MY STRAPLESS DRESS is a giant pain in my ass.
I tug it up by the sides again, for what feels like the fiftieth time, as I wait for Ashlei to finish touching up her lipstick. It’s a beautiful dress — navy blue with gold sequins and studs swirled in a floral design over the sweetheart neckline down to my waist, where the navy tulle flares off and ends right above my knees. But I purchased it before Thanksgiving, and I’ve lost too much weight since then for it to fit properly.
Not that I’m trying to lose weight, but apparently it’s a side effect of losing someone you care about.
Ever since Thanksgiving, everything has felt off. Grayson and I seem fine by all accounts — we’re having great sex, spending more time together, making plans for the future — but it’s like I’m only living with half of myself turned on, like the other half is stuck in a dark coma. I can’t study to save my life, which is not conducive to the final exams I have coming up. I can’t eat, I can barely sleep. Because the truth of the matter is I made a choice that day, on Thanksgiving — one that I didn’t want to make. And now I’m facing the cold, hard truth of it all.
I don’t want to live without Adam in my life.
But I have to in order to keep Grayson.
Adam hasn’t spoken to me since that day — hasn’t even tried to. He understood, he knew I didn’t want to do it but that I had to. Still, everything has been so empty without him. Even tonight, not seeing him staring holes into the back of my head from across the dance floor bothers me. Is that selfish? Probably, but I want him here.
I’m not allowed to want that, but I do.
“Is it just me, or does Semi kind of suck this year?” Ashlei asks on a sigh, popping her violet lips together before dropping her lipstick back in her clutch.
“It’s not just you.”
She turns to me, head tilted to the side. “Well, I’m stag, so I know a little of the reason why it sucks for me. Why does it suck for you?”
Where to begin?
I smile, waving her off. “We’ve just had better venues, that’s all. And I’m so tired from all the studying I’ve been doing lately.”
“Ugh,” Ashlei agrees, linking her arm through mine to head back out to the ballroom. “You really have been hitting the books. Remind me again why you chose biology for a major?”
“Damn aspirations to be a doctor.”
“Oh, yeah.” She giggles. “That.”
We make it back out to the dance floor just in time to hear the music shift to a slower rhythm, once again causing a mass exodus from the dance floor. Clinton ends up keeping Skyler out there this time, and everyone is laughing at the two of them doing some sort of fake waltz to a slow Usher song.
I search for Grayson, wanting nothing more than to just be held by him as we sway back and forth on the dance floor. I feel so weird lately, and being close to him is one of the only things that helps. It reminds me why I made the choice I did, why I sacrificed someone who means something to me. Grayson is the first boy I’ve ever truly loved, and who loves me, too. It’s powerful and addictive, like the best kind of drug, and all I want tonight is to drown in him.
“Hey, have you seen Grayson?” I ask Jess and her date, Greg. It’s still a little weird seeing her with someone other than Jarrett, but she’s smiling and seems happy, so I’m thankful he’s here.
“Oh! Him and his friend — Malik? — went outside to the garden to sneak a few drinks from their flasks, I think,” Jess answers, letting Greg pull her up from her seat at the table and onto the dance floor.
“Thanks!”
I walk as fast as I can in my high heels toward the entrance to the garden at the back of the ballroom, pushing through the double doors to find an empty bench. I frown, letting the doors close behind me as I look for Grayson. The garden is small, but the winding path leads back a ways, so I follow it, guessing he and Malik are probably hiding out somewhere.
When the stiff stench of marijuana hits my nose, I know I’ve found someone, but I’m a little surprised when I spot Grayson through the tall bushes near the back corner taking a joint from Malik’s hand and holding it to his lips.
The sight of it stops me still in my tracks, my heart thundering in my ears. It’s not that I necessarily have anything against smoking, but I never knew Grayson was into it. He never told me. And in this moment, it feels a lot like something he should have told me.
It feels a lot like something he’s hiding.
My feet are still glued to the garden path when Grayson passes the joint back to Malik, his voice strange as he tries to hold in the smoke and talk at the same time. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I see her being a forever sort of thing.” He blows out a cloud of smoke, checking over his shoulder at the opening in the path. “She’s just college, and I get that. But at least now he’s out of my way.”
“I’m surprised you were cool about it for as long as you were,” Malik says. “That kid has it bad for her. She’s lying if she says she doesn’t see it.”
Grayson shakes his head, dipping into his jacket for his flask. “I don’t know. Cassie is just kind of naïve like that. I’m not sure she really sees it, but I do. Which is why I put my foot down and put an end to it.”
My throat closes at the mention of my name, heart still racing. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but now I can’t stop.
“Atta boy,” Malik says, handing the joint back to Grayson as a puff of smoke leaves his lips. “Speaking of complications, is that groupie finally leaving you alone?”
“Ugh, I wish. That girl cannot take a hint. If only she was as bright as that neon pink hair of hers.”
Malik chuckles. “Hey, at least she gives good head. You going to miss that?”
My stomach lurches as Grayson grins, taking a hit from the joint and passing it back. “Nah. Surprisingly, Cassie is pretty hot in bed.”
“Now that she’s actually fucking you, that is. Think she’ll ever find out about the groupie?”
“No way. She knows I love her. Alexis was just a stress relief until Cassie was ready. Had to get it from somewhere, you know?” he jokes, and Malik grins with approval. “Once Cassie let me hit, I stopped texting Alexis altogether.”
“Wow, what a great boyfriend,” I spit, rounding the bushes until Malik can see me. His eyes widen and Grayson turns, all the color draining from his face when he sees me, too. “To give up your hook ups with a groupie once you got in my pants. So charming.”
My voice is just as shaky as my hands and I hate it, rolling them into fists as I try to stand tall, trying to control the racing of my heart long enough to put Grayson in his place. I ran from the last guy who fucked me over, letting him make a fool of me.
Not this time.
“Cassie, I don’t know what you heard but—”
“Don’t touch me,” I seethe, cutting Grayson off mid-sentence as his hands reach out for me. “You’ll never touch me again. I hope she was worth it.”
“Come on—”
“No!” I shake my head, eyes bouncing between Grayson’s like I’ve never seen him before in my life, like he’s a stranger who somehow has the power to break my heart. “No, I’m not listening to another word. And you asked me to give up my friendship with Adam because — what — your conscience wouldn’t let you sleep at night?”
Grayson swallows, joint still burning in his hand as he pleads with his eyes for me to see him, to want him, to listen to him — but I do none of the above.
“Is she why you were late to the Alpha Sigma concert?” I shake my head, the need to cry burning at the back of my throat and eyes but I refuse to give in. “Is she why you cancelled our date that night?”
He swallows, lips in a flat line and face ashen, which is all the answer I need.
I choke, almost breaking down before shaking it off. “I knew you were a performer,” I say, holding my chin up. “But had I known you were playing me like your fucking guitar, I would have stopped buying tickets to the shows a long time ago.”
“Cassie, just please—”
“Go fuck yourself, Grayson.”
I turn without another look in his direction, not stopping when he calls my name or sprints after me. I snatch my clutch off the table, fighting back tears as Ashlei and Jess swarm me, asking what’s wrong. Skyler is there next, pushing Grayson away as he tries to break through the crowd to get to me.
“I just want to leave,” I choke out, trying so hard not to cry I can’t breathe from holding the tears in.
“Let’s go.” Skyler grabs my hand, telling Clinton to call us a cab and meet on the curb outside. She holds me in her arms as we walk, not asking any questions, knowing I can’t talk in that moment.
It’s not when we make it outside that I let myself cry. It’s not in the cab ride home, or in Skyler’s arms as she hugs me tight at the house. No, it’s not until well after midnight, when I’ve finished telling her what happened and walked numbly up to my room, stripping out of my dress and removing my makeup before slipping into my sheets that I finally break down.
Because my sheets smell like him.
It’s like those sheets are covered in betrayal and lies and every breath is me suffocating in them, fighting for oxygen that doesn’t exist. I let the tears fall, choking on the toxic air and hugging my arms tight around my middle, as if they can somehow squeeze out the pain racking through me.
I loved him.
No, that’s a lie, because it implies past tense. I love him — here and now, writhing in sheets that smell like him and replaying the words he said that broke my heart — I still love him. It’s the worst feeling, to love someone who has hurt you. But love isn’t a pencil mark. It can’t be erased so easily.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to erase it at all.
It’s with that aching thought that I cry myself into the worst sleep of my life.