is the longest I’ve been single since I was fifteen.”

“Not me. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was seventeen, after there wasn’t anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with. Then I came here and there were so many more options. I guess I went a bit crazy sampling the buffet.”

“So what if you’ve had a lot of sex? It’s college. Unless you have a ticket counter outside your room with a VIP waiting lounge for the next people in line, then you’re not a manwhore.”

I chuckled at that mental picture. “That would be something else.”

He looked like he wanted to ask me something else, but kept his mouth closed.

I picked up my bowl and took another bite. “This is way better with the sauce.”

He grinned and I decided to ask him something I’d been curious about since he’d told me he was struggling with school.

“How bad did it get with your grades last year?”

He sighed and raked his hand through his hair. “I almost blew it.”

“How?”

“I have to maintain a 2.9 in order to stay on the team. I finished last year with a 2.8.”

“Shit, that means...”

“It means I’m technically not on the team right now.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. Coach and the school said I could get back on if I finished this semester at a 3.2, but even then I’m not guaranteed to be starting pitcher. Coach doesn’t play games when it comes to our grades. He has strict rules and I fucked up. I could lose everything because I partied instead of studying.”

“Shit. If you need any help at all—”

“You’ve helped a lot already,” Adam interrupted. “I was a solid C student my entire life, now I’m pulling B’s and even the odd A.”

“I’m glad I could help. I know what making a stupid mistake feels like.”

“Your finances?”

“Yeah. I had to get my parents to bail me out. It was so humiliating, and I felt like a failure. I never want to have to go to them and beg to be bailed out again.”

“That had to be rough.”

“It was. Between the four of us, I’m the only one who fucked up. They all partied as much as I did but they were a lot smarter with their money. I hated being the only one who failed.”

“You’re fixing that now. I’m sure they see that.”

“They do.” I paused before asking my next question. “Have you told anyone you’re bi?”

Adam pulled in a deep breath and looked away. Guess that answered my question.

“How did you come out?” he asked as he looked back at me.

“I told my brothers first, then my parents. I didn’t really tell people at school, but it got around. It was a small school and I was the only out kid in our grade.”

“Were people cool?”

“For the most part. There’s always going to be assholes out there, but I had three built-in bodyguards so I didn’t get fucked with as much as I could have.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone, not yet.”

My heart fell a bit. If he wasn’t ready to be out then he definitely wasn’t ready for more between us. My role was set. I was the guy he liked and fooled around with behind closed doors.

“It takes time. It’s all so new to you.”

“Plus there’s baseball.”

“Yeah, that’s a whole world I never had to worry about. You think the guys on your team would care?”

“Some wouldn’t, but some would. I’ve heard the shit they say. If they find out I like guys and I’ve been in the showers with them I don’t think I could convince them I wasn’t creeping.”

“That was one of my biggest fears after coming out. I was terrified someone would think I was checking them out at the gym, or freak out that they’d gone to camp with me when we were kids or something.” I shoved a bite of food in my mouth and started chewing. I didn’t want to get into any more details about that. Not right now.

“That’s what I worry about.”

“What about your family?”

“I don’t think they’d really understand. My parents are cool, but they wouldn’t get that I like both.”

“And they’d think you were confused and actually straight because of your history?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s something else I don’t really know much about.”

The silence between us stretched out and I concentrated on eating.

Getting involved with Adam was only getting messier. Usually messy made me turn tail and run for the hills, but I didn’t want to do that now.

I liked Adam as a friend, and I was having feelings for him that went beyond friendship. The best and easiest way to fix things would be to break off the physical and just be friends...but I wasn’t ready to give him up.

I was setting myself up for heartbreak and pain, but I couldn’t quit him.

––––––––

ADAM

––––––––

There was so much more I wanted to say to Logan, but I couldn’t get the words out.

When we’d started messing around I’d told myself it would be hot and fun. I’d never planned on falling for him.

I had feelings for him. I knew that, and they went deeper than friendship or affection. I liked him as a partner, and that confused me.

I’d felt love before but it had always been with girls, and it had been different. I’d never had such a burning need to be with someone before, and I’d never had a girlfriend I couldn’t get enough of.

When I wasn’t with Logan I was thinking about him. Every night when he’d help me with my homework and assignments I could barely focus because I’d be thinking about what would happen after.

Whenever my mind wandered I would think about him, and about what we’d done together. I knew I was falling for him, but I didn’t know if he felt the same way.

When he’d asked about coming out and telling people, a slice of fear had shot through me and every bad scenario by mind could conjure up hit me all at once.

I was scared about what people would think, how my teammates would react. The sports world was full of machismo, and had a fair amount of toxic masculinity in it. I knew our team had a policy of inclusion, but that didn’t mean everyone would be cool with me being into guys.

Then there was my family. I was an only child and the prodigal son. How would my parents react when they heard that I might end up with a guy? I knew my mom was hoping for lots of grandkids, and everyone was rooting for me to make it to the minors, if not the majors. How would they handle it if being out fucked with my future?

If I was going to be honest with myself I wanted more with Logan. I didn’t want to just mess around and play house in our apartment, but the thought of walking around hand-in-hand with him both thrilled and scared me.

I wanted to go out on dates and do all the things couples did, but I was afraid of what could happen.

Logan was so comfortable with himself, and he was definitely out and proud. I couldn’t ask him to hide with me because I was being a bitch. Besides, there was no guarantee he even wanted more. He’d just said he didn’t do boyfriends, why would I be any different?

* * * * *

“Sure thing at twelve o’clock.” Kevin nudged my arm and I almost spilled my beer all over myself.

We’d been at the Sigma house party for about half an hour, and I wasn’t really having fun. It was loud, crowded, and Kevin kept talking about the chicks he had on the go. It was a normal night, but I just wasn’t feeling it.

“Smooth.” I rolled my eyes and glanced behind me. There was Katie dressed to kill with her gaze zeroed in on me. She was a beautiful girl. Her hair was long and blonde, and she had the body of a dancer. The tight green dress she was wearing showed every curve and her blue eyes were undressing me.

“Go for it. She’s into you. You’d be a fucking moron to turn that down.”

Normally seeing someone like her giving me their best fuck-me eyes would send my hormones into overdrive, and I’d be over there hitting on her so fast her head would spin, but I wasn’t feeling it tonight.

“Dude, seriously.” Kevin was giving me a weird look as I turned back to him. “Unless you have something going on and you’re too embarrassed to show this other chick around, why wouldn’t you?”

“I...” This was the perfect opportunity to tell Kevin about Logan. Of all the guys on the team Kevin was my closest friend. He’d be the logical choice to be honest with, but I couldn’t do it. “I’ve got nothing going on.”

“Then get over there and take her up on her offer.” He punched my arm and I sighed as I shot back the rest of my beer.

Maybe this was what I needed to get my mind off Logan. We weren’t together so it wasn’t cheating. There really wasn’t anything stopping me.

“I’ll see you at the gym tomorrow.” I nodded to Kevin and headed over to where Katie was waiting.

“Hey, sexy.” She grinned seductively as I came up to her. “I was wondering how long I’d have to wait for you to make your way over here.”

“I guess I’m a little slow tonight.” I grinned and leaned closer to her. “I’d be a fool to keep you waiting for even a second.”

She giggled and put her hand on my arm. “Dance with me. I don’t feel like talking right now.”

She took my hand without waiting for an answer and tugged me toward the area of the room where people were dancing. When we were in an open space she turned and draped her arms over my shoulders and pressed up against me.

She felt nice and my body responded to her, but my mind just wasn’t there. I knew it had to be because I was still hung up on Logan, but hopefully a little bit of dancing would make me forget about him and then I could let my body take over.

* * * * *

An hour later my body was still interested in Katie and everything she was offering, but my mind was somewhere else.

She was doing everything right. She felt incredible, smelled sweet and a little floral, and she was rubbing up against me in a very appealing way. Put it all together I should have been all over her, but I couldn’t do it.

I was thinking about Logan.

I was imagining it was his strong, hard body against mine and his spicy scent surrounding us, and I could almost feel his cock against my hip. I had to stop things now because it wasn’t fair to lead Katie on when I was thinking about someone else.

I started to pull away from her when she leaned up and kissed me. Her lips were soft and her kiss was sweet, but she wasn’t the person I wanted to be kissing.

I pulled away from her, stepping back as I tried to think of some way to let her down without being an ass.

“You want to get out of here?” She raised her eyebrow at me and licked her lips.

Since I couldn’t think of a way to tell her no I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pretended to look at a text message.

“I have to go. My roommate is drunk and stranded.”

“Oh.” She pouted. “Can’t he get someone else?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave but I’ve got to help him out.”

“To be continued then?” she asked hopefully.

“Sure.”

Now I felt like a total dick. I should have just told her I wasn’t interested but instead I’d lied. I was digging myself into a deeper hole and things were just getting more complicated.

As I left the party and headed home I felt like dog shit.

I was stringing Katie along because I was too much of a bitch to tell her the truth. I’d lied to Kevin and I was playing a very dangerous game, all to keep my sexuality hidden.

I was treating Logan like a dirty little secret, and he deserved better than that.

I didn’t feel much better when I got home and was glad Logan was still out. I couldn’t face him right now.

When I was in my room I flopped on my bed and tried not to think about the mess I was making. As usual my mind wandered to Logan and I bit my lip as our last encounter played in my mind.

It had been hot as fuck. We’d made out on the couch with me straddling his legs. We’d jerked each other off for a bit, but then Logan had taken both of our cocks and held them in his hand as we’d fucked his fist. Feeling his hand or mouth on me was amazing enough, but to have his cock against mine, his pre-cum slicking over me as mine slid over him had been amazing. I’d come first and Logan had thrown me down on the couch and straddled me as he finished himself off and come all over my stomach.

As I’d been laying there, watching him come above me, I’d wondered how it would feel if he fucked me. To get to watch him as he thrust into me, owning me. That thought had sent a rush of pleasure through me and I’d felt my dick stirring even though I’d just come.

I wanted him to fuck me, but I wasn’t exactly sure how it would work. Could he even get inside me if I was on my back? The angle didn’t seem as though it worked, but there had to be other ways and not just doggy style.

My eyes wandered over to my laptop and I paused. I could always look it up. I’d spent enough time on the internet looking at porn before, and it was then I realized I hadn’t watched any since I’d moved in.

Even before Logan and I had kissed I hadn’t been interested in seeing other people have sex, and as soon as we started messing around I hadn’t needed any fantasy material. I’d only thought about him.

After a moment I got up and brought my computer over to the bed. I flashed it up and paused at the Google search bar. I had a shitload of bookmarks for straight sex, but nothing with two men.

Finally I typed in my favorite streaming site and then opened the search. I typed in ‘gay’ and waited.

It took me to a new site, one that was filled with only gay videos, and I paused.

I had no idea what I’d be into. There were dozens of categories to choose from so I scrolled through them.

The thumbnail video for ‘college’ caught my eye. One of the guys in it looked at lot like Logan. They had the same build and hair color, even the styles were similar. The guy he was pounding his dick into had my build and hair color, and I clicked on it.

I had to search out the video and found it at the end of the first page. Biting my lip I clicked on it.

I watched it open and saw it was almost ten minutes long by the counter. This should show me at least some of what I wanted to know.

The video started with some cheesy dialogue but quickly moved into them kissing. I watched as they undressed each other and then lay on the bed. They did a sort of sixty-nine as they lay on their sides, and that was hot. I would definitely do that with Logan. When they were done the guy who looked like me lay on his back as the other guy put on a condom and lubed up his fingers.

I watched as he slipped his fingers inside the other guy, stroking his cock as he did.

After a bit he pulled his fingers out and the guy who would be me lifted his knees to open up his body and tilt his hips back. It looked hot as fuck as the Logan lookalike pushed into him and started to go to town, but I didn’t know if I’d be comfortable being that exposed the first time I was with him.

After a few minutes they switched to doggy style, and I was surprised as Logan’s double reached around to jerk off the me double as he fucked him.

They were loud and very into it, and by the time the video was done I was hard as a rock and needed to see more.

I clicked on other videos and saw guys fucking in pretty much every way you could do it with a girl, there were only slight adjustments. Some of the bottoms could come just by getting fucked, and others needed a helping hand. There were so many things I hadn’t even thought of, but it all looked amazing.

By the time all my questions were answered I was painfully hard and needed to jerk off. I put the first video on again and pictured Logan and I in the starring roles. I didn’t even make it past the sideways sixty-nine before I came so hard I saw stars.

Watching those videos had definitely confirmed that I liked guys, and I wanted Logan to fuck me.