Mason
Ava was sat at the kitchen table, in the dark, with a glass of vodka and cranberry when I returned home hours later. She was waiting for me, and I groaned inwardly.
Sighing, I rolled my eyes and stumbled my way over to the cupboard. “Go to bed.” Grabbing the bottle of whisky, I poured a large measure and attempted to keep her voice out of my head.
“I take it you found a supplier then. Must be a record for you. We’ve only been here five days, and already you’ve allowed the addict to hunt out the thing it loves more than me.”
“Not tonight, Ava!”
Refilling her glass, she pursed her lips and shook her head. “Cowards never win, Mason.”
“And the fearless do?”
She was such a hypocrite at times. When things in her head got bleak, she shut down. If Ava couldn’t cope with something, she allowed the darkness to keep her safe. I envied her that. The darkness only made me want to run!
“You just want to escape, Mason. Pretend it isn’t there.”
“Damn fucking right I do. But in spite of everything, you refuse to set me free!” Gulping back my drink, I laughed bitterly. “Then again, you always were fucking selfish!”
Sucking air through her teeth, she then exhaled slowly. “It was your choice not to drive off that cliff, Mason!” Shooting upright, she placed her palms on the table and brought her face an inch from mine. “Remember that when you need someone to blame!”
“And remember whose bullet it was that took our son’s life when you need someone to fucking blame!”
Her mouth opened and closed. Hurt made her face crumble, and the choked sob that broke from her ripped my cold heart in two.
“Fuck!” My hands trembled as I reached for her. “I didn’t mean that.”
Backing away, she shook her head at me. “You think I don’t know that! Huh?” Anger replaced the sting of my words, and she drew in a deep breath. “You think I don’t fucking ache every second of every God damned day? Georgie was my baby, a part of my soul that I will never ever get back. It was my life that, in the end, took his from him, and I have to live with that until the day I fucking die!”
“Ava!”
“Go screw yourself, Mason. I’m done!”
Coke had numbed my legs, and when I tried to go after her when she fled, I crumpled to a heap on the floor. This wasn’t Ava’s fault, and she was right, I was looking for someone to blame. Because I didn’t want to blame him. I couldn’t give Georgie the guilt, because that would cripple me. Shame took the responsibility from me, the cold finger of regret engulfing every other feeling. Yet the more I tried to stop blaming Ava, the more the monster inside me relayed George’s last words…
The memory of his cold smile made me shiver and curling into a ball, I wrapped my arms around myself.
‘Where is she now, huh, Dad? She’s not going to save you. She never will. You’re on your own…’
For over twenty years I had given Ava all of me, protected and fought for her. Maybe George had been right. Because it sure as hell felt like Ava couldn’t save me from the demons that were slowly consuming the man who had married her.
♡
Groaning, I pushed myself up, wincing at the bright light that streamed through the kitchen window. My head throbbed, and it felt like someone had sandblasted the inside of my mouth.
Grabbing a mug from the drainer, I poured some coffee from the pot Ava must have made fresh and went in search of my wife.
“You like that, Frank?”
Narrowing my eyes when I found her stroking the young goat, I smiled when it pranced around, and Ava’s sweet laugh filled the chilly morning air.
“Frank?” I asked when I took a seat beside her on the bench.
“Frank,” she stated simply.
Taking a sip of her coffee, she kept her attention on the goat as it skipped around the yard and came back to her.
“He likes you.”
“Perhaps. It could just be a ploy, so I feed him.” The tension rolling off her in thick waves made my stomach clench.
“Ava…”
“I can’t slay your demons if you keep them locked away from me, Mason.”
I blinked, not expecting her compassion.
“If you bury the past under bitterness, the future will never grant you sweetness.”
“Deep.”
She glanced at me with a glower when I took a gulp of coffee. “Not as deep as your animosity.”
Rubbing at my forehead, I sighed. “You honestly think I want to destroy you with facts, Ava?”
Shrugging, she turned back to the goat and scoffed loudly. “Yet you massacre me with the unknown.”
“Believe me, the unknown is a damn site sweeter than the truth!”
“Is it?” she spat, her temper finally fraying. “I can’t ever pretend to know what happened to you, Mason. And for some insane reason, you seem to think I can’t handle the truth.” Narrowing her eyes at me, she clenched her teeth. “I wish I could reach inside your head and set fire to every single horrific image in there. Light a match and burn the motherfuckers out of you!” Turning to face me, she took my hand in hers. Sadness slid into her gaze when she grasped my chin and made me look at her. “I can’t do that, baby. But you can.”
Closing my eyes, I turned my head away from her. “If I can’t face them, then I know for certain that you can’t.”
She was quiet for a moment, but I heard her loud swallow. “I used to be your little warrior, Mason. Now I’m nothing more than the gunpowder in the bullet you keep threatening to execute yourself with.”
Giving the goat a final stroke, she stood up and silently walked away. Once again, she had voiced the muted thoughts in my head, and she was right. I had hoped she would be the ammunition that finally put a stop to this bullshit.
My little warrior was the only weapon that could ever end my life, and I prayed for her to purge me from this living nightmare with one simple pull of the trigger.