Chapter Ten

 

“I’m fine, Ellen, I promise,” Tasha insisted from her pile of pillows. “I feel better than I have in weeks. My ankles aren’t swollen anymore, and I’m nowhere near as tired.” She made a face. “Of course now that I have energy, I’m not allowed to get up and use it.”

“No, you’re not, young lady.” Ellen smiled to soften the command. “Your only job is to take care of yourself and my grandchildren. And that means you have to let us wait on you.”

Jen heard the doorbell ring and grinned. “And today, the pampered pregnant princess will eat like a queen. Just this once and you shouldn’t tell Stephen.”

Tasha looked at her hopefully. “Ruby’s?”

Jen nodded and laughed when Tasha let out a whoop of delight. She signed for the bag and started getting the plates ready, hoping her mother was feeling better. She’d been quiet on the way over. It worried her when her mother got quiet. Was it just Tasha’s health or was something wrong with her father?

“Jennifer?”

She didn’t look up. “Hey. Do you want to take her plate in?”

“I know.”

Jen frowned, spatula paused as she looked at her mother in confusion. “Know what?”

“I heard you and that man who came to the hospital. Your professor. I know you and Tristan Dunham are staying with him. Together.”

This wasn’t happening. She wasn’t standing over steaming lasagna while her mother confronted her about having a threesome. She couldn’t know. How would she know? “Mama, maybe now is not the best time to be having this conversation.”

“Jennifer Finn, you will sit down and listen to me right now.”

Jen set down the spatula, walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. Her mother hadn’t spoken to her like that since she’d started a fire on the kitchen stove when she was nine. “I’m listening.”

Ellen Finn was ringing her hands together. She looked so pale with her shock of red hair curling around her face. “I know after that incident with Jeremy and Owen I told you that I’d be proud of anything and anyone you chose, as long as it made you happy.”

“I remember. Mama, sit down with me, please. You’re scaring me a little.”

“I said any one, Jennifer. One. You can’t have more than that. It just doesn’t work.”

Jen’s hands were shaking. Her mother couldn’t understand. “What if it did?”

“Excuse me?”

“What if it worked and I finally felt what Jeremy feels for Owen? What Stephen feels for Tasha? They aren’t your ordinary couples, either. Can’t I have what they have?”

Her mother held up two fingers. “Couples, Jennifer. Two make a pair. There are only two sides to a coin, two figures on a cake, two people in a relationship.” She took a breath. “Don’t make this mistake, Jennifer. The others we could fix, but not this one. We can’t fix this one.”

She loved her mother more than her own life. She admired her and the way she cherished and supported her family. But what she was saying right now hurt like a physical blow. “But that’s my job, isn’t it? I’m the Finn who makes mistakes. And no one ever forgets them. I was engaged for years to a man like Scott? Mistake. I hit a woman and got arrested? Mistake. Forget that I wasn’t happy when I was with him—you didn’t order him away. Forget that I was defending my family—the way I’ve seen my brothers do a million times. Forget that everyone in this family makes mistakes.”

“Not those kind—” her mother started.

Jen laughed. “Owen slept with nearly every woman in this city he wasn’t related to by the time he was thirty-five. Seamus is such a soft touch he’ll be—”

This time Ellen cut her off. “Your brother’s generosity isn’t a mistake, Jennifer Finn. Neither are my grandchildren. Don’t you ever say it.”

Jen ran a hand through her hair. “I wasn’t saying that. I only meant that no one in this family is perfect.”

Tasha’s voice startled them both. “She’s right, Ellen. Even Stephen was on his way to becoming a criminal before he went into politics.”

Jen shook her head. She’d been too loud. “Tasha, you should be lying down.”

“Oh, I’m not missing this, angel. Ellen, will you help me get to the table?”

Jen felt sick to her stomach. Guilty. “I’m so sorry. You’re supposed to be relaxing.”

Tasha sat down but held on to Ellen’s hand. “I’m carrying your grandchildren. I’m family now.”

Ellen squeezed her hand, looking worried and uncomfortable. “You’ve always been a part of our family, Natasha.”

“Then sit down with me.” When Ellen was sitting across from Jennifer, Tasha nodded. “Now we have a real girl talk. As far as I’m concerned, Ellen Finn, you are my mother. My family… You took me in. You did the same for Jeremy and you know how he feels about you. You’ve been like a mother to Sol’s children too, and every one of them would do anything for you. Even your books are all about inclusion and understanding.” Tasha sighed. “This isn’t an ordinary situation, I know. Maybe we can’t understand what Jen is going through right now. What she’s feeling.”

Jen stared down at the table, trying not to cry. Her mother was ashamed of her. Apparently she’d crossed the only line Ellen Finn had without even knowing it.

“I do understand what she’s going through.”

She looked up at that. “What?”

“Oh God.” Ellen covered her mouth as if trying to hold back the words. But she couldn’t. “I know. I never thought one of my children would make that mistake. That my baby girl would... I didn’t want you to suffer for my sins, but that’s exactly what’s happening.”

“What are you saying, Mama?”

“Ellen,” Tasha leaned closer, reaching for her hand again. “Did you and Shawn have a…a special friend?”

Ellen wiped her face, laughing unhappily and shaking her head, unable to meet either woman’s gaze. “Shawn had a best friend. Someone he grew up with and trusted. His twin.”

Jen’s head was spinning. “Uncle Sol?” Grumpy, bitter Uncle Sol, who went through wives like Kleenex and tossed them aside just as easily after they’d given him a child? “You and Sol?”

“And Shawn,” Ellen whispered.

Jen glanced at Tasha and saw the woman who never met a kink she didn’t like at a loss for words. She couldn’t blame her. She could hardly believe it was true. This was her mother. Her sweet, innocent, baking-cookies mother. “How? When?”

“I met them at a church dance, of all places. I was young and they were both so handsome, two beautiful copies who spent the night taking turns asking me to dance. Only me. The attention and flattery went to my head, I think. By the time the night was over, I’d agreed to go out with both of them. It was scandalous, of course, but I didn’t care. They made me feel special.”

Jen knew that feeling.

“They were so similar in appearance, but as I got to know them, I could see the differences. Solomon was ambitious and serious and determined to cast a bigger shadow than his father had. Shawn made me laugh, and sometimes it seemed he didn’t take anything seriously. Except for me…and his relationship to his brother.”

“And after that first date?” Tasha asked, obviously fascinated.

Ellen ran her hands nervously over her hair. “There were more. They had this game, a competition between them to impress me. To be the first one to steal a kiss. The first one to… But they never told me I had to pick. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to. I fell in love with the way we were together. So much that I lied to my parents, packed a bag, and the three of us spent most of the summer in a beautiful, secluded cottage. Playing house.”

“Oh my God,” Jen whispered, so shocked she couldn’t hold it in. “Mama, oh my God.”

“I know.” Ellen seemed close to tears. “It didn’t seem wrong when we were alone, but we got careless. People who lived there—strangers—started to say things. Look at me a certain way when I went into the grocery store. I know Solomon was feeling it too. He had joined the police force to do good things and he’d fought so hard to be respected. To not have people look at him and say he was his father’s son.”

Tasha was rubbing her stomach as if her children needed protection from the sadness. “So you broke it off?”

Ellen’s smile was bemused. “I didn’t. I was ashamed, Solomon was ashamed, neither one of us could stop suffering about it, but we weren’t the ones to end things. We weren’t strong enough. Shawn was. He said he loved us both so much he couldn’t bear to see us that way if he could do something about it. He said he’d leave town and I could marry Solomon and raise his children without scandal. Without him.”

“What happened?” Thinking about her father’s selflessness brought tears to her eyes. He hadn’t changed.

“I cried. Solomon… He thanked him and promised he’d take care of me and keep in touch. He was relieved his brother was leaving. I don’t know, but I think it was at that moment that I realized I loved being with them both, but I was in love with Shawn Finn. He was the one I wanted to be the father of my children. The one I wanted to laugh with every day until I died. The one I couldn’t be without.”

“That’s beautiful, Ellen.” Tasha wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand.

“Is it? I handled it so badly. Solomon never forgave either one of us, but he didn’t leave town either. It took me a while to understand why when he was clearly so unhappy. He still loves his twin brother, you see. I know he does. I’m the problem. I’m the reason it’s taken so long and it’s always such a struggle to get them in the same room. My inability to resist having both of them together destroyed their relationship.”

Uncle Sol suddenly made sense to Jen. Despite all his marriages and his house full of children, he’d always seemed so bitter and lonely. Like he was missing something vital. His brother? Or his brother’s wife?

“You see now, right, baby? You see why you can’t continue living with them? How this could worry your father and bring it all back for him? How many people you could hurt?”

“Ellen, wait, that’s not fai—”

“I see, Mama.” Jen interrupted Tasha. She felt oddly detached, like someone in shock, but it made things easier. She could see it. Declan and Trick had been together for years, but Trick had never seemed ready to commit. Until now. She could see them being happy together without her. She could also see the pain that having both of them would cause her family. Her mother. Her father.

It wouldn’t work anyway. Couldn’t work. People would forgive a lot for love. But all the stories and all the songs—every great romantic masterpiece known to man ended with two people joined as one. Everyone drew the line at three, not just her mother. No one could love more than one person—not at the same time—not if it was real. That’s what people always said.

It feels real.

She’d never meant to fall in love with them. Hadn’t she told Tasha a few weeks ago that she didn’t see Finn family dinners in their future?

When had it happened? When had she started thinking about them in terms of forever? One of their late-night talks in bed? When she was studying with Trick massaging her feet and Declan typing up his lecture, his glasses sliding down his nose?

They were so natural together that it didn’t seem wrong.

You kept it a secret. You knew.

She thought about the things Declan had taught the class about poly relationships. That the culture defined the rules but not the desires. In the end though, culture usually won.

Her family won. They had to. She couldn’t hurt them just because she was selfish enough to want more. Too much more. One more than was allowed.

Jen pushed herself up and went back to the lasagna, preparing the plates and reheating them one at a time in the microwave as the other women watched in silence.

Every muscle in her body went tight when her mother touched her arm. “Jennifer?”

I can’t talk to her. Not now. “Tasha needs to be in bed. I think we’ve upset her enough. Will you take her while I get her lunch ready?”

She wasn’t willing to talk about this anymore. She hurt for her mother, but right now she was hurting too. At least Ellen Finn hadn’t left her ménage without the one man she really loved. Jen had to give both of them up and be alone. That seemed to be the only way she wouldn’t end up hurting someone. The only way everyone else would be happy.

 

***

 

“Are you sure about this?” Alicia was frowning in Jen’s bedroom doorway as she packed up her things. Her cousins Noah and Rory had come over to help her move, and they were downstairs loading boxes into Rory’s truck.

“I talked to the dean and was able to make a schedule to test out of the rest of my classes for the semester, since it’s nearly over. Next year I only have one class at campus—the rest is field work and I’ve already picked out the hospital so I’m all set.”

“You don’t have to move out.”

Jen sighed. “I do. Tasha won’t sit still for anyone and she has a few months to go before she can safely deliver. Owen and Jeremy are getting married at Christmas and they need help with the planning, since most of the venues are already booked. Dad needs to get more exercise and I—“She pressed her lips together and folded the last of her clothes in her suitcase. “It’s better for everyone if I stay in Stephen and Tasha’s guest room for now.”

Alicia came in the room and took her hand, stopping her. “Have you talked to either of them?”

“I can’t,” she whispered. She’d sent them an email like a coward the night her mother dropped her bombshell.

The next day she’d found out that Trick had been beaten up during one of his cases and she’d wanted to go to him, but she knew if she did she wouldn’t leave. She’d dropped Declan’s class, which wouldn’t look good on paper, but she couldn’t bring herself to face either of them. At this point she was just struggling to make it through the next minute. The next breath.

“I was worried when you first told me about them,” Alicia admitted. “But then I saw how happy you were. You’re a good person, Jen. You deserve to be happy.”

Jen pulled away. “Not everyone gets to be happy, whether they deserve it or not. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and do what’s best for everyone.”

Noah and Rory were standing in the doorway. From their expressions they’d heard every word. “To hell with that,” Rory said, frowning. “What cereal box did you read that piece of wisdom on, Martyr Oats?”

Noah came over to her and pulled her into his arms. “She does seem to be rushing to the front of the Finn Spinster line in a hurry. I always thought it was going to be Solomon or James who suffered for the family, but no. It’s this one. The pretty one with all the brains and potential.”

“I prefer threesomes,” Rory admitted with a shrug. “Have them all the time. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal.”

“For men, I guess it isn’t.” Alicia glared at them on her behalf. “Men can get away with anything.”

“She has a point.” Noah looked at Rory. “You in particular. I’m not sure why, it’s not like you’re better looking.”

Rory glared. “I am, but that’s not why. It’s because I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. I just do it. Nine times out of ten I get away with it.”

Jen pushed Noah away and turned back to her suitcase. “This is the last of it. Just let me close it up.”

“No.” Noah pushed Jen’s hair back and studied her swollen eyes. “This isn’t right, Jen. I didn’t agree with the army that marched over to your professor’s house to warn him away, but I’m glad I was there to watch him talk them all down. He’s a good talker, that Declan Kelley. And he had some great things to say about you. He didn’t give up. Why are you? How can we help you fix this?”

She started crying at the mention of his name. “You want to fix this? The way Ken and Brady fixed things for Tasha and Stephen? Will a blog make this better, do you think? Make it okay for me to—” She shook her head. “The problem is there’s no bad guy to fight or run out of town. You can’t make loving two men suddenly acceptable, just like you can’t make your father stop his decades long hate-fest and forgive my parents for breaking up their three-way.”

She slapped her hand over her mouth as the two brothers and Alicia stared at her in shock.

“Holy shit.” Rory spoke first. “My father and Aunt… Holy shit, Jen. I might not be able to have sex again.”

“He won’t. Not for a week at least,” Noah agreed.

Alicia sighed. “Your family is so much more interesting than mine.”

Jen wasn’t going to talk about it ever again. Her mother didn’t deserve to be the subject of gossip. “Don’t joke. My mother only told me so I’d be able to make an informed decision.”

Rory frowned. “Really? That sounds more like a helping of guilt pie to me. I didn’t think Aunt Ellen served that kind of thing.”

“You don’t understand. She feels responsible for Dad and Uncle Sol’s relationship.”

Noah crossed his arms. “I get it. But she’s not. I lived with that man my whole young life. He’s carrying around more baggage than three Brady’s could carry alone. She isn’t the reason he’s an asshole. She might think that—hell, he might think that—but it’s not true.”

“She said he wasn’t always like that.”

“Wasn’t always obsessed with appearance?” Rory asked. “With competition? With putting a good foot forward to represent the Finn name and make people forget his dad was a likable mobster?”

Jen bit her lip. Her mother had mentioned that.

“Do you know your father used to come to our house once a week without fail for years to try and talk to Sol?”

She shook her head.

“He’d wait in the driveway and we’d go out and talk to him. Sometimes he’d throw a ball around or tell us stories about the trouble he and Sol would get into when they were kids. But our father never let him in. Not once in, what, ten years?”

Rory nodded. “Yeah, he’s a stubborn bastard.”

“That doesn’t change anything. Not for me.”

Noah ran a hand through his curls and made a sound of frustration. “I don’t usually do serious, so everyone should mark this day in your calendars. Trick and Declan aren’t Sol and Shawn. They grew up in a different time, they had different issues and, to be honest, they never would have been able to share her forever. Not if my father was part of the equation.

“Trick and Declan aren’t brothers in competition, they’re lovers who both seem to be crazy about you, too. Declan isn’t worried about the Kelley name and frankly, he’s financially comfortable enough not to have to give a shit about anything. And Trick comes by that personality trait naturally.”

He gripped her chin gently. “Most importantly, you’re not Ellen Finn. You are Jennifer Finn and you’re my favorite cousin because you never follow the herd. You don’t need anyone else to prove how spectacular you are, but you deserve to enjoy happiness if you find it. However you find it. So let’s get you to Tasha’s so you can pay whatever penance you feel you need to pay, but think about what I’m saying. You decide what kind future you want to have, because you’re the one who’ll have to live in it. Alone or not.”

“What he said,” Rory agreed. “If Sol taught us anything, it was how not to have as many regrets as he does. It turns you sour.”

She wanted them to be right. She wanted to have a choice. When she gave Alicia her key and let Rory drive her to Tasha’s house, she closed her eyes and let herself imagine the future she wanted. She managed to stop crying before they carried the first box inside.