THE NEXT TWO weeks went by in a blur.
We traveled around Europe like two college kids searching for an adventure, and for the first time since my diagnosis, I didn’t feel like my world was ending. I had Elle by my side, and even though she had her moments, where she’d allow her mind to dwell on the future, we didn’t let that stop us. Our last days in France consisted of a visit to the Louvre and dinner at the Eiffel Tower before we flew a country over and landed in Italy. While there, we blended in with the rest of the tourists, riding the gondolas through the canals of Venice, seeking out the Colosseum and The Leaning Tower of Pisa, and then exploring everything Vatican City had to offer. Near the end of our second week, we spent three days in a private villa I’d rented on Lake Como. The five-bedroom abode was located right by the water, and the majestic views of the lake and the surrounding mountains were as breathtaking as they were beautiful.
We spent most of our time splashing in the private pool and counting the stars, and on our last night there, as we lay together on one of the outdoor patio loungers, staring up at the inky sky, Elle turned to look at me with a look of utter peace and contentment on her beautiful face.
Stroking my fingers down her cheek, I didn’t dare take my eyes off her. I wanted to freeze time, to lose myself in the moment, forever. “A penny for your thoughts?”
She smiled, a sadness behind her baby blues that stabbed right through my chest, gutting me. “I’m not ready to go back.” Her fingers fiddled with the buttons on my shirt. “I feel like I’m living this dream, this sweet, beautiful dream, and I’m not ready to wake up. I don’t want to wake up.”
Frowning, I took hold of her hand, kissing her fingers softly before dancing them in the air with mine and lacing them together. “It’s not a dream, Elle. This is as real as it gets.”
“That's what scares me.” Her voice cracked on a whisper. “I’m scared of never being as happy as I am right now. I’m scared of life after you.”
Tears pooled in her eyes, and I pulled her closer, hating that I was putting her through all of this. I had tried to let her go. It was why I’d walked away from her in L.A. and again after her sister’s wedding. I didn’t want this for her—this heartbreak. I kissed her forehead, moving my hand along her back in lazy strokes. “I’m sorry, Elle. I am so damn sorry.”
“Sorry? Sorry for what?”
“For being incredibly selfish with you.”
“Selfish?” There was confusion in her tone. “I don’t understand. What do you mean, selfish?”
A heavy sigh floated free. “Wanting you…wanting you has been the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. We met and I knew I’d never be able to give you forever. I knew I’d never be able to give us a real future, and yet, I wanted you anyway. I fell in love with you anyway. And I’m terrified that one day you’re going to wake up and realize how selfish I’ve been and you’re going to regret all of this, you’re going to regret us.” I looked down at her, a sheen of tears glossing my vision.
“Don’t do that, okay?” She shook her head and grabbed my shirt, pulling me even closer until her lips were a breath away from mine. “I could never regret you. Never.”
I breathed deeply, trying to relieve the ache in my chest, and smiled sadly at her. “How did you find me, huh? You walked right into my life when I needed you the most.”
“Easy.” She kissed me softly. “I followed my heart.”
As the plane hit ground in what would be our final destination before returning to New York, I turned toward Elle and reached into my pocket, pulling out a black silk tie I intended to use as a blindfold. “You said you trust me, right?”
Looking mildly uncertain, she pinched her brows together. “Yes. Why?”
“Because I don’t want you knowing where we are just yet.” I held the tie up in my hands. “May I?”
The hollow at the base of her throat moved on a seemingly hard swallow and she nodded, almost reluctant. “Okay.”
I stood from my seat and walked behind her, gathering the blonde strands framing her face and combing them back with my fingers, before gently placing the makeshift blindfold over her eyes and tying it at the back of her head.
“You’re so lucky—”
“You love me?” Laughter floated from my mouth, and I couldn’t help but smile at her constant need to remind me. “I know I am.” Moving back around so I was once again in front of her, I made sure the silk was securely in place and pressed a kiss to her mouth. “So incredibly lucky.”
Elle didn’t let me pull away. Possessive hands fisted the material of my shirt, and she yanked me closer, using me as leverage as she lifted on her toes and darted her tongue across the seam of my lips. I groaned at the taste of her. So sweet. The energy and the electricity sparking between our bodies heated my blood, and my jeans became painfully tight. My dick pressed hard against the restrictive zipper, suddenly desperate and eager to be freed. Feeling my control slip, I shoved her away gently, a deep growl erupting from low in my throat. “Damn it, Elle. You really know how to distract a man, don’t you?”
Shrugging, she chuckled innocently. “I’m sorry. Blame it on the blindfold. It’s kind of fun and a bit of a turn-on.”
I raised a brow, allowing those words to sink in for a moment before whispering in her ear, “I’ll keep that in mind for later, but first I have something else planned.”
Something else indeed.
It had taken a collection of my nerves and a few phone calls, but thankfully I was able to pull off what I thought would be a meaningful end to our time away. As always, Elle’s incessant curiosity had her impatiently asking where we were going, and I’d successfully dodged her every attempt. Within the hour, I was opening the passenger side door of the rental car and helping her out of her seat. Her chest rose on a deep inhale, and I didn’t miss the way her entire body seemed to awaken at the sound of the waves lapping at the shore.
“Are we near the ocean?” Her pink lips curled to one side, and her voice kicked up a notch in both volume and excitement. “We are, aren't we? I can hear the waves and smell the salt in the air.”
Ignoring her question, I loosened the knot on the tie, and as the material fell away, the tips of Elle’s fingers flew to her mouth, catching the gasp of surprise floating from her lips. Her eyes were round and bright and so stunningly blue, and she looked at me in a way she’d never looked at me before. My heart stopped, and any apprehension I'd felt about bringing her here melted away as her smile widened.
Her gaze bounced between me and the large blue and white sign sitting above the entrance to Callihan’s Pier. “My parents’ restaurant. You brought me to Maine, to my parents’ restaurant?”
I took her hands in mine, smoothing my thumbs over the back of them. “I know how important this place is to you, how much you love it. I figured maybe this would be the perfect end to an already perfect three weeks.”
Without hesitation, she moved forward and looped her arms around my neck, kissing me with a fervor I’d yet to experience from her. I willingly reciprocated, catching her tongue with mine in gentle licks and breathless strokes, and I inhaled her taste—explored every inch of her mouth as if it was my first time doing so.
We kissed, slowly and passionately, deeply and with a hunger that seemingly couldn't be satisfied. We kissed for what felt like a lifetime.
After a while Elle pulled back, her cheeks flushed and her lips wet and red, her blonde hair framing her face in tousled strands—a result of my fingers being threaded around them. “What now?”
She stood breathless, and I answered by reaching down and sweeping her from her feet. As I hauled her against my chest, she squealed at the sudden change in her position and slapped me playfully against my shoulder. “I am fully capable of walking, you know.”
I pressed my forehead to hers and kissed her. “I know.” What I didn’t know was how long I’d have before my arms lacked the strength to hold her, and I wanted to take advantage of every minute they still could.
Climbing the wooden steps and walking along the deck, I carried her around to the back of the restaurant where a single table for two had been set up on the outside patio, waiting for us. The call to her parents earlier in the week had gone over easier than I anticipated. When I explained what I’d had in mind, they were more than happy to oblige, and in turn I made sure they received appropriate compensation for having to close the restaurant early. Draped in a white tablecloth and scattered with red rose petals, the table was already set. I placed a speechless Elle on her feet, and as I retrieved the key to the restaurant hidden beneath one of the plates, she spun toward me, shaking her head slowly.
I grabbed her hands, bringing them to my mouth and kissing them tenderly before lacing our fingers together. “What?”
“You…just you.”
After dinner Elle and I walked hand in hand down the length of the pier, and as we reached the far end, I lifted her arm in the air and twirled her around, spinning her right into my chest. One hand landed on her hip, securing her to me, while the other curled around her neck, my fingers threading through the silky strands of her hair. I held on to her, both of our chests rising and falling against each other’s, and swayed her gently from side to side.
“Dancing?” She dipped her head back, looking at me with those eyes, those big blue eyes that saw me even when I didn't want to be seen. “We don't have any music.”
“Sure, we do.” Confusion furrowed her brow, and I smiled at the way her nose scrunched up, little wrinkles forming at its bridge. Calling her adorable would be an understatement. Elle Callihan wasn’t adorable. She was breathtakingly beautiful. “Just listen.”
Thankful my mother taught me the steps and pleased I could actually put them to use, I guided Elle in slow circles as we danced to the sounds surrounding us: the crash of the waves as they splashed onto the shore, the gentle whistle of the breeze as it whirled across our faces, and the distant call of seagulls as they flew overhead.
I stared out at the sky, the wash of orange and purples painting the picture of the setting sun, and I breathed deeply, finally feeling at peace with my life. For so long, I’d been so angry and confused. I was thirty-two years old and I was dying. I wasn’t married. I’d never be able to experience what it was like or what it meant to have a family. I wouldn’t be able to watch my soon-to-be wife walk down the aisle or fall in love at first sight with my child as the nurses placed him or her in my arms. I didn’t have time to go back and right all my wrongs or work through my regrets. Instead of burying my parents, my parents would be burying their only son, something no parent should ever have to do. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have my moments, the endless questions that kept me from falling asleep at night or the gnawing ache that never seemed to subside, but over the course of the last five months, I’d come to realize something. The problem wasn’t that I was dying. The problem was that I’d lived my life thinking I’d have more time. Moments I should have treasured, I took for granted.
And I was done taking life for granted.
“Elle?”
“Hmm?” Her voice hummed against my chest, but she didn’t look up.
“I need you to promise me something.” We continued to dance at the edge of the pier, and I stroked a gentle hand up the length of her back, kissing the top of her head. “I need you to promise me that you will spend every second of your life as if it is the last second that you will ever have to live. Whether you actually publish or not, I need you to promise me that you won’t ever stop writing because that is where your heart and your passion lies.” I paused, needing a moment to collect myself. These next words were going to hurt because the thought alone, the idea of Elle being with anyone else, loving anyone else, gutted me. It truly fucking gutted me, but she deserved to be happy. I wanted her to be happy. “And I want you to fall in love again. I want you to have a family. I want you to live your life so when the time comes for you to look back on it, you’re thinking of your memories and not the dreams you wished you would have chased.”
Feeling a wetness soak through my shirt and knowing it could only be the result of one thing, I lifted Elle's chin to look at her. As suspected, her cheeks were stained with tears, and my heart clenched at the sight of them. I frowned, watching as they cascaded down her ivory skin, one chasing after the other, and my fingers moved to collect the new ones quickly falling. “Please don’t cry. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you cry.”
She shook her head, causing them to stream faster, and sniffled. “I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn’t fall apart in front of you and here I am…” Reaching up, she attempted to wipe the water from her eyes. “This isn’t easy for me, Owen. I’m trying so hard to keep myself together and pretend that my heart is not completely broken inside, but it is; it is broken and the thought of having to live any part of this life without you destroys me a little more each day. I’m not sure you understand how much of me actually belongs to you. My heart has belonged to you since the moment I walked through your door, the moment you took a look at the mess that I was and decided to give me a chance anyway.”
“Do you want to know something?” I leaned in close, whispering in her ear. “You’re a master of your craft, Elle. You’ve written yourself onto my heart. You’ve become my number one reason for wanting to live.”
Her knees collapsed as the words left my mouth, and I caught her in my arms, supporting her weight to soften the blow of the fall. Following her down, I sat behind her and pulled her between my legs, hugging her tightly to my chest as she poured out her heartbreak. I kissed her forehead and rocked her gently, my own vision blurring behind a shield of tears I had every intention of letting go.
Elle choked back a sob as her fingers clutched my shirt, and I grabbed her face, bringing her mouth to mine in a kiss that was equal parts pain and pleasure.
The kiss was intended to be a memory, a story told on the surface of her lips, one born from tears but nourished by passion, one that I hoped she’d keep buried safe within her heart, because yes, her heart would break, but her heart would also heal.
And when it did, I wanted the love we’d once shared to be right at its center.
I wanted it to be the strength that kept her moving forward even long after I was gone.
Breaking away, I held her face with trembling hands. “Do you see that spot?” I pointed out at the sunset, right where the ocean met the sky—the magnificent mix of colors that served as my last dangling thread of hope. “You once told me you believed that was where heaven existed, do you remember that?” She nodded, her lower lip quivering uncontrollably, and I managed to crack a smile through my pained expression. “I think you’re right. I think that is exactly where heaven exists and that’s where I’ll be. When I’m gone, I’ll be right there, baby, watching over you. Always.”