Jana

For the third year in a row, my besties and I have decided to skip spending a small fortune on flying home and spending an awkward few days with family members we don’t always like.

We’re going to have to do that in another month anyway.

So Nina’s driven down from New York, and I took the train up from Baltimore, and we’re camped out in Daisy’s living room with a bowl of taco dip and a football game on the television.

We’re mostly watching because of the butts, and we’re placing bets on which of them have donkey dicks.

Nina’s cheering for the Vikings. One in particular, who we agree is definitely packing something good, and she gets a goofy look on her face every time the camera pans past his crotch.

Clearly the cameraman thinks he’s hung, too.

“God,” she sighs. “I’d be his Freya in a heartbeat.”

“He’s not really a Viking,” I point out.

Nina shrugs. “And I really wouldn’t be protesting if he threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to his pile of furs to ravish me.”

“Oh my God.”

“Don’t judge me and my fantasies.”

“I’m not. I’m really not. I’ve got dirty fantasies of my own, so I can hardly be pointing fingers.”

Daisy bursts into the living room from the kitchen, where she was doing something to the turkey. “Am I missing good gossip?”

“No!” I shout as Nina nods.

“She lies. Tell us your fantasies, Jana.” Nina leans over and tops up my wine.

“They’re private,” I mumble. The last thing I need is more alcohol. “Daisy, can we help you in the kitchen?”

She shakes her head. “Turkey’s basted for the last time, and it’ll be done in thirty minutes. Simon’s mashing the potatoes. We’re good to go.”

She joins me on the couch and scoops up some taco dip.

I ignore the expectant look on her face and try to change the subject back to Nina. “How’s the new job?”

She wrinkles her nose. “Probably not going to last very long. I miss Washington.”

“You hated D.C.”

“Turns out I hate New York more. Maybe I need to find some hunky farmer to marry and make babies with. Leave the marketing world behind me.”

I bite my tongue, because Nina will do whatever she wants.

“How’s the new kitten?”

I beam. “Adorable. She’s fit in really well with Trick and Jared. Larken is taking a while to warm to her, but the cat sitter texted me a picture of them sharing the cat condo earlier.” I pull out my phone and show her that picture, and a few others.

My cats are the cutest things ever.

This new kitten is a foster kitty. She’s just with us until we find her a forever home, and that’s okay.

“And how’s work?”

Work is not going well at all, but I don’t want to talk about it. “It’s fine. Oh, I’ll be in New York to meet with the creative team in a couple of weeks. We should have dinner.”

I work for a major greeting card company. I started as an assistant right out of college, and won an internal competition to become an illustrator two years later. Then one of my design series really took off, and thanks to having a decent agent who negotiated that extended related work also be done by me, I’ve now got a couple of product lines. Inspirational journals, coffee mugs.

Tote bags. People love my tote bags.

And I love my job. But sometimes it’s really hard to come up with thirty unique and amazing sentiments for a new card line. Especially when you’re distracted by the new delivery driver who’s been assigned to your route, and now most of your creative energy is being diverted to X-rated fantasies.

“It is a plan. And we can do some shopping, too.”

“I’ve got all my Christmas presents taken care of. You’re getting a muzzle, for example.”

She grins. “Excellent. I read a DIY sex thing on the internet, how to turn that into a ball gag.”

“Oh my God.”

“Just kidding. But I did start a FetLife account.”

My eyes bug out of my head.

“What? New York is rough for dating. I miss Washington.”

“No you don’t.”

She sighs. “No, I don’t.” She purses her lips together. “Dare I ask about your dating life?”

I wrinkle my nose. “Don’t. It’s pitiful.”

That might be because I haven’t checked any of the online profiles she set up for me last summer. Like, ever. It’s not that I don’t want to date. It’s just that I have standards. Reasonable ones, in my opinion.

Gainfully employed.

Tall.

Funny.

Well hung.

Enthusiastic about going down on me, but not creepy about it.

Kind to pets.

None of this is insane. Or if it is, well, then fuck the male population of Maryland, Virginia, and D.C., because I don’t want to settle for anything less than this list.

Daisy, who had been watching us volley back and forth, puts up her hand. “So you are dating, and it’s going badly? Or you’re not dating?”

“You know I’m not.” I blush, though, because I’m hopeless, and she latches on to it.

“Who is he?”

“Nobody.”

“Jana’s got a crush on someone…” Nina grabs the wine bottle. It’s empty. This doesn’t bode well for my ability to keep this secret. “Who is he?”

“You guys can keep asking me that. I’m not going to tell you anything, because there’s nothing to tell.”

“Uh huh.” Daisy crosses her arms.

Nina goes to the kitchen and fetches another bottle of wine.

The seconds tick by, and I hold out for a long time. Twenty-three, maybe even twenty-five seconds. Then I fold like a house of cards. “The delivery guy is…hot.”

They stare at me, then burst into laughter. “How long have you been pining after the UPS guy?” Nina asks through gasps for air as she wipes her eyes.

“It’s not a UPS guy,” I mutter. Then I take a big swallow of wine. “It’s SwiftEx.”

Daisy nods. “I can see. Their uniforms are hot.”

It’s more than just the uniform. He’s got the best smile. It starts as a friendly curve of the mouth as he hands over the clipboard, but it grows as he watches me. Just thinking about it makes me squirm. “Anyway, he’s new. He just started a week ago, so I’m not pining for anyone. And I’m pretty sure he’s just filling in for the regular guy, so I might not even see him again.”

“We can make that happen.” Nina waves at Daisy’s computer. “Let’s get started on your Christmas shopping.”

“No.”

She snorts. “You’re no fun.”

“I’m tons of fun.”

“Prove it. Let’s go to the spa tomorrow before you head back.”

I wrinkle my nose, and she howls.

“See? No. Fun.”

Daisy wiggles her feet. “I could do with a pedicure.”

Nina shakes her head. “No, pedicures don’t win the attention of sexy delivery drivers. Black Friday Bush Removal. It’s a new tradition.”

I squeak, and then realize she’s dead serious. I shake my head. “This is crazy. And also…I don’t think that a bikini wax wins attention either.”

“Bikini? Try Brazilian, babe. And he’ll know. He’ll be able to look at you and see your new, sexy confidence that you want him to see you naked. Because you’ve got a sexy surprise.”

“Oh my God.”

“Stop saying that, like you’re all shocked. You’re not, you’re just embarrassed, and that’s deeply rooted in the secret that you think this is a good plan.”

She’s not wrong, but I can’t admit that yet.

She keeps going, like the weird mind reader that she is. “Build it and they will come. Or in this case, groom it and he will come. When he sees it. After delivering your…package.”

“Stop.” But I’m grinning. It’s never going to happen like that, but a girl can dream.