CHAPTER 13
GRIEF WAS NOT SOMETHING THAT WENT AWAY WHEN I OPENED my eyes and found that the sun still rose in the morning. Nor did it pass when the sun started to decline and stars lined the sky.
I’d been mute and emotionless until I’d returned to my dorm and had seen the remnants of our movie party. Someone had gotten Olivia out of the room, but standing there, staring down at the Twizzler I’d thrown at Caleb’s head hours before, I broke apart. All I remember was Seth picking me up and carrying me back to the bed.
Sometime in the afternoon, Seth left. Returning before dinner, he tried to coax me into eating. But I’d hit the dark abyss that followed such things. Maybe I’d never really dealt with Mom’s death and the loss of Caleb had brought everything to the surface. I really didn’t know, but when I thought about her, I thought about Caleb and our spirit boats.
All I did was sleep, and it was the deep sleep where the nightmares of reality finally couldn’t reach me. During the random moments I was awake and fully aware of what was going on around me, I yearned for Caleb—and for my mom. I needed one of her hugs. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay, but that could never happen, and my heart couldn’t bear the idea of mourning Caleb, too.
Seth stayed by my side, turning into this protectively fierce creature who wouldn’t allow Marcus or any of the Guards into my room. He kept me in the loop, letting me know what was going on outside my room. Halfs were being searched again, but they believed Sandra was the culprit for the original attack. She’d been a Sentinel, so she’d been on and off the island so many times—enough times that they’d missed her when they’d searched the Sentinels and Guards. This whole time, their suspicion had been on one of the students, and it’d been a Sentinel.
He also tried telling me that what happened to Caleb wasn’t my fault. When that didn’t work, he went with the whole “Caleb wouldn’t want this” tactic. Then he relied on the one thing that usually stirred me up—insults and witty banter. I think he told me I smelled by the third day.
Eventually Seth seemed at a loss for what to do. He stretched out, wrapped his arm around me, and waited. It took a while for me to realize the heartache I felt had transferred to him. Seth didn’t know how to deal with it either, and at the beginning of the fourth day, it was like he, too, had lost his best friend. So we both lay there, silent and soul-sick.
Like two sides of the same coin.
Sometime during the middle of the night, Seth leaned over me. “I know you’re not sleeping.” A few seconds later, he brushed the limp strands of hair off my face. “Alex,” he said softly. “They’re having Caleb’s funeral at noon tomorrow.”
“Why… why aren’t they doing it at dawn?” I asked hoarsely.
Seth shifted closer, his breath warm. “The Guards who were killed will be buried at dawn, but Caleb was only a half-blood student.”
“Caleb… deserves a funeral at dawn—he deserves that tradition.”
“I know. I know he does.” Seth sighed deeply, sadly. “You have to get out of this bed, Alex. You have to go.”
I steeled myself against the sharp pang, but it still cut through me. “No.”
His head dropped to lie beside mine. “No? Alex, you can’t be serious. You have to go.”
“I just can’t. I’m not going.”
Seth continued to push the topic until frustration and anger took over. He jumped off the bed. I rolled onto my back and ran my hands over my face. My skin felt grubby.
Standing by the foot of the bed, Seth did the same thing with his hands. “Alex, I know this—all of this—is killing you, but you’ve got to do this. You owe this to Caleb. You owe it to yourself.”
“You don’t understand. I can’t go.”
“You’re being ridiculous!” he shouted, not caring if he woke up everyone on my floor. “Do you know how much you’ll regret this? Is that something else you want to eat away at you?”
There was a fine line between rage and sorrow, one that I tottered on. I tipped onto the side of rage this time. I pushed up, climbing to my knees. “I don’t want to see them hoisting his body up in the air and burning it! His body—Caleb’s body!” My voice cracked, along with my heart. “That’s Caleb they’ll burn!”
Just like that, the anger faded from Seth’s face. He took a step forward. “Alex—”
“No!” I raised my arm, ignoring the way it shook. “You don’t understand, Seth. He wasn’t your friend! You barely knew him! And you know what? You want to know the most messed up thing about that? Caleb looked up to you. He idolized you, and did you even give him the time of the day? Sure, you spoke to him every once in a while, but you didn’t know him! You didn’t care to.”
Seth rubbed his jaw. “I didn’t know. If I thought—”
“You were too busy fooling around with the girls or being an arrogant jerk.” After the words left my mouth, I immediately regretted them. I sat back down, heart racing painfully. “You can’t do anything… about this.”
“I’m trying to do something about this.” Those eyes sparked to life, glowing amber. “I don’t know what else to do! I’ve stayed with you—”
“I didn’t ask you to stay with me!” I screamed so loud my throat hurt. I needed to calm down. Guards would rush this room if I kept it up. “Just leave. Please. Just leave me alone.
Seth stared at me for what seemed like an eternity and then he left, slamming the door shut behind him. I collapsed back on the bed, balling my hands over my eyes.
I shouldn’t have said those things.
All this time I’d worried about having no control. Ironically, from day one I’d acted out-of-control. I didn’t control my anger or my impulses to do whatever I wanted. How had I fooled myself this entire time? Having control meant acting in the right way, at least most of the time. But I’d acted wild—reckless. I’d let my heart decide when I’d questioned contacting the Covenant after Mom and I had left. There was no logic behind that. My heart had destroyed whatever friendship I’d had with Aiden. And my heart and my selfishness had led me to sneak around with Caleb. If we’d just stayed in my room—or if I hadn’t moped around for a week—Caleb wouldn’t have felt the need to cheer me up. We wouldn’t have gone to get drinks.
He wouldn’t have died.
I don’t know how long I lay there tangled up in the blankets. My mind raced through my childhood with Caleb, the three long years without him, and every single moment I’d spent with him since I’d returned to the Covenant. Rolling over, I curled into myself. I missed him—missed Mom. Both of their deaths were linked to me, to decisions I’d made or hadn’t made. Action. Inaction. Marcus’s words came back to haunt me in those hours, over and over again. Everything you do…
On the fifth day, the day of Caleb’s funeral, the sun rose early and it shone brighter than I remembered for a November morning. In less than four hours, Caleb’s earthly remains would forever be lost. Five days since he’d died, one-hundred-and-twenty hours since the last time I’d touched him and heard him laugh, over seven thousand minutes of slowly adjusting to a world that didn’t include him.
And only a few short hours since I realized I’d never had any control.
I sat up, threw the covers to the side and swung my legs off the bed. Standing made me woozy at first, but I went into the bathroom and stared at my reflection.
I looked terrible.
One of the daimons had left behind faint, purplish bruises along my jaw and cheekbone. My hair hung in thick, straggly clumps. Red tinged the rims of my eyes. Slowly, wearily, I peeled off the disgusting clothes and dropped them on the floor. In the shower, I leaned my forehead against the cool tile, letting my mind go blissfully blank.
Cold water bounced off my skin by the time I pulled myself from the shower and wrapped a large, white towel around me. It was when I mindlessly tugged a comb through the tangles in my hair that something occurred to me.
In the dim light, the scars covering my neck looked shiny and uneven. I always kept my hair down and wore long sleeve shirts to hide the red patches on my arms. Those scars had never seemed to heal like they should’ve. I did everything and anything to hide the scars. Scars left behind from my own reckless, thoughtless actions. So ugly—
Instructor Romvi’s words came back to me. You should be less worried about your vanity.
The big-toothed comb slipped from my fingers. Hurrying from the bathroom, I went to the small kitchen area and straight to the wicker basket beside the microwave. I rummaged through napkins, clips, and other stuff I never used. Among them I found a pair of orange-handled scissors. Picking them up, I doubted they would cut through most things, but they’d do.
I went back to the bathroom and grabbed my hair, pulling it around my shoulder. My own wide, brown eyes stared back at me. The hair, wet and thick, hung past my chest. Without thinking twice, I positioned the scissors just above my bare shoulders.
A hand shot out, snatching the scissors from my grasp. So fast—so unexpected—I shrieked and jumped back. Seth stood there, dressed in all black. I clutched the front of my towel and stared.
“What are you doing?” Seth handled the scissors as if they were a snake about to sink its fangs deep into his skin.
“I… I’m vain.”
“So you were going to cut your hair?” He sounded incredulous.
“Yeah, that was the plan.”
He looked like he wanted to question that further, but he turned around and dropped the scissors on the dresser. “Get dressed. Now. You’re going to Caleb’s funeral.”
My grip on the towel tightened. “I’m not going.”
Ignoring me, Seth went into my bedroom. “I’m not arguing with you about this anymore. You’re going to his funeral, even if I have to drag you there.”
I didn’t really believe that. So I was shocked when I tried to shut and lock the bathroom door, and Seth whipped around. He pried my hand off the door and yanked me out of the bathroom.
Exhaustion and hunger made me slow, and I had a death grip on my towel. Those were the reasons I ended up pinned to his chest, both of us on the floor in front of the bed. I could feel his heart hammering against my shoulder and his breath against my cheek.
Seth’s hands were clamped on my arms, keeping me from delivering a nasty elbow to his face. “Why… why do you always act like this? Why? Why did you do this to yourself? All of this could’ve been avoided.”
The sudden tightening in my throat warned that the yawning emptiness was still there, lingering. “I know. Please… please don’t be angry with me.”
“I’m not angry with you, Alex. Okay, maybe a little.” He moved slightly, pressing his head against mine. Several moments passed before he spoke again. “How could you do this to yourself? You—you of all people should have known better.”
I felt the tears start to well up again. “I’m sorry. We didn’t—”
“You could have died out there, Alex—or worse.” Seth let out a ragged breath, his fingers tightening around my upper arms. “Do you know what I thought when I felt your panic?”
“I’m sorry—”
“Sorry wouldn’t have done a damn thing if I’d lost you, and for what?” He grasped the sides of my face, turning my head so I had no other choice but to face him. His eyes searched mine. “Why? Is it because of what happened with Aiden?”
“No.” Tears rolled down my cheeks now. “I did it because I was being stupid. We just wanted to get some drinks. I didn’t think anything would happen. If I could change it, I would. I would do anything.”
“Alex.” Seth closed his eyes.
“I mean it. I would do anything to change what happened! Caleb—he didn’t deserve that. I did know better. If we’d stayed in my room, he would still be alive. I know that.”
“Alex, please.”
“I know I acted stupid.” My voice cracked. “And if I could go back, I would. I’d switch places with him. I would—”
“Stop,” he whispered, his thumbs wiping away my tears. “Please stop crying.”
Everything inside me felt like it was tensing and twisting into one giant knot. “I’m so sorry. I want to take it all back. I want a do-over, because I can’t do this again.”
He made a strangled sound as he pulled me to his chest, holding me there until my heart stopped racing and the tears subsided. “You have to do this again and you don’t get a do-over, Alex. None of us do. You can only move forward from here, and the first step is going to his funeral.”
I drew in a deep breath. “I know.”
Seth caught my chin with the tip of his finger, tipping it back. I think that’s when he realized I wore nothing more than a towel. His eyes flicked down for a moment and then his entire body seemed to stiffen. It could have been all the extreme emotions rolling through both of us, or the connection we shared, but every inch of my body suddenly felt warm.
It was strange how the body could forget all these terrible things so quickly. Or maybe it was the soul that worked that way, seeking out warmth and touch, needing to prove that we were still in the world of living. I leaned in, resting my cheek against his shoulder. I closed my eyes.
“You’re shaking,” Seth murmured.
“I’m cold.”
His hands slid over my shoulders. “You really need to put some clothes on. You shouldn’t be dressed like that.”
“You came in here. That’s not my fault.”
“Still. You need to put some clothes on.”
I bit my lip and pulled back. Seth stared back at me, his eyes unnaturally bright. “Okay. But you’re going to have to let go of me first.”
His hands tensed on my back, and for a second… well, he looked like he wasn’t going to let me go. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Seth did let go, but he leaned in, resting his forehead against mine. “You do smell better now. I think we’re making progress.”
My lips twitched. “Thanks.”
Some of the tension in his body seemed to seep out. “You ready?”
I breathed in deeply, and it felt like the first time in days. “Yes.”
When I was little, my mother had once told me that only in death could a pure and a half be viewed as equals. Both would stand before the River Styx, waiting for their souls to be carried into the hereafter.
Everyone had already filed into the cemetery by the time Seth and I made it there. The pures stood up front, before the halfs, which made no sense to me. Caleb had been one of us, not them. So why should they stand closer to him? Aiden would say it was tradition.
It was still wrong.
I roamed the outer edge of the groups with Seth, dodging outright curious looks and even a few stares of condemnation. I tried to convince myself I wasn’t looking for a certain, dark-haired pure as my gaze kept returning to the group at the front. Aiden was the last person I wanted to see.
Seth finally stopped, so I did, too. He hadn’t spoken since we’d left my room, but he kept glancing at me. I think he worried I’d flip out again. Tucking my still-damp hair back, I looked up at him, chewing on my lip.
“You’re going to thank me, aren’t you?” Seth sounded amused.
“Well… I was. Not so sure about that now.”
“Come on. I want to actually hear you say it. It’ll probably be your first and last time.”
I squinted against the sun’s harsh glare. Far away, I could see the pyre, the body swathed in white linen. “Thank you for staying with me. And I’m sorry for being such a bitch toward you.”
Seth unfolded his arms, nudging me with his elbow. “Did you just call yourself a—”
“Yes, I did, because I am one.” I sighed loudly. “You didn’t deserve it when I yelled at you… about Caleb.”
He stepped closer as Lucian moved to stand before the pyre. As the Minister, he would give the parting speech, eternal life and all that. “I deserve a lot of things,” Seth said.
“Not that.” I tore my eyes from the scene before me. I focused on a nearby hyacinth bush. The single dense spike of flowers was a vibrant red, the blossoms shaped like little stars. They signaled grief and mourning, and they were everywhere in the cemetery, reminding all of us of the tragedy of Apollo’s love for the beautiful Hyacinth. Back when the gods roamed the earth freely, people who ended up dying some tragic death became a flower if they were young and beautiful, male or female, and had earned a god’s favor.
Twisted.
Seth shifted closer, his arm brushing mine. “You know, the connection between us didn’t leave me with any other choice.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, thank you, anyway.”
Lucian started in on the memorial speech, speaking about Caleb’s spirit and strength. The ache in my chest grew and the sweetly scented air felt cool against my damp cheeks. When the pyre was lit, my insides twisted and I couldn’t stop the shudder that kept running through my body. I turned halfway, pressing against the waiting warmth while the air filled with the sounds of crackling wood and quiet sobs.
I don’t know what hurt more: the fact I’d never see him again or that I’d never hear his infectious laugh. Each realization sent a sharp pang through me.
It wasn’t until the crowds began to disperse did I grasp the warmth I’d sought out actually belonged to a body—and that body belonged to Seth. Cheeks flushing, I stepped out of his embrace. I’d cried on him enough to last me a lifetime. “I need to…”
“I understand.” Seth stepped back. “I’ll wait for you outside.”
Grateful that he got it without me actually having to say anything, I watched him head back to the cemetery gates. I wiped under my eyes again and turned around.
I froze.
Olivia stood in front of me, dressed in black slacks and a sweater. Her skin was shades lighter; her eyes, usually so warm and open, were now cold and angry. Tears ran down her face unchecked.
I stepped toward her, wanting to comfort her. “Olivia, I’m so—”
“Why didn’t you do something?” Her voice broke. “You were his best friend. You could’ve done something!” She moved forward, her arm trembling as she pointed at me.
Luke reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t. It’s not Alex’s—”
“You’re the Apollyon!” Olivia cried out, her words ending in a broken sob. “Yes, I know! Caleb told me what you are, and I’ve seen you fight!” She turned to Luke, eyes pleading. “You’ve seen how fast she can move. Why didn’t she do something?”
I knew—I knew there was nothing physically I could’ve done. I wasn’t the Apollyon—not yet—but to hear her say that? Well, it was like hearing Marcus’s voice in my head. People expect more from you, because of what you will become.
“I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m so—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry! That won’t bring Caleb back!”
I flinched. “I know.”
“Olivia, come on. Let’s go back to your room.” Luke sent me an apologetic look as he started inching her around.
Elena came forward, taking Olivia’s hand. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
Olivia slumped against Luke, her head falling to her chest. The full weight of her loss was visible for all of us to see.
Grief clawed its way through my chest. I turned away, feeling a rush of hot tears. Blindly, I stumbled away from them, roaming deeper into the memorial grounds. It wasn’t until I bumped into someone did I look up, wiping under my eyes. “Oh, sorry—” I stopped, mid-apology.
It wasn’t a person I’d run into, but a statue. A small laugh crawled out of my throat as I stared up at the striking, yet woeful face carved out of stone. The sculpture had been shaped so that he bent at the waist slightly, one hand reaching out toward something, palm open in a beckoning manner. My gaze drifted down to the base, where the name Thanatos had been scripted. Under his name was a symbol—a torch turned downward.
I’d seen it before… on Instructor’s Romvi’s arm.