Alex groaned and rolled over. His phone told him it was four-thirty in the morning. He’d gone to bed at one, after getting out of work at midnight, and he had to get up in an hour and a half to get a workout in before heading to the office. Everything hurt, especially his head. He hadn’t managed to get a bit of sleep, his head spinning with what-ifs and a parade of terrible possibilities all ending with poverty and homelessness.

He leaned back against the wall. Who was he kidding? Insomnia and work would kill him long before he had to try to support two babies in addition to his parents.

He sent a quick text to Jordan. Are you still up? Not that Jordan should still be up. He should be in bed, with his ringer off, like a normal person whose brain wasn’t eating him alive. Of course, Jordan kept pretty irregular hours, so there was always a chance he would still be up.

Tonight, he happened to be awake. Tell me you’re not getting up now to go to the office. You only left that place at midnight!

Alex smiled. I tried to sleep, but I can’t. I should just go in. At least I can be productive.

Jordan texted him back three angry-faced emojis. Dude, no way. I’m coming over. You’re calling in, and I’m going to come and take care of you today. You’re pregnant. You can’t go on like this, it’s bad for the baby.

Alex bit his lip. It was true, it was bad for the baby, but what choice did he have? I can’t call in. They’ll fire me.

They can’t fire you for using your sick time, Alex. Have you ever called in sick before?

No.

Then you’ll be fine. I’ll be there in like half an hour.

Alex called the bank’s sick line, per procedure. In his mind, it went someplace dark and full of cobwebs, where an automated system deducted the employee’s sick time from their allotment and moved on. When he’d done that, he emailed Anna and let her know what was going on. Then he shuffled downstairs to wait for Jordan and fix himself a glass of warm milk.

Jordan got there exactly half an hour later, thanks to Lyft. He hugged Alex and kissed his forehead. “You look beat,” he said. “Come on, let’s get you tucked into bed. Let’s get us tucked into bed, I should say.” He grinned. “We don’t even have to wear pants.”

Alex huffed out a quiet laugh and let Jordan lead him upstairs. He stripped down and got into bed, falling asleep even before Jordan slipped into the bed beside him.

He woke up at noon, when his phone rang. The caller turned out to be Anna, so Alex couldn’t ignore it.

“Alex, oh my God! I thought the world was ending! How are you feeling?” The concern in her voice was genuine, and Alex immediately cringed at having left her in a lurch.

“I’m so sorry I had to stay home today, Anna. I just couldn’t. I was —”

“Alex, you’ve never taken a minute of sick time or vacation time. Don’t worry about it, okay? And I’m not surprised you ran out of steam. We’ve been working pretty hard lately.

“I took a look at your workload and it’s been insane. Between my projects, and your regular job, and then doing half of Chad’s job, too, I mean, it’s no wonder you’re here into the wee hours every day. I’m surprised you’re not here even later.

“That’s ending, by the way. I had a word with Chad’s supervisor, and we’re not having any more of this doing Chad’s job for him crap. He can do his own work.”

Alex’s chest hurt. If he couldn’t do the job, he’d get fired. Helping Chad out was just part of the dues he had to pay to get ahead and build that stable ground for himself — he needed that more than ever. “Anna, I don’t want to complain. I haven’t minded the work, and it’s given me a good view into some other areas of the industry.”

Jordan sat up beside him and wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist. Alex relaxed a little bit against him, taking some comfort from his support.

“I know you don’t want to complain, Alex.” Anna’s tone softened. “And I’ve got my suspicions about why. Nevertheless, what Chad’s doing is profoundly abusive, and it ends. The deed is done. I’ll make sure it’s well documented that you didn’t complain about it, and that you didn’t request the action I took. Okay?”

“Thanks, Anna.” He breathed again.

Anna took a deep breath. “So, I’m not prying here, and I’m not trying to force a confidence you don’t want to share. That would be inappropriate. Your performance is, as always, fantastic, and you’re not in any trouble or danger.”

Alex’s heart raced, so much that Jordan gave him a funny look. Alex couldn’t help it. Those words were big red flags, coming from a supervisor. “Ma’am, whatever I’m doing wrong, I’ll fix it. I swear.”

Anna sighed, but there was a little bit of humor in her voice as she replied. “There’s nothing wrong, Alex. You’re doing amazing. Even Harrington was a fan of your work, remember? We’re deploying it out across our money management services.

“I’m just … well, I’m a little concerned for you. You’ve been exhausted, to be honest, and like I said, I think I’ve addressed part of the reason. And you’ve been jumpy as hell for the past few weeks.

“Are you coming down with something? Are you in trouble? Do you need help?” She lowered her voice. “Is Chad getting worse? Because his dad may be an EVP, but he is not untouchable, and I will absolutely go there.”

“I’m pregnant.” Alex blurted the words out as fast as he could. He didn’t want to get Chad into worse trouble than he already had, and the bank would find out eventually anyway. “I’m sorry. There’s no pill for guys, and these things just happen—”

Anna squealed with what sounded like delight. “Oh my God, Alex, that’s amazing! Congratulations! I’m so excited for you! When are you due? I’m guessing the father is that activist guy, what’s his name, Jordan?”

Alex smiled, and Jordan patted his shoulder. “Yeah. And, um. He’s also expecting.”

Anna lapsed into stunned silence. “Can that happen?”

“Yeah. Apparently. It’s like a one in a billion chance, but I guess it can happen. I’ll make sure doctors’ appointments don’t interfere with work more than they have to, and I’ll make up the time, I promise.” Alex blushed. His hands trembled as he spoke, and Jordan clasped them in his own.

“Alex, this is important. This is your health, and your baby’s health. Those really need to be your priority. I know you’re a good and loyal employee, and that’s awesome, but you’re no good to anyone here if they put you on bed rest.”

Alex clutched at his chest. He hadn’t thought about bed rest. He knew it was a dim possibility that happened to some people, but the possibility of enduring it himself had never occurred to him.

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t afford bed rest. How was he supposed to afford a place to put a bed in if he couldn’t get up and go to work?

Jordan took the phone away from him. “Hi,” Jordan said in a deceptively mild voice. Alex could barely process it.

“This is Jordan, Alex’s partner. With whom am I speaking?” He paused to listen. “Ah. Hello, Anna. Alex seems to be having a panic attack.”

Jordan listened again, and then he relaxed a little bit. “Ah. Okay. Well, thank you for that. I’ve been trying to get him to take care of himself too, so it’s good to have some backup. Yeah, I’ll text you my cell phone number and make sure we have open lines of communication. I’m pretty fond of the guy myself, in case you hadn’t noticed.” He chuckled. “Okay, good. Talk to you later.”

Jordan held Alex and stroked his hair until Alex came back to himself, feeling miserable and embarrassed. Everything in him felt shaky. “I can’t believe this,” he sighed, unable to look Jordan in the eye. “I’m such a mess.”

“Well, you’re exhausted and anxious, and that’s not a great combination. Hang out for a minute, and I’ll make you some tea.” Jordan gave him an amused look. “Decaffeinated, I think.”

Alex perked up. “Coffee, maybe?”

“Definitely not.” Jordan slipped his jeans on and disappeared downstairs. He came back five minutes later with some tea and toast. “Hey. So let’s talk about this. You’re obviously really worked up about this pregnancy. Is it really that bad?”

Alex bit his lip. “You’re amazing. And when we sit down and make a plan, I feel like we can do this, you know? But that plan is … well, it’s precarious.

“Everything is balanced on absolutely nothing going wrong. If one of the babies is sick and needs special care, we’re screwed. If something goes wrong and one of us needs special care, we’re screwed. I haven’t adjusted the budget for child care for two babies instead of one, because I shake so bad every time I go to open the program.”

Jordan took Alex into his arms. “Honey, I had no idea it was this bad. I thought we’d worked through all of this after we talked to my folks.”

“For a while, when we moved to Texas, we lived out of the car.” Alex swallowed hard. “And I’m not blaming my parents, you know? They did the best they could, and we eventually got a studio apartment, and then we got a trailer. But it was hard, and everything was always right on the edge. And I just — I can’t put our kids through that. I can’t put my parents through that again. I just can’t.”

“Alex.” Jordan gave him a little squeeze. “What you have is anxiety — like, a legitimate illness. It stems from something real, that you experienced, and those are real and legitimate concerns. But you can’t control it, and your reactions are extreme. You need help.”

“I know.” Alex bowed his head. “But I can’t afford it, and I can’t afford to take the time away from work. Not when I’m already missing time for baby appointments, you know?”

“I think it’s probably better all around, at least in the long term, if you take the time to go to therapy. You couldn’t do meds, but you could definitely do therapy. It’s your choice, and I get why you’re making the choice you are.

“I have an idea that could help in the meantime. It’s something that’s helped some friends of mine who’ve coped with anxiety over the past few years.”

Jordan met Alex’s eyes, and Alex felt perfectly safe and loved. He took a deep breath. If he could never have another panic attack in front of people again, he’d try anything. “What is it?”

“Do something creative and meditative. Some folks knit. Some folks crochet. It forces you to concentrate on the thing you’re doing just enough to get your mind out of that spin cycle it’s on. Do it at night, before you go to bed, and it will help you get to sleep better. It’s not going to work right away, but it’ll get you some of the way there.”

Jordan held Alex’s hand. “I’m serious. This isn’t me pestering you to get back into art again, this is something that works for a lot of people. It’s not a cure-all, but it’s part of a process.”

Alex closed his eyes. He’d always scoffed at meditation as such, but if he could do something with his hands instead of sitting idle, he’d give it a shot. “Would sketching count, do you think?”

“Sure. I’m not an art therapist, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t.” Jordan grinned, and Alex’s chest loosened up.

He reached down beside his bed and pulled out the blank sketch book Anna had left on his desk. “My boss caught me doodling during a meeting and left this for me the next day. I was mortified,” he added with a chuckle. “I thought for sure I was going to be fired. But no, she really did just want to encourage me.”

Jordan beamed. “I think you should start today.” He reached into his bag and grabbed some pencils.

Everything in Alex, every wall he’d built for the past nine years, rebelled.

He took the pencils and opened the sketchbook to the first page. At first, his mind was completely blank. After so long, he couldn’t think of anything worth drawing.

Then a baby’s head took shape under his hand.