AHRI
Seconds were cuts, minutes were stabs, and hours were deep daggers. Time was painful and raw, but before I knew it, Chicago was slowly waking up. It must’ve been six, maybe seven in the morning, but neither of us dared to speak. Jack respected my wishes by staying on the bed, but he didn’t take his eyes off me while I sat in my corner hugging my legs. He remained in the same position, his leg no longer shaking with nerves, but his amber eyes still heartbroken.
I looked at my letter, Luke’s all caps handwriting carved into my eyeballs.
TINKS.
I remember the first time he called me Tinks. We had just finished watching Peter Pan for the first time, and Luke matched us to the characters.
‘I would be the boyish, adventurous Peter Pan, Aurora would be the innocent, motherly Wendy and Ahri? Well, you. You would be Tinkerbell without a doubt. The sass, the temper and the stubbornness of a cute fearless dangerous pixie.’
My smile appeared and disappeared as fast as it came.
I miss Luke. I miss my baby brother.
Jack cleared his throat, and my eyes cut the air to get to the sound. He cleared his throat again, shifting in his bed. Jack’s hair was still a mess from the club when I’d ran my hands through it and from my outburst of violence. His wallet still out on the bed and his boots and jacket were on the floor. Jack moved a little again, but he was stiff. As if someone had injected his veins with cement.
“Are you going to read it?” Jack’s voice was cautious not to press the wrong buttons with me.
“No.” My voice was callous, unresponsive.
“Do you want me to tell you what it says?”
“No.”
“Can I talk?”
“No.”
“Can I move?”
“No.”
“Do you want something to eat? Drink?”
Yes, ‘cause right now is the best time to be a fantastic host, Jack-ass.
“No.”
“Are you going to say ‘no’ to all my questions?”
“N—Yes.”
A smile cracked on Jack’s face. He’d tried to trick me, but it didn’t faze me. I was too far gone to care for Jack’s smartass comments. I buried my face in my knees again, pulling my legs closer to my chest until I was trapped inside my own personal box, making it harder to breathe.
After a while, I looked up and made eye contact with the designer floor lamp laying on the floor. The glass of the light bulb shattered across the floor. The killer of the lightbulb—my black strappy heel—lying next to the crime scene.
Jack moved just a little and stole my attention again. I wanted to talk to Jack, but not about his secret penthouse, past jobs, or lies.
“How is he?” I spoke to my killer high heel.
“Fidget—Luke?” Jack corrected himself. “He’s still a pain in the ass that loves to talk and be around people 24/7.”
“What else?” I directed my attention to the letter.
“If you let me move. I’ll tell you,” Jack negotiated.
I nodded without thinking. I didn’t want Jack near me, but I was desperate. I wanted to know more about Luke, even though I still didn’t know how to feel around Jack. Jack came halfway toward me before I darted my eyes to his black socks, making him halt.
“Fidget got his GED,” Jack said, taking a few steps closer to me and desperate Ahri let him. “It took him three tries and countless hours of tutoring, but I got him there.” Jack smiled and took one more step. “He’s a smart kid, but he’s got the attention span of a fucking squirrel.”
I petted the letter.
Jack stood tall above me before he sat down, legs crossed, and his bare knees poking out of his jeans and showing off more skin. More artwork. His long, dense breaths tickled my flesh, giving me that chill only Jack could. Jack’s eyes moved over to Lake Michigan, looking livelier as the sun shimmered over the water.
He dropped his head on the window and let out a massive, exhausted sigh. A small grin found Jack’s face, but it didn’t move me. It didn’t make me happy.
I was fucking Switzerland.
Neutral.
Indifferent.
Disinterested.
“Fidget wants to be a chef when he comes out,” Jack said.
My face responded with a ‘really’ look.
“Yeah, I know. The kid that left a scar on your face now wants to become a chef.” He chuckled. “I told you I was a chef…I just forgot to mention I was in prison when I had the job.” Jack’s cognac-colored eyes peered into my black ones, giving me a shy smile but, again, it didn’t faze me.
Motherfucking Switzerland.
“Anyway, Fidget had been following me around for months, and I figured I might as well put him to good use. I got Baby Fireball—one of his many nicknames—on the kitchen staff with me. It took a lot of convincing to get him in the kitchen with his arson record, but I managed. I got a silver tongue, you know?” Jack smiled nervously.
“He was shit at it in the beginning. He cut himself, fumbled around, spilled things, but he learned fast. Over the past few years, he got better than me. I never told him that. I would lose my credit as the head chef if I did. But…he was great. It might have just been prison slop, but Fidget was good at making it edible. Shit, possibly even craveable if you were that hungry. Sometimes, even when the food was decent, Fidget would still spend whatever money was in his account and bought a stupid ramen cup.” Jack laughed, but it was faint and cautious, almost as if he didn’t want to agitate me.
It didn’t.
In my head, I smiled. It was hard to believe that the boy who made burnt toast into a weapon, wanted to become a chef. The thought of Jack and Luke in the kitchen also gave me a fuzzy feeling, like Jack could have been the big brother or father figure Luke never had.
“He loved his ramen. I never used to eat it unless he bought it for me,” I said. I petted the envelope again, those orange eyes of Jack’s trapping me in a net while his smile got wider. “What else?” I hummed.
“Let’s see. I spent twenty-four seven with him. We worked out together, ate together, read together, and even fought together. Both for fun and practice, and from anger. My favorite times were when we went to the library. Maybe it was because it was the only time that he finally shut up, or maybe it was because it was the only place that didn’t feel like prison. We would sit across from each other, toss that rock of his back and forth, and read our books. Fidget stuck with his recipes or comic books. And I stuck with my business books and Shakespeare. The Tempest, Othello, Macbeth, and my two favorites, Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet. No one ever touched them but me. Not many convicts understood Willy, but I did. I tried to make Fidget understand, but he gave up.”
This time I did smile. Luke never cared for English class. Especially not anything with a book over a hundred years old. He called them ‘granny books.’
Fidget. The name started to grow on me. It made sense. He was always playing with something in his hand. A beer bottle cap, an eraser, and one time his stale gum that lost flavor before he threw it out.
“What else?”
“He’s still drop dead gorgeous. Got a lot of nicknames because of it: Pretty Boy, Abercrombie, Caliboy, Dandy, Eye Candy, Baby boy, Baby Fireball—so fucking many names.” Jack chuckled. “He grew maybe an inch or two, and he’s no longer skinny anymore. I helped him put on some muscle and taught him to fight in case he needed too. But the cons knew better than to mess with Fidget. I made sure of it.”
Thank you, Jack. I thought.
“And? What else?”
“Fidget wants to talk to you,” Jack stated, looking at the letter.
I picked at the top of the letter that was ripped. I slowly took out the single sheet of paper. Jack hadn’t been joking when he said he’d read it a hundred times. It was wrinkled, folded, and creased in different angles like Jack had tried to do origami with it.
“Did-did he ever talk about me?” I asked, feeling the lump in my throat as I swallowed it down.
Jack hesitated, revealing his answer.
“Oh,” the word escaped my heartbroken body.
“I didn’t know he had a sister until two days before I left. He gave me the letter, and I promised him I would find you and gave it to you. He gave me the last place he thought you would be at, some Polish bakery, and fast forward two weeks later.”
Jack moved toward me just a little, I pulled my legs closer to my chest. I wasn’t ready for his touch, and he knew it. He slid back, rejected and hurt, but he respected my decision and gave me my space. Jack dropped his head on the window and inhaled slowly.
“He told me stories about a ‘friend’ he was very close with. Spitting on cars, smoking weed, and sharing clothes. His ‘friend’ never had a name, but he talked about you a lot, Ahrianna.”
I chewed on my lip, hiding my smile. Luke still talked about me. That was a good sign, right? I traced the folds on the paper, my body tightening with each line I followed.
“Why didn't you give me this the first night we met, Jack?”
Jack cleared his throat and rubbed it. “That was the plan. Find you, possibly fuck you, give you the letter, and leave…but I, eh…old habits are hard to break. I saw your scars, the burns, and I got protective. I got curious. I thought Fidget was the one who tried to kill you. I thought that’s why he had no visitors, no callers, no mail because the only family he had left he’d almost murdered. That’s when I read the letter. That’s when I decided I was going to be your new roommate. To get closer to you, fuck you, get my information, and then leave…” Jack spoke softly, his voice almost silent, embarrassed by his actions.
Jack did say he is a selfish man.
“Old habits die hard, Ahri. But that’s no excuse. I used you.” Jack’s honesty was brutal. “I used you for information to feed my curiosity about the letter. And I fucked you to feed my obsessions, my needs, and urges I’d craved so desperately for the past seven years. The plan was to stay a few weeks, but after I stayed at The Bayne for too long and came back to see that bruise…” Jack rubbed his chest as he dropped his head on the window. A loud thump filling his master bedroom.
“…I felt like I was slowly dying. That’s when I realized I’d dug a hole I couldn’t get out of. I wanted to tell you about your brother, prison, and my penthouse—about fucking everything. But I kept digging my hole. We got closer, I fell harder, and before I knew it, I was six feet under. I dug myself into my own grave while I was looking for my treasure—the meaning behind the letter.”
I looked at the letter, more curious, but still afraid to read it. Afraid that it was just Luke calling me out on how much of a fuck up I was. Jack swallowed hard, the vein in his neck pulsing with anxiety.
“I’m sorry, Ahri. I really am. I’ll spend my whole life earning your trust if I have to. I will. I have nothing but time.” Jack’s voice cracked as he slowly moved his hand toward my foot.
I didn’t move away.
I let him touch me.
Jack still felt exactly the same. Warm, electric, and a part of me. I could see his whole body loosen up and his eyes flicker like a flame at my permission. He lightly caressed my foot moving up to my shin. A faint smile spread across his face as he started to look more relieved that I was slowly—molasses-speed kind—forgiving him.
“Yesterday, I went to get a pączki at the bakery before it closed. And that’s when Agata stopped me. She told me you were with another man. She told me that she thought you were cheating on me—”
“Woah. What?” I snapped, my legs collapsing on the ground. “I didn't. I didn’t cheat on you!”
I might’ve not been a hundred percent happy with Jack. Or liked him. Or even forgave him. But I’d rather die than have him think that there was another man in the mix. I wasn’t a cheater. I’m a lot of things, but a cheater wasn’t one of them. There was no other man. Only Jack.
Stupid lying jackass, Jack.
Jack’s jaw flexed. “Yeah, I know you didn’t. I know you would never.” Jack caressed my knee, scooting closer. “Agata told me she saw a man going upstairs with you. The same man Agata saw you with at the diner two Saturdays ago when I was with a ‘friend,’ but in reality, I was here. After she told me, I dropped my things and ran in the back where…I met him.”
I gasped, my body shaking.
“I met him. The man Fidget tried to kill…the man you tried to kill, Ahrianna. I met Eddy.”
I gasped.
Jack talked to him…
Jack knew what I had tried to do…
Jack knew Luke was innocent…
It happened so fast. The cut in my chest, my heart being carved out, then repeatedly stabbed until it turned into mush and placed back in my ribs. The sound of his name left me exposed and frail, and the sobs and tears abandoned my body with no control.
He doesn't deserve a name!
I wept and shook with anxiety, and it took Jack less than a millisecond to react and pull me into his chest. As much as I didn’t like Jack for lying to me. I needed him more than ever. I needed his bulletproof touch, but the problem was that the bullet was already inside me. Inserted four years ago.
Jack leaned back against the window as I hugged his waist and laid on the floor. I cried into his stomach as he smoothed my hair. “Shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay, Ahrianna.”
Gripping Jack’s shirt and Luke’s letter in my fists, I cried like a baby. Jack’s scent calmed my anxiety and body trembles, but it did nothing for my tears. They came crashing. I couldn’t stop myself, nor did I want to. Jack knew the truth about me, about the fire, and Luke. The fact that Luke was innocent, but I was not. I’d ruined Luke’s life because I couldn't get the job done. Because I couldn’t kill him.
I cried for minutes. My body hollowed out, leaving me with an empty shell. I locked eyes with Jack who wiped away the black makeup off my cheek with his shirt. He bent down and kissed my forehead, his touch exactly and everything I needed. I sniffed a few more times, death gripping the letter and Jack’s shirt.
“Ple-please don’t ever use his name again,” I begged and pleaded. I would sell my soul to the Devil if I never had to hear that name again.
“Never.” Jack promised in a gentle voice as he moved my hair behind my ear. I buried my face deeper into Jack’s core. My feelings for Jack slowly rose to the surface, but by no means, did I forgive him for lying to me. That would take time.
“What do you know?” I mumbled into his abdomen.
“I know he’s blackmailing you. I know he hit you. I know he’s taking your money. I know he is threatening you to call the cops because of something you confessed on paper. And I know you tried to kill him, Ahrianna.”
I nodded. “I did try. For Aurora,” I whispered.
My chest was sore, my arms were tense, and my legs were numb. I buried my face deeper into Jack’s stomach. I didn’t want to look at him. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. Although, out of all the people in the world Jack would understand. But I still couldn’t look at him.
“After my mom and aunt OD’d we stayed in the house he inherited. He was in his early thirties, an only child, and the house was paid off, which meant we didn’t have to pay rent. Saving money was the only reason we all stayed.”
I took a deep breath, inhaling the Versace, Marlboro and Jack’s natural scent to calm myself.
“A year had passed, I’d just turned twenty-one and gotten a bartending job near the house. Aurora was a full-time waitress and student, taking five classes, and Luke, well, he just got into his senior year of high school and did some under the table jobs or hung with friends. We were all so fucking busy. Running around like headless chickens.”
I looked at Jack, who was still smoothing my hair and taking care of me. I must’ve looked like a crying panda, but he looked at me as if I were a rare diamond. Shoving my face back into his stomach, I continued.
“He spent every second with Aurora. I thought it was odd, but when I asked her about it, she told me, ‘he was nice.’ After that day, she began to push Luke and me away. She slowly became his belonging. Our cousin’s thing. Like she was some item.”
I took a deep breath.
“Aurora didn’t like…men. She looked at women the same way Luke did. Eyes wide open, cheeks red, and a smile on her face showing off her dimple on the opposite side of mine. She was always asking about my friends—the girls, not guys. I would introduce them to each other and watch her get nervous, red, and flustered. Like a school girl talking to her crush.” A smile appeared on my face when I replayed old memories. The good memories. “Aurora never admitted she was a lesbian, but we knew. Luke and I knew. We tried to bring it up, but she denied it. She always denied it with anger in her voice like how could we dare assume she liked girls. She was confused, but at the same time, she wasn’t.”
I swallowed the lump that was my heart and continued. “A few months passed, and Aurora had completely pushed us away. She didn’t talk to us like she used to, she didn’t smile, and when she did, it was fake. She wasn't happy, but Luke and I were so involved in our own lives that we didn’t see. We didn't see the small cuts on her arms. Or her weight gain.” I let out a shaky breath. “We didn’t see that Aurora was pregnant.”
I panicked, my lungs trying to collapse on top of each other. My body shook with anxiety as Jack picked me up, sat me on his lap, and held me tightly. I hugged his hard body, my makeup burning my eyes off.
“He…he…he raped her. He raped her and got her pregnant.” I sobbed. “She was four months pregnant! Four months and we didn’t see. We didn't see how miserable she was. How he was a leech, taking every ounce of her happiness until she decided to take her own life.”
Jack kissed my face as I whimpered and cried. He told me it was going to be okay, but of course, it was too late. My other half, the one I’d shared a womb with, was gone and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I never got a chance to help her the way she had helped me through all the years. I cried until I had nothing left. I was no longer a shell, but a fossil imprinted on Jack.
Jack held me tight as my sobs slowly faded.
“I found the letter she left under my pillow the night she took her life. The letter that said she was not happy. Ever since they’d moved into that house, she’d been miserable. She told me that each year it had gotten worse and worse. Until he took her virginity, six months before she killed herself. For six months! He touched her, raped her, and used her, and neither of us noticed!”
My lungs begged for air in my panic attack. I trembled with fear and anxiety but was slowly brought back to reality in Jack’s arms and voice.
“I’m here. Hey, it’s okay I’m here.”
I sniffed, my body still shaking, but my tears no longer burning my eyes. Wiping my eyes with my palm, I saw all black.
“In the letter, she wrote that it was no one’s fault.” I let out a painful huff of laughter mixed with disbelief.
I would always blame myself.
If I hadn’t gotten caught stealing that butterfly necklace, I wouldn't be here. I should’ve listened to my gut that day and ran, but I was stupid. And I got caught. And I got punished.
That shiny gold butterfly necklace I wanted for myself caused the horrible butterfly effect that was my life. Ironic, in the worst possible way.
“She wrote that it was not her life to live. Not if it meant she had to have his kids. Our cousin’s babies. She feared the idea of having kids she did not want or would never love. The idea of being forced to live a life she never wanted. To live a life with him. Aurora was terrified. Completely and utterly petrified that she couldn't talk about it and the only way out was to die,” I wept. “She finally confessed in the letter that her body wasn’t meant for kids. She wasn’t put on this earth to spread her genes or have any man inside of her. No man.” I bawled my eyes out.
“I’m so sorry.” Jack’s voice cracked, giving me a kiss that felt as if it mended my soul. His red and orange eyes were full of sorrow and sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Ahrianna.”
“I tried to kill him that week. I made sure Luke was out with his friends, which wasn’t hard to do. He was always out. I made sure that he drank himself to sleep because he drank more after Aurora’s death. He claimed he loved her, that she was his. He claimed he would rather die than live without her, and so, I took that to heart. In my eyes, he was a dead man walking. Three days after her funeral I burned his house. I burned the house that had killed my sister, the house that took my other half, and the house that was going to take him out of this world and send him back to hell where he belonged.” My voice full of so much anger it felt as if I was spitting acid.
Jack wiped away my black tears.
“I accidentally burned myself in the process. It didn't matter. No pain was ever going to hurt me after what he did to Aurora. I watched the house burn, knowing very well he was about to die. I hid behind a tree ignoring my burnt flesh with a smile on my face until I saw a cop car. It turned around the corner, then a few minutes later, a firetruck, and an ambulance followed. They pulled him out with second-degree burns, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was when Luke was at the wrong place at the wrong time. He’d left his friend’s house hours before, wandering the streets alone with no alibi.”
“They arrested him on the spot, and I cried behind that tree, paralyzed with fear. I wanted to run up to the car and tell them I did it. But I was selfish and stayed behind that tree. When Luke was in jail, I tried to talk to him. To explain it all, but I didn’t exist. I was dead to him. He hated me with a burning passion and wanted nothing to do with me. He told me if he ever saw my face again, he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out to the wolves and watch them rip me apart.”
I inhaled choppy breaths, my tears, and my sobs. My body was physically exhausted from letting it all out, but I went back to my normal state.
My broken state.
“I should’ve confessed. I should’ve said it was me, but…but I couldn’t. I was scared and selfish. I didn’t want to go back there again. I knew if I were on trial with my record I would have gotten a longer sentence than Luke.”
Jack kissed my forehead, pulling me tighter into him like he was trying to swallow me whole. He rubbed my arm and pressed his lips against the top of my head.
“I didn’t see Luke again, but I talked to the lawyer. I worked my ass off and saved every single penny I could and even used all the money Aurora, Luke, and I had to pay that shitty lawyer. But after months and months of the trial, there was nothing to show for it. The lawyer didn't do shit. Luke still got thirty-five years for the aggravated arson and attempted murder.”
“After Luke went to Tavernville I started my new life. I came to Birch Park, got lucky with my jobs and worked endless hours so I could forget. To forget the pain, the sorrow, and the fuck ups. I trapped myself in a tight prison where I wasn’t allowed to think or sleep. Just work. Only work. Then a month ago, he found me. He had been looking for me for years, to blackmail me with a journal I’d kept in my underwear drawer that hid my confessions.”
“About the fire?” Jack asked.
“No…about the two times I successfully killed.” I sat up on Jack’s lap and looked into his eyes. He wasn’t scared.
Why would he be?
Jack caressed my face and tilted his head. “Who did you kill, Ahrianna?”
“Don’t you think it’s suspicious that my mom and aunt died on the same night?” I mumbled.
Jack’s eyes were like fire, his jaw like stone, and his body like a shield. He bit the inside of his cheek and pulled me back into his chest. He played with my hair as my eyelids got heavier and heavier.
“I told you, you’re worth it. In my world, Ahrianna, you’re perfect just the way you are. You’re the real thing.” Jack’s thick, raspy voice filled the empty room.
I opened my exhausted eyes and linked them with Jack’s.
“I’ll do anything to make you happy because you’re it for me. There isn’t anyone else in the universe that can make me feel the way you do. You’re my crazy other half, the one that drives me insane when you’re not around. The one I can’t live without, nor would I ever want to. You’re worth fighting, dying, and killing for. Understood?” Jack cupped my cheeks as I nodded.
Jack kissed my forehead and smiled, filling me with butterflies. But they weren’t black butterflies this time, because nothing felt wrong. Nothing felt off. Jack meant every word of what he’s said and more.
“I know it’s going to take a while for you to forgive me, to trust me, but you can do that while you stay here. I meant it when I said you’re going to stay with me forever. Whether you like it or not. You’re mine, permanently mine, and I need you. If I have to lock you up in my tower, I will. Remember? I’m an unbelievably selfish man, Ahrianna.” Jack smiled shyly. “I’m going to marry you, put babies in you, raise those little spawns of ours in this very penthouse, and I’m going to die with you and for you. Love doesn't compare to what I feel for you. I am devoted, intoxicated and completely consumed by you, Ahri.”
Jack kissed my trembling lips.
“Our story isn’t written in stone but carved into my heart, my bones, my soul. You’re my everything and anything. My perfect, broken half I can’t live without, Ahrianna Lore. You’re my Goddess, and I’m merely a king with the right playing cards. And I promise I’ll never lie to you again. I swear on my grave. I’ll never lie to you again.”
My eyes shook between Jack’s amber soul as he held me prisoner. This wasn’t a trick. Jack’s eyes weren’t a fantasy, a dream, or an illusion. They were reality, consumed with honest intentions and promises.
One happy tear dripped down my cheek.
Jack was my savior, but he was no Prince Charming or the knight or the moat surrounding the castle. He was the dragon that burned anything that got near the forbidden, sacred ground.
He was a killer. I know that. It was written in his attitude, his life, his first crime and more. But so was I.
We were both killers.
Sinners with the hearts of Saints.