Meraki, verb
To do something with soul, creativity and love, to put something of yourself in your work.
I noticed the change in her expression the second she saw who I was with. The tension in the room was palpable, so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I was next to her in seconds, my arm wrapping around her waist and pulling her against me like it was the easiest thing in the world.
“How is Arden?” I whispered in her ear, and she simply nodded once to acknowledge that her friend was okay.
I understood. Life was collapsing around her right now, every safety blanket she had was long gone. I was the only person left to make sure she was alright, the only one who knew how to help her, and I was desperate to make her better. I knew this was such an important milestone for her, and I was glad I was able to be there for her.
“Your parents dropped by,” I told Bebe casually, treading carefully. “They heard about Arden.”
It was like none of them were even listening to me, my words serving as nothing more but background chatter. They were staring at each other, Bebe’s parents standing in the hallway, her mother clutching her bag, and her dad gripping Mom by the waist as if he were propping her up—the only thing holding her upright.
“Bebe,” her mom breathed, and I felt Bebe tremble in my arms. “Bebe, oh God. We thought something happened to both of you.”
“Arden’s parents called them,” I explained to my girl. “They tried to call you, but you didn’t hear your phone, I guess.”
I grinned at her widely, knowing full well what had been going on when she’d missed that phone call.
“Mom,” Bebe choked out, and for a second I was sure she was going to collapse on the hospital floor.
But I held her up, gently ushering her towards her parents whose eyes were already misty as they locked with their daughter’s gaze. I didn’t have to hold her up for much longer, because her mom swept her up in a bear hug, sobbing when she finally had her daughter back in her arms. I stepped aside and watched the family reunion with a small smile on my face.
Bebe burrowed her face into her mother’s shoulder, and her dad joined in, holding them both as they cried together. It was an intimate moment, and I wasn’t sure whether they wanted me there or not. I felt awkward and out of place, the fear back in my veins, suddenly pumping with such force I thought I’d blow a coronary. I was panicking, hard, but I knew my job wasn’t done just yet, and I needed to stick around for a little while longer to make sure Bebe was alright and would get home okay.
“Miles,” her father finally spoke up, motioning for me to come closer.
The small family broke apart and now they were all staring at me, waiting for me to say something.
“I’m glad you’ve reunited,” I finally managed to get out, my voice shaky and unsure.
“Are you ok?” Bebe was by my side in seconds, her hands all over me, fussing and worrying about me like nobody had done for my entire life. It was ridiculous how emotional it made me feel, waves of nausea mixing with overwhelming love for her as we stood in the hallway.
“I’m fine,” I promised her with a weak smile. “I think I should get going.”
She squeezed my hand, and I looked into her beautiful eyes.
“Do you have to?” she whispered, and I pulled her in for a hug, my arms tight around her as I held onto her for dear life.
“I want you to spend some time with your family,” I said gently. “I would feel out of place here.”
Excuses, fucking excuses because I was too weak to handle the hospital, and judging by the look in Bebe’s eyes, she knew it, too.
“I want you to stay,” she breathed softly, and I felt the curious gazes of her parents on us both. “But I’ll understand if you really have to go.”
I hesitated, trying my best to get the better of my demons, knowing I had already made an immeasurable step forward. Coming to the hospital had been a huge step. It was the very place of my nightmares, filled with germs and sickness and sadness, but I defeated every monster shouting obscenities in my head. Now though, I felt the tiredness coming on. The absolute exhaustion of facing my demons was making me weak, and I knew I needed to get home before it was too late.
“It’s okay,” I told Bebe. “Spend some time with your parents. Call me when you can, yeah?”
She gave me a sad little nod, but her smile told me she understood, and I loved her for it.
“I’ll see you soon,” I nodded at her, finally tearing my eyes away from her magnetic gaze and focusing on her parents. “I’m so glad I met you today, Mr. and Mrs. Hall. I hope I’ll see you again soon.”
“Likewise, son,” Bebe’s father told me, heartily slapping my back. “We’re so thankful to you for taking care of our Bebe.”
“We can’t even tell you how much,” her mom chimed in, pulling me in for a bear hug, which I was starting to think was a signature move of hers.
We broke away and promised to keep in touch, and I walked down the hallway with heavy steps, the weight of the world resting on my shoulders. Just as I was about to leave, I heard them talking again, Bebe’s parents complimenting her and fussing over her, saying she’d found a great guy, and that they were proud of her.
“He’s amazing,” Bebe’s words floated back to me. “I’m so lucky to have him.”
“So tell me, darling,” her mom giggled. “Are you two an item?”
I looked over my shoulder. From my vantage point, I could only see Bebe’s back, but she looked over her shoulder in that moment, grinning at me.
“Yeah,” she whispered, and I laughed out loud before leaving the hospital.
Standing outside, the fresh air felt cooling and cleansing for my soul. I briefly thought about walking back home, but it would’ve taken over an hour, and my body was tired, exhausted. I managed to find a grossly overpriced cab in front of the hospital, and sat in the back, fucking shaking as the man drove me home.
I hated myself for being like this. Fucking fragile like I was going to break any second, too terrified to even stick around and meet my girl’s parents. We’d had a short conversation, sure, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to know everything, question them about every aspect of Bebe’s life and make sure I knew everything down to the last detail. My obsession was growing, my need to know everything that made Bebe who she was overwhelming.
The driver stopped in front of my building, and I paid him before walking inside. The doorman was there again, but this time, instead of racing past him, I approached with a smile on my face.
Up close, I realized he had a kind face, the kind you were inclined to trust without knowing anything about the person.
“Hello,” I got out, managing to fight off the worst of my insecurities as he looked up at me with surprise.
“Hello, Mr. Reilly,” he said with a shy smile. “Not in a rush tonight?”
“Not yet,” I shook my head. “I just wanted to thank you.”
“What for?” He looked genuinely confused as I grinned at him.
“For always knowing me,” I said simply. “For having my back, making sure I was okay. I’m sorry I’ve been running around like a headless chicken lately. I appreciate what you do for me.”
I slapped a hundred in his hand, but he shook his head vehemently.
“I can’t accept that, Mr. Reilly,” he said firmly.
“Why not?” I asked him, and he looked away guiltily. “As far as I know, all the other doormen accepted tips. And you deserve it.”
“Wouldn’t be right,” he muttered.
“Look,” I went on. “Do you have someone special in your life?”
He didn’t answer, but the tell-tale reddening of his cheeks told me everything I needed to know.
“Take her to Saffron on Fifth,” I told him. “My friend works there.”
He looked at me with surprise, and I laughed out loud.
“What, is it so impossible to believe I have a friend?” I asked, and he laughed guiltily. “We were classmates in high school. I used to go there a lot, when I still… could. I will pick up the bill. See? You take your lady out for a nice meal, and I have to leave home, challenge myself to pay for it. Win-win.”
“Okay,” he finally said, a bright smile lighting up his face. “Thank you.”
I nodded and left for the stairs, making a sharp turn when I thought of another fear I could face that day.
“Hey, what’s your name?” I asked the doorman.
“Eric.” He replied with his first name, and it made me grin. “I’m Eric. My friend’s name is Layla.”
“Eric and Layla,” I repeated with a nod as I jammed my finger on the elevator button for up. “I highly recommend the seared scallops.”
I waved him off and took a deep breath before entering the elevator. My breath hitched immediately, panic seeping out of my pores as my back settled against the mirrored wall. I didn’t even look at myself, feeling too scared and distracted to give a shit about my appearance. Instead, I focused on the closing doors of the elevator. Panic rocked my body, adrenaline making my heart jump and fall with the force of a carnival free-fall ride.
And then it was moving, moving faster than I ever remembered, practically shooting up to my floor. It was over in what felt like seconds, and I held my breath the whole time. And then it dinged, and the doors opened again, showing me the comforting, familiar hallway where my apartment was.
I stumbled outside, my knees weak and my arms flailing to hold on to something. I gripped the wall as I made my way to my apartment, the front door still wide open.
Usually, the cool calmness of my apartment managed to make me better in a matter of seconds. That night, it felt sterile and frightening as I stood in the doorway. Too clean, too pristine. Like a fucking mausoleum.
I stepped inside, my skin adjusting to the heat of the apartment. It was a change from the freezing air outside, and I sat down at my computer with renewed vigor and ideas.
My fingers worked the keyboard and I opened an interior website and started tossing things into my basket. I’d learned Bebe’s favorite colors through my time with her, not by asking, but by seeing it everywhere around her. She loved silver and purple, so I decided to order stuff in those colors. I was pretty fucking clueless about interiors, but I figured some pillows, a rug and some frames would work.
I wanted her to feel at home here, with me. I was already working towards my goal of having her live with me, as weird as the idea was.
I’d never had a roommate. I lived with my parents, and then my grandmother, but never a housemate or girlfriend. It would be a completely new experience, just like so many other things when it came to Bebe.
Once I was done with my order, I walked into the white room, and slowly started to take it apart.
I didn’t stop until I’d stripped the bed of the sheets and pillowcases and carried in some of my photography books to break up the whiteness of the room. I threw some of my clothes on the bed, even though I would never sleep in there. It would be turned into Bebe’s room, not so she could sleep alone, but so she could get away from me the second she needed to. She needed a safe haven, whether she lived with me or not.
Finally, I picked up my camera. I’d taken so many photos of Bebe without her knowing. All that was left to do was develop the film.
I had a special place where I liked to do that.
I walked down the hallway, the camera weighing heavy in my hands. I opened the window to the storage room. It was still just as small, the stench just as strong and the place just as claustrophobic as I remembered. I entered despite my body screaming, begging me not to take a step inside.
Immediately upon stepping into the room, I was transported back to my childhood. I held back the tears as I slowly prepared everything for the film, the single bulb above me burning bright red. I forced myself to do it slowly, as if I wanted to torture myself by staying in there longer. But it was my process, the way I did things, and I couldn’t have changed anything.
The photos came to life in front of me, all of them taken from my apartment and peeking into Bebe’s.
I grinned at them.
The curve of her shoulder. The thin line that imprinted itself on her skin when she’d worn fishnet tights. Her bright red nails. Her full lips. A twinkle in her eye as she caught me.
Yes, I was already in love. There was no way I’d be able to escape what she made me feel now.
So I might as well accept it, and prepare myself for the greatest fall of all.