I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my life, but I never thought I’d have the pleasure of seeing Kishimoto shut his mouth for longer than five minutes. And yet, here we are. In any other situation, I might be relishing this moment. Sadly, I’m unable to enjoy even this small pleasure.
His silence is unnerving.
It’s been fifteen minutes since I finished sharing with him the same details I shared with Juliette earlier today, and he hasn’t said a word. He’s sitting quietly in the corner, his head pressed against the wall, face in a frown, and he will not speak. He only stares, his eyes narrowed at some invisible point across the room.
Occasionally he sighs.
We’ve been here for almost two hours, just he and I. Talking. And of all the things I thought would happen today, I certainly did not think it would involve Juliette running away from me, and my befriending this idiot.
Oh, the best-laid plans.
Finally, after what feels like a tremendous amount of time, he speaks.
“I can’t believe Castle didn’t tell me,” is the first thing he says.
“We all have our secrets.”
He looks up, looks me in the eye. It’s not pleasant. “You have any more secrets I should know about?”
“None you should know about, no.”
He laughs, but it sounds sad. “You don’t even realize what you’re doing, do you?”
“Realize what?”
“You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain, bro. You can’t keep living like this. This,” he says, pointing at my face, “this old you? This messed-up dude who never talks and never smiles and never says anything nice and never allows anyone to really know him—you can’t be this guy if you want to be in any kind of relationship.”
I raise an eyebrow.
He shakes his head. “You just can’t, man. You can’t be with someone and keep that many secrets from them.”
“It’s never stopped me before.”
Here, Kenji hesitates. His eyes widen, just a little. “What do you mean, before?”
“Before,” I say. “In other relationships.”
“So, uh, you’ve been in other relationships? Before Juliette?”
I tilt my head at him. “You find that hard to believe.”
“I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you have feelings, so yeah, I find that hard to believe.”
I clear my throat very quietly. Look away.
“So—umm—you, uh”—he laughs, nervously—“I’m sorry but, like, does Juliette know you’ve been in other relationships? Because she’s never mentioned anything about that, and I think that would’ve been, like, I don’t know? Relevant?”
I turn to face him. “No.”
“No, what?”
“No, she doesn’t know.”
“Why not?”
“She’s never asked.”
Kenji gapes at me. “I’m sorry—but are you—I mean, are you actually as stupid as you sound? Or are you just messing with me right now?”
“I’m nearly twenty years old,” I say to him, irritated. “Do you really think it so strange that I’ve been with other women?”
“No,” he says, “I, personally, don’t give a shit how many women you’ve been with. What I think is strange is that you never told your girlfriend that you’ve been with other women. And to be perfectly honest it’s making me wonder whether your relationship wasn’t already headed to hell.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” My eyes flash. “I love her. I never would’ve done anything to hurt her.”
“They why would you lie to her?”
“Why do you keep pressing this? Who cares if I’ve been with other women? They meant nothing to me—”
“You’re messed up in the head, man.”
I close my eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. “Of all the things I’ve shared with you today, this is the issue you’re most interested in discussing?”
“I just think it’s important, you know, if you and J ever try to repair this damage. You have to get your shit together.”
“What do you mean, repair this damage?” I say, my eyes flying open. “I’ve already lost her. The damage is done.”
At this, he looks surprised. “So that’s it? You’re just going to walk away? All this talk of I love her blah blah and that’s it?”
“She doesn’t want to be with me. I won’t try to convince her she’s wrong.”
Kenji laughs. “Damn,” he says. “I think you might need to get your bolts tightened.”
“I beg your pardon?”
He gets to his feet. “Whatever, bro. Your life. Your business. I liked you better when you were drunk on your meds.”
“Tell me something, Kishimoto—”
“What?”
“Why would I take relationship advice from you? What do you know about relationships aside from the fact that you’ve never been in one?”
A muscle twitches in his jaw. “Wow.” He nods, looks away. “You know what?” He gives me the finger. “Don’t pretend to know shit about me, man. You don’t know me.”
“You don’t know me, either.”
“I know that you’re an idiot.”
I suddenly, inexplicably, shut down.
My face pales. I feel unsteady. I don’t have any fight left in me today and I don’t have any interest in defending myself. I am an idiot. I know who I am. The terrible things I’ve done. It’s indefensible.
“You’re right,” I say, but I say it quietly. “And I’m sure you’re right that there’s a great deal I don’t know about you, too.”
Something in Kenji seems to relax.
His eyes are sympathetic when he says, “I really don’t think you have to lose her. Not like this. Not over this. What you did was, like—yeah, that shit was beyond horrible. Torturing her freaking sister? I mean. Yeah. Absolutely. Like, ten out of ten you’ll probably go to hell for that.”
I flinch.
“But that happened before you knew her, right? Before all this”—he waves a hand—“you know, whatever it is that happened between you guys happened. And I know her—I know how she feels about you. There might be something to save. I wouldn’t lose hope just yet.”
I almost crack a smile. I almost laugh.
I don’t do either.
Instead, I say, “I remember Juliette telling me you gave a similar speech to Kent shortly after they broke up. That you spoke expressly against her wishes. You told Kent she still loved him—that she wanted to get back together with him. You told him the exact opposite of what she felt. And she was furious.”
“That was different.” Kenji frowns. “That was just . . . like . . . you know—I was just trying to help? Because, like, logistically the situation was really complicated—”
“I appreciate your trying to help me,” I say to him. “But I will not beg her to return to me. Not if it’s not what she wants.” I look away. “In any case, she’s always deserved to be with someone better. Maybe this is her chance.”
“Uh-huh.” Kenji lifts an eyebrow. “So if, like, tomorrow she hooks up with some other dude you’re just gonna shrug and be like—I don’t know? Shake the guy’s hand? Take the happy couple out to dinner? Seriously?”
It’s just an idea.
A hypothetical scenario.
But the possibility blooms in my mind: Juliette smiling, laughing with another man—
And then worse: his hands on her body, her eyes half closed with desire—
I feel suddenly like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
I close my eyes. Try to be steady.
But now I can’t stop picturing it: someone else knowing her the way I’ve known her, in the dark, in the quiet hours before dawn—her gentle kisses, her private moans of pleasure—
I can’t do it. I can’t do it.
I can’t breathe.
“Hey—I’m sorry—it was just a question—”
“I think you should go,” I say. I whisper the words. “You should leave.”
“Yeah—you know what? Yeah. Excellent idea.” He nods several times. “No problem.” Still, he doesn’t move.
“What?” I snap at him.
“I just, uh”—he rocks back and forth on his heels—“I was wondering if you, uh, wanted any more of those medicine thingies though? Before I get out of here?”
“Get. Out.”
“All right, man, no problem, yeah, I’m just gonna—”
Suddenly, someone is banging on my door.
I look up. Look around.
“Should I, um”—Kenji is looking at me, a question in his eyes—“you want me to get that?”
I glare at him.
“Yeah, I’ll get it,” he says, and runs to answer the door.
It’s Delalieu, looking panicked.
It takes more than a concerted effort, but I manage to pull myself together.
“You couldn’t have called, Lieutenant? Isn’t that what our phones are for?”
“I’ve been trying, sir, for over an hour, but no one would answer your phone, sir—”
I roll my neck and sigh, stretching the muscles even as they tense up again.
My fault.
I disconnected my phone last night. I didn’t want any distractions while I was looking through my father’s files, and in the insanity of the morning I forgot to reconnect the line. I was beginning to wonder why I’ve had so much uninterrupted time to myself today.
“That’s fine,” I say, cutting him off. “What’s the problem?”
“Sir,” he says, swallowing hard, “I’ve tried to contact both you and Madam Supreme, but the two of you have been unavailable all day and, and—”
“What is it, Lieutenant?”
“The supreme commander of Europe has sent her daughter, sir. She showed up unannounced a couple of hours ago, and I’m afraid she’s making quite a fuss about being ignored and I wasn’t sure what to d-do—”
“Well, tell her to sit her ass down and wait,” Kenji says, irritated. “What do you mean she’s making a fuss? We’ve got shit to do around here.”
But I’ve gone unexpectedly solid. Like the blood in my veins has congealed.
“I mean—right?” Kenji is saying, nudging me with his arm. “What’s the deal, man? Delalieu,” he says, ignoring me. “Just tell her to chill. We’ll be down in a bit. This guy needs to shower and put his shirt on straight. Give her some lunch or something, okay? We’ll be right there.”
“Yes, sir,” Delalieu says quietly. He’s talking to Kenji, but flashes me another look of concern. I do not respond. I’m not sure what to say.
Things are happening too quickly. Fission and fusion in all the wrong places, all at once.
It’s only once Delalieu has gone and the door is closed that Kenji finally says, “What was that about? Why do you look so freaked?”
And I unfreeze. Feeling returns slowly to my limbs.
I turn around to face him.
“You really think,” I say carefully, “that I need to tell Juliette about the other women I’ve been with?”
“Uh, yeah,” he says, “but what does that have to do with—”
I stare at him.
He stares back. His mouth drops open. “You mean—with this girl—the one downstairs—?”
“The children of the supreme commanders,” I try to explain, squeezing my eyes shut as I do, “we—we all basically grew up together. I’ve known most of these girls all my life.” I look at him, attempting nonchalance. “It was inevitable, really. It shouldn’t be surprising.”
But Kenji’s eyebrows are high. He’s trying to fight a smile as he slaps me on the back, too hard. “Oh, you are in for a world of pain, bro. A world. Of. Pain.”
I shake my head. “There’s no need to make this dramatic. Juliette doesn’t have to know. She’s not even speaking to me at the moment.”
Kenji laughs. Looks at me with something that resembles pity. “You don’t know anything about women, do you?” When I don’t respond, he says, “Trust me, man, I bet you anything that wherever J is right now—out there somewhere—she already knows. And if she doesn’t, she will soon. Girls talk about everything.”
“How is that possible?”
He shrugs.
I sigh. Run a hand over my hair. “Well,” I say. “Does it really matter? Don’t we have more important things to contend with than the staid details of my previous relationships?”
“Normally? Yes. But when the supreme commander of North America is your ex-girlfriend, and she’s already feeling really stressed about the fact that you’ve been lying to her? And then all of a sudden your other ex-girlfriend shows up and Juliette doesn’t even know about her? And she realizes there are, like, a thousand other things you’ve lied to her about—”
“I never lied to her about any of this,” I interject. “She never asked—”
“—and then our very powerful supreme commander gets, like, super, super pissed?” Kenji shrugs. “I don’t know, man, I don’t see that ending well.”
I drop my head in my hands. Close my eyes. “I need to shower.”
“And . . . yeah, that’s my cue to go.”
I look up, suddenly. “Is there anything I can do?” I say. “To stop this from getting worse?”
“Oh, so now you’re taking relationship advice from me?”
I fight the impulse to roll my eyes.
“I don’t really know man,” Kenji says, and sighs. “I think, this time, you just have to deal with the consequences of your own stupidity.”
I look away, bite back a laugh, and nod several times as I say, “Go to hell, Kishimoto.”
“I’m right behind you, bro.” He winks at me. Just once.
And disappears.