I nervously fiddled with my keys, looking over at my date. He was holding two baseball tickets in his hand. 

“I… sorry, I thought you’d be stoked?” he asked, confused. “I mean, your profile said you were really into baseball.”

“I am,” I nodded, trying to hide my discomfort, “but I’m all of a sudden not feeling well…”

He eyed me suspiciously. “Really?” 

“No,” I admitted, because I suck at lying. “No, actually, I just really don’t want to walk into that stadium.”

“But why not? Were you lying on your profile…”

“No!” I said quickly, because that was a cardinal sin of dating online. I hadn’t been doing it long, but I knew that at least. 

“So what is it?” he continued to question. 

I couldn’t tell him. I barely knew this guy! This was our first date. To explain why I was so hesitant would be to explain a very personal part of my life that I didn’t feel like divulging. 

Not only that I didn’t feel like divulging, but that would be weird to divulge. You’re not supposed to get heavy on a first date. And this was pretty fucking heavy. 

“Is this about me?” he asked. “Do you want to call the date off?”

“No!” I said quickly. “Not at all. You seem really nice so far, and you’re very cute.” I smiled at him. 

He blushed and smiled back. “Okay, then let’s just go. Whatever the problem is, can you avoid it for a night and just have some fun with me?”

I wasn’t sure. It was going to make this entire date awkward for me, but I wasn’t sure what else I could do at this point. 

I did like this guy. I’d been on a few dates since I’d started looking online, and, honestly, they’d all been awkward as hell. Either guys didn’t end up looking like their profile picture at all, or they came off as really creepy… 

But this guy, so far, had come off as totally normal and was just as cute as I’d pictured. This might be a rarity in the world of online dating. Did I really want to blow it just because I was uncomfortable going?

I could get past it. I’d feel a little weird for a couple hours, but then it’d be over, and I’d still be on a date with a really cute guy. 

“Sure,” I smiled, “no problem.”

“Great!” he said excitedly, as he hopped out of the car and walked around the car to open my door. What a gentleman. 

I still wished we were doing something else, though. Honestly, had I known this was what he’d been planning for a date, I would’ve opted out. And it was sad, because he was obviously just trying to do something kind for me. I did like baseball…

I just didn’t want to see this team. 

My stomach was in knots as we got to our seats and waited for the game to start. I did my best to hide it, but I knew it was obvious. My date, Isaac, put a comforting hand on my shoulder. 

“Everything okay?”

“Just fine!” I said, in an overexcited tone. 

“Do you want some food, maybe?” he asked. “Some nachos, a hot dog?”

“That’d be great.” I smiled at him. 

I wasn’t all that hungry, I wasn’t even sure I was capable of eating, the way my stomach was feeling. But I did like the idea of him leaving for a few minutes to get food. It would give me a few moments to collect myself. 

“Okay, I’ll be right back!” he said, as he walked by me and up the stadium stairs. 

I probably should force myself to eat anyway. I hadn’t had much today, which was usual for me when I had a date planned. Ugh, what can I say? I’m naturally a very nervous person. I’m easily rattled. 

But my nerves about going on a first date were nothing compared to my nerves now that I heard the announcer on the intercom say the Hawks were coming onto the field. 

I did my best to look away. I was glad that Isaac had left for a bit, because it would’ve looked weird, me staring off into another direction while the game was beginning. 

And I couldn’t do it the entire game, either. 

“And here he is, the Hawk’s star pitcher, Grady Ians!” the announcer yelled. 

The crowd erupted into cheers, but I cringed. 

I needed to look at him, though. I needed to deal with seeing him while Isaac was still off geting us food. I didn’t want him to see my reaction to Grady. I didn’t want him to suspect anything. 

Grady was an MLB hero. Not only was he the most beloved player for the Hawks, he was one of the most beloved players in major league baseball. The Hawks went to the World Series almost every year and usually won it.

It didn’t hurt that Grady looked like a fucking super model. Seriously, if baseball hadn’t panned out, I’m sure that guy could have ended up in Hollywood, no problem. He was just an all-around blessed individual. And you couldn’t hate him for it, because, generally speaking, he was a sweetheart. 

Emphasis on generally speaking, though. Because he could also break your heart. Which I knew all too well. 

“I’m back!” Isaac said, with hot dog and nachos in hand. “Take your pick, I’m fine to eat either.”

I grabbed the nachos, and, even though a minute ago my stomach had been in knots, I suddenly had the urge to stress eat. 

Isaac eyed me worriedly. “Ben, are you alright?”

“Oh, totally!” I said again in an overenthusiastic tone. “Just hungry!”

He forced a smile, nodded, and then turned his attention to the game that was just beginning. 

I forced a smile too and did my best to focus on the actual mechanics of the game. Which, at a normal baseball game, was no problem for me. But when it was Grady down there… yeah, that made things difficult for me.

I couldn’t think of anything but him. I’d known this would happen. I’d known I’d be absorbed in him the second I saw him. 

How could I not be? I was absorbed in that man even when I wasn’t with him. A year later, and I still couldn’t think about anyone else… and we hadn’t even dated that long. 

That’s why I had only recently started online dating. I hadn’t wanted to get back out there until I was actually over Grady. I hadn’t wanted to put anyone in the position where they started to fall for me while I wasn’t ready to invest love into anybody. 

And, honestly, I’m still not sure I am ready to invest in anyone. I just know that I’m at the point where I have to try. I can’t keep going on like this, so attached to a man I can never have again. 

That’s what I need to remind myself. I can never have him again. Life got in the way, and… nothing can be done about that. It’s time to move on. 

I made this decision a year ago. That’s why I blocked him on social media, got a new number, didn’t tell him about when I moved… I wanted to make it impossible for him to contact me again. Because I knew, despite the life circumstances, he would still want to. And it just wasn’t healthy. 

And I think I was pretty successful at it, because I hadn’t heard from him since. It’d been radio silence. 

But even without him contacting me, I thought about him. Thought about if he ever missed me. If I ever crossed his mind… 

He crosses mine, a lot. 

The entire first half of the game, I did nothing but think of him. It was pathetic. I was on a date with a new guy who I should have been enthralled with, and instead I was sitting here thinking about my ex. 

The fortunate thing was that he seemed really into the game. He didn’t try to talk much, which made it easier to hide my uneasiness. 

During the seventh inning stretch, though, he directed his attention more toward me. 

“Man, what a game so far, right?” he said, as he wrapped his arms around me and sipped his soda. 

“It sure is something,” I smiled back and tried to focus on enjoying his arm around my shoulder. 

We made small talk for a few minutes, talking about highlights and asking each other about our lives. But we were interrupted when everyone around us started howling and nudging us. 

I didn’t realize why and was suddenly very uncomfortable, until Isaac pointed my head upwards, and I could see that we were on the kiss cam. 

God, the fucking kiss cam. Does anyone really like getting put on blast on those things?! I sure as hell didn’t. This was a first date, for crying out loud, we hadn’t even been able to kiss organically yet. 

But I didn’t want to offend him, and I was hoping to get a kiss at the very least tonight, so I went for it. People cheered around us, and Isaac actually looked like he was blushing a little bit as I pulled away. It was adorable. 

Okay, so, maybe this date hadn’t been all bad. I just needed to focus my attention on Isaac instead of obsessing over a lost love. 

Easier said than done.