Ten Years Ago
As soon as Rosie told Rex about his baby, their baby, he wanted to prepare everything. He wanted to make sure it was all going to go just right. Because that’s the kind of man Rex Thorpe was. He was a good man with strong morals and a plan. He was a man of preparedness and information. He was a forward-thinking man with firm ideas about his future. And while a baby at thirty-three with a woman like Rosie was not part of his early vision, it was his reality now. And unlike Rosie, who was energized by adventure, unlike Rosie, who could casually dip her tiny toes into the unknown without flinching, Rex was terrified.
Could he do this? Could he do this with Rosie? Did he have the patience? A heart that was big enough? A mind that was open enough?
Rex wanted so badly for the answers to these questions to be yes. He willed them to be yes. Because the woman he loved was carrying his child in her belly. And that child would carry pieces of him in him or her. And they would be a family. So the answers to those questions had to be yes.
In his head, Rex started crafting a list of rules for his future home. He started building out the structure, the spine of his future life. Because when Rex got scared, or felt out of control, following the rules worked best for him. And Rex was so scared. Not as much for himself, but for his future child. Rex shared his ideas about sleeping schedules and healthy foods and the differences between pacifier brands with Rosie, who smiled and rolled her eyes.
But then Rex got serious and focused. About the challenges of raising a child in Manhattan. Where there were distractions and small spaces. Polluted air and gum-stained sidewalks. Honking cabs and rushing pedestrians.
And so Rex decided that they should move to Virginia, where he grew up, and he would tell his clients he would be available remotely. But first he would visit his favorite things in New York. His favorite painting at the Met. His favorite scone at the coffee shop down the street. He would say goodbye to his friend Roy over their favorite burgers and a long, tight hug. And then, they would go. To suburban Virginia, where he was comfortable and it was quiet. Where they could have a big backyard and kind weather. Where Rex could work from a home office and Rosie could have a room for her art. And Willow could have a big quiet room to herself. And a home full of toys. Where Rex would buy the safest crib and most comfortable stroller and the most advanced baby monitor. And there would be a library of children’s books that they would read to their daughter. And there would be schedules and bedtimes. And music lessons. And puzzles. It would be the best, safest, environment for his daughter.
It would be the best, safest, environment for Rex as a father.
Up until this moment it almost appeared as if Rosie had shaken Rex to his core. May have un-Rexed him. But as Rosie’s belly grew, so did all the Rex inside of Rex. And all things Rex bubbled right back up to the surface. And before Rosie could twirl around and ask questions or kiss the Rex away, a new home was purchased and the moving van was packed.
* * *
Rosie waved goodbye to the printed wallpaper and mismatched doorknobs and walked through a big heavy door into a spacious home in Virginia with box-shaped rooms, smooth hardwood floors and naked walls.
It had the clean lines Rex envisioned all along. And even though Rosie didn’t like it, she felt that this was a concession she could make for the baby growing inside her. A concession she could make for Rex. Just this once.
But the moment Rosie stepped through her new, thick, heavy front door, she knew it felt so wrong. The bare walls, the stillness in the air, the distance from their neighbors. The silence. The manicured lawn. The trees planted in precise rows. She needed crannies. She needed quirk. And noise and buzzing and energy. And there was none of that in this home. She tried pushing those thoughts aside, for Rex and for Willow.
She tried and tried but no matter how much Rosie didn’t want to want those things, she did. She wanted them so badly. She needed them. Because they were the things that kept Rosie, Rosie. The things that kept her breathing. The things that kept her alive.
* * *
When Rex looked at Rosie in his new home with her swollen belly, he loved his girlfriend and his daughter so much. He had a feeling that there was a little girl inside of Rosie. He had that feeling because Rosie willed there to be a little girl in there. And the world around Rosie usually bent to her. Like plants toward the sun. And even though Rex would have preferred baseball gloves and science experiments with a son, he didn’t mind the idea of a little girl. He already loved her so much.
And when Rex slipped a diamond ring onto Rosie’s finger on their first Sunday morning in bed in their new house, it was for his daughter. Yes, he was in love with Rosie. But no, this was not the woman he envisioned himself marrying. A man like Rex found comfort in stability.
He didn’t want the walls of his bedroom to be a new color every other week. He didn’t want every topping in the shop on his ice cream. He didn’t want a ticket to the movies to turn into a triple feature. He didn’t want to have a thirty-minute chat with the homeless man on the corner about his favorite pizza place. He didn’t want to be force-fed poetry. He didn’t want Pixy Stix for breakfast. He didn’t want to cover his face in makeup on Halloween. He didn’t want to feel boring for liking plain white walls. He didn’t want to go to a museum and look at a single painting the entire time. He didn’t want to waste all of Sunday skipping stones.
Rex thought about that e. e. cummings poem Rosie loved. All the crazy things it said love was. He thought about all the crazy, loving feelings he felt now for Rosie and that little girl in her belly. All the “most mad and moonly” love he felt for Rosie and their baby.
He felt it especially when Rosie turned over, finger sparkling, smiled her biggest brightest smile and said, “Okay, yeah, let’s do it!”
Even though both Rex and Rosie were willing to give so many things up, it still made the day Rex asked Rosie to marry him in their big new house in suburban Virginia the beginning of the end of their relationship.
And somewhere inside, Rex knew this. Because the day they arrived in Virginia, he decided he would not put the apartment on the market. And then he tucked his and Rosie’s keys to 299 East 82nd Street into the back of his desk drawer.