Chapter Twelve
Ryder
She left me on the couch without another word. Sure, it was only a kiss on the cheek, but for Layla it was a big gesture. It made me happy. I had feelings for Layla that weren’t going away. When she fell to the ground in the park, I didn’t know what to do. I scooped her up and ran the few blocks to the hospital. I’d never ran harder in my life.
The waiting room was the worst. I heard the monitor flat-line more than once and my heart was in my shoes for the rest of my exile. Finally, a nurse came and told me she was okay and resting comfortably. Years of abusing heroin had made Layla’s heart weak. Now that she was quitting drugs, her heart didn’t know what to do. Her whole body was in a panic.
I still felt bad. I shouldn’t have pushed her to get off drugs so fast. What if something happened again? What if her heart just gave out again? What if we were at home when it happened? I didn’t know the first thing about medical stuff. I would obviously call 911, but what about those few minutes until they got here? What was I supposed to do?
My headache from the other day was back. I’d been getting them more and more lately. Layla was more important so I’d suffered through them to spend time with her when all I really wanted to do was curl up in a dark room and wait for them to subside.
Layla would be okay for the time being. The doctor had prescribed methadone to help ease the withdrawal symptoms. She would go to a clinic every month to get more. As time passed, she would eventually stop taking the methadone as well. With any luck, she’d quit drugs for good.
That made me happy. Layla deserved to be unchained from her addiction. She deserved to be the girl dancing in an empty room, inexplicably happy, all the time. Dancing like no one was watching, completely free and true to herself. A wild flame burning bright, warming everyone who dared to know her.
She was quickly becoming my whole world. The feeling terrified me. I ruined things. I didn’t want to ruin her. I didn’t want to extinguish the spark of light in her eyes before it had a chance to become a flame. She already had a damaged history with men. I didn’t want to screw it up even more. It was like trying to hold onto an electric eel. If I held on too loosely, she would slip away, but if I held on too tightly I’d end up getting electrocuted.
My problem was that I always held on too tightly. Getting electrocuted was my specialty.
Layla was sitting at a corner table in the bar that night. Of course, she wouldn’t want to sit up front. She wouldn’t want to be the center of attention. She smiled at me as I adjusted the mic stand. People were slowly trickling into the bar in groups of two or three. That made sense. The bar flies, the ones who usually came alone, were already here.
Sitting on the black stool, without addressing the crowd, I began to sing. It was a new song I’d written. No one had ever heard it before. I hope she liked it.
Hold me in your arms tonight, baby
Tell me your fears, tell me why
You won’t let me hold you tight
Why won’t you talk to me?
Is it because I stink like a coyote?
I grinned as I earned a few chuckles from the crowd. That line really wasn’t in the song, but I enjoyed the reaction. It told me they were actually listening and that meant everything to me. I glanced at Layla. She stuck out her tongue at me. Well, maybe not everything.
After three more songs, I took a ten-minute break. Nick, one of the bartenders, handed me a bottle of water. I was grateful. My throat was getting dry. Layla slid into the chair next to me. I eyed her half-empty beer bottle suspiciously. That was her fourth in an hour.
“You’re doing great!” she exclaimed. “Your voice is even better in a bar, Blue Eyes.”
I felt myself blush. “Thanks, Layla.” I shifted my guitar slightly on my hip. “I was thinking of doing a cover for my next song.”
“A cover?” Her eyes lit up, but that could have been the booze. “Tell me what song!”
I chuckled. “Sorry, it’s a surprise. You’ll have to wait.”
“Fine. I thought knowing the singer would come with some perks, but I guess not.” She pretended to pout and took another sip of her beer. When it was gone, she ordered a rum and coke.
“Um, Layla…we have to walk home. Remember?” I winced as she took a big swig of her drink. The walk wasn’t very long, but it would be if I had to lead a drunk person.
She laughed. “You have to walk home. I’m findin’ a ride.”
“Okay…. have fun with that.” I tried to hide the fact that I was a little hurt. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. I thought we’d grown closer over the few days. It wasn’t a big deal. Relationships were trouble. Layla didn’t need a train wreck like me in her life. As a friend maybe, as a boyfriend, no.
The soft cover I had been planning to sing turned angry as the first word left my lips. I was angry at Layla for not seeing what I saw. I was angry at my father for being an abusive drunk. I was angry at my sister for always calling. I was angry at myself for ruining everything I touched.
The crowd loved the song. I got a standing ovation from a few of the drunker patrons. I didn’t even glance at Layla. I marched up to Copper, the bartender, got my money, and left. That song had drained me. I was spent for the night.
Chelsea haunted my dreams that night. Screaming that I was a bastard, that I made her crazy. That I deserved to be alone. In my life, there were a handful of times where things were said to me that couldn’t be taken back. That was among the top five.
I deserved to be alone. I deserved to have my tongue cut out for some of the things I had said to others in fits of rage. It was for survival. If I made them hate me first, it was easier for me to reject them before they left me. If they left me first, it would hurt too much. I had to play the game right. I had to win before they could hurt me. For whatever reason, pushing people away hurt less than rejection.
“You are a waste of space, Ryder Daniels! All you do is hurt people! Do you really think you wouldn’t end up hurting her too? You’re a ticking time bomb with a pattern. Anyone gets too close, you explode. You and I both know it.” Chelsea glared at me. “You’re a fool if you think this time will be any different.”
“It will be! It has to be! I love Layla!”
Chelsea’s menacing snarl softened into a look of sadness. “I remember you saying you loved me too. It was just a lie.”
“No, Chels, it wasn’t. I did love you once. It was different. Layla is…”
“The One?” She scoffed. “You said the same about me. How do you know you’re not lying to yourself? Every relationship you’ve ever been in was a lie, Ryder. You deserve to be alone. No one deserves to be lied to. If you really love Layla you’ll leave her alone before you can poison her too.”
I woke up, my chest as tight as a ratline on a ship’s mast in a storm. My heart pounded like a wild animal running from a wolf as its sharp teeth squeezed around my throat. Everything in me was close to snapping. I wanted to scream but my mouth was stuffed with cotton. It felt as though heavy chains were lashing me to my bed. I couldn’t move. I was losing my mind. I hadn’t had a panic attack like this since Rachel called to tell me Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
“Blue Eyes, if you’re trying to be quiet, it’s not working. I can hear you breathing heavy. Who you thinkin’ ‘bout? Cause I can give them a run for their money, I assure you.”
When did she get home?
Shit! Don’t come in here! Don’t come in here! I begged her inside my head. Only a frightened whimper came out. My heart rate managed to increase even more. At this point, it was going to explode. That was a good alternative. I’d rather have died than for Layla to see me like this.
Layla came closer. Her smile fell away. “Ryder, what’s wrong?”
“Please…leave.” I choked out. My voice was raspy in the dark, silent room.
“Leave?” she asked, turning on the light, giving me a clearer view of her. Worry was written all over her face. “No, I don’t want to.”
My eyes burned with tears. I didn’t care if she saw them. “Get out!”
I was suddenly happy Layla was so stubborn. Most girls would have run when a guy yelled at them. She didn’t.
“Hell no.” Layla crossed her arms over her chest, her lips curing into a defiant smile. “I want to stay. So I’ll be damned if you’re going to tell me any different. You should know that about me by now, at least.”
Rolling onto my side, away from her, I decided my best bet was to ignore her. I made sure everything about my body language told her to go away. I curled in on myself. My heart was still pounding in my ears. This panic attack wasn’t going anywhere. My ten minutes weren’t up.
“I won’t ask why the panic attack, bit too personal for my tastes…but I’m here if you need me, Ryder.” No sarcasm. No joking tone. Just honest vulnerability.
The stranglehold on my vocal chords had only gotten tighter, making it impossible for me to speak. I nodded a little. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. We needed distance. This would have to be the first step.
Her fingertips softly rested on my bare side. I flinched. The unexpected movement had surprised me, but it also helped with my standoffish facade. Or maybe not. I felt her arms around me. It wasn’t like it was in the movies. I didn’t instantly feel better, but I felt my chest loosen a bit. It was a little easier to breathe.
“Is this okay?” Her soft whisper helped unbind me from the bed. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to let her know that, thanks to her, I was beginning to feel less like a bomb about to explode.
I wanted to let her know she was the first person to ever calm me down. Not even Rachel had done that. Of course, Rachel wasn’t Layla. She fled when I yelled. Not Layla. Layla stood her ground. Layla was an anchor in a turbulent sea. She didn’t let anyone mess with her. I needed her. But I couldn’t risk exploding around her. And explosions were inevitable.
“I said get out.”
The arms around my waist withdrew. The soft whisper turned harsh. “I should’ve known. You’re just another boy to reject me once they’re done with me. I was stupid for thinking you were any different.”
It was almost as if I could hear the strings of our relationship snap. My heart sank.
“Layla, I…”
The bed squeaked as she got up. “Save it! Or better yet, write it down. You can use it on the next girl you want to screw with! Either you want me or you don’t!” She slammed the door, leaving the light on.
I sighed. I couldn’t win. I was hurting her by pushing her away but I would hurt her more if I didn’t.