It was like pieces of a tragic and contorted puzzle falling into place. While Annie and Dr. Rhodes knew the small extent of what I remembered, I now had a holistic vision of the entire attack. What I was about to tell Jaxxon would be as close to complete as I could get it at this point.

I anticipated the sound of cracking wood right before he reached for me; he’d gripped the arms of his chair so hard his knuckles had turned white. The veins in his forearms bulged, the skin on his biceps stretched taut, and a seething rage emanated from him. And I hadn’t gotten started.

The deep breath I sucked in did nothing to ease my concern that this was too much to burden him with. But then he nodded for me to continue.

“Tell me.” He lifted a hand and ran it over his lips and beard before settling it back behind my knee. “All of it, sweetheart. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s dead. Bury the monster.

I laid my fingers over the top of his wrists, just needing to touch some part of him. “I woke up to black. He kept me in a dilapidated shed. The stench—it was so musty. Stale, like hard-boiled eggs that had been in the refrigerator too long, or food that had rotted over weeks. I remember jerking my head to the side to throw up. When I turned, my cheek slammed against metal. He’d ball gagged me.” I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them to continue.

Jaxxon’s chest heaved in a quick, steady rhythm. He yanked me closer, keeping one hand fastened under my knee and lifting the other to rub his temples with his thumb and middle finger. His eyes stayed locked to mine. “It’s okay, baby. Don’t worry about me. Go.”

I nodded and wedged my fingers inside his hands again. The pressure of his fingers against mine, the sheer power of him surrounding me made it easier to speak, “My wrists and ankles were chained to the table, and he’d only left on my bra and underwear.”

“How long? How long did he have you?”

The question was so low I strained to hear him. “They’d told me I’d been gone for a week.”

I searched his face, which had gone even whiter. “Jaxx, are you okay?”

“Liebste, please . . . please don’t ask if I’m okay. Just keep talking.”

I put a hand on his cheek and he pushed his face into it before moving away. I swallowed hard; my mouth had become so dry my lips stuck together. “He kept me drugged. There were times I was coherent—at least I’ve seen that in the flashbacks, the nightmares. Sometimes he was there. In the room. I—I could hear him. The noises. Vile, disgusting grunts coming from somewhere in the small space, but he didn’t touch me. He’d give me water once in a while. Never food.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jaxxon leaned forward, lifting me onto his thighs so I straddled him, but he kept me far enough away so he could still see my face. “Gotta give me the rest from here.”

“It’s—this is better. Thank you.” His touch, the sheer power of him was a comfort. “The last night . . . The night he . . . ”

Oh my God, how do I say this? How do I explain this without him overthinking it?

The grip on my arms tightened. “He tried to kill you,” he finished for me. “What did he fucking—” He roared, before closing his eyes and looking away from me for a second. “Sorry, baby. What set him off?”

Reaching out, I touched his face. “He didn’t rape me,” I said, but nodded. “He tried. He was impotent. I was fourteen. I knew what he was trying to do. He shot me up with some kind of paralytic. Everything slowed down, blurred to moving shadows, and I couldn’t move. My body didn’t work. He yanked me to the end of the table, trying—trying to force himself inside me.” My voice cracked and I held onto Jaxx like a lifeline. “He couldn’t get . . . hard. He became enraged. That’s when he beat me.”

When Jaxxon’s eyes became damp, the dam broke and tears flowed down my cheeks in streams. “Oh, my fuck . . . Baby . . . ” He leaned one elbow on the arm of the chair and covered his mouth, nodding for me to keep going.

“When he couldn’t—couldn’t perform,” I continued, “he bit me in different places. He beat me and pushed me to the side of the table. He—he gripped my mouth—

“Motherfucker!” Jaxxon exploded, nearly coming out of the chair, before settling back and resting his forehead against mine. “Fuck! Sorry. It’s okay. I’m sorry.” He ran his hands over the back of my head, cradling it, before dropping to my biceps. “Tell me.”

“He wedged my mouth open, and—and shoved himself inside.”

Jaxxon closed his eyes, and his grip grew so tight my arms were losing circulation. As if catching himself, he loosened his hold, but he kept his hands on me.

“I choked and gagged. I spit, trying to jerk my head away, but he held me still. He was so strong, Jaxxon, so . . . He was physically huge. The—the only thing I could think to do was bite him. I knew what he’d do. I knew he’d kill me. And I didn’t care. I wanted to die.”

“Jesus. You were a baby. So fucking young.” Pulling my face to his, he kissed my forehead and held me a minute before he pulled back. “The rest.”

“He flew into a rage. The slash of a blade is, at first, ice-cold. Freezing. He stabbed deep into my abdomen over and over, slashed my thigh, my forearms. The three stab wounds, the puncture wounds. They’re the worst—the deepest.” I glanced up at him. “The slashing wounds with the exception of the big one on my thigh and one bite mark have all faded.”

“He bit you hard enough to fucking scar?” he thundered. “Twenty-five years later?” When I could only nod, he crushed me to his chest, his strong arms locking me to his warm, safe body. We sat that way for so long, neither of us speaking.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and spoke from there, “I passed out during the worst of it. The next time I came to, I was rolling down some kind of slope in nothing but darkness. They said it was a ravine. He’d wrapped me in hard plastic and a scratchy blanket. I was in and out of consciousness, but then I heard it. A dog barking. Far off, at first, but then closer and I blacked out. I had flashes of consciousness in the ambulance with lights so white, so blinding, I couldn’t see anything. They’d taken me out of the plastic, and covered me with soft, warm blankets, gave me something for the pain, to sedate me, but before I lost consciousness I heard someone, saw their face for a split-second.” I leaned back. “It was your father. My parents told me an officer Regin led the unit and was first on scene with his brother’s K-9 team. Max was in the ambulance with me. He kept saying, ‘stay with me, bleib bei mir,’ and telling me to ‘breathe, atme’. It’s why I know those German phrases. I wanted to die. He kept me alive. I am here because of him.

“And then—then he killed the monster.” It was the first time I’d said the words out loud.

Jaxxon crushed me to his chest and held me for so long before setting me away from him. He framed my face. A slight tremor in his touch, as his eyes drilled into mine. “I—fuck!” he snarled. “I wish I could fucking kill him again! Do you have any concept of how incredibly strong you are? What you fought through? You were lucky, baby. So damn lucky.” His hands tightened on my face. “Thank you, Valentina. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. For being strong enough to tell me.”

I searched his face, his eyes, looking for some kind of pity, disgust, any of the responses I’d grown used to when I’d had to tell someone I’d been abducted and attacked. There were none. Just anger for what had happened and concern for me now.

He shook his head hard one time and gently lifted me so I could get my legs out from either side of him. Settling me in his lap, he rested his head on mine. The footrest kicked out and he held me as I cried, letting the past, the shame, the fear flow out of me.

All of a sudden, he stiffened beneath me. Every muscle touching me went rock hard and he moved me to face him. “The end . . . when you bit him. Did that come to you in a nightmare?”

This was what I’d been afraid of. “Yes.” I raised a hand to his face, but he pulled back.

“When? Was it the night I stayed with you?” His eyes searched mine. “That’s why you didn’t want to look at me.”

“Jaxxon.” I wiped away the remnants of the tears off my cheeks and struggled to sit up. “Please, please listen to me now. That had nothing to do with it. I’d told you that night I’d done that before, but it was different with you. With Rick, I’d disconnect. I hated doing it, but it was a means to an end for me then. I wanted to with you.”

“No! No fuckin’ way. Look—

“No! Jaxxon. You look.” I grabbed his shoulders, desperate for him to hear me. “Do you have any idea what you’ve given me? You’ve given me a part of life I never expected to experience. I never thought it possible, because of Rick. Not the attack—Rick. You gave me that. I want a healthy sex life. I want to be able to be uninhibited, to not feel shame because I want you, because I want to please you as you do me. I want to experience everything with you.”

I searched his face, gauge if he was hearing me, but his expression remained hard, stoic.

“The nightmares,” I continued, “they’ve been coming for over two years. At first, as flashes, bits and pieces, then longer segments like a movie trailer. Longer scenes that stayed with me, leaving no question they were memories. When they come, I get the feelings, the sensations, the fear. I smell the odors, see the shadows, feel the pain, the hunger, the drug, the knife . . . I would have had the nightmare, the memory, one way or another. Please don’t take the freedom you’ve given me away because you think it was some kind of trigger. It wasn’t. I’m remembering it now and yes, it’s frightening, gruesome, but you were right before. My hang-ups had more to do with what Rick did to me than this. You said you can handle the nightmares. You asked me for the truth, all of it. I’m trusting that you can handle it.”

Tension finally bled out of his shoulders and he pulled me back across his lap. “I want to give you what you want, I do. All of it. I want to be the one you experience everything with, but you need to talk to me from now on. I know I push you. If it gets too much, you need to open your beautiful mouth. That’s my deal.”

I leaned up and kissed him softly. “Okay. I promise.”

I lay there with him so long, feeling lighter than I ever had before. I was emotionally raw. There was still one last step. One more thing I had to see if he could handle. If I could handle it. I just needed to rest first. I closed my eyes and let him hold me, just for a few minutes. But I drifted to sleep in his arms.